On a gray day you can see for never

I'm really tired of guys right now. I know I'm going to sound like the typical spinster/feminist but honestly.

Today, I'm studying in the library and this guy that used to be my friend and we used to have these great conversations and we used to hang out on occassion, treated me so coldly. I don't know what I did to deserve it. I never backed out of my friendship with him. I never changed my personality. I never expected anything of him. I'm still trying to be cordial and polite but all I get is sharpness.

This same thing happened to me with another boy who is in a lot of my classes. This is going to sound uber-insecure, but I just haven't been feeling... I don't know. How do you put it in words? Because it's more than physically attractive. I'm not stupid enough to allow these guys to influence whether or not I'm beautiful. I feel like I'm not fun, or spontaneous, or interesting, or too smart. And, I know I shouldn't care what they think. But lately, I... I've been feeling insecure. Blah. It's out there.

I'm not writing this blog so that I guilt anyone into telling me I'm a wonderful person. I want to let you know and more importantly myself know that I am human. I feel shy, confused, embarrassed, guilty, at different times. Sometimes all at once. I don't want anyone to ever think that because of the faith that I claim as my own that I have all of the answers or that I'm never depressed. While I feel like there are things in my life I need to change, I don't feel like I'm "sinning." I don't think doubting/questioning areas of my faith is a bad thing. And it's not pulling the foundation out from under me. I don't think God is dissastisfied by my questioning either. And I don't think even if I were totally assured in my convictions that I would never feel this hodge-podge of melancholy that I'm feeling right now. And, I know that I do experience moments of exquisite joy. Primarily when it concerns my family.

Life is so interesting. For those of you who read this, thanks for going along for the ride. Know that I love you. More than anything. Know how happy you make me and that there is never a day when I'm not thinking about you, your happiness, and all that you give me. Love. Love. Love. I send it to you.

Mirror Mirror

No, the reason my picture is a blog entry is not because I am that vain and know how much you love that picture. Frankly, you're probably all bored with it anyway. The reason it is there is the same reason I have not changed my facebook picture. I'm technologically stupid. Last night I was attempting to put a profile picture in my blog and that entry was the result. Mind you this was a forty-five minute attempt to try to get it right. And my uncle wonders why I'm not a computer science major. Technology hates me.

So that is me. I don't think I'm going to take it off. I wouldn't really know how and even if I could learn I'd rather spend the time learning how to put things on the right way. So maybe I'll get lucky and the casting director of the new Bourne movie will need a Matt Damon "it" girl for the third sequel and just happen to stumple upon this interesting blog of an actress in Utah. How's that for fantasy?! While I'm dreaming... can I have some unknown trust fund be made known and a house in Alsace donated to me?

January 2005 

"In the beginning was the Tao?"

I've been doing so much thinking about God. I guess when you attend a religious university, play a character in a production who questions who God is all the time, have a class that studies the world religions from a truly unbiased standpoint, and take a theatre history course where you analyze the Book of Job from a theatrical/mythological perspective... this will happen.

I was reading a book for yet another class, American Heritage, and my thoughts just started going. The ecclesiastical leader was challenging why we have to remove God from the political happenings of our country. He wasn't advocating a particular god over another, he was attibuting the moral values this country was founded on to a supreme being/force. He was also pointing out that our nation is ridding itself of the values that make it strong. Who do you offend when you leave God in or take him out of the Constitution? Does anytime God is mentioned in the important documents of our country refer to the Judeo-Christian deity? Does it have to? Do we have to remove God to be tolerant? Is it wrong to recognize a force of moral responsibility to found our country on? Is it blasphemous for an individual from a Judeo-Christian background to advocate this stance that appears to strip the traditional God of worship down to an idea? These are some of the questions tumbling around in my mind. Are people removing God to be tolerant or removing God to remove themselves from moral responsibility? I know that is assuming there is a universal moral right and wrong. But does believing that there are universal rights and wrongs automatically make an individual intolerant or unsusceptible to change?

I know I'm rambling and not making much sense. But as I was reading I wondered what the definition of an atheist is. What if you believe that there is only a force in the world? Or that there are only universal laws? There is no God in Taoism. Not that a Judeo-Christian tradition would consider. However, Tao, is a force that is revered. In tao there is no beginning or end. (Like alpha and the omega.) Taoists would never call themselves atheist however. But from a political perspective the word God would include Tao values, because Taoists believe in a universal force that promotes right-doing.

