I'm really tired of guys right now. I know I'm going to sound like the typical spinster/feminist but honestly.
Today, I'm studying in the library and this guy that used to be my friend and we used to have these great conversations and we used to hang out on occassion, treated me so coldly. I don't know what I did to deserve it. I never backed out of my friendship with him. I never changed my personality. I never expected anything of him. I'm still trying to be cordial and polite but all I get is sharpness.
This same thing happened to me with another boy who is in a lot of my classes. This is going to sound uber-insecure, but I just haven't been feeling... I don't know. How do you put it in words? Because it's more than physically attractive. I'm not stupid enough to allow these guys to influence whether or not I'm beautiful. I feel like I'm not fun, or spontaneous, or interesting, or too smart. And, I know I shouldn't care what they think. But lately, I... I've been feeling insecure. Blah. It's out there.
I'm not writing this blog so that I guilt anyone into telling me I'm a wonderful person. I want to let you know and more importantly myself know that I am human. I feel shy, confused, embarrassed, guilty, at different times. Sometimes all at once. I don't want anyone to ever think that because of the faith that I claim as my own that I have all of the answers or that I'm never depressed. While I feel like there are things in my life I need to change, I don't feel like I'm "sinning." I don't think doubting/questioning areas of my faith is a bad thing. And it's not pulling the foundation out from under me. I don't think God is dissastisfied by my questioning either. And I don't think even if I were totally assured in my convictions that I would never feel this hodge-podge of melancholy that I'm feeling right now. And, I know that I do experience moments of exquisite joy. Primarily when it concerns my family.
Life is so interesting. For those of you who read this, thanks for going along for the ride. Know that I love you. More than anything. Know how happy you make me and that there is never a day when I'm not thinking about you, your happiness, and all that you give me. Love. Love. Love. I send it to you.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Mirror Mirror
No, the reason my picture is a blog entry is not because I am that vain and know how much you love that picture. Frankly, you're probably all bored with it anyway. The reason it is there is the same reason I have not changed my facebook picture. I'm technologically stupid. Last night I was attempting to put a profile picture in my blog and that entry was the result. Mind you this was a forty-five minute attempt to try to get it right. And my uncle wonders why I'm not a computer science major. Technology hates me.
So that is me. I don't think I'm going to take it off. I wouldn't really know how and even if I could learn I'd rather spend the time learning how to put things on the right way. So maybe I'll get lucky and the casting director of the new Bourne movie will need a Matt Damon "it" girl for the third sequel and just happen to stumple upon this interesting blog of an actress in Utah. How's that for fantasy?! While I'm dreaming... can I have some unknown trust fund be made known and a house in Alsace donated to me?
So that is me. I don't think I'm going to take it off. I wouldn't really know how and even if I could learn I'd rather spend the time learning how to put things on the right way. So maybe I'll get lucky and the casting director of the new Bourne movie will need a Matt Damon "it" girl for the third sequel and just happen to stumple upon this interesting blog of an actress in Utah. How's that for fantasy?! While I'm dreaming... can I have some unknown trust fund be made known and a house in Alsace donated to me?
Thursday, October 20, 2005
"In the beginning was the Tao?"
I've been doing so much thinking about God. I guess when you attend a religious university, play a character in a production who questions who God is all the time, have a class that studies the world religions from a truly unbiased standpoint, and take a theatre history course where you analyze the Book of Job from a theatrical/mythological perspective... this will happen.
I was reading a book for yet another class, American Heritage, and my thoughts just started going. The ecclesiastical leader was challenging why we have to remove God from the political happenings of our country. He wasn't advocating a particular god over another, he was attibuting the moral values this country was founded on to a supreme being/force. He was also pointing out that our nation is ridding itself of the values that make it strong. Who do you offend when you leave God in or take him out of the Constitution? Does anytime God is mentioned in the important documents of our country refer to the Judeo-Christian deity? Does it have to? Do we have to remove God to be tolerant? Is it wrong to recognize a force of moral responsibility to found our country on? Is it blasphemous for an individual from a Judeo-Christian background to advocate this stance that appears to strip the traditional God of worship down to an idea? These are some of the questions tumbling around in my mind. Are people removing God to be tolerant or removing God to remove themselves from moral responsibility? I know that is assuming there is a universal moral right and wrong. But does believing that there are universal rights and wrongs automatically make an individual intolerant or unsusceptible to change?
