Untitled Reasoning

I'm always amazed at the power people have to hurt and help others. Sometimes I wonder which I am doing.

Branded

Van Gogh sacrificed it for a lover. I sacrificed it for one too. My show Sarah Plain and Tall. The top of my ear is burnt off. On Tuesday the girl curling my hair burnt the side of my face and my ear badly. Yesterday as I was tucking a strand of hair behind my ear I felt something fall off. A chunk of my ear. Disgusting yes. Humourous yes. Do I want my ear back? Yes. Do I let anyone curl my hair now? No!

Today's version of Emily

My ex is ....
Maybe I should ... stop procrastinating and go take my shower for the day.
I love ... good girlfriends and kissing boys.
I don't understand ... why I can't get over my present illness.
I lost my ... drive for good grades in biology.
People would say that I'm ... driven, crazy, and passionate.
Sex is ... honestly on the brain.
Love is ... negotiable. To quote Lori. And to quote me... somewhere in my future.
Somewhere, someone is ... wanting me to be happy with everything in my life.
I will always ... love my best friends, but especially Rob for teaching me about life.
Forever is ... what I'm creating.
I think the current President is ... screwing over our educational system.
I woke up this morning ... in pain and wanting to stay wrapped in the my mexican comforter.
Life is full of ... memories and 4:30 am denny's runs
My past ... creates a large part of who I am
I get annoyed when ... I fall short of expectations. Especially my own.
I wish ... I listened to my heart more.
My dog ... is far away from me.
Tomorrow I'm going to ... get up and relish the sun.
I have no tolerance for people who ... hurt me over and over again.
If I had a million dollars I would ... invest some and take a couple thousand and spend the summer in New Zealand.
Sometimes I want to ... go skinnydipping.
Home is ... I honestly don't know. Bits and pieces of things and places.
We are ... people of purpose and forever dreamers.
This weekend ... I will perform in front at least a hundred people.
I understand ... that everyone is beautifully different.
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise.

Gone with the wind

Every bad emotion and negative thought I feel right now is going to be released to cyberworld. What's been done has been done. All I can control is today and its individual moments.

The Lusty Month of May

To borrow from the tried and true classic Camelot.

I've decided that if such a weakness/illness/or whateverness exists such as spring fever I have it. All symptoms and strands of the virus. The weather here is insanely beautiful. So much so that I have been motivated to start running outside again. (This has served as a humbling experience because I have now discovered how out of shape I am and how different running inside is than running outside. No matter. It's beautiful and it makes me feel great. Once I've finished or made it past the uphill portion of my run.) I'm changing from my pasty skin to my freckly slightly brownish color. I love freckles. People actually want to go outside and do something. We blow off their spring homework assignments right and left. And we do it freely with the excuse "Life is short and so is nice weather."

But probably the strand of spring fever I've got the most has to do with boys. Which I don't think is unusual for most people, but it certainly caught me off guard. I recently called my Dad and he actually asked me if I had a boyfriend. I don't, but I think its funny that he heard an extra bounce in my speech. We'll see what becomes of it. For now I'm going to enjoy the weather, good company, procrastination, my show, playing outside, and the craziness that the male gender presents. May is by far my favorite month.

Missing me

I once wrote a poem based off the emotions I felt from listening to a particular song with a particular someone. Most of my friends will know the context of which I'm speaking. And the friends that don't are the new ones that haven't really been exposed to a part of my life that used to be a huge white elephant in the room. I'm going to put the lyrics here. Because I really feel them right now. I mean every inch of me feels them right now.

In the shadow of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
The line moves slowly past the electric fence
Across the borders between continents

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the shadowm of tall buildings
The architecture is slowly peeling
Marble statues and glass dividers
Someone is watching all of the outsiders
The line moves slowly through the numbered gate
Past the mosaic of the head of state

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the shadow of tall buildings
Of open arches endlessly kneeling
Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
Someone is listening from a safe distance
The line moves slowly into a fading light
A final moment in the dead of night

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is


I just am not sure where I'm supposed to be right now. Where is home? I know that doing this show is right. I am always so happy during rehearsal. Perhaps a little too happy because it is so close to a reality that in many ways I cannot have. I don't know what classes I want to take spring if I even want to take any. I miss my family and they all want me to come home for summer semester. But if I do that I won't be able to afford the fall semester. It's really frustrating because its the last summer I'll have to spend with my brother for almost three years.

