Even at a distance

I like the way you look at me. And the way we say goodnight.

Documentary in its simplest form

Today

My hair is in leftover curls from drying naturally
I'm wearing pink and gray, cotten clothes that spell out comfort
I smell like Dove lotion
My car is still messy
I think I might have gotten a B on my Linguistics final
I can't stop using weird little linguistic phrases and terminology to describe every element of my life
I might as well have Amos Lee's lyrics tatooed all over my body because they're tatooed all over my mind
I want to be home
I need to put in more hours at work
I have at least a fourteen page paper due in my acting class, I turned in a 22 page assignment for that class yesterday
I'm lusting after my guitar
No one is home in my apartment and Hillary has already left for California
It's bitter cold outside and my hands are still freezing
I'm trying to figure out when I can actually graduate
I want to be a backup singer
I think I'd like to move south for the winter
I hate the last week before you go home because you debate the practicality of buying food but lament when all you have in your cupboards and refrigerators is rice and hummus
I'm wondering how many people can say that all they have is hummus in their fridge
I still like eating ice cream in the winter
There's a snowman staring at me through my window.
I've come to really love documenting my life. Even if its documented in random sentences like these.

After six months I...

My ex is .... going to end up as a friend someday
Maybe I should ... actually care more about finals
I love ... writing on Miguel's facebook wall and my roommates
I don't understand ... emotions
I lost my ... student ID :(
People would say that I'm ... an intensely emotional girl
Sex is ... still honestly on the brain.
Love is ... a mixture or many things. Whose balance I'm still trying to figure out
Somewhere, someone is ... praying for me
I will always ... love Becca and our love of living for the moment
Forever is ... something that I'm trying to no longer think of linearly
I think the current President is ... overstaying his welcome by about 7 years
I woke up this morning ... and already my agenda and emotional resevoir were running throught my brain
Life is full of ... seasons
My past ... affects the emotional responses of my future
I get annoyed when ... I struggle to understand who I am.
I wish ... I understood the difference between protecting oneself and being selfish
My dog ... is hopefully going to be alive for Christmas. Although she will not remember me. :(
Tomorrow I'm going to ... smile because I love and have always loved Tuesdays
I have no tolerance for people who ... don't like herbal tea
If I had a million dollars I would ... move to Norway for the summer.
Sometimes I want to ... be naked.
Home is ... a mix of my roommates and my family and my mind.
We are ... never going to understand the blessing and the curse of Internet distractions
This weekend ... I will be, oh my word, in Pennsylvania for the first time in a year
I understand ... that I can't be everything I want to be today
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Lyricize my life

Amos Lee - The voice of my life.

Careless

You speak of love
But you ain't no lover
You were a friend
More like a brother

As the miles pass beneath me
The sounds made so sweetly came to an end
And no man can deny her but now you're a liar
And you've no room left to defend

When I left
I should have known better
Of the kind of man that you are
You'd have to get her

And I know you got a lot of pain
That's born inside you
But instead of growing stronger
You let it divide you, oh

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless

And the waves that are crashing
True lives of passion washing on your shore
Yes Sir, life has been costing
A true love's been lost
And I can't get back anymore

And I'm sure
That we both still both love her
And it's a shame we both lost her
And in time lost each other

But a trust has been broken
And words have been spoken
But you can mend
And no man can deny her
And as you laid beside her
I hope it felt good my friend

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless with her heart

Winter Wonders

When the world is as white as it is now
it reminds me that sometimes the miracle of a clean slate
falls on us when we least expect it
and all of the slipping and sliding we do in life
can be softened and silenced by fresh snow.

Here's to new beginnings... wherever they may be found.

The novelty of short stories

When I was in third or fourth grade my teacher gave us a Christmas creative writing assignment. We were instructed to write a short story that personified a symbol of Christmas and tell the story from that object or animal's perspective. I'm sure there were a lot of stories about the Christ child and Santa Claus, which I'm sure were lovely. I decided, however, to write my first environmentalist piece. So from the time I was 9 or 10 I was a liberal, tree-hugger. And my converted Republican hippie parents (soon to be converted back for the next election) wonder why I'm a card-carrying Democrat.

Nonetheless, I wrote about a Christmas trees idyllic life on a tree farm. The tree lived happily, without any concept of what Christmas was beyond a few murmured words from people walking by him. This was his existence until one day he saw an adorable family hiking through his section of the farm. He couldn't help but think that the children were cute and that the family was cheerful. But suddenly he felt a sharp, metal object slice through his torso. (I know! I was kind of a graphic 9-yr-old.) The rest of the play is about the tree's slow death and his perception of what Christmas is. He feels some sort of satisfaction in that his death enabled the family to enjoy this special holiday. But eventually the tree is left dead and abandoned outside in the woods behind the family's house. I think I made reference to a pine cone falling off that might spring new life or something like that. I was very much a product of the Disney "Circle of Life" concept.

Now, I think back to that story every time I smell pine and see Christmas trees. Last night I walked into my apartment to discover a Christmas tree. I never thought I'd have a real one living here in Utah. They are very expensive. But it's the perfect size for our apartment. It was the first thing I saw when I walked in the door last night. And I threw down everything I was carrying in my hands and danced all around it. So apparently I have some limitations on the depths of my environmentalism. And apparently my tree's death will give me great joy throughout the next two and a half weeks of December-Provo life.

So who knows what my third grade mind was on about when I wrote that story. I'm just glad to have something that smells like pine and is green in my home.

The Easiness of the Way

So I've had some amazing experiences this weekend. I acted my little heart out, met a new person I'm really excited to get to know, gave a lesson in Church that was totally not from me, and was supported financially in a time when I really need it. I HAVE to write more about them. They are too incredible to ignore.

Today, however, one of my fears came true. I was recently asked to serve in a calling I am overwhelmed with every day. I don't know why Heavenly Father wants me but I am trying to do His will. But when God asks us to turn over our will to His He means it. There is no half way and we are tried to see if we really meant what we said. I wanted to be in this show I auditioned for. I felt like I should be. And, it's hard to accept that God wants me to solely focus on this one area of my life. It's just hard. My family doesn't really understand because they think "Hey, you're an actress... this is what you bargained for." But it's not that. It's wanting to be able to have my will and God's. It's wanting Him to line up with me when I know I need to give that up and give myself over to Him. And for someone who feels like her testimony is a little fledgling thing, this is huge.

I've been thinking about what "easiness of the way" means. I think it doesn't mean the way is easy because we get to do what we want. The way is made easy when we choose the Lord's will because if we are listening to Him we will know what that way is. It's easy because then He can bless us even more and have a greater influence in our lives and in the lives of those around us. He can teach us and our minds will grow in the things of the gospel. I've been wondering if the prophet would have agreed with this phrase. He didn't get to do what He wanted. I'm sure there were times when Joseph just wanted to have something work out the way he imagined. I'm sure this is how Emma felt. If this is easy then why am I being asked to sacrifice so much? Like Abraham we are asked to give up the things we want most. What are hearts are set upon.

It's not Sunday school stuff. It's hard. It makes us cry. A lot. I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to be prayerful. I don't want to be bitter or upset. And I'm excited for the journey my friends will take. They will be amazing. And someday I'll work with Dave. I know it. It's hard for me to look at him right now because I'm so full of love and sadness. He is like a father to me. Someone I look up to and admire in so many ways. I don't know what I would have done had I not met him and he helped to change my life. Gosh, everytime I think about Dave I just sob. It's so weird. Anyway. I'm okay, really I am. I don't think my testimony has ever been stretched in so many ways in the course of four months. But Heavenly Father is preparing me for something.

For my friends that are reading this.

I know that God lives. I really do believe in Jesus Christ. Life is hard. It's wonderful and we have some fantastic moments of triumph, but it is hard. I'm learning that there really is someone that has a different and better plan for my life than I can imagine for myself. I believe that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ like the Bible. I believe that Joseph was a man but also a prophet. I believe in prophets today. And I am so grateful for President Hinckley. I'm so glad that there is a God that cares enough about my welfare to give me personal revelation. I don't believe that Mormons have all the answers. I think it is so important to search and dig and really listen and learn from other people. I don't believe that Mormons will be saved and everyone else is out of luck. If I have EVER inferred that I apologize to the great many people in my life who are the reason I am alive, healthy, and believe in God today. You are a part of my foundation. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for you. My life is what it is because of you. And I hope that you are forever in my life. You will be forever in my heart and mind. I love you.

No product

I find myself a little tired of painting personality.
Exhausted from meticulously smiling in a frown.
I want to snuggle somewhere where I exhale all my worry.
Breathing in a newness that stills a restless pound.
So share my smirk love for you've created it.
From every moment you mocked my honesty.
And for once just live with me in this moment.
Smell the lingering hope that was once in me.

(Unfinished)

For You and Us

I find that I'm a rebel. Even when I conform.
I'm struggling to assert an image
that even I might not believe.
I find you satisfying and a trouble to my mind.
But a journey that I willingly take
on an ever ebbing breeze.

