That time I met you

"Well he's real.

That's all I can think to utter initially. I've met someone that I am completely blown away by and really the only thing I can do is thank someone that he exists.

It's always interesting when you've fallen for someone. Because I think it's safe to say I've met some great guys. I've had the opportunity to play a small part in their lives. I'm not always proud of my role or anything. I'm not claiming to be a Isabella or a Juliet. I've more than likely been a Beatrice. And you know, that's that. I don't lament where I am today. Just that that is that. Really what all of this heartache comes down to is timing.

I'm trying to decide whether or not I believe that any man and woman can make it work. I don't think I do believe that. I mean I know that it is essentially true. Probably. But I don't like to believe that. And I don't have to make it work with any guy I meet. (Thank heavens.) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I could probably make it work with more guys than I think I could. But really it's this whole timing thing.

Timing changes what we like. What we think we need. Timing is what introduces us to certain people and blocks us from others. Sure there is choice in timing. We choose which store to shop in. Which seat to sit in on the underground. We choose whether to talk or remain silent. We decide whether or not to kiss the guy/girl back at the techno club. There is an element of choice in timing. But what makes timing stand alone is the fact that frequently we don't know what we're giving up when we influence timing with choice. I'm getting outside of my point. (Either that or totally twisted within it.) Back to where this leads me.

I don't think we can completely fathom timing. I got this feeling to come to Scotland. Everyone told me England and I just thought... no it's gotta be Scotland. And I had no idea why. But everything started working its way out in that direction. I got here. I started my life here. I was expecting something to happen because of how strongly I felt about coming here. I did not expect him.

I think there are plenty of reasons for why I'm in Scotland. I have this incredible new found confidence. It's so light and breezy. Like a silken nightshirt that I always have on. I feel so free of all of the trivial things that have bothered me. I also have discovered a people I love and that I understand. Oh my word, the people I've met! And the love I have for them. They have accepted me quickly, made me a part of their home. Healed me. Really truly. I have never felt so loved. And grad school. I mean, I wasn't even thinking about it and now... now I'm so excited. Really excited. And in the UK? Of course. It just all sort of fits and with my ORCA and with all of my desires and ideas about where I want my life to be. And Scotland gave me this desire to actually be married and have a family. I mean, it was working through me already but now. Now it's tangible. I don't feel rushed or anything. I just know that I actually want that. :)

So is that all I was supposed to learn. Yes. Sure. If that's all I would have gotten out of this trip I would take it gladly. It's so much. I'm tremendously grateful for all of those things. I think it might have been overgenerous to have the next part. It wouldn't have been essential. I didn't need to meet this person. But I did and it's definitely changed something in me.

Yes. He's 19. Yes. He's in the MTC. Yes. I only had a day over a month with him. Yes. I've never had the kind of respect for someone like I've had the respect for him. Yes. I realise the absurdity. But yet...

I'm undeterred. I'm not set on anything coming out of this. I just know that there is at least one person in the world that makes complete and utter sense. And it's not that the people I've known or dated in the past have not. The timing was right with this one. It was the right time for me to meet someone like him. I was ready and wasn't expecting it or thinking that I needed it. I just met someone that I know will change my life.

So maybe this two years thing will work and then again maybe it won't. In some ways I think the two years thing might be even better timewise. Because I only had a short time here. And if he were a returned missionary well then where would we be? An ocean and two years away. But my undergrad will finish up right when his mission does... so? I know. Crazy, right? I realise just how crazy that sounds. I do. But every time I think about it... pray about it even... there's peace. Just peace. Whatever is on the horizon (inclusive of him or no) I know he's playing a positive role. Could just be a cameo. Could be more. Could be that he's taming a shrew. :) Could be that he's just meant to show me how many leading men the world is filled with. I don't know. I'm not worried. I'm just not worried about it. And if that's all I'm supposed to learn. To not worry. Well, that in and of itself is one of the greatest gifts I've ever received."

So thanks. Unfortunately you can't read this. But if you could, well, thanks. I'll be writing. :)

Happenstance

So quickly that I wonder
if I missed my step in time
when you were more than longing

"I think it's time..."

"...we give it up."

I'm ready. Please God give me the strength.

New Poem in Progress

Sometimes a shadow catches
on the corners of my sleep
and snagging on the slumber
into my dreams it creeps

At first a whispery wraith
it slips and sneaks and sighs
until at last a poltergeist
it awakes me with its cries

So sudden does it translate
that I can scarely blink
Draping its robes of mystery
into its thoughts I sink

I find in all the shroudeness
a face I know too well
Surprised that misty memory
brings back a former swell

On this midsummer night...

Reason ruins and romance winds
a bit of tragedy into my mind
And I, for love, have since betrayed
emotions that soon would be stayed

You

If I could have kissed you does that mean
I should have?
I don't know that I'm ready
to be responsible
for feeling wanted and wanting more.
Being in the quandary of your indecision
just urges me
to make my way out.

So if we...
if we...
would I feel better or lousy
about myself?

I'm not sure that I expected
not to be paid my dues.
Prejudging our situation
and craving your touch.
Is it fair that you've made
me your friend?
When we're both needing something
more?

You care too much
to use my lips
and I care too much
to let you
You see too little
in me to find
the start of a
relationship

A Song About Myself

I think if I were a song...

I would be a power ballad.

New Poems

A part of me feels tied to soil and sky
A spirit whose roots curl into the deep earth
Reaching branches out in an attempt to fly
Feeling beyond limitations of mortal birth

So silent in my *beleaguered sighs
I’ve only waged a private war.
A mutiny of my body and mind
A treaty of peaceful scorns.

Helping myself to seconds of grace and green
I attempt to straighten my gnarly trunk
The brooding crux of mortality offers the secure lean
For grace requires belief in more than luck.

I don’t know that I feel more than life
I don’t like people telling me that’s not enough
My earthliness reverberates a place inside
That’s eternal in spite of its carnal self.

Besides what do I need with more than roots?
What do I need with more than sky?
What do I need if I am the so called truth?
A body that understands the edges of day and night.


Lyrics to something maybe when I finally learn to play the guitar

I dreamt about you tonight
A dream I didn’t know I had the guts for
A selfish feeling I’ve buried away before
That finally got a breath of life

I cried because I wanted you
And I’m not allowed to make the request
And even though you want me too
She’s reason enough for you to protest

I’m sorry I linger in my dream
It was bitter and sweet the way romance should be
But burns into me a painful false memory
Recreated in this sentimental scene

I cried because I wanted you
And I’m not allowed to have a say
And even though you want me too
She’s reason enough for you to stay

I’ve immortalized this feeling
I’ve written it out and played some chords
And I know I can’t hope for anything more
And still you see me asking

To hold you in a timeless place that’s
Intimate and unrefined
I can’t resist the lust of revealing ourselves
One motion at a time

I cried because I wanted you
And I believed in it more than ever before
And even though you want me too
If she’s your reason well, then… (sure)

To the best... No inferences necessary. Really.

Actual poetry work in progress...

Sign posts don't let you know
how much you've let yourself go
Swinging into a new lusty deep
emerging from a cocoon of sleep.

Dreams are meant to be the thing
that keeps you glued in focused reality
But they only make me itchy for
glass baubles held beyond my reach

I'm sorry I didn't make things clear
It's a weakness I don't like to admit


A Work in Progress

I let myself slide into an unfamiliar need.
A poor reconstruction of the former less broken me.
Verbal warnings were impossible to speak
of damaged emotions so out of my reach

I'm sorry I didn't make things clear
It's a weakness I don't like to admit
I didn't even understand the fear
That made me crawl into this.

Soft attention was a gentle silencing word
against the background of pain I'd heard
I don't resent the gift you'd offered
But I don't know how I should have responded

It's from that I keep pulling and pulling
becoming so much more of what I used to be
Unrecognizable to the version you know
headed down a road I've taken before

I'm sorry I didn't know myself
and all of the things I'd eventually need/want
It's just that I couldn't even tell
who I was and how I'd be/?

Sign posts never let me know
How far I'd have to let myself go
Swinging into a new lusty deep
emerging from a cocoon of sleep

I'm sorry I didn't make things clear
It's a weakness I don't like to admit
I've left this behind while moving near
A future absent of painful relationships

A New Song I'm Crazy About

Tonight by Kate Walsh

You don't know about me
And you don't care what affair still haunts me
And you don't know what it is about me
And I don't care, I don't care if you love me

Tonight we'll be whoever we like
Tonight we'll leave our troubles behind
Tonight in each other we'll hide
Tonight will be alright...

And I don't know about you
And I don't care about the girl behind you
And I don't know what it is about you
It makes me want to run and jump inside you

Tonight in each other we'll hide
Tonight we'll leave our troubles behind
Tonight we'll be whoever we like
Tonight, tonight will be alright...

You don't understand why my heart feels bad
From the love you hold out in your hand
And you offer it without command
I just don't know why I can't get you inside,
Why I need you tonight...