In all of this is a suffering definition of myself. I know what career I want, but I want a life of experiences to build it out of.

I'm still loved

So the whole time I was leaving messages on people's blogs and they weren't responding was ignorance on my part. See why technology and not people hate me. :)

Headline: Cavewoman gets electrocuted!

Why am I technologically stupid?

Why don't I know how to create the cool extra side headings that everyone else has?!!!

If you chance to meet a frown...

Somethings are easy to predict. Examples: Red sails at night sailors' delight... The ball dropping on New Year's. Fake smiles from Flight Attendants. That village in Germany holding their annual gratitude pageant from being spared from war. Underage kids sneaking into an R-rated movie. How the weather affects Emily's mood. Sun, sun, warmth, warmth, and then somebody upstairs thinking it would be funny to all of a sudden make it drizzily and cold. Blech.

Today was just one of those days. I hate it when my acting confidence is shaken. First it annoys me when it happens. Second, try as I might it affects--at least on a minor scale--my day. Third, it makes me more conscious of myself which makes me suck even more. I guess the worst is when you feel like you did a really good job and you were originally told that and then you watch yourself in class and all of a sudden everything that you were directed to do and were complimented on is shredded to little bits. The hardest thing is as actors we have to roll with the punches. We have to take every ounce of criticism and grow from it. Even if that criticism is hogwash (and I'm not hinting that this criticism was at all) we still have to process it as crap. It still affects us. There's so much involved. And just when I feel like I'm finally connecting with my body... smack... I'm told those impulses are fabricated. It was a pretty sucky feeling.

On a lighter note I had one of the best weekends in spite of how busy it was. Well, except for the Kenneth Cope fireside that I knew would be portentous and knew I would dislike, felt obligated to attend, felt forced to feel the spirit and hated for his sake that I didn't want to be there. But other than that my weekend was pretty great. I still can't wipe this giddy smile off of my face. :) I had one of the best dating experiences I have ever had. For the first time I felt completely myself. I didn't feel like I was holding back to "play the game." I felt comfortable and listened to and appreciated. It was so nice. Even if this doesn't go anywhere (and I'm not sure where and if it would go) it let me know that I don't have to feel awkward and uncomfortable on a date. I should never not be me. So thanks to the person that gave me that. If you ever read this you know who you are. :)

Sarah ugly and stupid

Thanks for the new title. And for the wonderful compliments. You sure are the charmer. I should probably abuse you in our scene instead of the other way around. (In case any of you still have doubts over my sarcastic ability-that was my latest attempt.)

And "plain" in the sense of this show means "I just plain can't keep my hands off her." Yeah. ;)

Love unrequited

If I stopped loving you would it be easier
to breathe, to sleep, to smile?
Would you want to sing again?
Would you forget how to cry?
Would the pain of my existence
diminish from your mind?
Would every moment I've said your name
be bandaged with a little time?

Perhaps I've clung on foolishly
to the branches of a dead dream.
And maybe the only half of me left
is a lie I cannot get out from underneath.
The blanketing comfort of imagined love
is suffocating the life we once had planned.
I promise I will learn to let you go
when every inch of me says I can't.

I am my own evil twin

So I recongize there are problems with saying no to a guy.

1) It wounds his self-esteem.
2) It makes you seem like a jerk.
3) It deters other guys from asking you out.
4) It makes him belive he is an unattractive person which is an unfair assumption of both parties

When what you're really thinking is...

1) I am so freakin' busy this weekend
2) I truly do not see this going anywhere and would feel guilty having him spend money on me.
3) We have very little in common.

Oh and one more reason why saying no sucks...

It makes people judge your sexual orientation. Which again is unfair to EVERYONE. Not just the two parties involved.

