I've still got my PA plates, but where's home?

Today is day three of my Pennsylvania break. In the last two weeks I have accomplished a lot. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but it's been overwhelming. I dealt with the aftermath of the flu, difficulties with my landlord, I graduated with a BFA in Acting and a minor in Linguistics, finished filming a short film, I went to NYC and did a showcase, I also auditioned for things (like South Pacific) and saw four shows for less than $150. After all that excitement I was more than happy to take the train out and drive the remaining three hours home to green, green, green.

Highlights of the time at home have so far been the following:

-Pizza and brew with the family as the first family meal together in a while
-My dad making me watch the youtube thing of that Scottish lady who astounded everyone on Britain's Got Talent... it was pretty astounding
-Going to the Amish store to buy things for our garden and reduced candy
-6 Mile hike up to the top of Heiner View and back... got to do some trail running
-Finishing a novel in two days... love that Jonathan Safran Foer
-Doing questionable activity with my mother and sister that may or may not have involved "trespassing" in order to pick some lilacs for my grandmother
-Helping my mum plant her Christmas tree farm... she wants to grow Christmas trees so that when us kids are grown up we can afford to get real Christmas trees for our house and it will make us come visit her for the holidays

Right now I'm weighing out where I should work and live this summer. I can't figure it out. And I really need to! But I'm taking it a day at a time. It's nice to finally not be doing twenty things at one time. I feel like clarity is actually entering my brain. I'm able to actually look at my life and go... okay where am I going? ...what do I want? ... how do I get there?

Goals:

-Get voice lessons
-SAVE $$$$
-Live somewhere that doesn't make me feel dead
-Maybe save enough that I could one day go to Australia and visit Kate and then backpack New Zealand... :)

Dear Jenny... and Santa

All I want for Christmas is to be Paris Hilton's BFF. I mean, seriously, I am such a candidate. I love dogs. I'm not skanky should I ever need to spend seven minutes in the closet. I don't mind dancing in a club dedicated to Paris. I don't even mind not being in the spotlight. I can see beyond all the glitz of Hollywood to see that Paris Hilton is "down to earth." While I am on my way to becoming a blond, I won't compete with her blond bombshell status. My ambition in life is to become a brunette vixen. Like that woman who took Jennifer Anniston's husband. So low, but so sexy. I may not be able to afford bail if Paris - heaven forbid - would ever land in jail. But I make some pretty amazing cookies. And I use only low-fat ingredients. And, I'm pretty sure I'm cute enough to be able to flirt the security guards into giving them to Paris.


So yeah... I know it's a last minute wish Santa, but I believe in karma. And I've been real good this year.

http://tv.msn.com/tv/hotgossip/12-18-08_2/?GT1=28103&silentchk=1&

Waiting on an Angel

So you think you're cool just cause you can unwrap that starburst with your tongue...

Over Christmas my cousin and I combined two deadly gestures. The awkward turtle and our tongue trick.

Okay... what? That's what you're thinking right? Well look at this! Someone was so kind to do an online demonstration.


And if you look it up on google images it'll move for you... providing a completely accurate example of how to do the awkward turtle. As far as the tongue trick goes... that's kind of an in family ability. I'll explain the best I can. Move your tongue from side to side in your mouth. Allow only the tip to just barely poke out while doing this. Sort of like if you were barely giving just a peek.

Combine these two things at the same time to memerise (or completely gross out) your friends... and to improve your motor skills.

Okay... so why did Jan and I start doing this? Well we used to do both separately until we discovered that the awkward turtle was only for things awkward. And the tongue thing was our way of making fun of things that should be sexy. Combining? AWKWARD SEXY THINGS!

I'm whipping out the awkward tongue turtle anecdote for a specific reason so bear with me. :)

Right now I'm kinda frustrated. I mean not in the normal blog moody Emily. I'm actually rather chipper lately. And more permanently chipper. So anyway, the frustration isn' t a woe is me gray coloured thing. It's just... anyway... I delay.

It's like things have totally unraveled between me and one of my good friends. And normally, I guess, we need to let these things go. You can't force friendships on people. You can't force your way back to things. Especially if the other person doesn't want to or doesn't know how to mend things. But when friendships have been really meaningful for awhile and there really hasn't been any serious fallout when things get awkward you kinda have to look at the reasons. And in this case I go... What the? (There are a few of you reading that might go... Emily you perpetuate these things too. Fair enough, I guess I'm classifying myself under the 'you don't know how to mend things.' And that's probably unfair too. So I'm sorry. Sorry for the twinge of hypocrisy this blog may have. I see that it's there. I hope you can see the differences. But I understand what you're thinking. I was thinking it while I was writing it.)

Anway...To be a bit more direct.