Lingering between two blinking traffic lights,
we find answers in each other.
If we find any answers at all.
And when we touch without ever feeling
I hear myself exhale. For then trouble
is name of the company we call.

But a part is bound to discovering
a softer side of you and me. A peeling and
decaying of a rationalized lust.
So we start again with history that pacifies
greater need. Without confusion we're bound
to unwrap a clearer version of us.

Even on a Sunday

My fingers are callused from playing too much.
My mind is dirty from thinking too much.

Eat your veggies

Green beans are so romantic! *Lick*

Supporting Verizon through text messaging

Recent favorite text messages:

Allison's response to my "So guess who texted me."

"Stupid, idiot, dumb, bad-at-relationships, doesn't-know-what-he-wants, you're-not-for-him-bc-you've-got-it-together boy?"

My response to Curtis's "Happy chaunnukah!"

"Happy black friday! From the tops of the Rockies."

Alli's cousin and Alli on male characteristics

"Yeah. He's silly. To my neice silly and scary mean the same thing."

My brother's response to my "Hey. I love you. Sleep well."

"Likewise"

My recent valentine to Jackie "I was just thinking about you and how much I love you. Thanks for praying for me and believing in me. I finally got out of a bad thing. And I credit some of that to your loving support. Know that I am always praying for you."

Jimmy's "My girfriend is a Democrat. What are the chances of that in Rexburg?"

Matt's "You got it."

Mike's string of conversation with me... all his responses

"Well, hello there little pumpkin. I'm from houston, tx and no i don't think you're lame."

"No i don't think you're lame... even for not letting go because stuff like that is hard"

"he's like glue ain't he? i bet it'll turn out fine. he doesn't deserve u, tha's what i think :-D"

"I'm not posing as the therapist here when i say i know exactly how you feel because i do!"

"Without feeling the draw to go back. i think its because i invested so much in her @ one time."

Jimmy's "I want you to meet my gf sometime."

Lauren's "It's hard when you care so much about a person and they aren't ready for what you can give. But you've got to know that you are amazing, Em, with or without him."

Ty Kump "I saw Sarah fine and sassy just walk by" -May 13th

Katie Crapo "Oh, if that's all. I have to get interviewed for Ophra so that's perfect." -May 24th

Greg Freestone "It's okay, I'm just sitting here watching them make out." -Late May

Jackie's response to my "I'm in Nevada!"

"Congrats- no gamblin or hookin'!" - San Fran trip

Dad's responses to my "I'm on a streetcar, maybe it's named desire." and "I feel like I have Stanley Marshall's wanderlust." -San Fran

"keep having fun. Journal your thoughts luv u Papa" and "Its a great feeling isn't it dad"

Carie's response to my "This date is so boring"

"Sorry friend! Bring up sleeping nude... that ought to spice things up a bit. :)"

Carie's stream of responses to my infatuation for San Francisco

"Ha ha. No more NY flat? :)"

"Figures. :) Just don't do LA. :) Wait, you mean the Utah desert didnt' enthrall you as you drove throught it?!"

"Sad day, we'll convert you somehow. :)"

"No, Provo has had two years. Utah does NOT = Provo. :)"

"Sorry friend! Utah awaits you with open arms. :)"

"Let's be honest, the super cool people like carie eastman are in utah. that alone should make you grateful for this great state!"

Curtis's Idaho response to my "Alli and I got engaged!"

"Yeah... well me and alex got engaged... so there!" -Aug 22

and the follow up to my "It was just a matter of time"

"I'll give u a matter of time."

Allison's stream of insane texts after Curtis drove back from Idaho

"Emily and Curtis sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G!" -Aug 24

"Curtis's voice sounds really deep. Like a imperialist Viking or something. Scary"

"I think he's figured us out, his volume has gone down. Quick! Escape! Before he pulls out the helmet and muskrat fur!"

"No. He wants a Viking woman. They look like the Viking men. You're too pretty. YOu should give him a peace offering from our apartment... Cake!"

"Tell him he can take anything but the fish. Not LAVERN!"

My text to Mike and Curtis yesterday

"I don't know how I feel about living in a world where people need or feel like they need seat covers at public restrooms"

My response to Alli's neice's gibberish - Yesterday

"Maybe its a dialect?"

Amy Fille

I have spent the Thanksgiving week in gratitude for my wonderful family. I love them exponentially. I've needed them as much if not more. But, of all of the people in my life right now I must say I'm the most grateful for Amy. Perhaps that's unfair, Bob and Nancy have been so generous, my parents so understanding, my brother and sister so sanguinal, my roommates and friends so patient. But Amy is so prescient. She is real and tangible. She makes me think about who I am. She allows me to believe in my personal strength. She shares her life with me and allows me to do the same. She does not want me to censor myself. She recognizes how I feel and allows me to feel it. I love her. Sometimes when I think about how different our lives are I wonder how I could become so close to someone so wise and beautiful. I wonder if she finds my own problems trite or silly. I know she doesn't, but the insecure Emily, the Emily that has recently been exposed and mistreated, is fearful and unsure.

I miss Curtis. I do. I miss so much of what we shared. It's hard to step away. I'm embarrassed no matter which way I turn. I feel ashamed for not being able to walk away from this situation earlier. I am embarrassed that I even still like him, after things he has said and the harsh words that were mutually shared. I am embarrassed that I am unable to "just be friends" the way he wants to be. I am ashamed that part of the reason I don't want to "just be friends" is because I know that is what he wants and I don't want him to have it. I feel petty, selfish, strong, and raw. I don't hate him. I feel very far from that emotion. I loved how comfortable and beautiful he made me feel. I loved that we could talk for hours and never get bored. I loved being able to swap music and stories. I miss playing the guitar and singing together. I loved the way the gospel weaved in and out of our conversations. It was so natural. It is an essential part of both of our lives.

Someday I'd like to be Curtis's friend. But now is just not that time. I don't want to marry him. It's crazy that he keeps bringing up that I do. I mean I never thought about it. Not once. Not until he brought it up and even then it was weird. I'm also weirded out by how much he is convinced I am crazy about him. I am as invested in him as I am in any other friend. I have deep friendships. I feel and care deeply about people. I want the best for them. I want them to succeed and be happy. I want all of these things for Curtis. Unfortunately, for Curtis and myself there is another side to our friendship. It's this side that blurs my emotions and simultaneously entices and numbs my senses. I love being loved. I love loving. My friend Jennie once said that we share a similar greatest weakness/strength. We want to give of ourselves wholeheartedly. But Jennie told me how dangerous and selfish that can be. Sometimes people don't want what we have to give. This is how I feel about Curtis. I don't think he knows what he wants. Or, maybe he does, but like me I think its difficult to separate the physical elements of our relationship. And all of my deep feelings towards him and how much I want the best of life for him come out in it. I'm so readable. I've lost "mystery" or whatever because of it. He feels like he knows me, all of me. Which disgusts me. How can he begin to know all of me? Or maybe he feels like he knows all of me worth knowing. That thought should make me even more sick. And it does. It makes me feel so two-dimensional. And yet I want to be held and stroked and told that I am beautiful, funny, sensitive, and soft.

So why do I even miss Curtis? ...After all I've had to say about him. I have come a long way in my life. Curtis has helped me realize this. He makes me feel good about the person I've become. He finds me fascinating and stimulating. He thinks that I am a good, innocent, passionate person who cares about people. He gives me confidence in my callings and asserts my personal endurance. But, it's funny how all of these things can turn in the heat of a moment. How when he has felt trapped or overstimulated he backs away and uses all of these good things against me. We haven't talked in over two weeks. Some of the last things I said to him were, "Damn you," "Go to hell," "I don't hate you," "I wish we could be friends but it's impossible right now," "Please don't call or text me." Two nights ago Curtis texted me at two in the morning with "Happy Channuahka." I texted back twelve hours later with "Happy Black Friday from the tops of the Rockies!" Last night he called me at 11:30. I was asleep and didn't pick up. He didn't leave a voicemail. His roommate Mike and I are good friends and we talked this morning while in bed. (We were on the phone together, not in the same bed.) He said that Curtis came to him last night at around seven and wanted Mike to ask my roommate out and that Curtis was going to ask me out and that the four of us could double. Mike, knowing the situation, said, "What? You want to ask Emily out?" Curtis replied saying that he misses spending time with me, that he thinks I'm so much fun, that he misses the way we used to talk. Mike asked Curtis is he wanted to date me and Curtis said no, that he only wanted to be friends. Mike told him not to call. Mike called Alli though. And Curtis asked to speak with my roommate. Alli asked, "What do you want with my roommate?" Curtis replied, "What kind of question is that?" Alli: "I think you know what I'm getting at." Curtis: "No not really, what are you getting at?" Alli: "Do you want to just be her friend or do you want to date her now?" Curtis: "Just friends." Alli: "Don't call her." And yet he did. I haven't called him back yet. Amy doesn't want me to. I should have said "I don't want to," but that wouldn't be true. So for now I'll have to say, "Amy doesn't want me to."