I know I'm rambling and not making much sense. But as I was reading I wondered what the definition of an atheist is. What if you believe that there is only a force in the world? Or that there are only universal laws? There is no God in Taoism. Not that a Judeo-Christian tradition would consider. However, Tao, is a force that is revered. In tao there is no beginning or end. (Like alpha and the omega.) Taoists would never call themselves atheist however. But from a political perspective the word God would include Tao values, because Taoists believe in a universal force that promotes right-doing.
We had a discussion in my acting class about whether truth needed to be precisely adequate and raw in order to teach. Do we need to show the exact level of violence in a war movie as what was really experienced in order for people to understand? Do we need to use the profanity of a hardened criminal in order to come to terms with his/her courseness? The teacher was not advocating a particular answer but rather was calling our attention to how impressionable we are. How vulnerable we are in theatre to be shaped and molded by forces we allow to take control of us. (My thoughts again -->) Are we really free if we are bound to a society that spells out what tolerance is and what it is not? What reality is and what it is not? I don't know. I don't know.
I really hope that people will post their own ramblings. I'm not necessarily looking for answers but ideas, contrasting ideas about the world. If they are too private but you want to share email me.
I was reading a book for yet another class, American Heritage, and my thoughts just started going. The ecclesiastical leader was challenging why we have to remove God from the political happenings of our country. He wasn't advocating a particular god over another, he was attibuting the moral values this country was founded on to a supreme being/force. He was also pointing out that our nation is ridding itself of the values that make it strong. Who do you offend when you leave God in or take him out of the Constitution? Does anytime God is mentioned in the important documents of our country refer to the Judeo-Christian deity? Does it have to? Do we have to remove God to be tolerant? Is it wrong to recognize a force of moral responsibility to found our country on? Is it blasphemous for an individual from a Judeo-Christian background to advocate this stance that appears to strip the traditional God of worship down to an idea? These are some of the questions tumbling around in my mind. Are people removing God to be tolerant or removing God to remove themselves from moral responsibility? I know that is assuming there is a universal moral right and wrong. But does believing that there are universal rights and wrongs automatically make an individual intolerant or unsusceptible to change?
I know I'm rambling and not making much sense. But as I was reading I wondered what the definition of an atheist is. What if you believe that there is only a force in the world? Or that there are only universal laws? There is no God in Taoism. Not that a Judeo-Christian tradition would consider. However, Tao, is a force that is revered. In tao there is no beginning or end. (Like alpha and the omega.) Taoists would never call themselves atheist however. But from a political perspective the word God would include Tao values, because Taoists believe in a universal force that promotes right-doing.
We had a discussion in my acting class about whether truth needed to be precisely adequate and raw in order to teach. Do we need to show the exact level of violence in a war movie as what was really experienced in order for people to understand? Do we need to use the profanity of a hardened criminal in order to come to terms with his/her courseness? The teacher was not advocating a particular answer but rather was calling our attention to how impressionable we are. How vulnerable we are in theatre to be shaped and molded by forces we allow to take control of us. (My thoughts again -->) Are we really free if we are bound to a society that spells out what tolerance is and what it is not? What reality is and what it is not? I don't know. I don't know.
I really hope that people will post their own ramblings. I'm not necessarily looking for answers but ideas, contrasting ideas about the world. If they are too private but you want to share email me.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Things that make me happy
1. Friends that are girls.
2. Last minute spontaneous lunch breaks that almost make you late for work.
3. Procrastinating on my theatre history homework because theatre history sucks. (Guess what I'm doing right now?)
4. Watching Arrested Development.
5. Swimming a mile to prove to my brother that I can do it. Even if the only stroke I can do is the breast stroke without drowning.
6. Sitting in the Actor side of the HFAC because I am now accepted into the HFAC Actor Slab Group.
7. Reading my friends comments on my blog. They make my days.
8. Being a liberal.
9. Talking about boys. Even though they are clueless and sometimes shallow. (But hey girls are too.)
10. Being in a play.
11. YOGA.
12. Diet A & W Rootbeer because my roommate Carie thinks it's funny that I like healthy things but love carbonation.
13. Sleeping naked. (When I'm alone. It would weird my roommate out too much.)
14. Good conversation.
15. Family. That should be up at the top.
16. Pix/text messaging. My brother and I actually communicate now.
17. Doing well on my acting midterms.
18. Last minute spontaneous anything.
19. Walmart shopping sprees.
20. Green sweatpants.
21. My friends.
22. Sheila. I love the rest of you too, but I feel like I really have to put Sheila's name down.
23. Living in Mormon-land where everyone thinks everyone gets married at age 18 and being almost 20 without being in a serious relationship.
