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I find myself a little tired of painting personality.
Exhausted from meticulously smiling in a frown.
I want to snuggle somewhere where I exhale all my worry.
Breathing in a newness that stills a restless pound.
So share my smirk love for you've created it.
From every moment you mocked my honesty.
And for once just live with me in this moment.
Smell the lingering hope that was once in me.

(Unfinished)

For You and Us

I find that I'm a rebel. Even when I conform.
I'm struggling to assert an image
that even I might not believe.
I find you satisfying and a trouble to my mind.
But a journey that I willingly take
on an ever ebbing breeze.

Lingering between two blinking traffic lights,
we find answers in each other.
If we find any answers at all.
And when we touch without ever feeling
I hear myself exhale. For then trouble
is name of the company we call.

But a part is bound to discovering
a softer side of you and me. A peeling and
decaying of a rationalized lust.
So we start again with history that pacifies
greater need. Without confusion we're bound
to unwrap a clearer version of us.

Even on a Sunday

My fingers are callused from playing too much.
My mind is dirty from thinking too much.

Eat your veggies

Green beans are so romantic! *Lick*

Supporting Verizon through text messaging

Recent favorite text messages:

Allison's response to my "So guess who texted me."

"Stupid, idiot, dumb, bad-at-relationships, doesn't-know-what-he-wants, you're-not-for-him-bc-you've-got-it-together boy?"

My response to Curtis's "Happy chaunnukah!"

"Happy black friday! From the tops of the Rockies."

Alli's cousin and Alli on male characteristics

"Yeah. He's silly. To my neice silly and scary mean the same thing."

My brother's response to my "Hey. I love you. Sleep well."

"Likewise"

My recent valentine to Jackie "I was just thinking about you and how much I love you. Thanks for praying for me and believing in me. I finally got out of a bad thing. And I credit some of that to your loving support. Know that I am always praying for you."

Jimmy's "My girfriend is a Democrat. What are the chances of that in Rexburg?"

Matt's "You got it."

Mike's string of conversation with me... all his responses

"Well, hello there little pumpkin. I'm from houston, tx and no i don't think you're lame."

"No i don't think you're lame... even for not letting go because stuff like that is hard"

"he's like glue ain't he? i bet it'll turn out fine. he doesn't deserve u, tha's what i think :-D"

"I'm not posing as the therapist here when i say i know exactly how you feel because i do!"

"Without feeling the draw to go back. i think its because i invested so much in her @ one time."

Jimmy's "I want you to meet my gf sometime."

Lauren's "It's hard when you care so much about a person and they aren't ready for what you can give. But you've got to know that you are amazing, Em, with or without him."

Ty Kump "I saw Sarah fine and sassy just walk by" -May 13th

Katie Crapo "Oh, if that's all. I have to get interviewed for Ophra so that's perfect." -May 24th

Greg Freestone "It's okay, I'm just sitting here watching them make out." -Late May

Jackie's response to my "I'm in Nevada!"

"Congrats- no gamblin or hookin'!" - San Fran trip

Dad's responses to my "I'm on a streetcar, maybe it's named desire." and "I feel like I have Stanley Marshall's wanderlust." -San Fran

"keep having fun. Journal your thoughts luv u Papa" and "Its a great feeling isn't it dad"

Carie's response to my "This date is so boring"

"Sorry friend! Bring up sleeping nude... that ought to spice things up a bit. :)"

Carie's stream of responses to my infatuation for San Francisco

"Ha ha. No more NY flat? :)"

"Figures. :) Just don't do LA. :) Wait, you mean the Utah desert didnt' enthrall you as you drove throught it?!"

"Sad day, we'll convert you somehow. :)"

"No, Provo has had two years. Utah does NOT = Provo. :)"

"Sorry friend! Utah awaits you with open arms. :)"

"Let's be honest, the super cool people like carie eastman are in utah. that alone should make you grateful for this great state!"

Curtis's Idaho response to my "Alli and I got engaged!"

"Yeah... well me and alex got engaged... so there!" -Aug 22

and the follow up to my "It was just a matter of time"

"I'll give u a matter of time."

Allison's stream of insane texts after Curtis drove back from Idaho

"Emily and Curtis sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G!" -Aug 24

"Curtis's voice sounds really deep. Like a imperialist Viking or something. Scary"

"I think he's figured us out, his volume has gone down. Quick! Escape! Before he pulls out the helmet and muskrat fur!"

"No. He wants a Viking woman. They look like the Viking men. You're too pretty. YOu should give him a peace offering from our apartment... Cake!"

"Tell him he can take anything but the fish. Not LAVERN!"

My text to Mike and Curtis yesterday

"I don't know how I feel about living in a world where people need or feel like they need seat covers at public restrooms"

My response to Alli's neice's gibberish - Yesterday

"Maybe its a dialect?"

Amy Fille

I have spent the Thanksgiving week in gratitude for my wonderful family. I love them exponentially. I've needed them as much if not more. But, of all of the people in my life right now I must say I'm the most grateful for Amy. Perhaps that's unfair, Bob and Nancy have been so generous, my parents so understanding, my brother and sister so sanguinal, my roommates and friends so patient. But Amy is so prescient. She is real and tangible. She makes me think about who I am. She allows me to believe in my personal strength. She shares her life with me and allows me to do the same. She does not want me to censor myself. She recognizes how I feel and allows me to feel it. I love her. Sometimes when I think about how different our lives are I wonder how I could become so close to someone so wise and beautiful. I wonder if she finds my own problems trite or silly. I know she doesn't, but the insecure Emily, the Emily that has recently been exposed and mistreated, is fearful and unsure.

