If you chance to meet a frown...

Somethings are easy to predict. Examples: Red sails at night sailors' delight... The ball dropping on New Year's. Fake smiles from Flight Attendants. That village in Germany holding their annual gratitude pageant from being spared from war. Underage kids sneaking into an R-rated movie. How the weather affects Emily's mood. Sun, sun, warmth, warmth, and then somebody upstairs thinking it would be funny to all of a sudden make it drizzily and cold. Blech.

Today was just one of those days. I hate it when my acting confidence is shaken. First it annoys me when it happens. Second, try as I might it affects--at least on a minor scale--my day. Third, it makes me more conscious of myself which makes me suck even more. I guess the worst is when you feel like you did a really good job and you were originally told that and then you watch yourself in class and all of a sudden everything that you were directed to do and were complimented on is shredded to little bits. The hardest thing is as actors we have to roll with the punches. We have to take every ounce of criticism and grow from it. Even if that criticism is hogwash (and I'm not hinting that this criticism was at all) we still have to process it as crap. It still affects us. There's so much involved. And just when I feel like I'm finally connecting with my body... smack... I'm told those impulses are fabricated. It was a pretty sucky feeling.

On a lighter note I had one of the best weekends in spite of how busy it was. Well, except for the Kenneth Cope fireside that I knew would be portentous and knew I would dislike, felt obligated to attend, felt forced to feel the spirit and hated for his sake that I didn't want to be there. But other than that my weekend was pretty great. I still can't wipe this giddy smile off of my face. :) I had one of the best dating experiences I have ever had. For the first time I felt completely myself. I didn't feel like I was holding back to "play the game." I felt comfortable and listened to and appreciated. It was so nice. Even if this doesn't go anywhere (and I'm not sure where and if it would go) it let me know that I don't have to feel awkward and uncomfortable on a date. I should never not be me. So thanks to the person that gave me that. If you ever read this you know who you are. :)

Sarah ugly and stupid

Thanks for the new title. And for the wonderful compliments. You sure are the charmer. I should probably abuse you in our scene instead of the other way around. (In case any of you still have doubts over my sarcastic ability-that was my latest attempt.)

And "plain" in the sense of this show means "I just plain can't keep my hands off her." Yeah. ;)

Love unrequited

If I stopped loving you would it be easier
to breathe, to sleep, to smile?
Would you want to sing again?
Would you forget how to cry?
Would the pain of my existence
diminish from your mind?
Would every moment I've said your name
be bandaged with a little time?

Perhaps I've clung on foolishly
to the branches of a dead dream.
And maybe the only half of me left
is a lie I cannot get out from underneath.
The blanketing comfort of imagined love
is suffocating the life we once had planned.
I promise I will learn to let you go
when every inch of me says I can't.

I am my own evil twin

So I recongize there are problems with saying no to a guy.

1) It wounds his self-esteem.
2) It makes you seem like a jerk.
3) It deters other guys from asking you out.
4) It makes him belive he is an unattractive person which is an unfair assumption of both parties

When what you're really thinking is...

1) I am so freakin' busy this weekend
2) I truly do not see this going anywhere and would feel guilty having him spend money on me.
3) We have very little in common.

Oh and one more reason why saying no sucks...

It makes people judge your sexual orientation. Which again is unfair to EVERYONE. Not just the two parties involved.

More than this

Do you know what I see when you smile?

Jan. 24 2005 Post

How I've grown. :)

"I have an intermediate acting class this semester, and I have to admit that it is transforming me in ways I never would have imagined. We have done two excercises that have made me come out from behind my shell of... well whatever the heck it is (politeness, timidness, somethingness). Today the opening improv game was called "Argument Bump." All of the students walked around the classroom and when we accidently brushed (or bumped into) another person we had to get in a spontaneous argument with he or she. I am admitedly nonconfrontational and to be forced to let out all and any rage in a safe environment where if I let a few choice words slip out no one will judge me (For those of you reading this who are still judging me... get over it. I didn't swear.) was the most exhilaring, peaceful, and rejuvenating experience ever. The other excercise we did was called the vulnerability excercise. I won't take the time to explain suffice it to say that I was not allowed to hide behind anything. I had to be willing to let people see me, every sweet and/or damnable part. This is something I have been trying to do more of. Letting people see me for who I am and allowing them to decide if it's someone they want to get to know. It's a hard thing to do, because what if they choose to say no thanks.