Cause you don't know about me,
And you don't care how this affair will break me.
And why should I care about you, when you don't care,
You don't care that i love you?

Wanting...

To be free. Of many many things.

Life Plan*

* Can change in a day or even a half hour... as was witnessed by the rash and wonderful decision to go home for the spring.

Finish up Spring Semester at home earning as much money as I can
Summer in Scotland!
Compile presentation on dialects
Fall semester perform in Little Women and A Tale of Two Cities
Fall semester present dialects and Scotland forum
Winter semester, hopefully perform in Cake or Berlin
Spring/Summer 08 hopefully perform in Tuacahn Thoroughly Modern Millie and Les Miserables
Fall semester senior project
Winter semester show
New York Showcase results determine summer 09 work
Work Summer and Fall 09
Move to Burbank January 2010

I am AMAZING!

I finished my grades!!!!!

After 12+ hours packing to go home, so many more getting my life together before leaving to come home, 38 hours on the road, and 11 hours of grading (8 of which were done today), I can finally do whatever the hellaballue I want. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

And that will probably be nursing my knotted up back, fingers, wrists, and legs.

Things I've Accomplished

*Managed to adjust to the fact that my roommates are getting married in August
*Accepted that marriage is an okay thing (at least for them ;) )
*Got cast as a lead in a BYU musical during a Fall/Winter semester
*Obtained my ORCA check
*Spent $788 on a roundtrip flight to London
*Completely changed my life plans for the spring in a 30 minute discussion with my brother over lunch
*Packed for a straight 12 hours
*Managed to sell my spring/summer contract (that has been taking me over two months to sell) in four days when I started going at it fiercely
*Kept a secret about myself from my parents -which is nearly impossible-
*Full on suprised my family by randomly coming home with my brother instead of staying in Utah Spring Term
*Made my mum jump up and down like a little kid
*Became better friends with my brother after spending 38 straight hours with him
*Convinced someone I was having an affair (even though that was not really my intent when my brother and I checked into our hotel... creepy)
*Listened to almost every song in my IPod at least once during the 38 straight hours
*Discovered that Nebraska gas stations' bathrooms are probably the cleanest in the nation
*Realized I like lists -thanks to the person who inspired it-
*Got a 72% on Guitar Hero playing it on the hard level solo style
*Understand that I have been going full force at school for way too long. That I need to lighten up a bit.
*Talked to my cousin for three hours about the pros and pitfalls of relationships. Well, she mainly talked and I listened. I missed her sooo much.
*Began to realize how much my family loves and misses me when I'm gone
*Remembered how much I like pickled eggs
*Helped my papa pick out the perfect suit, white shirt, and tie (Pinstripe black suit and a red metallic-like power tie)
*Spent a half an hour trying male scents until I finally found one that I think matched my father's personality and was pleasant to my mum
*Realized that I would be good in sales
*Realized that maybe I should get on that
*Developed confidence that I am going to succeed
*Have discovered I'm at peace with where I am in my life
*Played with my dog. She's a Boston Terrier and will be celebrating her 17th birthday this year.
*Decided I want a puppy for my dog to play with.
*Came up with an awesome movie idea with my brother for a new Owen Wilson / Ben Stiller combo
*Realized I have been away from home long enough for the geographiic and environmental surroundings to seem weird
*Also realized I will get spring twice this year. :)

To My Unwanted Enemy...

Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming. And in my dream's dream I met you and not on angry terms. We both apologized and reconciled so many differences we've allowed to creep in. And smiled. I hadn't seen you smile, I mean really smile, in such a long time. We may have even hugged. I woke up from my dream's dream and felt such sorrow as I continued to exist in my subconscious. Because we had not made up. We were not friends. We weren't even people who could see each other without feeling bitterness. And then you walked past me. And somehow I had the courage to say, "I dreamt about you last night." And you didn't keep on walking. You stopped and simply said with a slight smile, "Oh?" And I told you about how what we talked about, how we had both apologized, and realized how much time we wasted violently pushing and pulling the other down and away. After I explained my dream you didn't walk away and I asked, "Do you think that could happen for real?" And you said, "Yeah." And that was it. Everything was repaired. You didn't fall in love with me. I didn't need you to. But a silence could finally descend. And you could go without leaving me damaged.

And then I woke up. From my dream. And I realized that nothing had changed. You still hate me. But somehow a part of me has let that go. Somewhere a dream's dream's and a dream's version of you and I can breathe the same air and smile at each other. And that is enough for now and possibly forever.

When you will you will

Abercrombie Fierce

You shun me from your screwed up life.
I don't even get the choice
to ignore you. You've already
taken that from me.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

If I erase your memories I'm left
with black holes of sorrow. But this
longing for reconciliation
has left the same emptiness.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

Am I looking for an emotional high?
Do I shoot you into me
and linger in the recreation
of our lives?

I can't think of you
without getting emotional.
What kind of control
is that?

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

So many things to remember
about the way you held me up
softness that burns in the
hatred used to keep me down.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

Waiting

For now I am content sitting
waiting for the mystery's revelation
watching the wind sweep up the leaves
and blow them into my arms

I should've thought about you
before you left without sensation
saying goodbye through state lines
crossing paths while passing cars

Confi-dents

I am learning patience.

No matter how many times I am hurt by people... I cannot let it change my positivity.

But I cannot let my unwillingness to be pulled down by pessimism be a source of unrighteous pride. I cannot let the pride or judgment of others lead me to feel justified in myself and my own life standing to where I feel better than others.

I can only be satisfied and happy with myself on my own terms and my own concept of God.

Care package asap...

My brother just got called to serve in the California Riverside mission!!!!

He leaves June 13th. :/ :)

At Least I Know It

Today I received the following phrase over three times from multiple roommates. I think there is a lesson to be learned in...

"At least you know it."

The first time this was said today

Me: "So many of my friends are getting married. It's really weird."
Alli: "Emily, stop saying that's weird or it will scare you to death if you ever get there."
Me: "Alli, I think I'm just realizing that I'm kind of afraid of marriage."
Alli" "Well, At least you know it."

The second instance

Me: "I'm just really not looking forward to this date tonight. I just don't think our personalities click or compliment. I feel bad for feeling this way and don't want to express it on the date or lie either."
Alli: "At least you know it."

And the third

Me: "Man, I fall in like with boys really quickly."
Hillary: "Well, at least you know it."


Why do I always "know it" and don't when it comes to relationships?

Little Women

Jo... here I come!

My ex is .... like the variable. Who wants to be the new solution to my algebraic wonders of love? (Cheesy, but it's late.)
Maybe I should ... put money toward owning a house that I can build huge walls around my pool so I can skinny dip every day.
I love ... owls and things that are the colour green.
I don't understand ... why I haven't gone to bed yet.
I lost my ... patience for a certain show I'm "in" or a slave to.
People would say that I'm ... perhaps not as nice as I was before. But then people would also say that I've come into my own a bit more too.
Sex is ... like one of my favourite poems "To His Coy Mistress"
Love is ... caring enough about a person you don't make them sleep in another bed when they're sick.
Somewhere, someone is ... praying for help
I will always ... love musky, dewy woodsy smells.
Forever is ... something that I used to be and sometimes still am terrified of
I think the current President is ... reaffirming antidisestablishmentarianism. And, like me, doesn't know how to spell it
I woke up this morning ... and went back to bed two hours later before really getting up for the day
Life is full of ... pillowcases
My past ... is now another land
I get annoyed when ... I can't sing properly
I wish ... I had a better audition prepared
My dog ... at home... :(
Tomorrow I'm going to ... be busy ALL day
I have no tolerance for people who ... are labeled and accepted as a prick by everybody and so they can get away with dehumanizing people without anyone objecting
If I had a million dollars I would ... go buy a house and put that wall up
Sometimes I want to ... sleep under the stars
Home is ... in Scotland
We are ... just people who need each other
This weekend ... will be EASTER with my siblings
I understand ... that I'm smarter than I thought
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Poetic License

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trivializing myself by writing out my feelings "poetically."

And sometimes I wonder how many individuals I've trivialized as the subjects of my feelings and thoughts.

There is some poetic nerve it within me right now. That is forever critical, even of itself.

Unfeeling Freedom

If I make it this far
without needing your help
am I standing alone
or am I selfish as hell?

If you want me to stay
and I feel its unjust
am I breaking a heart
that just need to be touched?

And if I do the things that I do
Out of the mere protection of you
will you be able to see through
it all.

If I stumble and wake
and my vision's unclear
I can stand on my own
without someone there.

And if I do the things that I do
Out of the mere protection of you
will you be able to see through
it all.

Just some lines

The Alienation of Myself

Today I walked away from myself
wanting to feel lost
in a way that was sensational
rather than a numbing actuality

So at peace in my complacency
it silently frightens
and feeds my need to leave
a home I've never felt was mine.