I know Amy is right, that the more time that goes by the easier this will be. She tells me that I have the right to be extremely happy. And I know that I do! I want to find someone like Jedi. I see how much he loves Amy. He is so intelligent and kind. He is always uplifting her, wanting her to take the spotlight. I want to share the spotlight with someone. I don't want to keep forcing the guy I'm dating to realize that he's worth noticing or supporting. I don't want him to feel like he has nothing to offer me. I want to be uplifted and thought to be beautiful. I want to be swept off my feet the way Amy is swept and the way Jedi sweeps her. I don't want to not share my poetry with someone I care about for fear that its another thing he is intimidated by. My cousin is in my life for a reason. She is strong. She is beautiful. She is so good and right. She inspires me to be a better person and I love her for it. I love her already for who she is, but I feel so close to her for what she gives and accepts. I feel the need to share things with her. I know she doesn't judge me. I know I have to make my own decisions about this person in my life. And I will make them. I'm just glad to have someone who loves me in spite of myself and my emotions and keeps believing in the greatest version of me.

All Souls Day Resolutions

1. I will start every day grateful for the innonence and freshness of it.
2. I will create opportunities to meet new people and develop new relationships.
3. I will strengthen the friendships I value most.
4. I will pray. Often. And I will try to pray more out of gratitude than out of want.
5. I will be happy with who I am and realize the potential I have to be better.

Silencing the Innocent

Thoughts can be destruction in its simplest form.

Missing you could be a terminal end.

Slurring my sleep

I'm to the point where sleep is continually seducing me. I feel like I'm in a Michel Gondry film. Where the dream is the reality I wish to stay in.

Somedays I forget to forget

A long goodbye

Are we kissing? Your presence presses upon me,
the way it did when your lips brushed mine.
And I feel your hands pulling at my hair
telling me that I feel alright.

The distance maintains, a whisper of want,
the way it did when you refused to taste me.
You, afraid to be completely naked so I could
enrobe you in my vulnerability.

Blinking eyelashes. They are the beat of breath
Snagged on your three day stubble and blinked
laughingly at the closeness of your nose.
They shelter me from your emotional tide.

Biting at me. Why do you soothe my smile?
It only relaxes the muscles and leaves them
fatigued from lifting the corners of your gaze.
Teeth that mock the nearness we never shared.






How many poems will I write before I erase the memory of you?
How many days without you before you're not in my mind?
How long will I wonder about your future and think about your family?
How long before I don't hear your voice singing with mine?
How many days before we're free of stress and pain?
How long before you and I are friends again?

Originally I wrote the above in prose, well... tried. It naturally fell into rhyme. Go figure.


And contrary to what may be thought my poetry, while inspired today, is not emoted linearly.

Personal sketches

I've been rediscovering past poetry and whoa. :)

Still

You tricked me.
I was somewhere between your thigh and your hands
when you were making inaudible promises.
The distraction of discovering and being discovered
was more than reparte. It was brash, gutsy, and
right. It was us discovering how we fit together.
Or if we fit at all.

My thoughts were innocently
yours to have. But you twisted them
until I could not untangle you from my mind.
Somewhere my breath was inhaling yours.
What else did it have to reassure it that
you were as dependent upon me as I was
on the idea of you.

I might see you in my present past. And
I'll choke on the memory of the morse code
on every taste bud. A reminder
that with a soft gaze and a gentle touch
I was stranded in the eye of your storm.
How long can I remain immovable?
To be raged upon and tossed aside?
Until your sunrise streaks my face
or until I recapture my fragile self.

Goodbye?

The most amazing thing about breaking up with someone is that at the very moment where you are telling them that you can no longer be with them because it hurts too much, you want them to reach out, hold you, cradle you, love you. You want to share your feelings with someone and have them tell you its okay. But, how is it possible when the person who's loving you is killing the joy you have for life.

That sounds exceptionally fatalistic. But, I'm emotionally raw. I want to have the desire to do the right thing. I know what I'm supposed to do. I've done it. Now, I want to feel like it was right.

Someday

Someday I won't be so naive to believe that I am loved.
Unconditionally.
Someday, I will know that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
And I won't care.
Because I won't be comparing myself to past lovers.

Someday I'll kiss someone so deeply I'll cry for every person
that missed the opportunity.
Someday I will develop calluses.
I'll still feel.
But life won't hurt so much.



I wish I could give you everything you want. I wish I could get everything I need. But, unfortunately we struggle. We're one and the same. I wish I had it in me to kiss you. But, I won't because I feel it too much.

It's a funny day for love or a lovely day for fun

Happiness is being pleasantly surprised... :)

Where my voice finds rest

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore --
and then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load

Or does it explode?

- Langston Hughes


All that can be expected of me is my best. And yet sometimes all I want is to know that someone loves me when I fall so short of even that.

Life is Fine

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!

-Langston Hughes

Poem in process

I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
his anger has consumed any passion I once enshrouded myself in
I am engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
I could leave this capsized shell if only i knew how

would it be worth it to frame the gaze
that left me balled and rooted to the floor?
i should stay here and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time


I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
his anger has consumed the passion i once enshrouded myself in
i could leave this capsized shell in only i knew how

would it be worth it to frame his paralyzing gaze?
it's useless to stay and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
I should rise up from my balled and rooted place on the floor.
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time

Unsent

I recently downloaded Alanis Morissette's song Unsent. I have this self-destructive tendency to listen to music that allows me to wallow in overwhelming thoughts and emotions. I think people like me have solely supported the successful music careers of Sarah McLachlan and Jewel. I've been trying to understand why I love feeling like I'm drowning in emotion. I think sometimes I just need to hear from someone else the sound of loneliness, unrequited love, and charitable sweetness. I'm just going to include the lyrics. I played the song for my sister and mentioned the guy that was applicable to me in each verse. She laughed because they fit so perfectly. And then she got quiet. It's that ebb and flow of emotional understanding that often can only be conveyed through music and free lyricism.

Unsent - Alanis Morissette

Dear Matthew: I like you a lot.
I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now
and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to
come visit me in California I would be
open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were
when you wrote your first song

Dear Jonathan: I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
and think solely about themselves and you were
plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

Dear Terrance: I love you muchly
you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive an-
and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to
fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the
best platform from which to jump beyond myself
what was wrong with me

Dear Marcus: You rocked my world
you had a charismatic way about you with the women
and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't
let me get away with kicking my own ass
but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
and that stopped us from going any furter than we did
and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun

Dear Lou: We learned so much
I realise we won't be able to talk for some time
and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could
we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career your whereabouts


I know I have a hard time letting go or even wanting to let go. I know that I love self-destructively. I know that I want the kind of relationship that I have with the ocean. Gritty, clear, surprising, natural, inspiring, mysterious, and tidal.

Dear ______: I tried not to care.
I realise you haven't thought about me the way that I have you.
Probably for your benefit and mine. And if I
let myself get caught up in your smile, your laugh, your eyes then I would
never move beyond this stagnant place I'm in
I never wanted to overcloud the simplicity of our friendship
but sometimes life just creeps up on me.

Untitled Reasoning

I'm always amazed at the power people have to hurt and help others. Sometimes I wonder which I am doing.

Branded

Van Gogh sacrificed it for a lover. I sacrificed it for one too. My show Sarah Plain and Tall. The top of my ear is burnt off. On Tuesday the girl curling my hair burnt the side of my face and my ear badly. Yesterday as I was tucking a strand of hair behind my ear I felt something fall off. A chunk of my ear. Disgusting yes. Humourous yes. Do I want my ear back? Yes. Do I let anyone curl my hair now? No!

Today's version of Emily

My ex is ....
Maybe I should ... stop procrastinating and go take my shower for the day.
I love ... good girlfriends and kissing boys.
I don't understand ... why I can't get over my present illness.
I lost my ... drive for good grades in biology.
People would say that I'm ... driven, crazy, and passionate.
Sex is ... honestly on the brain.
Love is ... negotiable. To quote Lori. And to quote me... somewhere in my future.
Somewhere, someone is ... wanting me to be happy with everything in my life.
I will always ... love my best friends, but especially Rob for teaching me about life.
Forever is ... what I'm creating.
I think the current President is ... screwing over our educational system.
I woke up this morning ... in pain and wanting to stay wrapped in the my mexican comforter.
Life is full of ... memories and 4:30 am denny's runs
My past ... creates a large part of who I am
I get annoyed when ... I fall short of expectations. Especially my own.
I wish ... I listened to my heart more.
My dog ... is far away from me.
Tomorrow I'm going to ... get up and relish the sun.
I have no tolerance for people who ... hurt me over and over again.
If I had a million dollars I would ... invest some and take a couple thousand and spend the summer in New Zealand.
Sometimes I want to ... go skinnydipping.
Home is ... I honestly don't know. Bits and pieces of things and places.
We are ... people of purpose and forever dreamers.
This weekend ... I will perform in front at least a hundred people.
I understand ... that everyone is beautifully different.
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise.

Gone with the wind

Every bad emotion and negative thought I feel right now is going to be released to cyberworld. What's been done has been done. All I can control is today and its individual moments.