24. Reading movie scripts.
25. Writing this list.
2. Last minute spontaneous lunch breaks that almost make you late for work.
3. Procrastinating on my theatre history homework because theatre history sucks. (Guess what I'm doing right now?)
4. Watching Arrested Development.
5. Swimming a mile to prove to my brother that I can do it. Even if the only stroke I can do is the breast stroke without drowning.
6. Sitting in the Actor side of the HFAC because I am now accepted into the HFAC Actor Slab Group.
7. Reading my friends comments on my blog. They make my days.
8. Being a liberal.
9. Talking about boys. Even though they are clueless and sometimes shallow. (But hey girls are too.)
10. Being in a play.
11. YOGA.
12. Diet A & W Rootbeer because my roommate Carie thinks it's funny that I like healthy things but love carbonation.
13. Sleeping naked. (When I'm alone. It would weird my roommate out too much.)
14. Good conversation.
15. Family. That should be up at the top.
16. Pix/text messaging. My brother and I actually communicate now.
17. Doing well on my acting midterms.
18. Last minute spontaneous anything.
19. Walmart shopping sprees.
20. Green sweatpants.
21. My friends.
22. Sheila. I love the rest of you too, but I feel like I really have to put Sheila's name down.
23. Living in Mormon-land where everyone thinks everyone gets married at age 18 and being almost 20 without being in a serious relationship.
24. Reading movie scripts.
25. Writing this list.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
A life to call my own
Finally! I finished working as a dresser for Fuente Ovejuna. Theatre majors have to do so many service credit hours for the major and my 360 credit is DONE. :) I will have five more hours to my day. Now instead of going from class to work to rehearsal to fuente, I can go home and eat dinner. Maybe talk to my roommate. Pick up my underwear. Memorize some monologues and sleep more than three hours a night.
For the first time in years (and I am not exaggerating) I got nine hours of sleep on a school night. It was intoxicating. I woke up so rejuvenated I thought for sure someone had drugged me. Mmm.
I'm in a show right now. It's called A Generation Raised in Propriety. The play is about this girl named Emma who has all of these friends who are abused. Her best friend is named Marie and Marie gets the worst from her father. Emma doesn't have a great family life (her mom is a terrible alcoholic and though she loves her father he can't take the pressure of his marrital situation and run-away son and leaves the family) either but because she isn't physically abused the kids at school think she is spoiled. The teachers at school are supposedly raising the children to live a proprietess life, but it's really a corrupting enculturation. The setting is Swindon, England so everyone (except for Ms. French) speaks with a British accent.
I'm playing Emma. It's my first lead at BYU. Though it is a student written, student directed show it will be playing on one of the mainstages so I am kind of nervous. I LOVE Emma. I just feel for her situation. I want to perform to the best of my ability.
So that's what has been going on in my life. I feel so disconnected from the world right now. I want to spend time with people, watch a movie, call people I haven't talked to in ages, and do well in my classes at school. I miss you all.
For the first time in years (and I am not exaggerating) I got nine hours of sleep on a school night. It was intoxicating. I woke up so rejuvenated I thought for sure someone had drugged me. Mmm.
I'm in a show right now. It's called A Generation Raised in Propriety. The play is about this girl named Emma who has all of these friends who are abused. Her best friend is named Marie and Marie gets the worst from her father. Emma doesn't have a great family life (her mom is a terrible alcoholic and though she loves her father he can't take the pressure of his marrital situation and run-away son and leaves the family) either but because she isn't physically abused the kids at school think she is spoiled. The teachers at school are supposedly raising the children to live a proprietess life, but it's really a corrupting enculturation. The setting is Swindon, England so everyone (except for Ms. French) speaks with a British accent.
I'm playing Emma. It's my first lead at BYU. Though it is a student written, student directed show it will be playing on one of the mainstages so I am kind of nervous. I LOVE Emma. I just feel for her situation. I want to perform to the best of my ability.
So that's what has been going on in my life. I feel so disconnected from the world right now. I want to spend time with people, watch a movie, call people I haven't talked to in ages, and do well in my classes at school. I miss you all.
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