Busy Beaver

Hello all of my blogger readers... :) I know there are so many. A number of things have been brought to my attention during my long absence from meaningful (or meaningless) relatively longer blogs. I'm sure you all love when I write two lines that just happen to rhyme... but I thought I'd give you a bit more today. I have been so incredibly busy. And the cool thing is that I don't feel totally nuts about it. Plenty of things have been challenging.

One: the death of my computer. It was a hard time.

Two: the slow death of my car. Okay so it's more the buildup of bills... check engine light that needs an overdue look, possible oil change, inspection fees, and consequently new registration. This is the hardest thing to deal with. I have to trade in my Pennsylvania plates.

Which to me is death of my car's soul. You're probably thinking I'm being a bit dramatic. However, when you're living in a state that turns your skin into that of a crocodile's, you can see the whole valley with no tree obstruction, spring may be warmer but still deadly brown, and it's impossible to drive five minutes and be completely surrounded in remote hiking grounds, one sort of clings to any identification of one's roots. I no longer have anything more than my PA license to claim my east coast heritage. (I mean just look at how cheery those plates are!) It's a sad month. March always is.

Three: My inability to wake up before 8. This has proved disastrous to my nine o'clock class and my resolution to exercise every day. I don't even seem to hear my alarms on my phone and clock anymore. I'm a bit concerned.

However... in spite of all the interesting and nonthreatening complications over the past few weeks, I have had several things to get me through the month of March.

One: Coaching dialects. I LOVE it! I mean seriously.

Two: Listening to this troubled woman...

Three: But the most exciting thing I did for the month of March was create an elaborate easter egg hunt for the kids of a professor. I went to Scotland with Dean Duncan and his son Spence. One of my best friends (Jen) and me invented this crazy scavenger clue hunt about birds with fangs. We had loads of fun stringing clues together and stuffing eggs with mysteries and peeps. We even drew fangs on the peeps. An example is included below.



So here's to the month of April! May it be sunny and warm and a little bit easier. :)

A line

The only difference between you and me
is you can pay off your personality.

Impulse Squelching

I find it funny how you say that you'd take the person you love with you even if they wound you deeply.

That's bull.

I do that.

You leave people standing, wondering what they ever did to make you cut them out of your life.

The # I Hate the Most

2

Growing Pains

There are things I just want to be able to do. It frustrates me when I keep getting the right doors open and closed by the Lord, evidence to keep heading down my occupational track. And then when the opportunities arise I just don't necessarily have what it takes. But in order to get what it takes I need the resources I can't seem to get at.

If a worldly plan is impossible or wrong then why does God so often test our ability to walk in faith to the maximum?

Yikes!

Okay... I like to believe that I'm attracted initially to men for reasons other than physical. That's usually how it happens to me. I mean, even if that's not true, my mind isn't so objective on the matter. It never goes... "damn he's hott. I should ask him out." Nope. It may go "wow, he's talented. Or shoot he's motivated." And a teensy corner may say "attraction factor." But my brain never usually is that shallow. Or maybe is never really that honest with itself. You can decide. You may beg to differ. :) And I guess I never really imagined that I could get my dream guy. Chalk it up to insecurities I've had about my appearance. What people have said about my "dominant personality." Or a slew of other reasons. I think I speak for the majority of the female sex when I say I wouldn't say no to the dream guy... but let's be honest. (And I've always thought of the idea of Prince Charming somewhat ridiculous. I'm cursed with a hyper imagination about some things and a dead realism bordering on pessimism with others.) Don't get me wrong. I've dated some good lookers. And some fabulous guys. Really great.

But this is the kind of guy I go for.

And again here.














And why not another for good measure... ugh, darn Enchanted... why? why? why?


















And yeah... how could I not put Daniel Day-Lewis in. I mean... hello my shallow self!





I know what you're thinking. "Show some originality, Emily." And I guess, my version comes with quirks. My cousin and I developed a secret code to describe out perfect guy. We call him a nine. He's great but not too great. We like athletic but not ripped. We like cute but not gorgeous. We like him to be real. In my case we like him with scruff, freckles, and I don't know maybe some sort of scar he got from trying to do some trick on his bike. (Hmm. That sounds creepy. Really I'm the one who got the scar from trying to flick my brother off while bike riding and flipping over the handle bars. Let that be a lesson to all you young ones experimenting with signed curse words.)