The Lusty Month of May

To borrow from the tried and true classic Camelot.

I've decided that if such a weakness/illness/or whateverness exists such as spring fever I have it. All symptoms and strands of the virus. The weather here is insanely beautiful. So much so that I have been motivated to start running outside again. (This has served as a humbling experience because I have now discovered how out of shape I am and how different running inside is than running outside. No matter. It's beautiful and it makes me feel great. Once I've finished or made it past the uphill portion of my run.) I'm changing from my pasty skin to my freckly slightly brownish color. I love freckles. People actually want to go outside and do something. We blow off their spring homework assignments right and left. And we do it freely with the excuse "Life is short and so is nice weather."

But probably the strand of spring fever I've got the most has to do with boys. Which I don't think is unusual for most people, but it certainly caught me off guard. I recently called my Dad and he actually asked me if I had a boyfriend. I don't, but I think its funny that he heard an extra bounce in my speech. We'll see what becomes of it. For now I'm going to enjoy the weather, good company, procrastination, my show, playing outside, and the craziness that the male gender presents. May is by far my favorite month.

Missing me

I once wrote a poem based off the emotions I felt from listening to a particular song with a particular someone. Most of my friends will know the context of which I'm speaking. And the friends that don't are the new ones that haven't really been exposed to a part of my life that used to be a huge white elephant in the room. I'm going to put the lyrics here. Because I really feel them right now. I mean every inch of me feels them right now.

In the shadow of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
The line moves slowly past the electric fence
Across the borders between continents

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the shadowm of tall buildings
The architecture is slowly peeling
Marble statues and glass dividers
Someone is watching all of the outsiders
The line moves slowly through the numbered gate
Past the mosaic of the head of state

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the shadow of tall buildings
Of open arches endlessly kneeling
Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
Someone is listening from a safe distance
The line moves slowly into a fading light
A final moment in the dead of night

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is


I just am not sure where I'm supposed to be right now. Where is home? I know that doing this show is right. I am always so happy during rehearsal. Perhaps a little too happy because it is so close to a reality that in many ways I cannot have. I don't know what classes I want to take spring if I even want to take any. I miss my family and they all want me to come home for summer semester. But if I do that I won't be able to afford the fall semester. It's really frustrating because its the last summer I'll have to spend with my brother for almost three years.

In all of this is a suffering definition of myself. I know what career I want, but I want a life of experiences to build it out of.

I'm still loved

So the whole time I was leaving messages on people's blogs and they weren't responding was ignorance on my part. See why technology and not people hate me. :)

Headline: Cavewoman gets electrocuted!

Why am I technologically stupid?

Why don't I know how to create the cool extra side headings that everyone else has?!!!

If you chance to meet a frown...

Somethings are easy to predict. Examples: Red sails at night sailors' delight... The ball dropping on New Year's. Fake smiles from Flight Attendants. That village in Germany holding their annual gratitude pageant from being spared from war. Underage kids sneaking into an R-rated movie. How the weather affects Emily's mood. Sun, sun, warmth, warmth, and then somebody upstairs thinking it would be funny to all of a sudden make it drizzily and cold. Blech.

Today was just one of those days. I hate it when my acting confidence is shaken. First it annoys me when it happens. Second, try as I might it affects--at least on a minor scale--my day. Third, it makes me more conscious of myself which makes me suck even more. I guess the worst is when you feel like you did a really good job and you were originally told that and then you watch yourself in class and all of a sudden everything that you were directed to do and were complimented on is shredded to little bits. The hardest thing is as actors we have to roll with the punches. We have to take every ounce of criticism and grow from it. Even if that criticism is hogwash (and I'm not hinting that this criticism was at all) we still have to process it as crap. It still affects us. There's so much involved. And just when I feel like I'm finally connecting with my body... smack... I'm told those impulses are fabricated. It was a pretty sucky feeling.

On a lighter note I had one of the best weekends in spite of how busy it was. Well, except for the Kenneth Cope fireside that I knew would be portentous and knew I would dislike, felt obligated to attend, felt forced to feel the spirit and hated for his sake that I didn't want to be there. But other than that my weekend was pretty great. I still can't wipe this giddy smile off of my face. :) I had one of the best dating experiences I have ever had. For the first time I felt completely myself. I didn't feel like I was holding back to "play the game." I felt comfortable and listened to and appreciated. It was so nice. Even if this doesn't go anywhere (and I'm not sure where and if it would go) it let me know that I don't have to feel awkward and uncomfortable on a date. I should never not be me. So thanks to the person that gave me that. If you ever read this you know who you are. :)

Sarah ugly and stupid

Thanks for the new title. And for the wonderful compliments. You sure are the charmer. I should probably abuse you in our scene instead of the other way around. (In case any of you still have doubts over my sarcastic ability-that was my latest attempt.)

And "plain" in the sense of this show means "I just plain can't keep my hands off her." Yeah. ;)

Love unrequited

If I stopped loving you would it be easier
to breathe, to sleep, to smile?
Would you want to sing again?
Would you forget how to cry?
Would the pain of my existence
diminish from your mind?
Would every moment I've said your name
be bandaged with a little time?

Perhaps I've clung on foolishly
to the branches of a dead dream.
And maybe the only half of me left
is a lie I cannot get out from underneath.
The blanketing comfort of imagined love
is suffocating the life we once had planned.
I promise I will learn to let you go
when every inch of me says I can't.

I am my own evil twin

So I recongize there are problems with saying no to a guy.

1) It wounds his self-esteem.
2) It makes you seem like a jerk.
3) It deters other guys from asking you out.
4) It makes him belive he is an unattractive person which is an unfair assumption of both parties

When what you're really thinking is...

1) I am so freakin' busy this weekend
2) I truly do not see this going anywhere and would feel guilty having him spend money on me.
3) We have very little in common.

Oh and one more reason why saying no sucks...

It makes people judge your sexual orientation. Which again is unfair to EVERYONE. Not just the two parties involved.

More than this

Do you know what I see when you smile?

Jan. 24 2005 Post

How I've grown. :)

"I have an intermediate acting class this semester, and I have to admit that it is transforming me in ways I never would have imagined. We have done two excercises that have made me come out from behind my shell of... well whatever the heck it is (politeness, timidness, somethingness). Today the opening improv game was called "Argument Bump." All of the students walked around the classroom and when we accidently brushed (or bumped into) another person we had to get in a spontaneous argument with he or she. I am admitedly nonconfrontational and to be forced to let out all and any rage in a safe environment where if I let a few choice words slip out no one will judge me (For those of you reading this who are still judging me... get over it. I didn't swear.) was the most exhilaring, peaceful, and rejuvenating experience ever. The other excercise we did was called the vulnerability excercise. I won't take the time to explain suffice it to say that I was not allowed to hide behind anything. I had to be willing to let people see me, every sweet and/or damnable part. This is something I have been trying to do more of. Letting people see me for who I am and allowing them to decide if it's someone they want to get to know. It's a hard thing to do, because what if they choose to say no thanks.

I'm such a girl. I wonder if guys think about these things. Then again, I wonder if most people think these things or if I'm just a chronic worrier/people pleaser. I'm even partway censoring my blog. See "sweet and/or damnable part." It's not even swearing and yet I tried to find a different word for damnable. Sometimes I wonder what God thinks of all my thought processes (and moderate liberalities). I think He's thinking I need to get some sleep and stop rambling."

Hoi polloi

I have no idea what I think about people right now. Why do we fail over and over again? How is it that I can be so passionate about my understanding of others and fall short in seeing beyond their adjectival description? Why do I care so much? About everything.

Do you ever look outside and think about all of the millions of things going on around you? Do you think about all of the thoughts that scuttle through your brain at 100mph in a five minute period? Do all of these things and my relationship to them compose me? Am I something more than that? Do I see others as more than these things?

I love rhetorical questions. I think I should change my blog title to something like "The Rhetoric of the Mind." Wouldn't that be hokey? :) I love people. I'm confused and driven crazy and invest too much of myself in them but I love them. I want to be a part of their lives. I want them to be a part of mine. This is sounding a little like a love affair or stalker infatuation. Hmm. Maybe it's a little of both.

I have a class right now that is loaded with personalities. Every single person is exceptionately different from everyone else. It's strange. When you cram us all in a room together for hours on end the dynamics are fascinating. There are people that subconciously crave attention. There are listeners. People who are quietly observing everyone. There are people who like to say things just to tick people off. You can't help but wondering how much of a personality is a result of their pure essence of being or the result of their enculturation.

...Warm Poo

So I realized I have become a lazy blogger... not only because I rarely ever post but because when I do I put down random poems and quotes and slap what I must of thought at the moment was a witty or "lyrical" title. Gag. It's 10:34 at night and I have a ton of crud to do. Hence the title. (Well, there's more to the title but I don't know how up to explaining it I feel.)