I mean if you were worried about screwing around with our friendship... you did it. Whether we did anything or not it's almost like we should have. Because then there'd at least be a reason to be awkward, but all this dead space. Shoot. This accidentally bumping into each other and me feeling like I can't even say hello and you going out of your way to ignore me... it's so confusing. If you wanted us to go back to being the way we were... we were not like that! I miss the hugs. The laughing about inside jokes. Me being able to tell you thank you without you thinking that I want something more. You not wanting to set me up with all of your friends and then not wanting to because none of them are 'good enough.' What am I supposed to think? Nothing I guess. And in three days I'm so outa here that none of this will matter.

But that just sucks. Cause I miss you. As my FRIEND. None of this tongue turtle business. I just want that back. But I guess When Harry Met Sally was right. :) (That's a throwout to you miss Jacklyn Marie.)

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

And sure. Maybe that's there too. The fact that maybe it's impossible for us to go back to being friends because it's out there. The "sex," the attraction, whatever you wanna call it. I'm just willing to deal with it in order to still be friends. Harry may be right, but he doesn't call all the shots on friendship and I miss ours.

So until then... I awkward tongue turtle.

And again

See how happy I could be.

Yummy

I want this.

Flava of the Week

Today's flava is dedicated to the mango...

I find that I'm bored out of my mind grading papers all day long and need some zip.

I also find that I'm completely out of my element yet again and that this summer will continue to be an adventure in fear. Or the overcoming of it.

I've decided to start playing the harmonica. I don't know how this relates to mangoes... but I also don't care. And for some reason, that reminds me of mangoes.

It's also so damn hot outside. I mean seriously. And I had to run some errands on BYU. Which meant no tank top. I know... what a thing to whine about. So I'm going to get a smoothie. A mango smoothie. And that is my entire subconsciousness for the day and the reason for this weirdly bizzaro entry.

Oh. And on a final note. I am also going to this tonight. And giving my friends their gifts from the land of Amish. I'm really excited.

Oops I Did It Again...

but this time by doing the right thing. damn.

Busy Beaver

Hello all of my blogger readers... :) I know there are so many. A number of things have been brought to my attention during my long absence from meaningful (or meaningless) relatively longer blogs. I'm sure you all love when I write two lines that just happen to rhyme... but I thought I'd give you a bit more today. I have been so incredibly busy. And the cool thing is that I don't feel totally nuts about it. Plenty of things have been challenging.

One: the death of my computer. It was a hard time.

Two: the slow death of my car. Okay so it's more the buildup of bills... check engine light that needs an overdue look, possible oil change, inspection fees, and consequently new registration. This is the hardest thing to deal with. I have to trade in my Pennsylvania plates.

Which to me is death of my car's soul. You're probably thinking I'm being a bit dramatic. However, when you're living in a state that turns your skin into that of a crocodile's, you can see the whole valley with no tree obstruction, spring may be warmer but still deadly brown, and it's impossible to drive five minutes and be completely surrounded in remote hiking grounds, one sort of clings to any identification of one's roots. I no longer have anything more than my PA license to claim my east coast heritage. (I mean just look at how cheery those plates are!) It's a sad month. March always is.

Three: My inability to wake up before 8. This has proved disastrous to my nine o'clock class and my resolution to exercise every day. I don't even seem to hear my alarms on my phone and clock anymore. I'm a bit concerned.

However... in spite of all the interesting and nonthreatening complications over the past few weeks, I have had several things to get me through the month of March.

One: Coaching dialects. I LOVE it! I mean seriously.

Two: Listening to this troubled woman...

Three: But the most exciting thing I did for the month of March was create an elaborate easter egg hunt for the kids of a professor. I went to Scotland with Dean Duncan and his son Spence. One of my best friends (Jen) and me invented this crazy scavenger clue hunt about birds with fangs. We had loads of fun stringing clues together and stuffing eggs with mysteries and peeps. We even drew fangs on the peeps. An example is included below.



So here's to the month of April! May it be sunny and warm and a little bit easier. :)

A line

The only difference between you and me
is you can pay off your personality.

Impulse Squelching

I find it funny how you say that you'd take the person you love with you even if they wound you deeply.

That's bull.

I do that.

You leave people standing, wondering what they ever did to make you cut them out of your life.

The # I Hate the Most

2

Growing Pains

There are things I just want to be able to do. It frustrates me when I keep getting the right doors open and closed by the Lord, evidence to keep heading down my occupational track. And then when the opportunities arise I just don't necessarily have what it takes. But in order to get what it takes I need the resources I can't seem to get at.

If a worldly plan is impossible or wrong then why does God so often test our ability to walk in faith to the maximum?

Yikes!

Okay... I like to believe that I'm attracted initially to men for reasons other than physical. That's usually how it happens to me. I mean, even if that's not true, my mind isn't so objective on the matter. It never goes... "damn he's hott. I should ask him out." Nope. It may go "wow, he's talented. Or shoot he's motivated." And a teensy corner may say "attraction factor." But my brain never usually is that shallow. Or maybe is never really that honest with itself. You can decide. You may beg to differ. :) And I guess I never really imagined that I could get my dream guy. Chalk it up to insecurities I've had about my appearance. What people have said about my "dominant personality." Or a slew of other reasons. I think I speak for the majority of the female sex when I say I wouldn't say no to the dream guy... but let's be honest. (And I've always thought of the idea of Prince Charming somewhat ridiculous. I'm cursed with a hyper imagination about some things and a dead realism bordering on pessimism with others.) Don't get me wrong. I've dated some good lookers. And some fabulous guys. Really great.

