Thursday, December 28, 2006

To pursue or not to pursue

Early this morning (or late late last night depending upon your frame of reference) my sister and I took love personality tests. It turns out we are each other's most compatible lover type. I just thought the world should know. :)

Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas 2006

Christmas is that time of year where parents can take pictures of you unshowered and bed-distressed without you really caring.

Christmas is that time of year where you are more than okay looking like a transvestite because you have on half the makeup someone bought you and are wearing new platform wedge shoes with your capri pijama bottoms, tank top, and an old sweater.

Christmas is the only time of year where you don't really feel guilty for eating two chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.

Christmas is the only time of year your family finds as a reason to cover up grouchy behavior with the excuse "Let me enjoy Christmas my way, and you your way."

Christmas is not New Years. Families can't make resolutions to be at the family Christmas party on time.

Christmas is the time of year for unexpected surprises, like your spacey teenage brother getting everyone a gift with a sentimental background.

Christmas is also the only time of year when you don't fault your brother for printing out pictures of that sentimental gift and saying that he'll buy it for you tomorrow.

Christmas does not mean your family will ever break out of its redneck tendencies... cue the plastic Walmart bag stockings.

Christmas was never meant to be filled with text receiving and sending, but it sure is nice when all of your friends wish you a Merry Christmas.

Christmas is John Denver's Aspen Glow, Brittney ripping up wrapping paper, staying in your pijamas until five in the afternoon, and being able to make hugs last longer than ten seconds without anyone feeling awkward.

Christmas is the season for my birth, and a reason why no matter how much older I get I always feel young and spritely.

Christmas is the only time that if you haven't been home in a year, no one yells at you for it. Instead they think of you as the best Christmas present they have ever received and there are many tears of joy spent on both ends.

Christmas is my favorite time of year.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Unearthing the past

I used to think I cried
when sorrow was filled to brimming
that it would leak from my irises
and off the edge of my nose.
I used to think that sorrow
came from pain and wrenching loss
that it would ravage me in
terror and neglected understanding.

I've slept with sorrow now.
I understand his hold.
He grasps onto my sides
and stills my restless pulse.
He does not pull or scream.
Or suffocate my breath, but lets
me linger foolishly on dreams
that won't come true.

So when I cry the tears slide
gently down my face
and sobs are a voice created
from a hollow emptiness
I'd like to think it were passion
that created the unrealized loss
but tears come from no arousal
of my self, my lips, my thoughts.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I'm going home to Pennsylvania. It's been a year since I've seen PA. I realized that within the year I have lived in Utah, visited Idaho for a day, drove through Nevada and Wyoming, and vacationed in Northern California. That's it. I have not seen Pennsylvania green in a year. I have not dealt with humidity in over a year. I have not physically touched my friends in over a year. That just makes me cry. I can't believe a year of my life has gone by without touching some of the people I love most. I've had my heart broken and I've done the breaking. I've become independent. I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I've experienced Italian sodas, monkey hugs, and the glory of the Pacific without the people I have known my whole life. I can't really put my finger on what I'm afraid of. Maybe I'm afraid that I've been gone for so long that I don't have a place there anymore. Maybe I'm afraid that they won't appreciate the Emily I am so comfortable with. Maybe they'll notice whatever weird accent I've developed. I know that they'll love me and that all of these things don't really matter. However, I feel so much older. I feel like a part of my identity is about to be recovered. That feels amazing. I can't wait to see people who love me.

Will my dog even think I'm nice?
Will my cousin laugh at my college stories?
Will my parents...

Mmh. I can't believe how much older I am. I came home last time at 19 almost 20. My parents are now 52 and 55. I'm 21. What have I accomplished? Why do I need to have accomplished something?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Even at a distance

I like the way you look at me. And the way we say goodnight.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Documentary in its simplest form