We had a discussion in my acting class about whether truth needed to be precisely adequate and raw in order to teach. Do we need to show the exact level of violence in a war movie as what was really experienced in order for people to understand? Do we need to use the profanity of a hardened criminal in order to come to terms with his/her courseness? The teacher was not advocating a particular answer but rather was calling our attention to how impressionable we are. How vulnerable we are in theatre to be shaped and molded by forces we allow to take control of us. (My thoughts again -->) Are we really free if we are bound to a society that spells out what tolerance is and what it is not? What reality is and what it is not? I don't know. I don't know.


I really hope that people will post their own ramblings. I'm not necessarily looking for answers but ideas, contrasting ideas about the world. If they are too private but you want to share email me.

Things that make me happy

1. Friends that are girls.
2. Last minute spontaneous lunch breaks that almost make you late for work.
3. Procrastinating on my theatre history homework because theatre history sucks. (Guess what I'm doing right now?)
4. Watching Arrested Development.
5. Swimming a mile to prove to my brother that I can do it. Even if the only stroke I can do is the breast stroke without drowning.
6. Sitting in the Actor side of the HFAC because I am now accepted into the HFAC Actor Slab Group.
7. Reading my friends comments on my blog. They make my days.
8. Being a liberal.
9. Talking about boys. Even though they are clueless and sometimes shallow. (But hey girls are too.)
10. Being in a play.
11. YOGA.
12. Diet A & W Rootbeer because my roommate Carie thinks it's funny that I like healthy things but love carbonation.
13. Sleeping naked. (When I'm alone. It would weird my roommate out too much.)
14. Good conversation.
15. Family. That should be up at the top.
16. Pix/text messaging. My brother and I actually communicate now.
17. Doing well on my acting midterms.
18. Last minute spontaneous anything.
19. Walmart shopping sprees.
20. Green sweatpants.
21. My friends.
22. Sheila. I love the rest of you too, but I feel like I really have to put Sheila's name down.
23. Living in Mormon-land where everyone thinks everyone gets married at age 18 and being almost 20 without being in a serious relationship.
24. Reading movie scripts.
25. Writing this list.

Color my world boy

Can we just emote?

A life to call my own

Finally! I finished working as a dresser for Fuente Ovejuna. Theatre majors have to do so many service credit hours for the major and my 360 credit is DONE. :) I will have five more hours to my day. Now instead of going from class to work to rehearsal to fuente, I can go home and eat dinner. Maybe talk to my roommate. Pick up my underwear. Memorize some monologues and sleep more than three hours a night.

For the first time in years (and I am not exaggerating) I got nine hours of sleep on a school night. It was intoxicating. I woke up so rejuvenated I thought for sure someone had drugged me. Mmm.

I'm in a show right now. It's called A Generation Raised in Propriety. The play is about this girl named Emma who has all of these friends who are abused. Her best friend is named Marie and Marie gets the worst from her father. Emma doesn't have a great family life (her mom is a terrible alcoholic and though she loves her father he can't take the pressure of his marrital situation and run-away son and leaves the family) either but because she isn't physically abused the kids at school think she is spoiled. The teachers at school are supposedly raising the children to live a proprietess life, but it's really a corrupting enculturation. The setting is Swindon, England so everyone (except for Ms. French) speaks with a British accent.

I'm playing Emma. It's my first lead at BYU. Though it is a student written, student directed show it will be playing on one of the mainstages so I am kind of nervous. I LOVE Emma. I just feel for her situation. I want to perform to the best of my ability.

So that's what has been going on in my life. I feel so disconnected from the world right now. I want to spend time with people, watch a movie, call people I haven't talked to in ages, and do well in my classes at school. I miss you all.

Ice Ice Baby

I've been informed that ice crunching means more than a signal of iron deficiency.

Supposedly ice crunchers have pent up sexual tension...

I think I'll leave it at that. :)

Soy divertida!

Today someone threw me off guard. (Today by the way has been a much better day.) They asked me the simplest question. Subtracting school work and subtracting acting...

What do you do for fun?

And you know what. I was stumped. I know that I do stuff, but it has been a while since I sat down and made time for fun. Ack! I am my mother.

So over the next couple of days, weeks, whatever, I'm going to compile a list of things I like to do for fun. Not things I do because they will make me a better person. Not things I do that make others happy. (I'm not saying I shouldn't do those or that I'll stop.) But things I do to make me, Emily, happy. Feel free to contribute things you think I like to do in the form of comments. Or suggest things you like to do. I need ideas.