More than this

Do you know what I see when you smile?

Jan. 24 2005 Post

How I've grown. :)

"I have an intermediate acting class this semester, and I have to admit that it is transforming me in ways I never would have imagined. We have done two excercises that have made me come out from behind my shell of... well whatever the heck it is (politeness, timidness, somethingness). Today the opening improv game was called "Argument Bump." All of the students walked around the classroom and when we accidently brushed (or bumped into) another person we had to get in a spontaneous argument with he or she. I am admitedly nonconfrontational and to be forced to let out all and any rage in a safe environment where if I let a few choice words slip out no one will judge me (For those of you reading this who are still judging me... get over it. I didn't swear.) was the most exhilaring, peaceful, and rejuvenating experience ever. The other excercise we did was called the vulnerability excercise. I won't take the time to explain suffice it to say that I was not allowed to hide behind anything. I had to be willing to let people see me, every sweet and/or damnable part. This is something I have been trying to do more of. Letting people see me for who I am and allowing them to decide if it's someone they want to get to know. It's a hard thing to do, because what if they choose to say no thanks.

I'm such a girl. I wonder if guys think about these things. Then again, I wonder if most people think these things or if I'm just a chronic worrier/people pleaser. I'm even partway censoring my blog. See "sweet and/or damnable part." It's not even swearing and yet I tried to find a different word for damnable. Sometimes I wonder what God thinks of all my thought processes (and moderate liberalities). I think He's thinking I need to get some sleep and stop rambling."

Hoi polloi

I have no idea what I think about people right now. Why do we fail over and over again? How is it that I can be so passionate about my understanding of others and fall short in seeing beyond their adjectival description? Why do I care so much? About everything.

Do you ever look outside and think about all of the millions of things going on around you? Do you think about all of the thoughts that scuttle through your brain at 100mph in a five minute period? Do all of these things and my relationship to them compose me? Am I something more than that? Do I see others as more than these things?

I love rhetorical questions. I think I should change my blog title to something like "The Rhetoric of the Mind." Wouldn't that be hokey? :) I love people. I'm confused and driven crazy and invest too much of myself in them but I love them. I want to be a part of their lives. I want them to be a part of mine. This is sounding a little like a love affair or stalker infatuation. Hmm. Maybe it's a little of both.

I have a class right now that is loaded with personalities. Every single person is exceptionately different from everyone else. It's strange. When you cram us all in a room together for hours on end the dynamics are fascinating. There are people that subconciously crave attention. There are listeners. People who are quietly observing everyone. There are people who like to say things just to tick people off. You can't help but wondering how much of a personality is a result of their pure essence of being or the result of their enculturation.

...Warm Poo

So I realized I have become a lazy blogger... not only because I rarely ever post but because when I do I put down random poems and quotes and slap what I must of thought at the moment was a witty or "lyrical" title. Gag. It's 10:34 at night and I have a ton of crud to do. Hence the title. (Well, there's more to the title but I don't know how up to explaining it I feel.)

Why am I procrastinating yet again? Because I live in two worlds. It's a Jekyll and Hyde situation but I really don't know if the good guy/bad guy lines are drawn out so neatly. I've pidgeonholed myself in being the good student. I don't just mean in grades but mentality. It's exhausting because I keep adding more responsibilities and trying to give 100% at all of them. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that I'm tiring myself out and not being able to give as much as I want to. After all there is only so much of the pie to divide up and geometry was never really my thing anyway. Back to procrastination. It's a drug in some ways because I convince the Jekyll part of me that I will get my assignments done while the Hyde part is feeling all bad ass because I'm delaying getting it done.

