1. I will start every day grateful for the innonence and freshness of it.
2. I will create opportunities to meet new people and develop new relationships.
3. I will strengthen the friendships I value most.
4. I will pray. Often. And I will try to pray more out of gratitude than out of want.
5. I will be happy with who I am and realize the potential I have to be better.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Silencing the Innocent
Thoughts can be destruction in its simplest form.
Missing you could be a terminal end.
Missing you could be a terminal end.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Slurring my sleep
I'm to the point where sleep is continually seducing me. I feel like I'm in a Michel Gondry film. Where the dream is the reality I wish to stay in.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Somedays I forget to forget
A long goodbye
Are we kissing? Your presence presses upon me,
the way it did when your lips brushed mine.
And I feel your hands pulling at my hair
telling me that I feel alright.
The distance maintains, a whisper of want,
the way it did when you refused to taste me.
You, afraid to be completely naked so I could
enrobe you in my vulnerability.
Blinking eyelashes. They are the beat of breath
Snagged on your three day stubble and blinked
laughingly at the closeness of your nose.
They shelter me from your emotional tide.
Biting at me. Why do you soothe my smile?
It only relaxes the muscles and leaves them
fatigued from lifting the corners of your gaze.
Teeth that mock the nearness we never shared.
How many poems will I write before I erase the memory of you?
How many days without you before you're not in my mind?
How long will I wonder about your future and think about your family?
How long before I don't hear your voice singing with mine?
How many days before we're free of stress and pain?
How long before you and I are friends again?
Originally I wrote the above in prose, well... tried. It naturally fell into rhyme. Go figure.
And contrary to what may be thought my poetry, while inspired today, is not emoted linearly.
Are we kissing? Your presence presses upon me,
the way it did when your lips brushed mine.
And I feel your hands pulling at my hair
telling me that I feel alright.
The distance maintains, a whisper of want,
the way it did when you refused to taste me.
You, afraid to be completely naked so I could
enrobe you in my vulnerability.
Blinking eyelashes. They are the beat of breath
Snagged on your three day stubble and blinked
laughingly at the closeness of your nose.
They shelter me from your emotional tide.
Biting at me. Why do you soothe my smile?
It only relaxes the muscles and leaves them
fatigued from lifting the corners of your gaze.
Teeth that mock the nearness we never shared.
How many poems will I write before I erase the memory of you?
How many days without you before you're not in my mind?
How long will I wonder about your future and think about your family?
How long before I don't hear your voice singing with mine?
How many days before we're free of stress and pain?
How long before you and I are friends again?
Originally I wrote the above in prose, well... tried. It naturally fell into rhyme. Go figure.
And contrary to what may be thought my poetry, while inspired today, is not emoted linearly.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Still
You tricked me.
I was somewhere between your thigh and your hands
when you were making inaudible promises.
The distraction of discovering and being discovered
was more than reparte. It was brash, gutsy, and
right. It was us discovering how we fit together.
Or if we fit at all.
My thoughts were innocently
yours to have. But you twisted them
until I could not untangle you from my mind.
Somewhere my breath was inhaling yours.
What else did it have to reassure it that
you were as dependent upon me as I was
on the idea of you.
I might see you in my present past. And
I'll choke on the memory of the morse code
on every taste bud. A reminder
that with a soft gaze and a gentle touch
I was stranded in the eye of your storm.
How long can I remain immovable?
To be raged upon and tossed aside?
Until your sunrise streaks my face
or until I recapture my fragile self.
I was somewhere between your thigh and your hands
when you were making inaudible promises.
The distraction of discovering and being discovered
was more than reparte. It was brash, gutsy, and
right. It was us discovering how we fit together.
Or if we fit at all.
My thoughts were innocently
yours to have. But you twisted them
until I could not untangle you from my mind.
Somewhere my breath was inhaling yours.
What else did it have to reassure it that
you were as dependent upon me as I was
on the idea of you.
I might see you in my present past. And
I'll choke on the memory of the morse code
on every taste bud. A reminder
that with a soft gaze and a gentle touch
I was stranded in the eye of your storm.
How long can I remain immovable?
To be raged upon and tossed aside?
Until your sunrise streaks my face
or until I recapture my fragile self.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Goodbye?
The most amazing thing about breaking up with someone is that at the very moment where you are telling them that you can no longer be with them because it hurts too much, you want them to reach out, hold you, cradle you, love you. You want to share your feelings with someone and have them tell you its okay. But, how is it possible when the person who's loving you is killing the joy you have for life.
That sounds exceptionally fatalistic. But, I'm emotionally raw. I want to have the desire to do the right thing. I know what I'm supposed to do. I've done it. Now, I want to feel like it was right.