Why am I procrastinating yet again? Because I live in two worlds. It's a Jekyll and Hyde situation but I really don't know if the good guy/bad guy lines are drawn out so neatly. I've pidgeonholed myself in being the good student. I don't just mean in grades but mentality. It's exhausting because I keep adding more responsibilities and trying to give 100% at all of them. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that I'm tiring myself out and not being able to give as much as I want to. After all there is only so much of the pie to divide up and geometry was never really my thing anyway. Back to procrastination. It's a drug in some ways because I convince the Jekyll part of me that I will get my assignments done while the Hyde part is feeling all bad ass because I'm delaying getting it done.

So in an effort to reprioritize my life once again here is my list of things I want to do:

1. Put my heart and soul into Sarah, Plain and Tall because I feel so privileged to have a title character and want to give her as much substance as she deserves. Plus, I'm thrilled about the cast, director, and designers. It should be a great experience. I feel that and I want to contribute to the cause.
2. Continue to be a part of the Thrillionaires... even if it means a temporary sabatical while I do the Sarah thing. I LOVE improv.
3. Forget life for a week and go to California. Because a) I've never been b) Laura will make for an amazing traveling companion c) why the heck not?
4. See the rest of the films that were nominated for Academy awards. This is an ambitious goal. I at least want to hit all of the best pictures.
5. Get a new swimsuit and get a tan. (Ambitious. I know) Even if it means I'm one of those girls people in the Ward gossip about because they go to some secluded portion of a park and lay out. Hey! I love Vitamin D.

I think in my true blogging fashion I have ended randomly. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more coherent and I can provide a better retraction for the material in my blog.

The lyrics of life

A song we sang in sixth grade

Sail Away

My grandfather journeyed like so many others
he sailed with the west and the sun.
He sailed out of Bristol along with his brothers
a new world was there to be won.
He'd heard of the mountains in far Colorado
where eagles flew free in the air.
He'd find a high mountain and live in its shadow
for something was calling him there.

Sail away, away to America
far off over the sea.
There is something there in America
and it's calling for me.

Now what he took with him was what he could carry
his books and an old violin.
And, sailing there with him, the girl he would marry,
a new life was there to begin.
My mother was born there not many years after
and all of her sisters as well.
And all of the years, all the tears, and the laughter
are there in the stories they tell.

Sail away, away to America
far off over the sea.
There is something there in America
and it's calling for me.



One of my favorite poems

Ask Me by William Stafford

Sometime when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden, and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that thold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

The result of single's ward FHEs

A love poem written about me by my engaged "Dad"

As 9:45pm of Dec. 14 approaches
our steak marinates in the saucese
that will in flame our passion
over the grill of our satisfaction

Though, I be not Spiderman
and flyinlg through the air
is too much for me
I can be that normal man
to catch you in my web
and then set you free.

(All the original punctuation of Phil... It was quite the experience)

Surviving Valentine's Day

Well, I made through another day dedicated to the colors red, pink, and white. All during work I kept asking people if they knew the true reason we celebrate this holiday. Sorry Paul Harvey I guess nobody cares enough about the Saint.

On the other hand it was a really surprising V-Day. At eight-thirty I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and Meag was doing Pilates in the living room when there was a knock at out door. She runs into the bathroom and says, "Em. There is a really attractive guy at our door asking for you." So I run out of the bathroom, slowly saunter across the living room (I'm cool), and notice that the person at the door IS really attractive. Unfortunately, I don't know him. He asks, "Are you Emily?" Yes, I am. "This is for you." He hands me this big basket full of Valentine's Day-ish things. It's got Martinelli's, a box of chocolates, some Toblerone candy bars, Hershey's Kisses, those sugar hearts with messages, a teddy bear, all of that. Then this guy reads me this card. It says: "To Emily From A tall, dark, and/or handsome guy" In a moment of boldness I said as sexily as I could. So... you wouldn't happen to be the 'tall, dark, and/or handsome guy' would you? "No ma'am. I'm just the delivery boy." Oh. Well, could you tell me something more about this person? "Sorry. I'm not at liberty to say anything more than what's written on the card." Okay. "Here's our card if you ever want to do business in the future." Thanks. And the delivery boy leaves.

I have no idea who it could be. Okay... well I had some guesses but so far they've turned out wrong. So whoever this mystery guy is or girl... it could be a tall, dark, and/or handsome person... they've maintained their mystery. Although I would love to lift the shroud. :)

As far as the rest of my Valentine's day... I wrote a huge paper. Blech. Ate at Panda Express for the first time. ...And went to practice for this Improv troupe that I am in and love! So all in all a day packed full of activities. And questions.

The ebb and flow of emotion

To feel again in my heart actual desires for another person was amazing. It was as if I was being permitted to experience again the excitement of emotion. It had been so long that I initially felt that. But, like everything else in life it was a bittersweet moment. I remember now what it is to like someone and have it not be returned. And, even if my interest were recipricated for his interest to be complicated in the briars of life. I remember what it's like to love (even on a minor scale) and I remember what it's like to long.

Second chances are miracles in and of themselves

What an amazing experience! I got back from another long, arduous, wonderful audition. And, I think I did really well. There is only one girl part however and there were seven called back for it. I still think I'm a major contender. Even if I don't get in, Arsenic and Old Lace is going to be amazing and I know I did my best. :) For those hours that I was auditioning I got this wonderful confirmation that this is what I need to be doing. It's what I love. It's what I want to give to people. How many people get to know that at age twenty?

Sleepless infatuation on worry

Auditions. Good... actually great! And the bad. I don't understand how I can be so hot and cold. Why one moment I am so connected and the next I'm floundering. I have so much to improve upon. So I'm acting track. I don't do extended realism or historical pieces very well. To my frustration because that's what BYU prefers. I don't know when I'm going to work on it. I need to be dancing, acting, being in shows, working, singing, monologueing, auditioning, doing homework, and praying I don't drown. I need some direction. I need to be an insomniac. :)

It's funny because I love this. I love acting. I couldn't imagine anything else. But how am I going to get where I need to be? How am I going to flourish when I'm trying just to survive? I'm never ever going to date. When? Who would want this life? (Another actor who has a free idea of love. I mean free in the sense that we never see each other but we eventually come together at times to talk about nothing and everything until we have to leave again.) But I can't really see a love life for me anyway. It's not that big of a deal. So many sacrifice it.

But the sleep thing. I kind of need that. I want to sleep long enough to dream.

Sunlight. Singing. Sheep.

Nothing is weirder than listening to Ben Folds cover Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. That being said...

So I leave one home for another in, oh, less than three days. Suck. I don't know how to feel. I guess neither happy or sad. I'm so elated to finally be accepted into the acting major. I can't explain in words what that means to me. I can't wait to have classes with, well, :)

But I wish my family were much closer. And, I feel sick trying to figure out what to do with my summer. It's just nauseating. I don't know where my life is anymore. Wherever I am I don't want to leave. Everyone is getting older. There are people in my life who might not ever know me. The real me. Heck. Do I even know that person yet? A part of me wants to lie on the grass with a big cotton sheet underneath the summer stars somewhere near a lake. Wrapped up in gorgeous white linen. It all seems so simple, so idyllic. What is it we are striving for in life? Why do I dream about the things I do? Is love the driving force? Is greed? Or is greed just a dirtier version of self-love? ...which brings it back to love in the first place.

Shakespeare. Sondheim. Sundays. Nakedness. Loss. Growth. Sushi. Swimming. Silver dollars. Dancing. Crying. Cuddling. Severing. Slipping. Simple.

Am I words? Am I energy? Am I life? Am I... where?

Growing into an age

I'm twenty. It's amazing how contradictory I feel. I feel so much more responsible and filled out as a person and yet I feel so inexperienced. So I write poetry. I guess you'll have to get used to me emoting in this manner. It's kind of addicting for me.

I love a fabrication
Of ink and rouge and time.
The twisting calligraphy of personality
Dispersed among the spaces of silence
Voids we filled with our breath
On linen and in each other’s hair

I imagine you a writer
In a pastoral Parisian town
And I an uncompromising artist
Five hundred kilometers away/ Flooding the streets of Florence with colour
My letters would be your wallpaper
And yours the tiling of my floor
Reminding ourselves we are only as distant as a memory

I keep a guest room that you will never visit.
But we make love there every night the sun and moon collide
I love the morning with you
The dewiness of day and
Your frosty breath the cool breeze
Of everything I ever needed
But could never think to ask for.

We lie there, sleeping for centuries.
We are the death of selfishness, the birth of innocence
We are the birds and the grass and the ink and the rouge
We bleed together and time blurs
We love and are love.

Quotes that inspire me

"God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future-- to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities. God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

So that's the best definition of belief in God I have heard so far. And, the crazy thing is... I see how it's true. I've been afforded some clarity in my life. I desperately needed it. While, I don't know for certain if I'm in the major or not yet, I have an excellent shot at it.


"The gift of discernment opens to us vistas that stretch far beyond what can be seen with natural eyes or heard with natural ears. Discerning is seeing with spiritual eyes and feeling with the heart-- seeing and feeling the falsehood of an idea or the goodness in another person. Discerning is hearing with spiritual ears and feeling with the heart--hearing and feeling the unspoken concern in a statement or the truthfulness of a testimony or doctrine." ~Elder David A. Bednar

Burned

It's hot chocolate not a marriage proposal.