I wonder if I've begun to unearth
a past written only
in the corners of a memory told
by family come and gone.

Filling up an artificial longing
created by circumstance
and the lack of regret, I will
discover I knew more than I feel.




Lyrics

David Hopkins- Amazing song he sang on Friday night. It reminds me of my grandparents. And in fact I think about you Nana and Pop Pop.

"Today I woke to a silence. It hit me like a rock. I've letters and books that you've left. I don't read things anymore."

"I once was someone's something. And still I would complain. Now I am no one's anything. I live by swallowing my pain. You know I live by swallowing my pain."

"I sing to remember. And I drink to forget. People's words don't mean anything. Your words will never leave my head. You know your words, they'll never leave my head."

"All that I have done. All that I have said. I wanna take it all back. Tell you that you're beautiful instead."

"I get visions of you. Impossible to shape. And I hope when I die it's you that I see when I wake. I hope it's you. I hope it's you. I hope it's you that I see when I wake."

David Hopkins again- Reminds me of a lot of things. I love you, Rob. I'm glad we're talking. This is for you. For getting over the hard parts. And a bit for me.

"One of these days when you're going through a phase while skies are stalking you. Love is not a honeymoon. But nothing I can say will change your mind. One of these days when I've fallen out of place to someone else with bigger hands taking calls and making plans. I've seen in written in a stone. Did I lie? Did I say everybody's gonna win today? Don't be so nice you pay the price. Tell me something you don't believe. I can see that you've been sold with a ribbon wrapped around you. I can read you like a poem. I know what you know but I don't wanna know."

"One of these days when you're running out of ways of saying poor old lonely you. Maybe I'll be lonely too. I'll walk you all the long way home. Did I lie? Did I say everybody's gonna win today? Don't be so nice you pay the price. Tell me something you don't believe. I can see that you've been sold with a ribbon wrapped around you. I can read you like a poem. And I know what you know, but I don't wanna know."

"You have your reasons. I have mine. You have your reasons. I'm on my side. Yeah, I'm on my side. I'm on my side."



You'll get through this, my love. We've gotten through so much together. I'm on your side.

Batting Average

How many strikes and you're out?

Dean

Dean Duncan liked my voice over work!

Pride in ?

Being in a field that only accepts 6-8 people a year has had several effects on me.

1. It has made me work desperately to prove that I am worthy of being in the major.
2. It has given me a certain amount of confidence in my ability to pursue this career.
3. It has provided me with opportunities to grow and work with some amazing professors who have not only developed my acting skills but have aided me in overcoming a lot of inner struggles.
4. It has -by nature of a non-open major- made me look at myself in comparison to others. This I don't like because I've noticed elements of pridefulness.

I'm growing and stretching. And more importantly at least I'm noticing. Life is so fascinating. I only have so much time and its interesting to see how I'm spending it and what I'm thinking about.

Yep that's me.

I'm such an emotional creature.

Blessings

I just started crying because I witnessed one of the most beautiful things I think I will ever witness in my life. I am watching Hamlet during its final dress and someone got injured. And suddenly all of the men in the cast circled around and offered a blessing of healing. And I thought, that's what the Gospel is for. And, if we could only have that spirit all the time reminding us of family and that life continues beyond this one, how different life would be. How much kinder, connected, and patient we would be.

I love the Gospel. I really do. What comfort it gives me, what knowledge and hope for my own life. What love it gives me for others.

Today's Emily

With every great thing comes a ton of little mini-crisis (and a few large ones thrown in the mix too).

With every confidence gained comes a ton of little nagging insecurities.

With every new level of inner-strength I have the more I like the person I'm becoming.

The Most Wonderful Thing About Sharing

Maybe I've been running from the things that would make me the most happy. Sharing the Gospel, even if it's just coming to a mutual understanding of the variances in beliefs, can only rechallenge and resolidify my understanding of the world. I thought that this week was meant to help someone else. As it turns out it stands to help me as well.

Wrapped

It's four in the morning. I'm finally done with the film shoot. The rest of the crew is still on set. A part of me misses the drama of it all.

Lame Excuse?

I'm sitting in my apartment, locked in. And had every intention of going to my 8:00 class today. I feel ridiculous.

Bushed

Fours hours of skiing has wiped me out.

The sunburn probably doesn't help either.

Clarifications

To the following blog...

I'm not saying that sex is the only reason why people get married sooner in Utah. Or at least I don't view it as negative sex. People know that they're supposed to be together and want to be intimate on all levels.

I also think the school schedule factors into things.

Just don't take that argument and run with it. That's not the main point in my blog.

Realizations come in heart pains

Lately, I've been reminded of choices I've made in personal life. Some of those have been appropriate and important, others have been rash and selfish. Overall, I feel that I've made the decisions that I was supposed to make. It amazes me how difficult it can be to do the right thing for yourself. For instance, it took me a long time to get out of a destructive relationship. And when I finally cut all ties I felt immediate relief. But loneliness is always a sneaky thing that brings back old vices. I haven't acted on them, or at least a significant amount of time has gone by since I last have. But, they still cause pain from time to time. It's frustrating.

The recent experiences haven't made me want to take back the decisions that I've made they have only called attention to the present state I live in. And, I'm sure if it were supposed to be different it would be, and I would work harder to change it. I should know that spring always makes me feel this way. People are getting engaged or in relationships right and left. I know that I'm not headed down that path right now. I don't feel like I should be. Sometimes, though, I wonder how much of that is my trepidation or strong feelings from another source. I know that there have been specific times that I knew I wasn't supposed to pursue things. And, I've stepped back or have pulled myself out of the muck.

I'm twenty-one. There isn't any hurry. It's weird coming from the East coast where plenty of people date for significant periods of time without any real talk of marriage. I don't think that's the best option, but I don't really believe in the four month courtship practice so common here. It's a bit hard coming from one culture where people will date for five years and another where people will be married in five months. I don't think I've figured out how I fit in all of that. There is a very obvious reason why people prolong marriage or hurry it up. And that answer is sex. I don't want marriage to be all about that, or because it is a commandment, or because I feel like i have to or because I'm going to be leaving BYU, all of those things are so unimportant.

Basically, I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't want to rush anything with anyone because I don't like feeling lonely. And it's not like it's a big thing or anything. It's just that sometimes you want to be with someone, share your day, share the amazing weather, share a secret. All of those things. I'm sure I'll figure out where I am in all of this. I have two more years of school and I'm going home and to Scotland this summer. So I'm cutting all ties with my Provo life. And I'm reintroducing myself to an old but different environment.

So here's to finding someone fun who's on the same page as me. :)

Unfinished Self

Tonight I'm prolonging sleep in the hopes that it's druglike effects will produce a wonder of poetics. But it leaves me empty. So unformulated... and yet I close my eyes and everything is...

So quiet.

I hear a slippery whisper of truth
I have yet to believe
Something of faith that catches


Love mends my heart and yet
how can I believe in it?
Why must love equal pain and loss?
Fear and loneliness?
Why must I doubt my capacity
and forever seek to give it?

Sondheim and Seurat

So many possibilies.

What I'm Listening to Right Now

Sunday in the Park with George


"Seems we never know do we who we're going to find. And Louis the Baker is not what I had in mind."

"The bread George. I mean the bread George. And then in bed George. I mean he kneads me. I mean like dough, George."

"We lose things and then we choose things. And there are Louis's and there are George's... well, Louis's and George."

"But George has George. And I need someone... Louis."

"Louis's art is not hard to follow. Louis's art is not hard to swallow."

"Everybody gets along with him. That's the trouble nothing's wrong with him."

Notes for my scene

Dot needs the emotional connection.

Dot loves George because he's not perfect. And she knows that she's not perfect. So she feels comfortable. But at the same time George and her never communicate their imperfections. And she feels judged by him because he is so introspective. She's not sure that he loves all of her imperfections or if she is just another model. Does he have another model too? One a little more beautiful. A little nicer. One who is better in bed? Louis is appealing because he is not challenging and he just simply dotes on her. She doesn't have to work for it. Also she isn't as well-liked as him. Everyone thinks Louis is great, "How did Dot get him?" And, she knows that she could "get him" but it probably hurts her because no one thinks that highly of her. At the same time Louis is comfortable. And emotional. And a giver and taker in bed. She probably understands him and his rhythm. George was probably a mystery that she was desperately attracted to. And when she throws the whole "and then in bed George I mean he kneads (needs) me" at him -even if he doesn't hear it- she's saying you don't need me. You don't know how to give to me.

And yet... it's him that she's longing for. She doesn't want Louis to be like George because she knows no one is like George. Louis could never be George. George is who she loves. She wants George to be a little more like Louis because then she would have all the reason in the world to run to him. And I think she desperately wants him to feel something about her leaving him. But he doesn't. At least not visibly. And so she doesn't think it's possible for George to be a little more like Louis. And if it was, could she make him compromise his art? Dot knows that George's art is his life and that George's life is art. Could she be selfish enough to ask him to make room for her? Would she only ruin the beautiful canvas that she knows?