I'm such a girl. I wonder if guys think about these things. Then again, I wonder if most people think these things or if I'm just a chronic worrier/people pleaser. I'm even partway censoring my blog. See "sweet and/or damnable part." It's not even swearing and yet I tried to find a different word for damnable. Sometimes I wonder what God thinks of all my thought processes (and moderate liberalities). I think He's thinking I need to get some sleep and stop rambling."

Hoi polloi

I have no idea what I think about people right now. Why do we fail over and over again? How is it that I can be so passionate about my understanding of others and fall short in seeing beyond their adjectival description? Why do I care so much? About everything.

Do you ever look outside and think about all of the millions of things going on around you? Do you think about all of the thoughts that scuttle through your brain at 100mph in a five minute period? Do all of these things and my relationship to them compose me? Am I something more than that? Do I see others as more than these things?

I love rhetorical questions. I think I should change my blog title to something like "The Rhetoric of the Mind." Wouldn't that be hokey? :) I love people. I'm confused and driven crazy and invest too much of myself in them but I love them. I want to be a part of their lives. I want them to be a part of mine. This is sounding a little like a love affair or stalker infatuation. Hmm. Maybe it's a little of both.

I have a class right now that is loaded with personalities. Every single person is exceptionately different from everyone else. It's strange. When you cram us all in a room together for hours on end the dynamics are fascinating. There are people that subconciously crave attention. There are listeners. People who are quietly observing everyone. There are people who like to say things just to tick people off. You can't help but wondering how much of a personality is a result of their pure essence of being or the result of their enculturation.

...Warm Poo

So I realized I have become a lazy blogger... not only because I rarely ever post but because when I do I put down random poems and quotes and slap what I must of thought at the moment was a witty or "lyrical" title. Gag. It's 10:34 at night and I have a ton of crud to do. Hence the title. (Well, there's more to the title but I don't know how up to explaining it I feel.)

Why am I procrastinating yet again? Because I live in two worlds. It's a Jekyll and Hyde situation but I really don't know if the good guy/bad guy lines are drawn out so neatly. I've pidgeonholed myself in being the good student. I don't just mean in grades but mentality. It's exhausting because I keep adding more responsibilities and trying to give 100% at all of them. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that I'm tiring myself out and not being able to give as much as I want to. After all there is only so much of the pie to divide up and geometry was never really my thing anyway. Back to procrastination. It's a drug in some ways because I convince the Jekyll part of me that I will get my assignments done while the Hyde part is feeling all bad ass because I'm delaying getting it done.

So in an effort to reprioritize my life once again here is my list of things I want to do:

1. Put my heart and soul into Sarah, Plain and Tall because I feel so privileged to have a title character and want to give her as much substance as she deserves. Plus, I'm thrilled about the cast, director, and designers. It should be a great experience. I feel that and I want to contribute to the cause.
2. Continue to be a part of the Thrillionaires... even if it means a temporary sabatical while I do the Sarah thing. I LOVE improv.
3. Forget life for a week and go to California. Because a) I've never been b) Laura will make for an amazing traveling companion c) why the heck not?
4. See the rest of the films that were nominated for Academy awards. This is an ambitious goal. I at least want to hit all of the best pictures.
5. Get a new swimsuit and get a tan. (Ambitious. I know) Even if it means I'm one of those girls people in the Ward gossip about because they go to some secluded portion of a park and lay out. Hey! I love Vitamin D.

I think in my true blogging fashion I have ended randomly. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more coherent and I can provide a better retraction for the material in my blog.

The lyrics of life

A song we sang in sixth grade

Sail Away

My grandfather journeyed like so many others
he sailed with the west and the sun.
He sailed out of Bristol along with his brothers
a new world was there to be won.
He'd heard of the mountains in far Colorado
where eagles flew free in the air.
He'd find a high mountain and live in its shadow
for something was calling him there.

Sail away, away to America
far off over the sea.
There is something there in America
and it's calling for me.