That sounds exceptionally fatalistic. But, I'm emotionally raw. I want to have the desire to do the right thing. I know what I'm supposed to do. I've done it. Now, I want to feel like it was right.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Someday
Someday I won't be so naive to believe that I am loved.
Unconditionally.
Someday, I will know that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
And I won't care.
Because I won't be comparing myself to past lovers.
Someday I'll kiss someone so deeply I'll cry for every person
that missed the opportunity.
Someday I will develop calluses.
I'll still feel.
But life won't hurt so much.
I wish I could give you everything you want. I wish I could get everything I need. But, unfortunately we struggle. We're one and the same. I wish I had it in me to kiss you. But, I won't because I feel it too much.
Unconditionally.
Someday, I will know that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
And I won't care.
Because I won't be comparing myself to past lovers.
Someday I'll kiss someone so deeply I'll cry for every person
that missed the opportunity.
Someday I will develop calluses.
I'll still feel.
But life won't hurt so much.
I wish I could give you everything you want. I wish I could get everything I need. But, unfortunately we struggle. We're one and the same. I wish I had it in me to kiss you. But, I won't because I feel it too much.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
Where my voice finds rest
Dream Deferred
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore --
and then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load
Or does it explode?
- Langston Hughes
All that can be expected of me is my best. And yet sometimes all I want is to know that someone loves me when I fall so short of even that.
Life is Fine
I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.
I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.
But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!
I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.
I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.
But it was High up there! It was high!
So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born
Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.
Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!
-Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore --
and then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load
Or does it explode?
- Langston Hughes
All that can be expected of me is my best. And yet sometimes all I want is to know that someone loves me when I fall so short of even that.
Life is Fine
I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.
I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.
But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!
I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.
I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.
But it was High up there! It was high!
So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born
Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.
Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!
-Langston Hughes
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Poem in process
I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
his anger has consumed any passion I once enshrouded myself in
I am engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
I could leave this capsized shell if only i knew how
would it be worth it to frame the gaze
that left me balled and rooted to the floor?
i should stay here and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time
I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
his anger has consumed the passion i once enshrouded myself in
i could leave this capsized shell in only i knew how
would it be worth it to frame his paralyzing gaze?
it's useless to stay and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
I should rise up from my balled and rooted place on the floor.
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time
his anger has consumed any passion I once enshrouded myself in
I am engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
I could leave this capsized shell if only i knew how
would it be worth it to frame the gaze
that left me balled and rooted to the floor?
i should stay here and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time
I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
his anger has consumed the passion i once enshrouded myself in
i could leave this capsized shell in only i knew how
would it be worth it to frame his paralyzing gaze?
it's useless to stay and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
I should rise up from my balled and rooted place on the floor.
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Unsent
I recently downloaded Alanis Morissette's song Unsent. I have this self-destructive tendency to listen to music that allows me to wallow in overwhelming thoughts and emotions. I think people like me have solely supported the successful music careers of Sarah McLachlan and Jewel. I've been trying to understand why I love feeling like I'm drowning in emotion. I think sometimes I just need to hear from someone else the sound of loneliness, unrequited love, and charitable sweetness. I'm just going to include the lyrics. I played the song for my sister and mentioned the guy that was applicable to me in each verse. She laughed because they fit so perfectly. And then she got quiet. It's that ebb and flow of emotional understanding that often can only be conveyed through music and free lyricism.
Unsent - Alanis Morissette
Dear Matthew: I like you a lot.
I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now
and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to
come visit me in California I would be
open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were
when you wrote your first song
Dear Jonathan: I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
and think solely about themselves and you were
plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday
Dear Terrance: I love you muchly
you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive an-
and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to
fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the
best platform from which to jump beyond myself
what was wrong with me
Dear Marcus: You rocked my world
you had a charismatic way about you with the women
and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't
let me get away with kicking my own ass
but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
and that stopped us from going any furter than we did
and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun
Dear Lou: We learned so much
I realise we won't be able to talk for some time
and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could
we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career your whereabouts
I know I have a hard time letting go or even wanting to let go. I know that I love self-destructively. I know that I want the kind of relationship that I have with the ocean. Gritty, clear, surprising, natural, inspiring, mysterious, and tidal.
Dear ______: I tried not to care.
I realise you haven't thought about me the way that I have you.
Probably for your benefit and mine. And if I
let myself get caught up in your smile, your laugh, your eyes then I would
never move beyond this stagnant place I'm in
I never wanted to overcloud the simplicity of our friendship
but sometimes life just creeps up on me.
Unsent - Alanis Morissette
Dear Matthew: I like you a lot.