"I can not divide my feelings up as neatly as you do." But he DOES. All the time, in visual images... colour and light.

Dot says harmony at the end. Why?

Sleep is so close to me now

Saying goodbye to one world
I enter a new realm of conscious.
A world I lucidly control
when time and body permit.

Somehow

Somehow today was better. A little more and a little less introspective. And, again no free time, not even for lunch.

Why is it so hard to make it through all of this?

Free Write (Inspired by Artaud)

Collapsing membranes and sidewalk chalk to soothe a ribbed part of myself. I never can tell where my mind is unfocused. It's breathing toxic silence and icy commands. Will I know a full nights rest instead of restless sleep? Smother my instincts and kill my flame or burn a smile in ashy milk. Who gives a damn about damn it. Who gives a damn about railways and camera phones? I don't know what this couch should feel like... a little more sensual or unexhibited. So naked I feel like I'm drowning. Purple shadow on my lids and making me crave sleep and sexy jeans. Maybe we should never touch or maybe I don't feel these things for you or anyone. Maybe I'm still frozen in black lingerie that I've never bought. Or maybe I don't want to write these things and remind myself that I have a conscious presence that I can't find most days. So bleak in the sunny weather. Maybe I should move to the mountains and caress the trees there. They would love to be unearthed. And I would love to send my roots into the rugged soil. So shunning the night and the twenty four hours that are really twenty four minutes that are really twenty four seconds that are really... I can't tell. If I button up my suit will I know? If I stand outside in shorts and a slippered top will you think I need to be tenderized? I don't. Need to be tenderized. I don't need to find life. I don't need to find another junction of myself to feel inadequate at.

A friend's free write

"And rock music is all i can breathe."

Float

Today I did an acting scene and acted in a way I've never acted before.
I started crying in character, but I wasn't sure that it was just my character crying. It was weird, and I don't know what to think about it.

...

I don't want to be a statistic.

A work in progress

we'll always meet on seas a'storm
with tormented winds of insecurity
I'll always wish for a strong hand
to take the helm or raise the sail.

I'll listen to the sound of water
rushing in my bleeding ears
forever telling me that you and I
are separate shades of polarity.

From time to time I may want you
somehow everyone does.
And, from time to time weakness
causes me to reveal what I suppress.

But must you smirk knowingly
as you rescue me from the waters?
Must your salty fingers shake
my bones and graze my sores?

we'll always meet on seas at storm

Why when I ask you a question to help guide my decision, do you make every answer about you or about my inadequacies?

I am a beautiful person.
I am talented.

Just because I need you for a moment does not invalidate any of those things about myself. Nor, does it give you permission to abuse me.

Sometimes when I'm thoughtful

Tonight I discovered that I've grown a lot from struggling.
And I wish that I didn't have to learn my lessons that way.

Summer Light

I was thinking about summer. I can't wait.

I was thinking about my life. And how I never wait.

I was thinking maybe I'll make my life a little more about waiting. And then I thought. Oh that's summer. I remember that.

Today is like watching coals burn

Today I feel a little odd. I think I'm tired. And overwhelmed with responsibility. I'm waiting for my bloodwork to come back. And I antsy to feel again. You know what I mean. I think there are a lot of people I've cut off in my life that I regret cutting off. Or have not even thought I have, when in fact I've isolated myself. So much of it is lacking energy, for so many things. And wanting to know when I'm ever going to feel completely me again. I don't know.

Another spot of ramblings, another list of tired thoughts. Another time when I need to be grading papers or doing my homework, another time when I need to find it in me to do so.

Vain authorship

notes of feeling
felt in my late teens
rediscovered while cleaning and
dusting out parts of me



Sometimes I write in small spaces...

This may seem like a
totally moronic question but
have you ever lied to me?

You know you once told me
that you were becoming a
good liar.
Was I really so naive to
think that that would
never include me?

I feel like an idiot. You knew
you were never going to call
me or write me. Why did I
think you would? Because
I considered you my
friend.

*****, you told me that you
had not changed and
that you had been gay
your entire life. Then,
why should you change
and treat our friendship
differently.

Maybe you misinterpreted
what I meant by love
I loved you as a friend.

I only wanted us to be
friends, nothing more.
Why is it impossible now?

***

I was a liar then, too.

***

Life goes on with or without
the people you love
until at some point you
don't love them anymore.

Sagittarius a flambe

Ambition can be a wonderful thing. I've achieved so much because of it. However, you can burn yourself in your own fire. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't blowtorched myself. :)

An apology

For all of those individuals who know me and who perhaps I haven't been my usual self around, I'm sorry.

It's been a taxing winter. Being sick doesn't contribute positively at all. But know that you're important people in my life. That I'm not trying to blame everything on being ill. That I'm sorry if I've just been too busy. I'm trying to figure out the balancing scales. And trying not to stress when I discover that they rarely are balanced.

Cleaning checks this weekend. Papers to write and grade. Another weekend to myself. Another weekend I wish that wasn't. But another one I'll work optimistically through.

Under where?

Tonight I discovered a very important thing...

Belts are not just accessories. It was a hard won lesson, but a lesson learned nonetheless.

A Week of Love

I'm in love with my friends.
I'm in love with acting.
I'm in love with Aaron Eckhart.

I'm pretty much in love.

Post #100

I thought in honor of my 100th post I'd make a list of the things that make me happy... Here goes.

1. Dewy mornings when you're camping and you wake up a little chilly so you have to restir the coals of the fire and then you realize you smell like campfire from the night before.
2. Fireflies
3. 8th Continent Light Vanilla and Chocolate Soy Milk
4. Stick shift
5. Learning to drive stick shift in one day
6. Phonetic details. Like approximated k's and syllabized dark l's.
7. My roommates.
8. That my brother is alive and well.
9. Modern medicine.
10. Sunrises
11. Strarry nights
12. Having an empty dishwasher
13. Boys that walk me home from school
14. Boys that let me cling to their arms and burrow into their shoulders at mystical scary movies.
15. Being a hippy
16. Being an Environmentalist.
17. Being influenced to become an Environmentalist due to cartoons like Captain Planet and Ferngully
18. Being moved by film
19. Dialects
20. David Morgan
21. Acting
22. Brushing my teeth
23. Veggie platters
24. Challenge 24. I loved that game and won a tournament in 4th grade
25. My yellow power ranger costume
26. Faerie tales
27. Spelling faerie that way
28. Scotland
29. Being somewhere for three months without any cell phone
30. The play The Crucible
31. Our giant Peter Dean poster in our apartment
32. Having French ancestry
33. Coldplay's song Green Eyes
34. Having green eyes
35. Singing Broadway songs
36. Comfortable shoes
37. Having makeupless days
38. New couches that are extremely comfortable and easy to fall asleep on and leave weird prints on your face when you do.
39. Apartment quote boards
40. Fleece
41. Woolrich clothing
42. James Dean
43. Calendars
44. Helping people with their graduation plans because I'm obsessed with organisation.
45. Accoustic guitar players
46. Apples to Apples
47. The idea that I might one day win an Apples to Apples card
48. Long drives to Farrensville
49. Changing leaves
50. Playing at a playground after midnight and watching the lightning strike Mount Timpanogas
51. Cuddling during hail storms
52. Learning to let go
53. Sometimes saying a good swear
54. Amos Lee
55. Making random lists like this one
56. Friends that love me unconditionally
57. Bikinis
58. Fancy straws to use to drink fancy drinks
59. Furlined hoods on jackets
60. The fact that I cleaned for pagans
61. Curly hair
62. Boys that know how to wear jeans
63. People who inspire me to work harder
64. Lotion
65. Dangly earrings
66. Summer dinners
67. Grass
68. Homemade cookies
69. Making out :p I've got to be honest
70. Watching tropical fish swim
71. Traveling
72. Making friends with people on long air flights
73. Hiking
74. Going fishing with people and reading or just sitting near them
75. Parker Dam State Park
76. Christmas everything
77. Boston Terriers
78. My mom's French Toast
79. My guitar
80. Homemade pizza
81. Learning about other people's belief systems
82. Smiling wider than is pretty
83. Being barefoot
84. Reading novels
85. My collection of 50 cent pieces my Grandfather gave me
86. Being a Democrat (especially because it reminds me of my Grandfather
87. John Denver
88. Oversized towels
89. Clothing/sheets that come right from the dryer
90. The amazing threesome: Clean sheets, fresh made bed, showered, and newly shaved legs
91. Little girls dancing
92. The Redwoods
93. Hawk Hill
94. Crying when necessary
95. William Shakespeare
96. Seeing Ian McClellen in King Lear at the Globe this summer
97. The back porch of my home home
98. Ice cold water after exercising
99. New people
100. The smell of freshly baked bread

It's a Beautiful Day in Pennsylvania

A knowing voicemail from my mother.