#1 I shamelessly drop anthing I'm doing whenever I notice Good Will Hunting is on TV. Life stops, whether there is five minutes or two hours left in that movie.

Breakthroughs and breakdowns

Did you ever just feel so nauseated from personal emotions that you wanted to vomit them all over the sidewalk and never have to deal with them again? I know. The image is graffic. I just feel so... sick. I don't know. I feel confused, disappointed, tired (thank you mono-relapse), overwhelmed, and lazy. And, I just feel like a slacker for feeling this way. There are so many elements out of my control and while I should be able to recognize this and move on I keep snagging my foot in the door.

Today was incredible for me in Improv though. I took risks I never would have taken before. I guess I just wanted the opportunity to prove what I have on stage. Is that vain? I don't know. I just want to cry from feeling... lost. It's not about not getting a part. It's not about other problems and struggles I'm currently dealing with. It's a general all around feeling. I'm tired of it. I know that I'll learn something from this crap I'm feeling right now. But, for once I'm tired of lessons. I know that I have to trust God knows what is best for me. Right now though I'm having a hard time. I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I can't think, "Hey, you know what's best. If I willingly turn my life over to you, you will make me happier than I could ever make myself alone." I hate that I feel like I'm making myself unaccessible to the Atoning power of Jesus Christ. I want to be forgiven and feel peace. I want to be rid of all my ill feelings so I can accomplish what I need to.

I guess if I can't vomit physically (and trust me my stomach definitely wants to) a verbal hurling will have to do. So here's a page full of blah. And here's a vulnerable Emily for the taking.

From great generations come great questions

It's been almost ten months since my grandfather passed away and I am reading the 100 American Milestone Documents for my American Heritage class. Right now I am on President Franklin Roosevelt's Radio Address unveiling the second half of the New Deal (1936). This affected my grandfather's life! He voted; he was concerned. It makes me want to cry. I wish I could talk to him again about what it was like. How he made decisions.

I chuckle to myself when I think about my grandfather's political affiliations. He would never talk politics with anyone. He said the three things you never talk about with a man so as to avoid confrontation are Politics, Religion, and How to Raise a Family. Because everyone thinks they're right and no one wants to change. But, my grandfather broke his rule. One day as I was folding laundry he came up to me and just spilled out all of his feelings about the current political news. I think Clinton's scandal had just erupted. And, even though my grandfather had some of the highest morals I have ever known I was surprised about what he had to say. He told me about Kennedy. He talked to me about the New Deal. He wanted me to not evaluate a person based on one area of their life, but to look at the entire picture. He wasn't saying what Clinton did was right. He wasn't saying that Clinton was the perfect president. He was giving me a lesson in how to judge a man (or rather a lesson in how I should never make face judgements on a man). He was teaching me about life by swirling me among the images of his world. For a time I was enshrouded with images of the CCC, World War II, Vietnam, and the Great Depression.

I don't think he ever talked politics with anyone but me from then on. At least in the immediate family. Another day when he found out what I had registered as he came up and said "We're a lot alike you and me." I was thinking "How much of me is him? How much of me wants desperately to be the kind of man he is? Concerned about everyone's needs around him." And, as I silently wish my own political beliefs upon others I can't help but think about why they are what they are. How much of who they are is composed of their role models? Are they thinking "how much of me is him?"

I've been realizing more and more that I need to become more socially active in my community. I don't mean in an annoying "I'm going to force my opinion on you whether you like it or not" kind of way. I mean that I need to stake a claim to my beliefs, reevaluate them all the time, and look for opportunities to serve others. I don't want people to look at what I represent and see me as just a result of my desired profession or a desire to be an odd-ball in a very dominant culture. I want people to see who I am and what I stand for and say "Hey... that's Emily." I want to live my life and when I die my grandchildren say. "How much of me is her?" "How much of me is her?"

All the colors of the rainbow

One week of school down. Too bad I'm still kind of clueless about my schedule. To quote Sheila "Oh Emily. You're so pretty." (As she pats my silly little head.) However, it looks like I got into the section of Acting Improvisation that I wanted to get into. Several of my acting friends are probably not happy about it, but I'm doing what I can to get into the major. Which I found out is looking more and more positive. Thank goodness. I was so worried. One more audition and if I improve even just a little from last time I should make it.