Less this be a shallow Cosmo article (no offense to those who like Cosmo... and probable offense to those who already think I've indulged way too much in this post.) I love wit, I love other nationality-ness or at least an appreciation of it, I love banter. I love guys that make me stop worrying about myself. Who keep me on my toes. Who relax me at the same time that they do this. Who have opinions. Challenge mine in positive ways. Who have personal insecurities and imperfections (cue the stupid bicycle scar).

So now that this person is almost in my life... how do I not screw it up?

Working through things

There's so much in a pause
it's hard to keep from knowing
the dangerous hums and has
as silence keeps growing

And I can read your eyes
the gentle apprehension
wanting to break a lie
instead just building tension

And I can't stay here long
you're killing my confidence
or at least faulty pretense
that I wasn't ready to let go of

And if i come on strong
it's the rage of wanting something more than this
the lingering of your kiss
and love... believing in love

You can stop my lips
I see them running out my mind
Words I will regret
the sooner you can

And I can't stay here long
but my lips won't move
as I fight back a throng
of tears ready to be loosed

Cause if you see me cry
our ceasefire just drags out
and I am forced to be shy
of feelings I can't allow

A vote?

I have to do an acting ethics project and am trying to choose between the following individuals to study up on. One is the lovely Juliette Binoche. Who I want to be in my acting roles... seriously, she's wonderful. If I could just play the roles they would have given to the younger Juliette that would be perfect.

Also have thought about... Ellen Degeneres! Who I think is very involved in appropriate children's media, animal rights issues, and is a wonderfully talented, socially active, American comedic actress. Tough choice.

Things Difficult

1. Really feeling sorry.
2. Finding enough hours in the day
3. Holding yourself back from sharing with someone how much you care about them
4. Being truly vulnerable
5. Uncramping your fingers. Seriously.
6. Keeping in touch with everyone that you wanna.
7. Saying goodbye.
8. Letting people go who you could keep.
9. Really trying to be faithful
10. My dreams
11. Being a good sister.
12. Falling in love.
13. Making money
14. Not wanting more money
15. Learning the butterfly stroke
16. Leaving your home
17. Not knowing where your home is
18. Suppressing a kiss
19. Figuring out WHY your computer is temperamental
20. Cramming a semester of Physical Science into one challenge exam.
21. Trying to break old procrastination habits. :)

Apologies and Longing

I think it's fair to miss someone even if the time you've spent with that person is fleeting. It's like the people I want most to be excited for me are anything but. And so I keep wanting them to be and they're not. And that hurts.

And as for my ... I just wonder. You may not want a relationship with him (as you tell me over and over) but I know that you're jealous. And I don't mean jealous in that silly snively way. I think you're mad that I've taken you're friend away or complicated the issue. And I think you feel like I make everything orbit around me. Or that I take everything that's yours. And I'm sorry. I don't know what to do for you. If I concede you run with it and I feel walked over and less than half a person. If I carry on, you're not there for me, you resent me, and I feel like less than half a person for somehow (directly or indirectly) tampering with your life. I don't know what the best answer is. So I'm sorry that there's awkwardness.

:)

I'm definitely no worse for the wear.

Check Yes or No

If you're wondering what I'm thinking it's this... "I wonder what he's thinking." The ball is amazingly in your court. And I don't think you're weird or too young. And I don't want some sort of committed thing that both of us regret a month from being separated. I just want to get to know you. I just want us to be friends. Because for some reason you were thrown into my circle, and try as hard as I might I still find myself relating to you in ways I haven't with anybody else. I don't want to jeopardize that. But I don't want to be stuck in this limbo of never getting to know each other.



And if you happen to kiss me... I'll be no worse for the wear.

So whatever you want to happen let it happen.

Okay...

So maybe one of the ten is available. :)

Unbelievably Me Right Now

What's Your Love Story?