More poetry

In sickness I awoke today a shadow of my spirit.
My head was full of thoughts unvoiced
and emotions left to fester.
Someday I'll let them all run loose
and scald the air with life.
But today they'll collect from dripping
from the places I forgot to hide.




I long for a road to run away from all my responsibility.
Sometimes it's dirt and all my troubles filth the air behind me.
Sometimes it's grass and I go slower enjoying the rocky ride.
Somtimes it's sand and I get stuck from problems I left behind.

But then sometimes I stay with structure on pathways made of brick
And I can't see a different road though there are thousands I could pick.
But all I need to run away is the kiss of wind upon my face
Assuring me that leaving is the answer I should take.

A road for my thoughts and a road for my soul
I choose to loosen my grip on control.

Today of all days

Life is crying, then composing, then crying even harder.

The poetry of my day

Salted Wounds

I couldn't let you see me cry.

You who has never known disapointment.
You who was staring at me completely void of emotion.
Not knowing whether to swallow me in your large embrace
or let solitude burn my agony out.
You who kept your gaze fixed, waiting for me to crack.

And I was filled with apathetic rage.
The rage that hollows out your insides
leaving nothing but stinging flesh and
the bite of despair.

And I couldn't let you see me cry.
I couldn't give that gift to you.

My fragile self was too close to the surface and
the steel of your blue eyes was too bitter and
your hands were too rough.
I couldn't be that vulnerable.
I was already broken and blistered
But to be shattered-
well...I could never be me again.

Understanding Eve

All I can say is I'm beginning to understand how people can be tempted. I am not exempt from those emotions. Is it weird that now I have a much better perspective when I read scripts, watch movies, and talk to people? I'm just glad that the situation I was in is not incriminating. I can feel the emotions I was trying so desperately to rid myself of. Still, I now know how vulnerable I am.

She's sun and rain. She's fire and ice.
A little crazy but it's nice.
And when she gets mad you best leave her alone.
She'll rage just like a river;
then she'll beg you to forgive her.
Oh, she's every woman that I've ever known.

She's so New York and then LA
and every town along the way.
She's every place that I've never been.
She's making love on rainy nights.
She's a strobe of Christmas lights.
And she's every thing I wanna do again.

And it needs no explanation
cause it all makes perfect sense.
When it comes down to temptation,
she's on both sides of the fence.

She's anything but typical.
She's so unpredictable.
Oh but even at her worst she ain't that bad.
She's as real as real can be
and she's every fantasy.
Lord, she's every lover that I've ever had.
She's every lover that I've ever had.

The rest of me

Tonight I will sleep to die and awake a better person.

On a gray day you can see for never

I'm really tired of guys right now. I know I'm going to sound like the typical spinster/feminist but honestly.

Today, I'm studying in the library and this guy that used to be my friend and we used to have these great conversations and we used to hang out on occassion, treated me so coldly. I don't know what I did to deserve it. I never backed out of my friendship with him. I never changed my personality. I never expected anything of him. I'm still trying to be cordial and polite but all I get is sharpness.

This same thing happened to me with another boy who is in a lot of my classes. This is going to sound uber-insecure, but I just haven't been feeling... I don't know. How do you put it in words? Because it's more than physically attractive. I'm not stupid enough to allow these guys to influence whether or not I'm beautiful. I feel like I'm not fun, or spontaneous, or interesting, or too smart. And, I know I shouldn't care what they think. But lately, I... I've been feeling insecure. Blah. It's out there.

I'm not writing this blog so that I guilt anyone into telling me I'm a wonderful person. I want to let you know and more importantly myself know that I am human. I feel shy, confused, embarrassed, guilty, at different times. Sometimes all at once. I don't want anyone to ever think that because of the faith that I claim as my own that I have all of the answers or that I'm never depressed. While I feel like there are things in my life I need to change, I don't feel like I'm "sinning." I don't think doubting/questioning areas of my faith is a bad thing. And it's not pulling the foundation out from under me. I don't think God is dissastisfied by my questioning either. And I don't think even if I were totally assured in my convictions that I would never feel this hodge-podge of melancholy that I'm feeling right now. And, I know that I do experience moments of exquisite joy. Primarily when it concerns my family.

Life is so interesting. For those of you who read this, thanks for going along for the ride. Know that I love you. More than anything. Know how happy you make me and that there is never a day when I'm not thinking about you, your happiness, and all that you give me. Love. Love. Love. I send it to you.

Mirror Mirror

No, the reason my picture is a blog entry is not because I am that vain and know how much you love that picture. Frankly, you're probably all bored with it anyway. The reason it is there is the same reason I have not changed my facebook picture. I'm technologically stupid. Last night I was attempting to put a profile picture in my blog and that entry was the result. Mind you this was a forty-five minute attempt to try to get it right. And my uncle wonders why I'm not a computer science major. Technology hates me.

So that is me. I don't think I'm going to take it off. I wouldn't really know how and even if I could learn I'd rather spend the time learning how to put things on the right way. So maybe I'll get lucky and the casting director of the new Bourne movie will need a Matt Damon "it" girl for the third sequel and just happen to stumple upon this interesting blog of an actress in Utah. How's that for fantasy?! While I'm dreaming... can I have some unknown trust fund be made known and a house in Alsace donated to me?

January 2005 

"In the beginning was the Tao?"

I've been doing so much thinking about God. I guess when you attend a religious university, play a character in a production who questions who God is all the time, have a class that studies the world religions from a truly unbiased standpoint, and take a theatre history course where you analyze the Book of Job from a theatrical/mythological perspective... this will happen.

I was reading a book for yet another class, American Heritage, and my thoughts just started going. The ecclesiastical leader was challenging why we have to remove God from the political happenings of our country. He wasn't advocating a particular god over another, he was attibuting the moral values this country was founded on to a supreme being/force. He was also pointing out that our nation is ridding itself of the values that make it strong. Who do you offend when you leave God in or take him out of the Constitution? Does anytime God is mentioned in the important documents of our country refer to the Judeo-Christian deity? Does it have to? Do we have to remove God to be tolerant? Is it wrong to recognize a force of moral responsibility to found our country on? Is it blasphemous for an individual from a Judeo-Christian background to advocate this stance that appears to strip the traditional God of worship down to an idea? These are some of the questions tumbling around in my mind. Are people removing God to be tolerant or removing God to remove themselves from moral responsibility? I know that is assuming there is a universal moral right and wrong. But does believing that there are universal rights and wrongs automatically make an individual intolerant or unsusceptible to change?

I know I'm rambling and not making much sense. But as I was reading I wondered what the definition of an atheist is. What if you believe that there is only a force in the world? Or that there are only universal laws? There is no God in Taoism. Not that a Judeo-Christian tradition would consider. However, Tao, is a force that is revered. In tao there is no beginning or end. (Like alpha and the omega.) Taoists would never call themselves atheist however. But from a political perspective the word God would include Tao values, because Taoists believe in a universal force that promotes right-doing.

We had a discussion in my acting class about whether truth needed to be precisely adequate and raw in order to teach. Do we need to show the exact level of violence in a war movie as what was really experienced in order for people to understand? Do we need to use the profanity of a hardened criminal in order to come to terms with his/her courseness? The teacher was not advocating a particular answer but rather was calling our attention to how impressionable we are. How vulnerable we are in theatre to be shaped and molded by forces we allow to take control of us. (My thoughts again -->) Are we really free if we are bound to a society that spells out what tolerance is and what it is not? What reality is and what it is not? I don't know. I don't know.


I really hope that people will post their own ramblings. I'm not necessarily looking for answers but ideas, contrasting ideas about the world. If they are too private but you want to share email me.

Things that make me happy

1. Friends that are girls.
2. Last minute spontaneous lunch breaks that almost make you late for work.
3. Procrastinating on my theatre history homework because theatre history sucks. (Guess what I'm doing right now?)
4. Watching Arrested Development.
5. Swimming a mile to prove to my brother that I can do it. Even if the only stroke I can do is the breast stroke without drowning.
6. Sitting in the Actor side of the HFAC because I am now accepted into the HFAC Actor Slab Group.
7. Reading my friends comments on my blog. They make my days.
8. Being a liberal.
9. Talking about boys. Even though they are clueless and sometimes shallow. (But hey girls are too.)
10. Being in a play.
11. YOGA.
12. Diet A & W Rootbeer because my roommate Carie thinks it's funny that I like healthy things but love carbonation.
13. Sleeping naked. (When I'm alone. It would weird my roommate out too much.)
14. Good conversation.
15. Family. That should be up at the top.
16. Pix/text messaging. My brother and I actually communicate now.
17. Doing well on my acting midterms.
18. Last minute spontaneous anything.
19. Walmart shopping sprees.
20. Green sweatpants.
21. My friends.
22. Sheila. I love the rest of you too, but I feel like I really have to put Sheila's name down.
23. Living in Mormon-land where everyone thinks everyone gets married at age 18 and being almost 20 without being in a serious relationship.
24. Reading movie scripts.
25. Writing this list.