Speaking of auditions I auditioned for a couple of shows. I got the lead in a student written, student directed show that will be put on one of the mainstages here. I'm still kind of shocked about that one. The other two shows that I auditioned for are biggies here on campus. I didn't make call backs for the Shakespeare, "Two Gentleman of Verona." But to my complete surprise I did for "Getting Married!" "Getting Married" by George Bernard Shaw is the senior project. There was one role that could be filled by an undergraduate girl and I was one of four to get called back. I don't know yet if I'll get the part but I was honored to even be considered. I think I have a good chance at playing Edith. But we'll see. "Getting Married" would be the first show at BYU where I would have a lead. Plus, the director is the head of the acting department. And, I'd be working with all seniors who know the ins and outs of the major and it would be incredible to just glean some of the knowledge they have gained over their years at BYU. Okay, it already sounds like my hopes are sky high, but I really am trying to be as realistic about it as possible. If it doesn't work out it will definitley be fine. I have a lot on my plate as is.

So the Utahn who speaks Italian who I kind of liked never called me back. (Ha. To all those people who think I date like crazy or weild some sort of magic influence over guys.) However, the guy that I sort of was amazed with all last year is in two of my acting classes and appears somewhat interested. He is incredibly talented and driven (the qualities I find most attractive) and frankly the fact that I even like a teensy bit scares me to death. Can I like an actor? My mom would flip, that's for sure. I'm not pushing this in one way or the other. I recently saw him in a performance and was reminded again of how talented he is, and two that he is an amazing kisser. Which reminded me of the fact that I still haven't kissed on or off the stage. My fear and anticipation of this is now reaching epic proportions. What if I'm boring? What if I'm a drooler? Would you guys still associate with me?

:) I was just thinking of this conversation I had with one of my guy friends. He laughed when he noticed how frequently I chew my ice. "You know what all that ice chewing means, right Emily?" "Yeah," I began eyeing him carefully, "it means I'm iron deficient." "Well, that too." "Wait, hold up what else does it mean?" I responded. "You're sexually frustrated." Well I guess Sheila was right again about those Mormons. ;)

Anyway, back to this boy. He has the coolest name. I think when he was born his parents were like, "I want this son to be an actor. So let's call him..." His name is a color. And no it's not analogous to the Paltrow "Apple." I realize by now that any one of my acting friends could figure out who the guy is by now so I might as well use his name. But, I don't know. A little mystery never hurt anyone. Which is why I guess my friendship with him right now has got me so intrigued.

Death to the Hangout Kings

Only in Provo is "hanging out" spoken out against. Date. Date. Date! is the mantra now. Actually that's not entirely accurate. We just have this ecclesiastical leader who thinks that all the boys in our ward are shallow and will only ask out hott girls. Or the Bishop thinks that the guys go over in droves of four or five to ravage the girls' apartments of their food. Okay. Whatever.

The problem is you have a couple of girls who go crying to the Bishop about how they are not getting asked out. Translation: They are not getting asked out by the ward 6-Pack and turn down any guy that looks a little like John Heder. (No offense to dear Napolean.) And I said looks a little, not acts a lot like. :) Get with it girls and get with it dear Bishop. I agree that some of the guys need to date more. And, sometimes it's a little hard to understand what a guy's intentions are if he is coming over frequently but never taking the relationship to the next level. (Although if you are just misconstruing friendship for something more than that's your fault chica.) But honestly, I'd rather get asked out less than get asked out every night of the week by some stranger I don't really know to walk around Kiwanis Park for the eighth time sharing a fifty cent ice cream cone. Can you even buy a fifty cent ice cream anymore? Oh well, as they say in Italy Chu ca fa (or something like that).

Focaccia!

Another couple of crazy weeks gone by. Last Saturday I went on a double date with my roommate. It was the first time we had been invited out on a date together. We went rock climbing which was a lot of fun. Well, we like to say 3/4 of the date was fun. We liked the activity, we liked being with each other, and we liked one of our dates. The other was well... you meet all kinds of people here. :p And, no comment on whether it was her or my date.

Anyhow at one point during the date we had a little fire to roast marshmallows. My date served a mission in Italy so he knew Italian. I know Spanish so I thought I'd have some fun con la lenguaje. As he was building the fire I said in a somewhat sultry voice Que bella. To which he responded Mama Mia! Lake was like what the heck are you saying. So I repeated the conversation and she blurted out loudly "well then... Focaccia! Rigatoni!" I love her.

But my life has been full of white Utahns who know Italian. Especially one in particular... That's right! Emily has finally progressed to developing a crush on a boy! Who knows where this will lead. At least I know I'm not asexual. ;)

You want a job with that?