Hi Miss Emily! How are you doing today? I'm going out for a hike. It's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania. And I just thought I'd call and tell you how much I love you... a bushel and a peck. See you later. Love you alligator. Bye.

We sang A Bushel and Peck in class. She didn't even know we were doing Guys and Dolls. :)

Patience is not my virtue

I think I'm supposed to learn a lesson. I'm not quite sure what that is yet.

We can't all have freckles...

It has been recalled to my attention that I am a very freckly girl. I have freckles on my arms, my chest, my back, my ears, and my face. How fortunate! When I was a kid my father told me this story about how my Aunt Elaine used to be covered in freckles. She was so freckly that soon they became so dense that all of freckles turned into a giant coat of freckles and he skin became an entirely new colour. I thought this was the coolest thing and secretly wished that I would become so freckly that my freckles would turn into a blob that covered my entire skin. Such was not the case for me. I was left splattered in the summertime with pigments of colour, but nothing lasting. Only later, when I was about fourteen, did I notice that my Aunt Elaine had freckles. Tons of them. Either she turned coats once and was going to turn again, or she had never turned at all. Now my dad is a pretty good story-teller. He has yet to deny the existence of Santa Claus. It's pretty remarkable. I decided not to call his bluff. And accepted once more that I was bound to be another freckly kid.

Mr. Dungbeetle

I think I have a new favorite movie.

Thank you for giving me permission to feel but not trying to manipulate the shape of those emotions.

"Life is worth the scary parts."

SEE THIS FILM!

Short Term Change

My ex is .... is my friend
Maybe I should ... learn that people view me with kinder eyes than I view myself
I love ... movies that make you sob and Daniel Day Lewis (ie the Crucible)
I don't understand ... a good deal of me right now
I lost my ... nerve
People would say that I'm ... more put together than I actually am
Sex is ... my body's longing for immortality
Love is ... not something to be taken lightly but is always something to be shared
Somewhere, someone is ... one of the most amazing persons I know
I will always ... love trees
Forever is ... not having to finish this thought
I think the current President is ... increasing the level of disbelief and apathy among the newest generation of voters
I woke up this morning ... dreaming I was singing alto in Peter Pan the opera
Life is full of ... dandelion seeds
My past ... is my joyful companion of experience
I get annoyed when ... double back on self doubt
I wish ... happiness for loved ones and an increased desire to give
My dog ... is missing me
Tomorrow I'm going to ... watch Oklahoma yet again
I have no tolerance for people who ... don't try to understand others
If I had a million dollars I would ... build a house for someone on extreme home makeover
Sometimes I want to ... live in the woods
Home is ... my family, wherever they may be
We are ... alone. If just for a moment
This weekend ... was a dream
I understand ... I need creative outlets
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Unweaving a web of words

Why do we prolong talking when a single conversation can lift us up out of the labrynth we've created for ourselves?

It's a lesson I should know by heart by now. And even though I know in mind it's always better to talk things out, I'm always suprised by how good it feels to meet someone in the middle of difficulty. So thanks.

Not you nor none of yer kin folk neither

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh-klahoma!

Jist makes me wunt to be onstage er ride a horse er sumpin'

...

I feel so...

I have something to say to you, River

River, my thoughts slide down you.
Breaking against your shoreline.
Slipping around your edges.
Pooling in moments of stillness.
River, I'd like to know you.
I'd like to understand when I
can't feel my heart if it's somewhere
caught in a system of rapids.
I feel like I'm handled by you.
I'm subservient to your every ripple.
Bending with the waves caused by
the elements or the tide of others.
River, I'm lost in you.
I'm turning in over myself.
Drowning in your merciful bliss.
Drenched by your constant attention.
River, I am your vessel.
Use me as you will.
But guide my mind to somewhere
where the seas are gentle and wide.

To pursue or not to pursue

Early this morning (or late late last night depending upon your frame of reference) my sister and I took love personality tests. It turns out we are each other's most compatible lover type. I just thought the world should know. :)

Christmas 2006

Christmas is that time of year where parents can take pictures of you unshowered and bed-distressed without you really caring.

Christmas is that time of year where you are more than okay looking like a transvestite because you have on half the makeup someone bought you and are wearing new platform wedge shoes with your capri pijama bottoms, tank top, and an old sweater.

Christmas is the only time of year where you don't really feel guilty for eating two chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.

Christmas is the only time of year your family finds as a reason to cover up grouchy behavior with the excuse "Let me enjoy Christmas my way, and you your way."

Christmas is not New Years. Families can't make resolutions to be at the family Christmas party on time.

Christmas is the time of year for unexpected surprises, like your spacey teenage brother getting everyone a gift with a sentimental background.

Christmas is also the only time of year when you don't fault your brother for printing out pictures of that sentimental gift and saying that he'll buy it for you tomorrow.

Christmas does not mean your family will ever break out of its redneck tendencies... cue the plastic Walmart bag stockings.

Christmas was never meant to be filled with text receiving and sending, but it sure is nice when all of your friends wish you a Merry Christmas.

Christmas is John Denver's Aspen Glow, Brittney ripping up wrapping paper, staying in your pijamas until five in the afternoon, and being able to make hugs last longer than ten seconds without anyone feeling awkward.

Christmas is the season for my birth, and a reason why no matter how much older I get I always feel young and spritely.

Christmas is the only time that if you haven't been home in a year, no one yells at you for it. Instead they think of you as the best Christmas present they have ever received and there are many tears of joy spent on both ends.

Christmas is my favorite time of year.

Unearthing the past

I used to think I cried
when sorrow was filled to brimming
that it would leak from my irises
and off the edge of my nose.
I used to think that sorrow
came from pain and wrenching loss
that it would ravage me in
terror and neglected understanding.

I've slept with sorrow now.
I understand his hold.
He grasps onto my sides
and stills my restless pulse.
He does not pull or scream.
Or suffocate my breath, but lets
me linger foolishly on dreams
that won't come true.

So when I cry the tears slide
gently down my face
and sobs are a voice created
from a hollow emptiness
I'd like to think it were passion
that created the unrealized loss
but tears come from no arousal
of my self, my lips, my thoughts.

I'm going home to Pennsylvania. It's been a year since I've seen PA. I realized that within the year I have lived in Utah, visited Idaho for a day, drove through Nevada and Wyoming, and vacationed in Northern California. That's it. I have not seen Pennsylvania green in a year. I have not dealt with humidity in over a year. I have not physically touched my friends in over a year. That just makes me cry. I can't believe a year of my life has gone by without touching some of the people I love most. I've had my heart broken and I've done the breaking. I've become independent. I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I've experienced Italian sodas, monkey hugs, and the glory of the Pacific without the people I have known my whole life. I can't really put my finger on what I'm afraid of. Maybe I'm afraid that I've been gone for so long that I don't have a place there anymore. Maybe I'm afraid that they won't appreciate the Emily I am so comfortable with. Maybe they'll notice whatever weird accent I've developed. I know that they'll love me and that all of these things don't really matter. However, I feel so much older. I feel like a part of my identity is about to be recovered. That feels amazing. I can't wait to see people who love me.

Will my dog even think I'm nice?
Will my cousin laugh at my college stories?
Will my parents...

Mmh. I can't believe how much older I am. I came home last time at 19 almost 20. My parents are now 52 and 55. I'm 21. What have I accomplished? Why do I need to have accomplished something?

Even at a distance

I like the way you look at me. And the way we say goodnight.

Documentary in its simplest form

Today

My hair is in leftover curls from drying naturally
I'm wearing pink and gray, cotten clothes that spell out comfort
I smell like Dove lotion
My car is still messy
I think I might have gotten a B on my Linguistics final
I can't stop using weird little linguistic phrases and terminology to describe every element of my life
I might as well have Amos Lee's lyrics tatooed all over my body because they're tatooed all over my mind
I want to be home
I need to put in more hours at work
I have at least a fourteen page paper due in my acting class, I turned in a 22 page assignment for that class yesterday
I'm lusting after my guitar
No one is home in my apartment and Hillary has already left for California
It's bitter cold outside and my hands are still freezing
I'm trying to figure out when I can actually graduate
I want to be a backup singer
I think I'd like to move south for the winter
I hate the last week before you go home because you debate the practicality of buying food but lament when all you have in your cupboards and refrigerators is rice and hummus
I'm wondering how many people can say that all they have is hummus in their fridge
I still like eating ice cream in the winter
There's a snowman staring at me through my window.
I've come to really love documenting my life. Even if its documented in random sentences like these.

After six months I...