Color my world boy

Can we just emote?

A life to call my own

Finally! I finished working as a dresser for Fuente Ovejuna. Theatre majors have to do so many service credit hours for the major and my 360 credit is DONE. :) I will have five more hours to my day. Now instead of going from class to work to rehearsal to fuente, I can go home and eat dinner. Maybe talk to my roommate. Pick up my underwear. Memorize some monologues and sleep more than three hours a night.

For the first time in years (and I am not exaggerating) I got nine hours of sleep on a school night. It was intoxicating. I woke up so rejuvenated I thought for sure someone had drugged me. Mmm.

I'm in a show right now. It's called A Generation Raised in Propriety. The play is about this girl named Emma who has all of these friends who are abused. Her best friend is named Marie and Marie gets the worst from her father. Emma doesn't have a great family life (her mom is a terrible alcoholic and though she loves her father he can't take the pressure of his marrital situation and run-away son and leaves the family) either but because she isn't physically abused the kids at school think she is spoiled. The teachers at school are supposedly raising the children to live a proprietess life, but it's really a corrupting enculturation. The setting is Swindon, England so everyone (except for Ms. French) speaks with a British accent.

I'm playing Emma. It's my first lead at BYU. Though it is a student written, student directed show it will be playing on one of the mainstages so I am kind of nervous. I LOVE Emma. I just feel for her situation. I want to perform to the best of my ability.

So that's what has been going on in my life. I feel so disconnected from the world right now. I want to spend time with people, watch a movie, call people I haven't talked to in ages, and do well in my classes at school. I miss you all.

Ice Ice Baby

I've been informed that ice crunching means more than a signal of iron deficiency.

Supposedly ice crunchers have pent up sexual tension...

I think I'll leave it at that. :)

Soy divertida!

Today someone threw me off guard. (Today by the way has been a much better day.) They asked me the simplest question. Subtracting school work and subtracting acting...

What do you do for fun?

And you know what. I was stumped. I know that I do stuff, but it has been a while since I sat down and made time for fun. Ack! I am my mother.

So over the next couple of days, weeks, whatever, I'm going to compile a list of things I like to do for fun. Not things I do because they will make me a better person. Not things I do that make others happy. (I'm not saying I shouldn't do those or that I'll stop.) But things I do to make me, Emily, happy. Feel free to contribute things you think I like to do in the form of comments. Or suggest things you like to do. I need ideas.

#1 I shamelessly drop anthing I'm doing whenever I notice Good Will Hunting is on TV. Life stops, whether there is five minutes or two hours left in that movie.

Breakthroughs and breakdowns

Did you ever just feel so nauseated from personal emotions that you wanted to vomit them all over the sidewalk and never have to deal with them again? I know. The image is graffic. I just feel so... sick. I don't know. I feel confused, disappointed, tired (thank you mono-relapse), overwhelmed, and lazy. And, I just feel like a slacker for feeling this way. There are so many elements out of my control and while I should be able to recognize this and move on I keep snagging my foot in the door.

Today was incredible for me in Improv though. I took risks I never would have taken before. I guess I just wanted the opportunity to prove what I have on stage. Is that vain? I don't know. I just want to cry from feeling... lost. It's not about not getting a part. It's not about other problems and struggles I'm currently dealing with. It's a general all around feeling. I'm tired of it. I know that I'll learn something from this crap I'm feeling right now. But, for once I'm tired of lessons. I know that I have to trust God knows what is best for me. Right now though I'm having a hard time. I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I can't think, "Hey, you know what's best. If I willingly turn my life over to you, you will make me happier than I could ever make myself alone." I hate that I feel like I'm making myself unaccessible to the Atoning power of Jesus Christ. I want to be forgiven and feel peace. I want to be rid of all my ill feelings so I can accomplish what I need to.

I guess if I can't vomit physically (and trust me my stomach definitely wants to) a verbal hurling will have to do. So here's a page full of blah. And here's a vulnerable Emily for the taking.

From great generations come great questions

It's been almost ten months since my grandfather passed away and I am reading the 100 American Milestone Documents for my American Heritage class. Right now I am on President Franklin Roosevelt's Radio Address unveiling the second half of the New Deal (1936). This affected my grandfather's life! He voted; he was concerned. It makes me want to cry. I wish I could talk to him again about what it was like. How he made decisions.

I chuckle to myself when I think about my grandfather's political affiliations. He would never talk politics with anyone. He said the three things you never talk about with a man so as to avoid confrontation are Politics, Religion, and How to Raise a Family. Because everyone thinks they're right and no one wants to change. But, my grandfather broke his rule. One day as I was folding laundry he came up to me and just spilled out all of his feelings about the current political news. I think Clinton's scandal had just erupted. And, even though my grandfather had some of the highest morals I have ever known I was surprised about what he had to say. He told me about Kennedy. He talked to me about the New Deal. He wanted me to not evaluate a person based on one area of their life, but to look at the entire picture. He wasn't saying what Clinton did was right. He wasn't saying that Clinton was the perfect president. He was giving me a lesson in how to judge a man (or rather a lesson in how I should never make face judgements on a man). He was teaching me about life by swirling me among the images of his world. For a time I was enshrouded with images of the CCC, World War II, Vietnam, and the Great Depression.

I don't think he ever talked politics with anyone but me from then on. At least in the immediate family. Another day when he found out what I had registered as he came up and said "We're a lot alike you and me." I was thinking "How much of me is him? How much of me wants desperately to be the kind of man he is? Concerned about everyone's needs around him." And, as I silently wish my own political beliefs upon others I can't help but think about why they are what they are. How much of who they are is composed of their role models? Are they thinking "how much of me is him?"

I've been realizing more and more that I need to become more socially active in my community. I don't mean in an annoying "I'm going to force my opinion on you whether you like it or not" kind of way. I mean that I need to stake a claim to my beliefs, reevaluate them all the time, and look for opportunities to serve others. I don't want people to look at what I represent and see me as just a result of my desired profession or a desire to be an odd-ball in a very dominant culture. I want people to see who I am and what I stand for and say "Hey... that's Emily." I want to live my life and when I die my grandchildren say. "How much of me is her?" "How much of me is her?"

All the colors of the rainbow

One week of school down. Too bad I'm still kind of clueless about my schedule. To quote Sheila "Oh Emily. You're so pretty." (As she pats my silly little head.) However, it looks like I got into the section of Acting Improvisation that I wanted to get into. Several of my acting friends are probably not happy about it, but I'm doing what I can to get into the major. Which I found out is looking more and more positive. Thank goodness. I was so worried. One more audition and if I improve even just a little from last time I should make it.

Speaking of auditions I auditioned for a couple of shows. I got the lead in a student written, student directed show that will be put on one of the mainstages here. I'm still kind of shocked about that one. The other two shows that I auditioned for are biggies here on campus. I didn't make call backs for the Shakespeare, "Two Gentleman of Verona." But to my complete surprise I did for "Getting Married!" "Getting Married" by George Bernard Shaw is the senior project. There was one role that could be filled by an undergraduate girl and I was one of four to get called back. I don't know yet if I'll get the part but I was honored to even be considered. I think I have a good chance at playing Edith. But we'll see. "Getting Married" would be the first show at BYU where I would have a lead. Plus, the director is the head of the acting department. And, I'd be working with all seniors who know the ins and outs of the major and it would be incredible to just glean some of the knowledge they have gained over their years at BYU. Okay, it already sounds like my hopes are sky high, but I really am trying to be as realistic about it as possible. If it doesn't work out it will definitley be fine. I have a lot on my plate as is.

So the Utahn who speaks Italian who I kind of liked never called me back. (Ha. To all those people who think I date like crazy or weild some sort of magic influence over guys.) However, the guy that I sort of was amazed with all last year is in two of my acting classes and appears somewhat interested. He is incredibly talented and driven (the qualities I find most attractive) and frankly the fact that I even like a teensy bit scares me to death. Can I like an actor? My mom would flip, that's for sure. I'm not pushing this in one way or the other. I recently saw him in a performance and was reminded again of how talented he is, and two that he is an amazing kisser. Which reminded me of the fact that I still haven't kissed on or off the stage. My fear and anticipation of this is now reaching epic proportions. What if I'm boring? What if I'm a drooler? Would you guys still associate with me?

:) I was just thinking of this conversation I had with one of my guy friends. He laughed when he noticed how frequently I chew my ice. "You know what all that ice chewing means, right Emily?" "Yeah," I began eyeing him carefully, "it means I'm iron deficient." "Well, that too." "Wait, hold up what else does it mean?" I responded. "You're sexually frustrated." Well I guess Sheila was right again about those Mormons. ;)

Anyway, back to this boy. He has the coolest name. I think when he was born his parents were like, "I want this son to be an actor. So let's call him..." His name is a color. And no it's not analogous to the Paltrow "Apple." I realize by now that any one of my acting friends could figure out who the guy is by now so I might as well use his name. But, I don't know. A little mystery never hurt anyone. Which is why I guess my friendship with him right now has got me so intrigued.