Now what he took with him was what he could carry
his books and an old violin.
And, sailing there with him, the girl he would marry,
a new life was there to begin.
My mother was born there not many years after
and all of her sisters as well.
And all of the years, all the tears, and the laughter
are there in the stories they tell.

Sail away, away to America
far off over the sea.
There is something there in America
and it's calling for me.



One of my favorite poems

Ask Me by William Stafford

Sometime when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden, and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that thold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

The result of single's ward FHEs

A love poem written about me by my engaged "Dad"

As 9:45pm of Dec. 14 approaches
our steak marinates in the saucese
that will in flame our passion
over the grill of our satisfaction

Though, I be not Spiderman
and flyinlg through the air
is too much for me
I can be that normal man
to catch you in my web
and then set you free.

(All the original punctuation of Phil... It was quite the experience)

Surviving Valentine's Day

Well, I made through another day dedicated to the colors red, pink, and white. All during work I kept asking people if they knew the true reason we celebrate this holiday. Sorry Paul Harvey I guess nobody cares enough about the Saint.

On the other hand it was a really surprising V-Day. At eight-thirty I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and Meag was doing Pilates in the living room when there was a knock at out door. She runs into the bathroom and says, "Em. There is a really attractive guy at our door asking for you." So I run out of the bathroom, slowly saunter across the living room (I'm cool), and notice that the person at the door IS really attractive. Unfortunately, I don't know him. He asks, "Are you Emily?" Yes, I am. "This is for you." He hands me this big basket full of Valentine's Day-ish things. It's got Martinelli's, a box of chocolates, some Toblerone candy bars, Hershey's Kisses, those sugar hearts with messages, a teddy bear, all of that. Then this guy reads me this card. It says: "To Emily From A tall, dark, and/or handsome guy" In a moment of boldness I said as sexily as I could. So... you wouldn't happen to be the 'tall, dark, and/or handsome guy' would you? "No ma'am. I'm just the delivery boy." Oh. Well, could you tell me something more about this person? "Sorry. I'm not at liberty to say anything more than what's written on the card." Okay. "Here's our card if you ever want to do business in the future." Thanks. And the delivery boy leaves.

I have no idea who it could be. Okay... well I had some guesses but so far they've turned out wrong. So whoever this mystery guy is or girl... it could be a tall, dark, and/or handsome person... they've maintained their mystery. Although I would love to lift the shroud. :)

As far as the rest of my Valentine's day... I wrote a huge paper. Blech. Ate at Panda Express for the first time. ...And went to practice for this Improv troupe that I am in and love! So all in all a day packed full of activities. And questions.

The ebb and flow of emotion

To feel again in my heart actual desires for another person was amazing. It was as if I was being permitted to experience again the excitement of emotion. It had been so long that I initially felt that. But, like everything else in life it was a bittersweet moment. I remember now what it is to like someone and have it not be returned. And, even if my interest were recipricated for his interest to be complicated in the briars of life. I remember what it's like to love (even on a minor scale) and I remember what it's like to long.

Second chances are miracles in and of themselves

What an amazing experience! I got back from another long, arduous, wonderful audition. And, I think I did really well. There is only one girl part however and there were seven called back for it. I still think I'm a major contender. Even if I don't get in, Arsenic and Old Lace is going to be amazing and I know I did my best. :) For those hours that I was auditioning I got this wonderful confirmation that this is what I need to be doing. It's what I love. It's what I want to give to people. How many people get to know that at age twenty?

Sleepless infatuation on worry

Auditions. Good... actually great! And the bad. I don't understand how I can be so hot and cold. Why one moment I am so connected and the next I'm floundering. I have so much to improve upon. So I'm acting track. I don't do extended realism or historical pieces very well. To my frustration because that's what BYU prefers. I don't know when I'm going to work on it. I need to be dancing, acting, being in shows, working, singing, monologueing, auditioning, doing homework, and praying I don't drown. I need some direction. I need to be an insomniac. :)

It's funny because I love this. I love acting. I couldn't imagine anything else. But how am I going to get where I need to be? How am I going to flourish when I'm trying just to survive? I'm never ever going to date. When? Who would want this life? (Another actor who has a free idea of love. I mean free in the sense that we never see each other but we eventually come together at times to talk about nothing and everything until we have to leave again.) But I can't really see a love life for me anyway. It's not that big of a deal. So many sacrifice it.