My ex is .... going to end up as a friend someday
Maybe I should ... actually care more about finals
I love ... writing on Miguel's facebook wall and my roommates
I don't understand ... emotions
I lost my ... student ID :(
People would say that I'm ... an intensely emotional girl
Sex is ... still honestly on the brain.
Love is ... a mixture or many things. Whose balance I'm still trying to figure out
Somewhere, someone is ... praying for me
I will always ... love Becca and our love of living for the moment
Forever is ... something that I'm trying to no longer think of linearly
I think the current President is ... overstaying his welcome by about 7 years
I woke up this morning ... and already my agenda and emotional resevoir were running throught my brain
Life is full of ... seasons
My past ... affects the emotional responses of my future
I get annoyed when ... I struggle to understand who I am.
I wish ... I understood the difference between protecting oneself and being selfish
My dog ... is hopefully going to be alive for Christmas. Although she will not remember me. :(
Tomorrow I'm going to ... smile because I love and have always loved Tuesdays
I have no tolerance for people who ... don't like herbal tea
If I had a million dollars I would ... move to Norway for the summer.
Sometimes I want to ... be naked.
Home is ... a mix of my roommates and my family and my mind.
We are ... never going to understand the blessing and the curse of Internet distractions
This weekend ... I will be, oh my word, in Pennsylvania for the first time in a year
I understand ... that I can't be everything I want to be today
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Lyricize my life

Amos Lee - The voice of my life.

Careless

You speak of love
But you ain't no lover
You were a friend
More like a brother

As the miles pass beneath me
The sounds made so sweetly came to an end
And no man can deny her but now you're a liar
And you've no room left to defend

When I left
I should have known better
Of the kind of man that you are
You'd have to get her

And I know you got a lot of pain
That's born inside you
But instead of growing stronger
You let it divide you, oh

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless

And the waves that are crashing
True lives of passion washing on your shore
Yes Sir, life has been costing
A true love's been lost
And I can't get back anymore

And I'm sure
That we both still both love her
And it's a shame we both lost her
And in time lost each other

But a trust has been broken
And words have been spoken
But you can mend
And no man can deny her
And as you laid beside her
I hope it felt good my friend

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless with her heart

Winter Wonders

When the world is as white as it is now
it reminds me that sometimes the miracle of a clean slate
falls on us when we least expect it
and all of the slipping and sliding we do in life
can be softened and silenced by fresh snow.

Here's to new beginnings... wherever they may be found.

The novelty of short stories

When I was in third or fourth grade my teacher gave us a Christmas creative writing assignment. We were instructed to write a short story that personified a symbol of Christmas and tell the story from that object or animal's perspective. I'm sure there were a lot of stories about the Christ child and Santa Claus, which I'm sure were lovely. I decided, however, to write my first environmentalist piece. So from the time I was 9 or 10 I was a liberal, tree-hugger. And my converted Republican hippie parents (soon to be converted back for the next election) wonder why I'm a card-carrying Democrat.

Nonetheless, I wrote about a Christmas trees idyllic life on a tree farm. The tree lived happily, without any concept of what Christmas was beyond a few murmured words from people walking by him. This was his existence until one day he saw an adorable family hiking through his section of the farm. He couldn't help but think that the children were cute and that the family was cheerful. But suddenly he felt a sharp, metal object slice through his torso. (I know! I was kind of a graphic 9-yr-old.) The rest of the play is about the tree's slow death and his perception of what Christmas is. He feels some sort of satisfaction in that his death enabled the family to enjoy this special holiday. But eventually the tree is left dead and abandoned outside in the woods behind the family's house. I think I made reference to a pine cone falling off that might spring new life or something like that. I was very much a product of the Disney "Circle of Life" concept.

Now, I think back to that story every time I smell pine and see Christmas trees. Last night I walked into my apartment to discover a Christmas tree. I never thought I'd have a real one living here in Utah. They are very expensive. But it's the perfect size for our apartment. It was the first thing I saw when I walked in the door last night. And I threw down everything I was carrying in my hands and danced all around it. So apparently I have some limitations on the depths of my environmentalism. And apparently my tree's death will give me great joy throughout the next two and a half weeks of December-Provo life.

So who knows what my third grade mind was on about when I wrote that story. I'm just glad to have something that smells like pine and is green in my home.

The Easiness of the Way

So I've had some amazing experiences this weekend. I acted my little heart out, met a new person I'm really excited to get to know, gave a lesson in Church that was totally not from me, and was supported financially in a time when I really need it. I HAVE to write more about them. They are too incredible to ignore.

Today, however, one of my fears came true. I was recently asked to serve in a calling I am overwhelmed with every day. I don't know why Heavenly Father wants me but I am trying to do His will. But when God asks us to turn over our will to His He means it. There is no half way and we are tried to see if we really meant what we said. I wanted to be in this show I auditioned for. I felt like I should be. And, it's hard to accept that God wants me to solely focus on this one area of my life. It's just hard. My family doesn't really understand because they think "Hey, you're an actress... this is what you bargained for." But it's not that. It's wanting to be able to have my will and God's. It's wanting Him to line up with me when I know I need to give that up and give myself over to Him. And for someone who feels like her testimony is a little fledgling thing, this is huge.

I've been thinking about what "easiness of the way" means. I think it doesn't mean the way is easy because we get to do what we want. The way is made easy when we choose the Lord's will because if we are listening to Him we will know what that way is. It's easy because then He can bless us even more and have a greater influence in our lives and in the lives of those around us. He can teach us and our minds will grow in the things of the gospel. I've been wondering if the prophet would have agreed with this phrase. He didn't get to do what He wanted. I'm sure there were times when Joseph just wanted to have something work out the way he imagined. I'm sure this is how Emma felt. If this is easy then why am I being asked to sacrifice so much? Like Abraham we are asked to give up the things we want most. What are hearts are set upon.

It's not Sunday school stuff. It's hard. It makes us cry. A lot. I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to be prayerful. I don't want to be bitter or upset. And I'm excited for the journey my friends will take. They will be amazing. And someday I'll work with Dave. I know it. It's hard for me to look at him right now because I'm so full of love and sadness. He is like a father to me. Someone I look up to and admire in so many ways. I don't know what I would have done had I not met him and he helped to change my life. Gosh, everytime I think about Dave I just sob. It's so weird. Anyway. I'm okay, really I am. I don't think my testimony has ever been stretched in so many ways in the course of four months. But Heavenly Father is preparing me for something.

For my friends that are reading this.

I know that God lives. I really do believe in Jesus Christ. Life is hard. It's wonderful and we have some fantastic moments of triumph, but it is hard. I'm learning that there really is someone that has a different and better plan for my life than I can imagine for myself. I believe that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ like the Bible. I believe that Joseph was a man but also a prophet. I believe in prophets today. And I am so grateful for President Hinckley. I'm so glad that there is a God that cares enough about my welfare to give me personal revelation. I don't believe that Mormons have all the answers. I think it is so important to search and dig and really listen and learn from other people. I don't believe that Mormons will be saved and everyone else is out of luck. If I have EVER inferred that I apologize to the great many people in my life who are the reason I am alive, healthy, and believe in God today. You are a part of my foundation. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for you. My life is what it is because of you. And I hope that you are forever in my life. You will be forever in my heart and mind. I love you.

No product

I find myself a little tired of painting personality.
Exhausted from meticulously smiling in a frown.
I want to snuggle somewhere where I exhale all my worry.
Breathing in a newness that stills a restless pound.
So share my smirk love for you've created it.
From every moment you mocked my honesty.
And for once just live with me in this moment.
Smell the lingering hope that was once in me.

(Unfinished)

For You and Us

I find that I'm a rebel. Even when I conform.
I'm struggling to assert an image
that even I might not believe.
I find you satisfying and a trouble to my mind.
But a journey that I willingly take
on an ever ebbing breeze.

Lingering between two blinking traffic lights,
we find answers in each other.
If we find any answers at all.
And when we touch without ever feeling
I hear myself exhale. For then trouble
is name of the company we call.

But a part is bound to discovering
a softer side of you and me. A peeling and
decaying of a rationalized lust.
So we start again with history that pacifies
greater need. Without confusion we're bound
to unwrap a clearer version of us.

Even on a Sunday

My fingers are callused from playing too much.
My mind is dirty from thinking too much.

Eat your veggies

Green beans are so romantic! *Lick*

Supporting Verizon through text messaging

Recent favorite text messages:

Allison's response to my "So guess who texted me."

"Stupid, idiot, dumb, bad-at-relationships, doesn't-know-what-he-wants, you're-not-for-him-bc-you've-got-it-together boy?"

My response to Curtis's "Happy chaunnukah!"

"Happy black friday! From the tops of the Rockies."

Alli's cousin and Alli on male characteristics

"Yeah. He's silly. To my neice silly and scary mean the same thing."

My brother's response to my "Hey. I love you. Sleep well."

"Likewise"

My recent valentine to Jackie "I was just thinking about you and how much I love you. Thanks for praying for me and believing in me. I finally got out of a bad thing. And I credit some of that to your loving support. Know that I am always praying for you."

Jimmy's "My girfriend is a Democrat. What are the chances of that in Rexburg?"

Matt's "You got it."