But this is the kind of guy I go for.

And again here.














And why not another for good measure... ugh, darn Enchanted... why? why? why?


















And yeah... how could I not put Daniel Day-Lewis in. I mean... hello my shallow self!





I know what you're thinking. "Show some originality, Emily." And I guess, my version comes with quirks. My cousin and I developed a secret code to describe out perfect guy. We call him a nine. He's great but not too great. We like athletic but not ripped. We like cute but not gorgeous. We like him to be real. In my case we like him with scruff, freckles, and I don't know maybe some sort of scar he got from trying to do some trick on his bike. (Hmm. That sounds creepy. Really I'm the one who got the scar from trying to flick my brother off while bike riding and flipping over the handle bars. Let that be a lesson to all you young ones experimenting with signed curse words.)

Less this be a shallow Cosmo article (no offense to those who like Cosmo... and probable offense to those who already think I've indulged way too much in this post.) I love wit, I love other nationality-ness or at least an appreciation of it, I love banter. I love guys that make me stop worrying about myself. Who keep me on my toes. Who relax me at the same time that they do this. Who have opinions. Challenge mine in positive ways. Who have personal insecurities and imperfections (cue the stupid bicycle scar).

So now that this person is almost in my life... how do I not screw it up?

Working through things

There's so much in a pause
it's hard to keep from knowing
the dangerous hums and has
as silence keeps growing

And I can read your eyes
the gentle apprehension
wanting to break a lie
instead just building tension

And I can't stay here long
you're killing my confidence
or at least faulty pretense
that I wasn't ready to let go of

And if i come on strong
it's the rage of wanting something more than this
the lingering of your kiss
and love... believing in love

You can stop my lips
I see them running out my mind
Words I will regret
the sooner you can

And I can't stay here long
but my lips won't move
as I fight back a throng
of tears ready to be loosed

Cause if you see me cry
our ceasefire just drags out
and I am forced to be shy
of feelings I can't allow

A vote?

I have to do an acting ethics project and am trying to choose between the following individuals to study up on. One is the lovely Juliette Binoche. Who I want to be in my acting roles... seriously, she's wonderful. If I could just play the roles they would have given to the younger Juliette that would be perfect.

Also have thought about... Ellen Degeneres! Who I think is very involved in appropriate children's media, animal rights issues, and is a wonderfully talented, socially active, American comedic actress. Tough choice.

Things Difficult

1. Really feeling sorry.
2. Finding enough hours in the day
3. Holding yourself back from sharing with someone how much you care about them
4. Being truly vulnerable
5. Uncramping your fingers. Seriously.
6. Keeping in touch with everyone that you wanna.
7. Saying goodbye.
8. Letting people go who you could keep.
9. Really trying to be faithful
10. My dreams
11. Being a good sister.
12. Falling in love.
13. Making money
14. Not wanting more money
15. Learning the butterfly stroke
16. Leaving your home
17. Not knowing where your home is
18. Suppressing a kiss
19. Figuring out WHY your computer is temperamental
20. Cramming a semester of Physical Science into one challenge exam.
21. Trying to break old procrastination habits. :)

Apologies and Longing

I think it's fair to miss someone even if the time you've spent with that person is fleeting. It's like the people I want most to be excited for me are anything but. And so I keep wanting them to be and they're not. And that hurts.

And as for my ... I just wonder. You may not want a relationship with him (as you tell me over and over) but I know that you're jealous. And I don't mean jealous in that silly snively way. I think you're mad that I've taken you're friend away or complicated the issue. And I think you feel like I make everything orbit around me. Or that I take everything that's yours. And I'm sorry. I don't know what to do for you. If I concede you run with it and I feel walked over and less than half a person. If I carry on, you're not there for me, you resent me, and I feel like less than half a person for somehow (directly or indirectly) tampering with your life. I don't know what the best answer is. So I'm sorry that there's awkwardness.

:)

I'm definitely no worse for the wear.

Check Yes or No

If you're wondering what I'm thinking it's this... "I wonder what he's thinking." The ball is amazingly in your court. And I don't think you're weird or too young. And I don't want some sort of committed thing that both of us regret a month from being separated. I just want to get to know you. I just want us to be friends. Because for some reason you were thrown into my circle, and try as hard as I might I still find myself relating to you in ways I haven't with anybody else. I don't want to jeopardize that. But I don't want to be stuck in this limbo of never getting to know each other.



And if you happen to kiss me... I'll be no worse for the wear.

So whatever you want to happen let it happen.