For all of my friends who have wondered how long I could annoy them by saying I'm getting a job and not getting one, the end is in sight. Actually you have already hit the brick wall because today was my first day of getting paid for a job you clock in at. And just what glorious position of work does Emily have? I am a CASHIER GIRL. :) I'm actually really excited. I will be getting paid. On a regular basis. Real money. It won't be 100 bucks for 80 hours a week (*ahem Millbrook* though I love it). I will be working at the Cougar Express. It's this checkout place that people can by a drink or a bag of chips at. And because I'm working there I will see everyone on campus. I'll be the hottie in the hairnet.

I've decided that as much as Utah is ragged on, it's a pretty cool place. There is so much to do, and the people are awesome. It's great to play a flirt again. And, I love my roommates. I'll miss having my sister out here with me. She seems to fit in so well with my ward. Okay so I have so much to do today and yet I'm blogging. I think I'm in denial that summer is drawing to an end. I have a lot of mixed feelings about that. Namely, I can't be lazy.

Oh, and because I love them so much here's another list of why I'm really happy with the way my job is working out right now.

1. The hours. My schedule is insane. I really want to be an acting major so I didn't want something that would absorb all my time. Just a little supplementary job. Six hours plus all the subbing I can choose from is plenty for me.
2. I can take all the classes I planned on taking.
3. I can still go to Devotional.
4. I can audit Norwegian. ;)
5. I will be paid a decent amount.
6. I won't be around food every day. Only the days I'm subbing so I won't smell like hamburgers. Not that there's anything wrong with hamburgers; I just don't think it'll will be Elizabeth Taylor's next perfume line.

Why procrastination sucks

So I have these friends who have successfully gotten away with procrastination for... well, a long time now; and, I don't know I thought maybe just maybe I would try it. I did this for a number of reasons. One becuase of what I was delaying. I fly out from PA to Mormonville tomorrow. No, today! (As it's 12:30 at night and my sister and I fly out of Baltimore at 6 pm.) And, packing always seems so final. Two maybe everything would magically arrange itself in my suitcase at the last minute and I wouldn't have to face the fact that I won't see some of the most amazing people in the world for another four and a half months. I think I'm beginning to see what I'm really blogging about. It's not procrastination. Even though I discovered that it definitely doesn't work for me. It's leaving all of this behind. Sappy, sappy, Emily. Good grief.

On some positive notes. I came back from the shore a darker shade of fair. This can only be determined by putting my arm next to my stomach. Yeah, the whole two-piece scandal fell through. I really have no guts. Another is the memories I have. My mom being "attacked" by a wave and jumping into my beach chair for protection. This attempt to save herself not only failed miserably but it resulted in her getting a huge bruise on her leg and the two of us toppled in a heap on the beach. We were covered in sand and let's say indecently readjusted in our swimwear. Of course it's much funnier to hear my mom tell the story. She is a character. I'll miss that. And, I'm really happy I can say that I'll miss that. Another great memory of the beach trip is watching my supposedly frugal brother (ha) waste all of his money on one of those vending machine claw things. He did get a dollar bill out of it. (After spending five.) And he was going to take the dollar back home and wave it in our faces to prove that the game could be beat, but then the kid that went next to him put in a quarter and on his first try got five bucks out of the machine. My brother never came back with the dollar. Or anything else for that matter. The dweeb. Boy I love him. :)

So I think I'm getting sentimental again and normally I could care less if I put anyone through the cheesy good stuff, but I'm feeling exceptionally raw tonight. Too much going on that I've had to leave unsaid for tonight. Too much to think about. And, too mono-annoyed of a body to stay awake any longer for all of this. You know I love ya.

A Very Merry July

To the beach my family is venturing. We survived the pre-vacation packing. Huzzah! Though the entire time I felt like Lucille 2 from Arrested Development. Vertigo/Mono-- it's one and the same. I figured out how I got mono. I did get it from a boy. Not from kissing, from sharing the same darn drink. So life lesson to be learned: boys really do have cooties.

I can't believe that I'll be back in Utah so soon. School's in a month. Gross. I have so much to do. Having mono has been an enlightening experience. I really don't know how to relax and when to slow down. I've also become really aware of my spleen.

Things I want to do while at the beach:

1. Lay in the wonderful, wonderful sun.
2. Tan in a two-piece. (A little scandalous, this I know.)
3. Read. Specifically Harry Potter, though I've been having mixed feelings about reading it. I love the book. But I am knowing I'll have to wait another two years for another and then the series will end.
4. Eat my fill of seafood. I can't afford it while in college. Bless those wonderful parents for allowing me to mooch so much of it now.