Mike's string of conversation with me... all his responses

"Well, hello there little pumpkin. I'm from houston, tx and no i don't think you're lame."

"No i don't think you're lame... even for not letting go because stuff like that is hard"

"he's like glue ain't he? i bet it'll turn out fine. he doesn't deserve u, tha's what i think :-D"

"I'm not posing as the therapist here when i say i know exactly how you feel because i do!"

"Without feeling the draw to go back. i think its because i invested so much in her @ one time."

Jimmy's "I want you to meet my gf sometime."

Lauren's "It's hard when you care so much about a person and they aren't ready for what you can give. But you've got to know that you are amazing, Em, with or without him."

Ty Kump "I saw Sarah fine and sassy just walk by" -May 13th

Katie Crapo "Oh, if that's all. I have to get interviewed for Ophra so that's perfect." -May 24th

Greg Freestone "It's okay, I'm just sitting here watching them make out." -Late May

Jackie's response to my "I'm in Nevada!"

"Congrats- no gamblin or hookin'!" - San Fran trip

Dad's responses to my "I'm on a streetcar, maybe it's named desire." and "I feel like I have Stanley Marshall's wanderlust." -San Fran

"keep having fun. Journal your thoughts luv u Papa" and "Its a great feeling isn't it dad"

Carie's response to my "This date is so boring"

"Sorry friend! Bring up sleeping nude... that ought to spice things up a bit. :)"

Carie's stream of responses to my infatuation for San Francisco

"Ha ha. No more NY flat? :)"

"Figures. :) Just don't do LA. :) Wait, you mean the Utah desert didnt' enthrall you as you drove throught it?!"

"Sad day, we'll convert you somehow. :)"

"No, Provo has had two years. Utah does NOT = Provo. :)"

"Sorry friend! Utah awaits you with open arms. :)"

"Let's be honest, the super cool people like carie eastman are in utah. that alone should make you grateful for this great state!"

Curtis's Idaho response to my "Alli and I got engaged!"

"Yeah... well me and alex got engaged... so there!" -Aug 22

and the follow up to my "It was just a matter of time"

"I'll give u a matter of time."

Allison's stream of insane texts after Curtis drove back from Idaho

"Emily and Curtis sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G!" -Aug 24

"Curtis's voice sounds really deep. Like a imperialist Viking or something. Scary"

"I think he's figured us out, his volume has gone down. Quick! Escape! Before he pulls out the helmet and muskrat fur!"

"No. He wants a Viking woman. They look like the Viking men. You're too pretty. YOu should give him a peace offering from our apartment... Cake!"

"Tell him he can take anything but the fish. Not LAVERN!"

My text to Mike and Curtis yesterday

"I don't know how I feel about living in a world where people need or feel like they need seat covers at public restrooms"

My response to Alli's neice's gibberish - Yesterday

"Maybe its a dialect?"

Amy Fille

I have spent the Thanksgiving week in gratitude for my wonderful family. I love them exponentially. I've needed them as much if not more. But, of all of the people in my life right now I must say I'm the most grateful for Amy. Perhaps that's unfair, Bob and Nancy have been so generous, my parents so understanding, my brother and sister so sanguinal, my roommates and friends so patient. But Amy is so prescient. She is real and tangible. She makes me think about who I am. She allows me to believe in my personal strength. She shares her life with me and allows me to do the same. She does not want me to censor myself. She recognizes how I feel and allows me to feel it. I love her. Sometimes when I think about how different our lives are I wonder how I could become so close to someone so wise and beautiful. I wonder if she finds my own problems trite or silly. I know she doesn't, but the insecure Emily, the Emily that has recently been exposed and mistreated, is fearful and unsure.

I miss Curtis. I do. I miss so much of what we shared. It's hard to step away. I'm embarrassed no matter which way I turn. I feel ashamed for not being able to walk away from this situation earlier. I am embarrassed that I even still like him, after things he has said and the harsh words that were mutually shared. I am embarrassed that I am unable to "just be friends" the way he wants to be. I am ashamed that part of the reason I don't want to "just be friends" is because I know that is what he wants and I don't want him to have it. I feel petty, selfish, strong, and raw. I don't hate him. I feel very far from that emotion. I loved how comfortable and beautiful he made me feel. I loved that we could talk for hours and never get bored. I loved being able to swap music and stories. I miss playing the guitar and singing together. I loved the way the gospel weaved in and out of our conversations. It was so natural. It is an essential part of both of our lives.

Someday I'd like to be Curtis's friend. But now is just not that time. I don't want to marry him. It's crazy that he keeps bringing up that I do. I mean I never thought about it. Not once. Not until he brought it up and even then it was weird. I'm also weirded out by how much he is convinced I am crazy about him. I am as invested in him as I am in any other friend. I have deep friendships. I feel and care deeply about people. I want the best for them. I want them to succeed and be happy. I want all of these things for Curtis. Unfortunately, for Curtis and myself there is another side to our friendship. It's this side that blurs my emotions and simultaneously entices and numbs my senses. I love being loved. I love loving. My friend Jennie once said that we share a similar greatest weakness/strength. We want to give of ourselves wholeheartedly. But Jennie told me how dangerous and selfish that can be. Sometimes people don't want what we have to give. This is how I feel about Curtis. I don't think he knows what he wants. Or, maybe he does, but like me I think its difficult to separate the physical elements of our relationship. And all of my deep feelings towards him and how much I want the best of life for him come out in it. I'm so readable. I've lost "mystery" or whatever because of it. He feels like he knows me, all of me. Which disgusts me. How can he begin to know all of me? Or maybe he feels like he knows all of me worth knowing. That thought should make me even more sick. And it does. It makes me feel so two-dimensional. And yet I want to be held and stroked and told that I am beautiful, funny, sensitive, and soft.

So why do I even miss Curtis? ...After all I've had to say about him. I have come a long way in my life. Curtis has helped me realize this. He makes me feel good about the person I've become. He finds me fascinating and stimulating. He thinks that I am a good, innocent, passionate person who cares about people. He gives me confidence in my callings and asserts my personal endurance. But, it's funny how all of these things can turn in the heat of a moment. How when he has felt trapped or overstimulated he backs away and uses all of these good things against me. We haven't talked in over two weeks. Some of the last things I said to him were, "Damn you," "Go to hell," "I don't hate you," "I wish we could be friends but it's impossible right now," "Please don't call or text me." Two nights ago Curtis texted me at two in the morning with "Happy Channuahka." I texted back twelve hours later with "Happy Black Friday from the tops of the Rockies!" Last night he called me at 11:30. I was asleep and didn't pick up. He didn't leave a voicemail. His roommate Mike and I are good friends and we talked this morning while in bed. (We were on the phone together, not in the same bed.) He said that Curtis came to him last night at around seven and wanted Mike to ask my roommate out and that Curtis was going to ask me out and that the four of us could double. Mike, knowing the situation, said, "What? You want to ask Emily out?" Curtis replied saying that he misses spending time with me, that he thinks I'm so much fun, that he misses the way we used to talk. Mike asked Curtis is he wanted to date me and Curtis said no, that he only wanted to be friends. Mike told him not to call. Mike called Alli though. And Curtis asked to speak with my roommate. Alli asked, "What do you want with my roommate?" Curtis replied, "What kind of question is that?" Alli: "I think you know what I'm getting at." Curtis: "No not really, what are you getting at?" Alli: "Do you want to just be her friend or do you want to date her now?" Curtis: "Just friends." Alli: "Don't call her." And yet he did. I haven't called him back yet. Amy doesn't want me to. I should have said "I don't want to," but that wouldn't be true. So for now I'll have to say, "Amy doesn't want me to."

I know Amy is right, that the more time that goes by the easier this will be. She tells me that I have the right to be extremely happy. And I know that I do! I want to find someone like Jedi. I see how much he loves Amy. He is so intelligent and kind. He is always uplifting her, wanting her to take the spotlight. I want to share the spotlight with someone. I don't want to keep forcing the guy I'm dating to realize that he's worth noticing or supporting. I don't want him to feel like he has nothing to offer me. I want to be uplifted and thought to be beautiful. I want to be swept off my feet the way Amy is swept and the way Jedi sweeps her. I don't want to not share my poetry with someone I care about for fear that its another thing he is intimidated by. My cousin is in my life for a reason. She is strong. She is beautiful. She is so good and right. She inspires me to be a better person and I love her for it. I love her already for who she is, but I feel so close to her for what she gives and accepts. I feel the need to share things with her. I know she doesn't judge me. I know I have to make my own decisions about this person in my life. And I will make them. I'm just glad to have someone who loves me in spite of myself and my emotions and keeps believing in the greatest version of me.

All Souls Day Resolutions

1. I will start every day grateful for the innonence and freshness of it.
2. I will create opportunities to meet new people and develop new relationships.
3. I will strengthen the friendships I value most.
4. I will pray. Often. And I will try to pray more out of gratitude than out of want.
5. I will be happy with who I am and realize the potential I have to be better.