My Result: Love vs. Honor

Love vs. Honor is the most dramatic love story of all — defined by an innate tug of war between what you want to do and what you should do. There is something coming between you and love. Perhaps it's a religious conviction, a previous commitment, family, patriotic duty, or deep belief that good things only come at a terrible price.


If you're looking for examples you can start back with the Greek myths where heroes were often forced to give up love and the comforts of home for battles in far-off lands. In Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations," Estella chooses to obey her benefactress and break Pip's heart, even though she deeply regrets doing so. Political obligations and previous relationships tear Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman apart in the unforgettable film, "Casablanca."


In your love story, you find your soul mate, only to discover you can't be together unless you give up something precious, or jeopardize other relationships or ideals that are important to you. The decision itself is at the heart of your story. How do you choose? If this is your one chance at true love, can anything be worth giving it up? Can you enjoy love knowing you've betrayed something dear to you to achieve it? Or will the love be stronger for your sacrifice? This love story is about confronting your values and life choices. It's about reevaluating what's important to you and choosing to remain on the same path or move in a new direction.


If you've devoted yourself to long-term academic study or a consuming career that demands longevity in order to succeed — careers like medicine, law, business — you might feel you're letting yourself down if you throw yourself off-track with a relationship. Do you have a family member for whom choice of religion, career, or social position is a really big deal? Are you afraid to disappoint them if your partner doesn't match the mold?


In the movie, "The End of the Affair," Julianne Moore plays a woman who makes a pact with God to stop cheating on her husband if her lover survives a terrible injury. When he lives, she's forced to keep her promise, breaking both their hearts in the process. All relationships, at some point or another, require sacrifices. These painful decisions are familiar to everyone. No wonder it's so easy to relate to this story's historical, literary, and cinematic counterparts. You're living it!

Take this test >

UNAVAILABLE

1. On a mission.
2. Living in England.
3. 18... I know...
4. 18 and living in England... a bit worse
5. Doesn't like girls.
6. Doesn't like girls.
7. At grad school. Grad school is five states away.
8. Almost engaged.
9. Married. Oops.
10. Well if he's NOT a minor living (or serving) in another state who's gay and married or almost married then bring him on.

My parents can't say I'm not trying.

Life Enhanced

My ex is .... my friend. Finally. And the other most recent has always been
Maybe I should ... see if I can pull out a D in English
I love ... people that will commit to a whole day of snow-shoeing with me, and boys that date and love curvy girls
I don't understand ... a certain emotional, social, and genetic issue that keeps popping up in my life (and I must say I'm a bit exhausted from it)
I lost my ... pity party. I'm responsible for me and loving the empowerment it gives.
People would say that I'm ... a Sagittarius. :) Thanks Dave for pointing it out so often
Sex is ... something I have now (only slightly) begun to occasionally dream about
Love is ... listening to someone who needs you to and not judging them for a single word they say
Somewhere, someone is ... anxious to meet me
I will always ... need family and green outdoor life
Forever is ... a ways away
I think the current President is ... terrifying. Please let O8 be a good election year!
I woke up this morning ... at four and kept drifting in and out of sleep while reciting a monologue. I need a life.
Life is full of ... itchy surprises
My past ... feels like a translucent fabric being draped over me. Ever present and ever ready to remind me to deal with it
I get annoyed when ... I tire a lot faster than I used to
I wish ... I knew what to do about next semester
My dog ... at home in PA in a kennel lonely and anxious to chew up the stuffed monkey that lives on the side of my bed
Tomorrow I'm going to ... have a VERY full day. Hopefully see my parentals
I have no tolerance for people who ... leave you cheated (of many things)
If I had a million dollars I would ... build my dream cottage, escape life for a year bringing my friend with me who needs to do the same, travel to New Zealand, give someone some scholarship thingy and then invest the rest
Sometimes I want to ... sleep beside someone just to feel the pulse of another person
Home is ... Pennsylvania and floating the Susquehanna
We are ... needing human connection
This weekend ... will be show packed and family-centric
I understand ... that I need to pace myself. 21 is young... in spite of the wrinkles and single gray hair I've discovered. :)
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Happy First Day Back After Holidays and Feasting

My family is in town for the wonderful days of Thanks. We went skiing. I know... there wasn't really anything to ski on, but we did it anyway.