Send me a comment for more wonderful beach bum ideas.

The Kissing Disease

No. This is not Emily announcing her desire for men and their lips. (Even though that is never too far from her thoughts.) This is her announcement that she has mono. So before my dear friends stop inviting me places or coming to see me because they think I am infectious here are some things they should know.

1. Mono is contracted 30 days before the symptoms appear. Before a scapegoat is hung, none of you PA people gave it to me. You can relax.
2. There is nothing anyone can do to avoid getting mono. Oh sure you can stop kissing people. (For you lucky jerks who get all the action-- why quit when you're ahead? :) ) You can not share sodas. But mono can be picked up from just breathing. And, since 85% of the population are carrying the virus as we speak, it's pretty hard to guess who not to speak to. Unless anyone wants to live like Jake Gyllenhall in Bubble Boy it's best to get over the paranoia. If you haven't contracted mono already you will. Might as well hang around me so you can get it before school starts. (I'm kidding. I'm not infectious now.)
3. Compared to rheumatic fever, the black lung *cough* (Mmm. Derek Zoolander), lukemia, and emphezema, mono is relatively mild.
4. Symptoms can be misinterpreted as Strep or a spider bite (both I have experience with so it was an easy misdiagnosis).
5. I'm alive, doing fine, wishing I could run around, but seeing all the movies people have made me all my life for never seeing. I'm taking recommendations.

There it is to a T. What's funny is the only symptom I do not have is being continually tired. Luckyyyy. Actually not being tired is driving me crazy. I feel like I should be running around, playing with my cousins, the works. But no... I'm stuck in a couch. Couches I've determined are death. Well, they're boring. Sometimes my temperature spikes up. That always makes me tired. Yay for hot flashes and cold spells. Being sick with mono is like being on that acid trip I'll never take.

Well, I'm breaking the first Mono-Recovery Commandment:

THOU SHALT SLEEP

I need to get some zzzs. If anyone needs me I'll be self-medicating with Arrested Development on DVD, Anna Karenina (see former blog), and Harry Potter. Or I'll be redirecting the Emily Burnworth/Johnny Depp collaboration of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. But that's a whole other blog...

Who wants to be Russian?

Certain friends of mine have inspired me to try the Honors Program again. In an attempt to get into it again I decided to read Anna Karenina. I figured if its good enough for Oprah its good enough for me. (I don't really base all of my decisions off of that woman. I had wanted to read Anna Karenina before.) Well, all I have to say is Tolstoy is deceptive. I read The Death of Ivan Illych last year and it was a quick read. Needless to say I didn't know Anna was an epic 900 pages. I should have known better; I mean, Tolstoy did write War and Peace.

I didn't like Ivan so I don't really know why I took a crack at Anna Karenina. There was something about a screaming, dying man that just didn't do it for me in Ivan. But Anna is surprisingly good. I'm trying to read 100 pages a day, which is a lot easier to do when a book is not like reading a driver's manual... or pilot light instructions. :) My favorite book is also by a Russian--Crime and Punishment. So now I just want to eat Borscht and listen to my friends who served Russian-speaking missions. Plus, it's awesome that Russians have about six names. I would be referred to as Emily Diane, Emmie, Emilia Diana, and Evelyn Daphne (that shows how random they are sometimes). Go land of the Rus!

Inadequacies

I'm home. It felt so good to see Caitlin, Jackie, Sheila, and Brian today. It amazes me that six months have passed since I have seen them last. So much has happened in that time and despite all of the change that has occurred in our lives, talking to them is like sinking into my favorite easy chair. Not that my friends are easy. ;)

I know that I should never compare my own progress in life to anyone else's, but sometimes I find it difficult to not feel like a slug. Some of my new friends amaze me. They are the types that are pulling a zillion different degrees in college, maintaining a 4.0, applying to grad schools at places most people dream of, running their own non-profit organizations, upholding church callings, working, being in plays, and still managing to have dance parties in their apartments. I love them; they challenge me and make me focus on what is important to me in my life. I don't know. I guess I wonder what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Where am I supposed to be? I've got all these loose ends that I don't tie up because I'm not sure which ones should be tied.

Tomorrow I want to go swimming. I want to go to the library and check out some books for my Honors requirements. I want to go hiking. I want to talk to my sister. I want to prepare my devotional for Sunday evening. I want to go see Caitlin's show. I want to call a close counselor friend of mine and ask if I can volunteer for any of her programs.

Somethings bound to succeed. I'll figure out what I"m supposed to do somehow.