Silencing the Innocent

Thoughts can be destruction in its simplest form.

Missing you could be a terminal end.

Slurring my sleep

I'm to the point where sleep is continually seducing me. I feel like I'm in a Michel Gondry film. Where the dream is the reality I wish to stay in.

Somedays I forget to forget

A long goodbye

Are we kissing? Your presence presses upon me,
the way it did when your lips brushed mine.
And I feel your hands pulling at my hair
telling me that I feel alright.

The distance maintains, a whisper of want,
the way it did when you refused to taste me.
You, afraid to be completely naked so I could
enrobe you in my vulnerability.

Blinking eyelashes. They are the beat of breath
Snagged on your three day stubble and blinked
laughingly at the closeness of your nose.
They shelter me from your emotional tide.

Biting at me. Why do you soothe my smile?
It only relaxes the muscles and leaves them
fatigued from lifting the corners of your gaze.
Teeth that mock the nearness we never shared.






How many poems will I write before I erase the memory of you?
How many days without you before you're not in my mind?
How long will I wonder about your future and think about your family?
How long before I don't hear your voice singing with mine?
How many days before we're free of stress and pain?
How long before you and I are friends again?

Originally I wrote the above in prose, well... tried. It naturally fell into rhyme. Go figure.


And contrary to what may be thought my poetry, while inspired today, is not emoted linearly.

Personal sketches

I've been rediscovering past poetry and whoa. :)

Still

You tricked me.
I was somewhere between your thigh and your hands
when you were making inaudible promises.
The distraction of discovering and being discovered
was more than reparte. It was brash, gutsy, and
right. It was us discovering how we fit together.
Or if we fit at all.

My thoughts were innocently
yours to have. But you twisted them
until I could not untangle you from my mind.
Somewhere my breath was inhaling yours.
What else did it have to reassure it that
you were as dependent upon me as I was
on the idea of you.

I might see you in my present past. And
I'll choke on the memory of the morse code
on every taste bud. A reminder
that with a soft gaze and a gentle touch
I was stranded in the eye of your storm.
How long can I remain immovable?
To be raged upon and tossed aside?
Until your sunrise streaks my face
or until I recapture my fragile self.

Goodbye?

The most amazing thing about breaking up with someone is that at the very moment where you are telling them that you can no longer be with them because it hurts too much, you want them to reach out, hold you, cradle you, love you. You want to share your feelings with someone and have them tell you its okay. But, how is it possible when the person who's loving you is killing the joy you have for life.

That sounds exceptionally fatalistic. But, I'm emotionally raw. I want to have the desire to do the right thing. I know what I'm supposed to do. I've done it. Now, I want to feel like it was right.

Someday

Someday I won't be so naive to believe that I am loved.
Unconditionally.
Someday, I will know that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
And I won't care.
Because I won't be comparing myself to past lovers.

Someday I'll kiss someone so deeply I'll cry for every person
that missed the opportunity.
Someday I will develop calluses.
I'll still feel.
But life won't hurt so much.



I wish I could give you everything you want. I wish I could get everything I need. But, unfortunately we struggle. We're one and the same. I wish I had it in me to kiss you. But, I won't because I feel it too much.

It's a funny day for love or a lovely day for fun

Happiness is being pleasantly surprised... :)

Where my voice finds rest

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore --
and then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load

Or does it explode?

- Langston Hughes


All that can be expected of me is my best. And yet sometimes all I want is to know that someone loves me when I fall so short of even that.

Life is Fine

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!

-Langston Hughes

Poem in process

I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
his anger has consumed any passion I once enshrouded myself in
I am engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
I could leave this capsized shell if only i knew how

would it be worth it to frame the gaze
that left me balled and rooted to the floor?
i should stay here and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time


I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
his anger has consumed the passion i once enshrouded myself in
i could leave this capsized shell in only i knew how

would it be worth it to frame his paralyzing gaze?
it's useless to stay and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
I should rise up from my balled and rooted place on the floor.
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time

Unsent

I recently downloaded Alanis Morissette's song Unsent. I have this self-destructive tendency to listen to music that allows me to wallow in overwhelming thoughts and emotions. I think people like me have solely supported the successful music careers of Sarah McLachlan and Jewel. I've been trying to understand why I love feeling like I'm drowning in emotion. I think sometimes I just need to hear from someone else the sound of loneliness, unrequited love, and charitable sweetness. I'm just going to include the lyrics. I played the song for my sister and mentioned the guy that was applicable to me in each verse. She laughed because they fit so perfectly. And then she got quiet. It's that ebb and flow of emotional understanding that often can only be conveyed through music and free lyricism.

Unsent - Alanis Morissette

Dear Matthew: I like you a lot.
I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now
and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to
come visit me in California I would be
open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were
when you wrote your first song

Dear Jonathan: I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
and think solely about themselves and you were
plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

Dear Terrance: I love you muchly
you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive an-
and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to
fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the
best platform from which to jump beyond myself
what was wrong with me

Dear Marcus: You rocked my world
you had a charismatic way about you with the women
and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't
let me get away with kicking my own ass
but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
and that stopped us from going any furter than we did
and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun

Dear Lou: We learned so much
I realise we won't be able to talk for some time
and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could
we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career your whereabouts


I know I have a hard time letting go or even wanting to let go. I know that I love self-destructively. I know that I want the kind of relationship that I have with the ocean. Gritty, clear, surprising, natural, inspiring, mysterious, and tidal.

Dear ______: I tried not to care.
I realise you haven't thought about me the way that I have you.
Probably for your benefit and mine. And if I
let myself get caught up in your smile, your laugh, your eyes then I would
never move beyond this stagnant place I'm in
I never wanted to overcloud the simplicity of our friendship
but sometimes life just creeps up on me.

Untitled Reasoning

I'm always amazed at the power people have to hurt and help others. Sometimes I wonder which I am doing.

Branded

Van Gogh sacrificed it for a lover. I sacrificed it for one too. My show Sarah Plain and Tall. The top of my ear is burnt off. On Tuesday the girl curling my hair burnt the side of my face and my ear badly. Yesterday as I was tucking a strand of hair behind my ear I felt something fall off. A chunk of my ear. Disgusting yes. Humourous yes. Do I want my ear back? Yes. Do I let anyone curl my hair now? No!

Today's version of Emily

My ex is ....
Maybe I should ... stop procrastinating and go take my shower for the day.
I love ... good girlfriends and kissing boys.
I don't understand ... why I can't get over my present illness.
I lost my ... drive for good grades in biology.
People would say that I'm ... driven, crazy, and passionate.
Sex is ... honestly on the brain.
Love is ... negotiable. To quote Lori. And to quote me... somewhere in my future.
Somewhere, someone is ... wanting me to be happy with everything in my life.
I will always ... love my best friends, but especially Rob for teaching me about life.
Forever is ... what I'm creating.
I think the current President is ... screwing over our educational system.
I woke up this morning ... in pain and wanting to stay wrapped in the my mexican comforter.
Life is full of ... memories and 4:30 am denny's runs
My past ... creates a large part of who I am
I get annoyed when ... I fall short of expectations. Especially my own.
I wish ... I listened to my heart more.
My dog ... is far away from me.
Tomorrow I'm going to ... get up and relish the sun.
I have no tolerance for people who ... hurt me over and over again.
If I had a million dollars I would ... invest some and take a couple thousand and spend the summer in New Zealand.
Sometimes I want to ... go skinnydipping.
Home is ... I honestly don't know. Bits and pieces of things and places.
We are ... people of purpose and forever dreamers.
This weekend ... I will perform in front at least a hundred people.
I understand ... that everyone is beautifully different.
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise.

Gone with the wind

Every bad emotion and negative thought I feel right now is going to be released to cyberworld. What's been done has been done. All I can control is today and its individual moments.

The Lusty Month of May

To borrow from the tried and true classic Camelot.

I've decided that if such a weakness/illness/or whateverness exists such as spring fever I have it. All symptoms and strands of the virus. The weather here is insanely beautiful. So much so that I have been motivated to start running outside again. (This has served as a humbling experience because I have now discovered how out of shape I am and how different running inside is than running outside. No matter. It's beautiful and it makes me feel great. Once I've finished or made it past the uphill portion of my run.) I'm changing from my pasty skin to my freckly slightly brownish color. I love freckles. People actually want to go outside and do something. We blow off their spring homework assignments right and left. And we do it freely with the excuse "Life is short and so is nice weather."

But probably the strand of spring fever I've got the most has to do with boys. Which I don't think is unusual for most people, but it certainly caught me off guard. I recently called my Dad and he actually asked me if I had a boyfriend. I don't, but I think its funny that he heard an extra bounce in my speech. We'll see what becomes of it. For now I'm going to enjoy the weather, good company, procrastination, my show, playing outside, and the craziness that the male gender presents. May is by far my favorite month.