So in an effort to reprioritize my life once again here is my list of things I want to do:

1. Put my heart and soul into Sarah, Plain and Tall because I feel so privileged to have a title character and want to give her as much substance as she deserves. Plus, I'm thrilled about the cast, director, and designers. It should be a great experience. I feel that and I want to contribute to the cause.
2. Continue to be a part of the Thrillionaires... even if it means a temporary sabatical while I do the Sarah thing. I LOVE improv.
3. Forget life for a week and go to California. Because a) I've never been b) Laura will make for an amazing traveling companion c) why the heck not?
4. See the rest of the films that were nominated for Academy awards. This is an ambitious goal. I at least want to hit all of the best pictures.
5. Get a new swimsuit and get a tan. (Ambitious. I know) Even if it means I'm one of those girls people in the Ward gossip about because they go to some secluded portion of a park and lay out. Hey! I love Vitamin D.

I think in my true blogging fashion I have ended randomly. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more coherent and I can provide a better retraction for the material in my blog.

The lyrics of life

A song we sang in sixth grade

Sail Away

My grandfather journeyed like so many others
he sailed with the west and the sun.
He sailed out of Bristol along with his brothers
a new world was there to be won.
He'd heard of the mountains in far Colorado
where eagles flew free in the air.
He'd find a high mountain and live in its shadow
for something was calling him there.

Sail away, away to America
far off over the sea.
There is something there in America
and it's calling for me.

Now what he took with him was what he could carry
his books and an old violin.
And, sailing there with him, the girl he would marry,
a new life was there to begin.
My mother was born there not many years after
and all of her sisters as well.
And all of the years, all the tears, and the laughter
are there in the stories they tell.

Sail away, away to America
far off over the sea.
There is something there in America
and it's calling for me.



One of my favorite poems

Ask Me by William Stafford

Sometime when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden, and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that thold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

The result of single's ward FHEs

A love poem written about me by my engaged "Dad"

As 9:45pm of Dec. 14 approaches
our steak marinates in the saucese
that will in flame our passion
over the grill of our satisfaction

Though, I be not Spiderman
and flyinlg through the air
is too much for me
I can be that normal man
to catch you in my web
and then set you free.

(All the original punctuation of Phil... It was quite the experience)

Surviving Valentine's Day

Well, I made through another day dedicated to the colors red, pink, and white. All during work I kept asking people if they knew the true reason we celebrate this holiday. Sorry Paul Harvey I guess nobody cares enough about the Saint.

On the other hand it was a really surprising V-Day. At eight-thirty I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and Meag was doing Pilates in the living room when there was a knock at out door. She runs into the bathroom and says, "Em. There is a really attractive guy at our door asking for you." So I run out of the bathroom, slowly saunter across the living room (I'm cool), and notice that the person at the door IS really attractive. Unfortunately, I don't know him. He asks, "Are you Emily?" Yes, I am. "This is for you." He hands me this big basket full of Valentine's Day-ish things. It's got Martinelli's, a box of chocolates, some Toblerone candy bars, Hershey's Kisses, those sugar hearts with messages, a teddy bear, all of that. Then this guy reads me this card. It says: "To Emily From A tall, dark, and/or handsome guy" In a moment of boldness I said as sexily as I could. So... you wouldn't happen to be the 'tall, dark, and/or handsome guy' would you? "No ma'am. I'm just the delivery boy." Oh. Well, could you tell me something more about this person? "Sorry. I'm not at liberty to say anything more than what's written on the card." Okay. "Here's our card if you ever want to do business in the future." Thanks. And the delivery boy leaves.

I have no idea who it could be. Okay... well I had some guesses but so far they've turned out wrong. So whoever this mystery guy is or girl... it could be a tall, dark, and/or handsome person... they've maintained their mystery. Although I would love to lift the shroud. :)

As far as the rest of my Valentine's day... I wrote a huge paper. Blech. Ate at Panda Express for the first time. ...And went to practice for this Improv troupe that I am in and love! So all in all a day packed full of activities. And questions.

The ebb and flow of emotion

To feel again in my heart actual desires for another person was amazing. It was as if I was being permitted to experience again the excitement of emotion. It had been so long that I initially felt that. But, like everything else in life it was a bittersweet moment. I remember now what it is to like someone and have it not be returned. And, even if my interest were recipricated for his interest to be complicated in the briars of life. I remember what it's like to love (even on a minor scale) and I remember what it's like to long.