I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now
and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to
come visit me in California I would be
open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were
when you wrote your first song
Dear Jonathan: I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
and think solely about themselves and you were
plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday
Dear Terrance: I love you muchly
you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive an-
and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to
fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the
best platform from which to jump beyond myself
what was wrong with me
Dear Marcus: You rocked my world
you had a charismatic way about you with the women
and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't
let me get away with kicking my own ass
but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
and that stopped us from going any furter than we did
and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun
Dear Lou: We learned so much
I realise we won't be able to talk for some time
and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could
we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career your whereabouts
I know I have a hard time letting go or even wanting to let go. I know that I love self-destructively. I know that I want the kind of relationship that I have with the ocean. Gritty, clear, surprising, natural, inspiring, mysterious, and tidal.
Dear ______: I tried not to care.
I realise you haven't thought about me the way that I have you.
Probably for your benefit and mine. And if I
let myself get caught up in your smile, your laugh, your eyes then I would
never move beyond this stagnant place I'm in
I never wanted to overcloud the simplicity of our friendship
but sometimes life just creeps up on me.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Untitled Reasoning
I'm always amazed at the power people have to hurt and help others. Sometimes I wonder which I am doing.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Branded
Van Gogh sacrificed it for a lover. I sacrificed it for one too. My show Sarah Plain and Tall. The top of my ear is burnt off. On Tuesday the girl curling my hair burnt the side of my face and my ear badly. Yesterday as I was tucking a strand of hair behind my ear I felt something fall off. A chunk of my ear. Disgusting yes. Humourous yes. Do I want my ear back? Yes. Do I let anyone curl my hair now? No!
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Today's version of Emily
My ex is ....
Maybe I should ... stop procrastinating and go take my shower for the day.
I love ... good girlfriends and kissing boys.
I don't understand ... why I can't get over my present illness.
I lost my ... drive for good grades in biology.
People would say that I'm ... driven, crazy, and passionate.
Sex is ... honestly on the brain.
Love is ... negotiable. To quote Lori. And to quote me... somewhere in my future.
Somewhere, someone is ... wanting me to be happy with everything in my life.
I will always ... love my best friends, but especially Rob for teaching me about life.
Forever is ... what I'm creating.
I think the current President is ... screwing over our educational system.
I woke up this morning ... in pain and wanting to stay wrapped in the my mexican comforter.
Life is full of ... memories and 4:30 am denny's runs
My past ... creates a large part of who I am
I get annoyed when ... I fall short of expectations. Especially my own.
I wish ... I listened to my heart more.
My dog ... is far away from me.
Tomorrow I'm going to ... get up and relish the sun.
I have no tolerance for people who ... hurt me over and over again.
If I had a million dollars I would ... invest some and take a couple thousand and spend the summer in New Zealand.
Sometimes I want to ... go skinnydipping.
Home is ... I honestly don't know. Bits and pieces of things and places.
We are ... people of purpose and forever dreamers.
This weekend ... I will perform in front at least a hundred people.
I understand ... that everyone is beautifully different.
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise.
Maybe I should ... stop procrastinating and go take my shower for the day.
I love ... good girlfriends and kissing boys.
I don't understand ... why I can't get over my present illness.
I lost my ... drive for good grades in biology.
People would say that I'm ... driven, crazy, and passionate.
Sex is ... honestly on the brain.
Love is ... negotiable. To quote Lori. And to quote me... somewhere in my future.
Somewhere, someone is ... wanting me to be happy with everything in my life.
I will always ... love my best friends, but especially Rob for teaching me about life.
Forever is ... what I'm creating.
I think the current President is ... screwing over our educational system.
I woke up this morning ... in pain and wanting to stay wrapped in the my mexican comforter.
Life is full of ... memories and 4:30 am denny's runs
My past ... creates a large part of who I am
I get annoyed when ... I fall short of expectations. Especially my own.
I wish ... I listened to my heart more.
My dog ... is far away from me.
Tomorrow I'm going to ... get up and relish the sun.
I have no tolerance for people who ... hurt me over and over again.
If I had a million dollars I would ... invest some and take a couple thousand and spend the summer in New Zealand.
Sometimes I want to ... go skinnydipping.
Home is ... I honestly don't know. Bits and pieces of things and places.
We are ... people of purpose and forever dreamers.
This weekend ... I will perform in front at least a hundred people.
I understand ... that everyone is beautifully different.
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Gone with the wind
Every bad emotion and negative thought I feel right now is going to be released to cyberworld. What's been done has been done. All I can control is today and its individual moments.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
The Lusty Month of May
To borrow from the tried and true classic Camelot.