I miss Jimmy a lot. And a few other choice individuals during the holidays. The holidays are also a reminder of my singlehood. Not sure if I'm happy or unhappy about that. I missed my current best guy friend a lot. It was weird not to be attached at the hip. It was also annoyingly weird to see him look so damn attractive today. Seriously, could he have been a little kinder and shaved the beard or cut the hair so I wasn't so incredibly drawn to him? That would have been... courteous?

Anyway. I need to be trying to pass my classes. Or at least the one that is still an option to pass. Okay... I exaggerate only 2 of the 9 are out of range. And really only the one is an absolute bomb. Still, it's weird for the Type A me to be so not anywhere close to that.

Um... life is good though! Christmas and turning 22 are right around the corner. I'm going to try to go out somewhere fun for my birthday. Last year will be hard to top. Also, the puppy will soon be within my clutches. No longer will the parents hold a monopoly on my little wee.

So there's the update. Maybe I'll try to post a bit more frequently. Summer plans are starting to formulate but are still up in the air. We'll see what comes of that.

Emily isms

Emily is in love with:

Snowfalls
Sunsets
Baked things
Puppies
Misty tree smells
Boys with good cologne
Jeans that are a little bit loose
Hiking
Singing
Guitars (even just looking at them)
Nice people who don't try to be aloof or pretentious
Fun underwear

Emily is in loathe of:

Rotting food
Unfinished naps
Lost mail
Business hours
Q-tips... don't ask
People who try to put distance in your relationship because they are scared of intimacy but actually really love you
Victoria's Secret commercials
Roommates that are exceptionally flaky, impersonal, and disgusting

Emily is afraid of:

Ledges
Clowns
Dark sidewalks/alleys
Ticks
Death
Pike/Walleye

Chilling Times

I love you. I'll never be able to say it to you face to face. So electronically I send it to the world.

And even though I know love is a very big word, I mean it.

And I also know that you are distancing yourself and drawing yourself out.

I almost kissed you a second time. The indecision still burns on my lips.

Loss

...is inescapable. In the brief time we have here on this earth we rarely get to know people as deeply as we would like.

I wish I had a picture of us together. Why don't we at least have one picture?! I miss you. So much sometimes I can't concentrate on life things. I'm trying to hold it together but I just wish I could talk to you. I wish I could go on our weekly Sunday drives. I wish I could hug you. You always gave the best hugs.

I keep thinking I should be doing something amazing with my life. Something I haven't even begun to imagine yet. I feel stagnant and overwhelmed and void of passion all at the same time. I wish that there were some form of contact. I wish I didn't ache so badly for the veil to come crashing down and for you to be sitting right in the seat next to me as I'm typing these sad and frustrated words. I wish I didn't want so much, the things I cannot have. I'm so lost in knowing where I'm supposed to go.

I miss you Tim. You were one of my best friends. I miss your vocal inflection. The way you would compliment me in the library, even when I was just in sweatpants. The way we'd go out of our way to say hello and talk to one another. I know I might have been just like any other girl you knew. But a part of me knows that's not true. I'm sorry I was never mature enough to get my act together in time to really become as close to you as I wanted. I was terrified of so many things in my life moving forward. I was selfish and scared. I was tired. But that was then. I can't erase all of that. Just write it out there to a world (and a few people) who may or may not care that I loved you. And boy, did I.

It's funny. You never realise how deeply you care about someone until they've been removed and you keep discovering (sometimes with greater despair) how many areas of your life their physical existence had been woven into your overall essence. I want to carry you forward, Tim. I want to be to others the kind of person you were for me. I want to love someone, some young man, the way we promised each other it should be.

I love you. I'll go on loving you.

"Me in the rain or the wind
Or the moon up in the sky
The spin of the earth or the change of the tide
I don't know what brought us together
What strange forces of nature
Conspire to construct the present
From the past

Then I'll go on loving you
I'll go on loving you
I'll go on loving you"

-Alan Jackson