Death to the Hangout Kings

Only in Provo is "hanging out" spoken out against. Date. Date. Date! is the mantra now. Actually that's not entirely accurate. We just have this ecclesiastical leader who thinks that all the boys in our ward are shallow and will only ask out hott girls. Or the Bishop thinks that the guys go over in droves of four or five to ravage the girls' apartments of their food. Okay. Whatever.

The problem is you have a couple of girls who go crying to the Bishop about how they are not getting asked out. Translation: They are not getting asked out by the ward 6-Pack and turn down any guy that looks a little like John Heder. (No offense to dear Napolean.) And I said looks a little, not acts a lot like. :) Get with it girls and get with it dear Bishop. I agree that some of the guys need to date more. And, sometimes it's a little hard to understand what a guy's intentions are if he is coming over frequently but never taking the relationship to the next level. (Although if you are just misconstruing friendship for something more than that's your fault chica.) But honestly, I'd rather get asked out less than get asked out every night of the week by some stranger I don't really know to walk around Kiwanis Park for the eighth time sharing a fifty cent ice cream cone. Can you even buy a fifty cent ice cream anymore? Oh well, as they say in Italy Chu ca fa (or something like that).

Focaccia!

Another couple of crazy weeks gone by. Last Saturday I went on a double date with my roommate. It was the first time we had been invited out on a date together. We went rock climbing which was a lot of fun. Well, we like to say 3/4 of the date was fun. We liked the activity, we liked being with each other, and we liked one of our dates. The other was well... you meet all kinds of people here. :p And, no comment on whether it was her or my date.

Anyhow at one point during the date we had a little fire to roast marshmallows. My date served a mission in Italy so he knew Italian. I know Spanish so I thought I'd have some fun con la lenguaje. As he was building the fire I said in a somewhat sultry voice Que bella. To which he responded Mama Mia! Lake was like what the heck are you saying. So I repeated the conversation and she blurted out loudly "well then... Focaccia! Rigatoni!" I love her.

But my life has been full of white Utahns who know Italian. Especially one in particular... That's right! Emily has finally progressed to developing a crush on a boy! Who knows where this will lead. At least I know I'm not asexual. ;)

You want a job with that?

For all of my friends who have wondered how long I could annoy them by saying I'm getting a job and not getting one, the end is in sight. Actually you have already hit the brick wall because today was my first day of getting paid for a job you clock in at. And just what glorious position of work does Emily have? I am a CASHIER GIRL. :) I'm actually really excited. I will be getting paid. On a regular basis. Real money. It won't be 100 bucks for 80 hours a week (*ahem Millbrook* though I love it). I will be working at the Cougar Express. It's this checkout place that people can by a drink or a bag of chips at. And because I'm working there I will see everyone on campus. I'll be the hottie in the hairnet.

I've decided that as much as Utah is ragged on, it's a pretty cool place. There is so much to do, and the people are awesome. It's great to play a flirt again. And, I love my roommates. I'll miss having my sister out here with me. She seems to fit in so well with my ward. Okay so I have so much to do today and yet I'm blogging. I think I'm in denial that summer is drawing to an end. I have a lot of mixed feelings about that. Namely, I can't be lazy.

Oh, and because I love them so much here's another list of why I'm really happy with the way my job is working out right now.

1. The hours. My schedule is insane. I really want to be an acting major so I didn't want something that would absorb all my time. Just a little supplementary job. Six hours plus all the subbing I can choose from is plenty for me.
2. I can take all the classes I planned on taking.
3. I can still go to Devotional.
4. I can audit Norwegian. ;)
5. I will be paid a decent amount.
6. I won't be around food every day. Only the days I'm subbing so I won't smell like hamburgers. Not that there's anything wrong with hamburgers; I just don't think it'll will be Elizabeth Taylor's next perfume line.

Why procrastination sucks

So I have these friends who have successfully gotten away with procrastination for... well, a long time now; and, I don't know I thought maybe just maybe I would try it. I did this for a number of reasons. One becuase of what I was delaying. I fly out from PA to Mormonville tomorrow. No, today! (As it's 12:30 at night and my sister and I fly out of Baltimore at 6 pm.) And, packing always seems so final. Two maybe everything would magically arrange itself in my suitcase at the last minute and I wouldn't have to face the fact that I won't see some of the most amazing people in the world for another four and a half months. I think I'm beginning to see what I'm really blogging about. It's not procrastination. Even though I discovered that it definitely doesn't work for me. It's leaving all of this behind. Sappy, sappy, Emily. Good grief.

On some positive notes. I came back from the shore a darker shade of fair. This can only be determined by putting my arm next to my stomach. Yeah, the whole two-piece scandal fell through. I really have no guts. Another is the memories I have. My mom being "attacked" by a wave and jumping into my beach chair for protection. This attempt to save herself not only failed miserably but it resulted in her getting a huge bruise on her leg and the two of us toppled in a heap on the beach. We were covered in sand and let's say indecently readjusted in our swimwear. Of course it's much funnier to hear my mom tell the story. She is a character. I'll miss that. And, I'm really happy I can say that I'll miss that. Another great memory of the beach trip is watching my supposedly frugal brother (ha) waste all of his money on one of those vending machine claw things. He did get a dollar bill out of it. (After spending five.) And he was going to take the dollar back home and wave it in our faces to prove that the game could be beat, but then the kid that went next to him put in a quarter and on his first try got five bucks out of the machine. My brother never came back with the dollar. Or anything else for that matter. The dweeb. Boy I love him. :)

So I think I'm getting sentimental again and normally I could care less if I put anyone through the cheesy good stuff, but I'm feeling exceptionally raw tonight. Too much going on that I've had to leave unsaid for tonight. Too much to think about. And, too mono-annoyed of a body to stay awake any longer for all of this. You know I love ya.

A Very Merry July

To the beach my family is venturing. We survived the pre-vacation packing. Huzzah! Though the entire time I felt like Lucille 2 from Arrested Development. Vertigo/Mono-- it's one and the same. I figured out how I got mono. I did get it from a boy. Not from kissing, from sharing the same darn drink. So life lesson to be learned: boys really do have cooties.

I can't believe that I'll be back in Utah so soon. School's in a month. Gross. I have so much to do. Having mono has been an enlightening experience. I really don't know how to relax and when to slow down. I've also become really aware of my spleen.

Things I want to do while at the beach:

1. Lay in the wonderful, wonderful sun.
2. Tan in a two-piece. (A little scandalous, this I know.)
3. Read. Specifically Harry Potter, though I've been having mixed feelings about reading it. I love the book. But I am knowing I'll have to wait another two years for another and then the series will end.
4. Eat my fill of seafood. I can't afford it while in college. Bless those wonderful parents for allowing me to mooch so much of it now.

Send me a comment for more wonderful beach bum ideas.

The Kissing Disease

No. This is not Emily announcing her desire for men and their lips. (Even though that is never too far from her thoughts.) This is her announcement that she has mono. So before my dear friends stop inviting me places or coming to see me because they think I am infectious here are some things they should know.

1. Mono is contracted 30 days before the symptoms appear. Before a scapegoat is hung, none of you PA people gave it to me. You can relax.
2. There is nothing anyone can do to avoid getting mono. Oh sure you can stop kissing people. (For you lucky jerks who get all the action-- why quit when you're ahead? :) ) You can not share sodas. But mono can be picked up from just breathing. And, since 85% of the population are carrying the virus as we speak, it's pretty hard to guess who not to speak to. Unless anyone wants to live like Jake Gyllenhall in Bubble Boy it's best to get over the paranoia. If you haven't contracted mono already you will. Might as well hang around me so you can get it before school starts. (I'm kidding. I'm not infectious now.)
3. Compared to rheumatic fever, the black lung *cough* (Mmm. Derek Zoolander), lukemia, and emphezema, mono is relatively mild.
4. Symptoms can be misinterpreted as Strep or a spider bite (both I have experience with so it was an easy misdiagnosis).
5. I'm alive, doing fine, wishing I could run around, but seeing all the movies people have made me all my life for never seeing. I'm taking recommendations.

There it is to a T. What's funny is the only symptom I do not have is being continually tired. Luckyyyy. Actually not being tired is driving me crazy. I feel like I should be running around, playing with my cousins, the works. But no... I'm stuck in a couch. Couches I've determined are death. Well, they're boring. Sometimes my temperature spikes up. That always makes me tired. Yay for hot flashes and cold spells. Being sick with mono is like being on that acid trip I'll never take.

Well, I'm breaking the first Mono-Recovery Commandment:

THOU SHALT SLEEP

I need to get some zzzs. If anyone needs me I'll be self-medicating with Arrested Development on DVD, Anna Karenina (see former blog), and Harry Potter. Or I'll be redirecting the Emily Burnworth/Johnny Depp collaboration of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. But that's a whole other blog...