I've decided that if such a weakness/illness/or whateverness exists such as spring fever I have it. All symptoms and strands of the virus. The weather here is insanely beautiful. So much so that I have been motivated to start running outside again. (This has served as a humbling experience because I have now discovered how out of shape I am and how different running inside is than running outside. No matter. It's beautiful and it makes me feel great. Once I've finished or made it past the uphill portion of my run.) I'm changing from my pasty skin to my freckly slightly brownish color. I love freckles. People actually want to go outside and do something. We blow off their spring homework assignments right and left. And we do it freely with the excuse "Life is short and so is nice weather."
But probably the strand of spring fever I've got the most has to do with boys. Which I don't think is unusual for most people, but it certainly caught me off guard. I recently called my Dad and he actually asked me if I had a boyfriend. I don't, but I think its funny that he heard an extra bounce in my speech. We'll see what becomes of it. For now I'm going to enjoy the weather, good company, procrastination, my show, playing outside, and the craziness that the male gender presents. May is by far my favorite month.
I've decided that if such a weakness/illness/or whateverness exists such as spring fever I have it. All symptoms and strands of the virus. The weather here is insanely beautiful. So much so that I have been motivated to start running outside again. (This has served as a humbling experience because I have now discovered how out of shape I am and how different running inside is than running outside. No matter. It's beautiful and it makes me feel great. Once I've finished or made it past the uphill portion of my run.) I'm changing from my pasty skin to my freckly slightly brownish color. I love freckles. People actually want to go outside and do something. We blow off their spring homework assignments right and left. And we do it freely with the excuse "Life is short and so is nice weather."
But probably the strand of spring fever I've got the most has to do with boys. Which I don't think is unusual for most people, but it certainly caught me off guard. I recently called my Dad and he actually asked me if I had a boyfriend. I don't, but I think its funny that he heard an extra bounce in my speech. We'll see what becomes of it. For now I'm going to enjoy the weather, good company, procrastination, my show, playing outside, and the craziness that the male gender presents. May is by far my favorite month.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Missing me
I once wrote a poem based off the emotions I felt from listening to a particular song with a particular someone. Most of my friends will know the context of which I'm speaking. And the friends that don't are the new ones that haven't really been exposed to a part of my life that used to be a huge white elephant in the room. I'm going to put the lyrics here. Because I really feel them right now. I mean every inch of me feels them right now.
In the shadow of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
The line moves slowly past the electric fence
Across the borders between continents
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadowm of tall buildings
The architecture is slowly peeling
Marble statues and glass dividers
Someone is watching all of the outsiders
The line moves slowly through the numbered gate
Past the mosaic of the head of state
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadow of tall buildings
Of open arches endlessly kneeling
Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
Someone is listening from a safe distance
The line moves slowly into a fading light
A final moment in the dead of night
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
I just am not sure where I'm supposed to be right now. Where is home? I know that doing this show is right. I am always so happy during rehearsal. Perhaps a little too happy because it is so close to a reality that in many ways I cannot have. I don't know what classes I want to take spring if I even want to take any. I miss my family and they all want me to come home for summer semester. But if I do that I won't be able to afford the fall semester. It's really frustrating because its the last summer I'll have to spend with my brother for almost three years.
In all of this is a suffering definition of myself. I know what career I want, but I want a life of experiences to build it out of.
In the shadow of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
The line moves slowly past the electric fence
Across the borders between continents
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadowm of tall buildings
The architecture is slowly peeling
Marble statues and glass dividers
Someone is watching all of the outsiders
The line moves slowly through the numbered gate
Past the mosaic of the head of state
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadow of tall buildings
Of open arches endlessly kneeling
Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
Someone is listening from a safe distance
The line moves slowly into a fading light
A final moment in the dead of night
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
I just am not sure where I'm supposed to be right now. Where is home? I know that doing this show is right. I am always so happy during rehearsal. Perhaps a little too happy because it is so close to a reality that in many ways I cannot have. I don't know what classes I want to take spring if I even want to take any. I miss my family and they all want me to come home for summer semester. But if I do that I won't be able to afford the fall semester. It's really frustrating because its the last summer I'll have to spend with my brother for almost three years.
In all of this is a suffering definition of myself. I know what career I want, but I want a life of experiences to build it out of.
I'm still loved
So the whole time I was leaving messages on people's blogs and they weren't responding was ignorance on my part. See why technology and not people hate me. :)
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Headline: Cavewoman gets electrocuted!
Why am I technologically stupid?
Why don't I know how to create the cool extra side headings that everyone else has?!!!
Why don't I know how to create the cool extra side headings that everyone else has?!!!
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