Second chances are miracles in and of themselves

What an amazing experience! I got back from another long, arduous, wonderful audition. And, I think I did really well. There is only one girl part however and there were seven called back for it. I still think I'm a major contender. Even if I don't get in, Arsenic and Old Lace is going to be amazing and I know I did my best. :) For those hours that I was auditioning I got this wonderful confirmation that this is what I need to be doing. It's what I love. It's what I want to give to people. How many people get to know that at age twenty?

Sleepless infatuation on worry

Auditions. Good... actually great! And the bad. I don't understand how I can be so hot and cold. Why one moment I am so connected and the next I'm floundering. I have so much to improve upon. So I'm acting track. I don't do extended realism or historical pieces very well. To my frustration because that's what BYU prefers. I don't know when I'm going to work on it. I need to be dancing, acting, being in shows, working, singing, monologueing, auditioning, doing homework, and praying I don't drown. I need some direction. I need to be an insomniac. :)

It's funny because I love this. I love acting. I couldn't imagine anything else. But how am I going to get where I need to be? How am I going to flourish when I'm trying just to survive? I'm never ever going to date. When? Who would want this life? (Another actor who has a free idea of love. I mean free in the sense that we never see each other but we eventually come together at times to talk about nothing and everything until we have to leave again.) But I can't really see a love life for me anyway. It's not that big of a deal. So many sacrifice it.

But the sleep thing. I kind of need that. I want to sleep long enough to dream.

Sunlight. Singing. Sheep.

Nothing is weirder than listening to Ben Folds cover Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. That being said...

So I leave one home for another in, oh, less than three days. Suck. I don't know how to feel. I guess neither happy or sad. I'm so elated to finally be accepted into the acting major. I can't explain in words what that means to me. I can't wait to have classes with, well, :)

But I wish my family were much closer. And, I feel sick trying to figure out what to do with my summer. It's just nauseating. I don't know where my life is anymore. Wherever I am I don't want to leave. Everyone is getting older. There are people in my life who might not ever know me. The real me. Heck. Do I even know that person yet? A part of me wants to lie on the grass with a big cotton sheet underneath the summer stars somewhere near a lake. Wrapped up in gorgeous white linen. It all seems so simple, so idyllic. What is it we are striving for in life? Why do I dream about the things I do? Is love the driving force? Is greed? Or is greed just a dirtier version of self-love? ...which brings it back to love in the first place.

Shakespeare. Sondheim. Sundays. Nakedness. Loss. Growth. Sushi. Swimming. Silver dollars. Dancing. Crying. Cuddling. Severing. Slipping. Simple.

Am I words? Am I energy? Am I life? Am I... where?