But the sleep thing. I kind of need that. I want to sleep long enough to dream.

Sunlight. Singing. Sheep.

Nothing is weirder than listening to Ben Folds cover Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. That being said...

So I leave one home for another in, oh, less than three days. Suck. I don't know how to feel. I guess neither happy or sad. I'm so elated to finally be accepted into the acting major. I can't explain in words what that means to me. I can't wait to have classes with, well, :)

But I wish my family were much closer. And, I feel sick trying to figure out what to do with my summer. It's just nauseating. I don't know where my life is anymore. Wherever I am I don't want to leave. Everyone is getting older. There are people in my life who might not ever know me. The real me. Heck. Do I even know that person yet? A part of me wants to lie on the grass with a big cotton sheet underneath the summer stars somewhere near a lake. Wrapped up in gorgeous white linen. It all seems so simple, so idyllic. What is it we are striving for in life? Why do I dream about the things I do? Is love the driving force? Is greed? Or is greed just a dirtier version of self-love? ...which brings it back to love in the first place.

Shakespeare. Sondheim. Sundays. Nakedness. Loss. Growth. Sushi. Swimming. Silver dollars. Dancing. Crying. Cuddling. Severing. Slipping. Simple.

Am I words? Am I energy? Am I life? Am I... where?

Growing into an age

I'm twenty. It's amazing how contradictory I feel. I feel so much more responsible and filled out as a person and yet I feel so inexperienced. So I write poetry. I guess you'll have to get used to me emoting in this manner. It's kind of addicting for me.

I love a fabrication
Of ink and rouge and time.
The twisting calligraphy of personality
Dispersed among the spaces of silence
Voids we filled with our breath
On linen and in each other’s hair

I imagine you a writer
In a pastoral Parisian town
And I an uncompromising artist
Five hundred kilometers away/ Flooding the streets of Florence with colour
My letters would be your wallpaper
And yours the tiling of my floor
Reminding ourselves we are only as distant as a memory

I keep a guest room that you will never visit.
But we make love there every night the sun and moon collide
I love the morning with you
The dewiness of day and
Your frosty breath the cool breeze
Of everything I ever needed
But could never think to ask for.

We lie there, sleeping for centuries.
We are the death of selfishness, the birth of innocence
We are the birds and the grass and the ink and the rouge
We bleed together and time blurs
We love and are love.

Quotes that inspire me

"God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future-- to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities. God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

So that's the best definition of belief in God I have heard so far. And, the crazy thing is... I see how it's true. I've been afforded some clarity in my life. I desperately needed it. While, I don't know for certain if I'm in the major or not yet, I have an excellent shot at it.


"The gift of discernment opens to us vistas that stretch far beyond what can be seen with natural eyes or heard with natural ears. Discerning is seeing with spiritual eyes and feeling with the heart-- seeing and feeling the falsehood of an idea or the goodness in another person. Discerning is hearing with spiritual ears and feeling with the heart--hearing and feeling the unspoken concern in a statement or the truthfulness of a testimony or doctrine." ~Elder David A. Bednar

Burned

It's hot chocolate not a marriage proposal.

More poetry

In sickness I awoke today a shadow of my spirit.
My head was full of thoughts unvoiced
and emotions left to fester.
Someday I'll let them all run loose
and scald the air with life.
But today they'll collect from dripping
from the places I forgot to hide.




I long for a road to run away from all my responsibility.
Sometimes it's dirt and all my troubles filth the air behind me.
Sometimes it's grass and I go slower enjoying the rocky ride.
Somtimes it's sand and I get stuck from problems I left behind.

But then sometimes I stay with structure on pathways made of brick
And I can't see a different road though there are thousands I could pick.
But all I need to run away is the kiss of wind upon my face
Assuring me that leaving is the answer I should take.

A road for my thoughts and a road for my soul
I choose to loosen my grip on control.

Today of all days

Life is crying, then composing, then crying even harder.