I miss Curtis. I do. I miss so much of what we shared. It's hard to step away. I'm embarrassed no matter which way I turn. I feel ashamed for not being able to walk away from this situation earlier. I am embarrassed that I even still like him, after things he has said and the harsh words that were mutually shared. I am embarrassed that I am unable to "just be friends" the way he wants to be. I am ashamed that part of the reason I don't want to "just be friends" is because I know that is what he wants and I don't want him to have it. I feel petty, selfish, strong, and raw. I don't hate him. I feel very far from that emotion. I loved how comfortable and beautiful he made me feel. I loved that we could talk for hours and never get bored. I loved being able to swap music and stories. I miss playing the guitar and singing together. I loved the way the gospel weaved in and out of our conversations. It was so natural. It is an essential part of both of our lives.

Someday I'd like to be Curtis's friend. But now is just not that time. I don't want to marry him. It's crazy that he keeps bringing up that I do. I mean I never thought about it. Not once. Not until he brought it up and even then it was weird. I'm also weirded out by how much he is convinced I am crazy about him. I am as invested in him as I am in any other friend. I have deep friendships. I feel and care deeply about people. I want the best for them. I want them to succeed and be happy. I want all of these things for Curtis. Unfortunately, for Curtis and myself there is another side to our friendship. It's this side that blurs my emotions and simultaneously entices and numbs my senses. I love being loved. I love loving. My friend Jennie once said that we share a similar greatest weakness/strength. We want to give of ourselves wholeheartedly. But Jennie told me how dangerous and selfish that can be. Sometimes people don't want what we have to give. This is how I feel about Curtis. I don't think he knows what he wants. Or, maybe he does, but like me I think its difficult to separate the physical elements of our relationship. And all of my deep feelings towards him and how much I want the best of life for him come out in it. I'm so readable. I've lost "mystery" or whatever because of it. He feels like he knows me, all of me. Which disgusts me. How can he begin to know all of me? Or maybe he feels like he knows all of me worth knowing. That thought should make me even more sick. And it does. It makes me feel so two-dimensional. And yet I want to be held and stroked and told that I am beautiful, funny, sensitive, and soft.

So why do I even miss Curtis? ...After all I've had to say about him. I have come a long way in my life. Curtis has helped me realize this. He makes me feel good about the person I've become. He finds me fascinating and stimulating. He thinks that I am a good, innocent, passionate person who cares about people. He gives me confidence in my callings and asserts my personal endurance. But, it's funny how all of these things can turn in the heat of a moment. How when he has felt trapped or overstimulated he backs away and uses all of these good things against me. We haven't talked in over two weeks. Some of the last things I said to him were, "Damn you," "Go to hell," "I don't hate you," "I wish we could be friends but it's impossible right now," "Please don't call or text me." Two nights ago Curtis texted me at two in the morning with "Happy Channuahka." I texted back twelve hours later with "Happy Black Friday from the tops of the Rockies!" Last night he called me at 11:30. I was asleep and didn't pick up. He didn't leave a voicemail. His roommate Mike and I are good friends and we talked this morning while in bed. (We were on the phone together, not in the same bed.) He said that Curtis came to him last night at around seven and wanted Mike to ask my roommate out and that Curtis was going to ask me out and that the four of us could double. Mike, knowing the situation, said, "What? You want to ask Emily out?" Curtis replied saying that he misses spending time with me, that he thinks I'm so much fun, that he misses the way we used to talk. Mike asked Curtis is he wanted to date me and Curtis said no, that he only wanted to be friends. Mike told him not to call. Mike called Alli though. And Curtis asked to speak with my roommate. Alli asked, "What do you want with my roommate?" Curtis replied, "What kind of question is that?" Alli: "I think you know what I'm getting at." Curtis: "No not really, what are you getting at?" Alli: "Do you want to just be her friend or do you want to date her now?" Curtis: "Just friends." Alli: "Don't call her." And yet he did. I haven't called him back yet. Amy doesn't want me to. I should have said "I don't want to," but that wouldn't be true. So for now I'll have to say, "Amy doesn't want me to."

I know Amy is right, that the more time that goes by the easier this will be. She tells me that I have the right to be extremely happy. And I know that I do! I want to find someone like Jedi. I see how much he loves Amy. He is so intelligent and kind. He is always uplifting her, wanting her to take the spotlight. I want to share the spotlight with someone. I don't want to keep forcing the guy I'm dating to realize that he's worth noticing or supporting. I don't want him to feel like he has nothing to offer me. I want to be uplifted and thought to be beautiful. I want to be swept off my feet the way Amy is swept and the way Jedi sweeps her. I don't want to not share my poetry with someone I care about for fear that its another thing he is intimidated by. My cousin is in my life for a reason. She is strong. She is beautiful. She is so good and right. She inspires me to be a better person and I love her for it. I love her already for who she is, but I feel so close to her for what she gives and accepts. I feel the need to share things with her. I know she doesn't judge me. I know I have to make my own decisions about this person in my life. And I will make them. I'm just glad to have someone who loves me in spite of myself and my emotions and keeps believing in the greatest version of me.

All Souls Day Resolutions

1. I will start every day grateful for the innonence and freshness of it.
2. I will create opportunities to meet new people and develop new relationships.
3. I will strengthen the friendships I value most.
4. I will pray. Often. And I will try to pray more out of gratitude than out of want.
5. I will be happy with who I am and realize the potential I have to be better.