Today

My hair is in leftover curls from drying naturally
I'm wearing pink and gray, cotten clothes that spell out comfort
I smell like Dove lotion
My car is still messy
I think I might have gotten a B on my Linguistics final
I can't stop using weird little linguistic phrases and terminology to describe every element of my life
I might as well have Amos Lee's lyrics tatooed all over my body because they're tatooed all over my mind
I want to be home
I need to put in more hours at work
I have at least a fourteen page paper due in my acting class, I turned in a 22 page assignment for that class yesterday
I'm lusting after my guitar
No one is home in my apartment and Hillary has already left for California
It's bitter cold outside and my hands are still freezing
I'm trying to figure out when I can actually graduate
I want to be a backup singer
I think I'd like to move south for the winter
I hate the last week before you go home because you debate the practicality of buying food but lament when all you have in your cupboards and refrigerators is rice and hummus
I'm wondering how many people can say that all they have is hummus in their fridge
I still like eating ice cream in the winter
There's a snowman staring at me through my window.
I've come to really love documenting my life. Even if its documented in random sentences like these.

Monday, December 18, 2006

After six months I...

My ex is .... going to end up as a friend someday
Maybe I should ... actually care more about finals
I love ... writing on Miguel's facebook wall and my roommates
I don't understand ... emotions
I lost my ... student ID :(
People would say that I'm ... an intensely emotional girl
Sex is ... still honestly on the brain.
Love is ... a mixture or many things. Whose balance I'm still trying to figure out
Somewhere, someone is ... praying for me
I will always ... love Becca and our love of living for the moment
Forever is ... something that I'm trying to no longer think of linearly
I think the current President is ... overstaying his welcome by about 7 years
I woke up this morning ... and already my agenda and emotional resevoir were running throught my brain
Life is full of ... seasons
My past ... affects the emotional responses of my future
I get annoyed when ... I struggle to understand who I am.
I wish ... I understood the difference between protecting oneself and being selfish
My dog ... is hopefully going to be alive for Christmas. Although she will not remember me. :(
Tomorrow I'm going to ... smile because I love and have always loved Tuesdays
I have no tolerance for people who ... don't like herbal tea
If I had a million dollars I would ... move to Norway for the summer.
Sometimes I want to ... be naked.
Home is ... a mix of my roommates and my family and my mind.
We are ... never going to understand the blessing and the curse of Internet distractions
This weekend ... I will be, oh my word, in Pennsylvania for the first time in a year
I understand ... that I can't be everything I want to be today
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Lyricize my life

Amos Lee - The voice of my life.

Careless

You speak of love
But you ain't no lover
You were a friend
More like a brother

As the miles pass beneath me
The sounds made so sweetly came to an end
And no man can deny her but now you're a liar
And you've no room left to defend

When I left
I should have known better
Of the kind of man that you are
You'd have to get her

And I know you got a lot of pain
That's born inside you
But instead of growing stronger
You let it divide you, oh

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless

And the waves that are crashing
True lives of passion washing on your shore
Yes Sir, life has been costing
A true love's been lost
And I can't get back anymore

And I'm sure
That we both still both love her
And it's a shame we both lost her
And in time lost each other

But a trust has been broken
And words have been spoken
But you can mend
And no man can deny her
And as you laid beside her
I hope it felt good my friend

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless with her heart

Winter Wonders

When the world is as white as it is now
it reminds me that sometimes the miracle of a clean slate
falls on us when we least expect it
and all of the slipping and sliding we do in life
can be softened and silenced by fresh snow.

Here's to new beginnings... wherever they may be found.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

The novelty of short stories

When I was in third or fourth grade my teacher gave us a Christmas creative writing assignment. We were instructed to write a short story that personified a symbol of Christmas and tell the story from that object or animal's perspective. I'm sure there were a lot of stories about the Christ child and Santa Claus, which I'm sure were lovely. I decided, however, to write my first environmentalist piece. So from the time I was 9 or 10 I was a liberal, tree-hugger. And my converted Republican hippie parents (soon to be converted back for the next election) wonder why I'm a card-carrying Democrat.

Nonetheless, I wrote about a Christmas trees idyllic life on a tree farm. The tree lived happily, without any concept of what Christmas was beyond a few murmured words from people walking by him. This was his existence until one day he saw an adorable family hiking through his section of the farm. He couldn't help but think that the children were cute and that the family was cheerful. But suddenly he felt a sharp, metal object slice through his torso. (I know! I was kind of a graphic 9-yr-old.) The rest of the play is about the tree's slow death and his perception of what Christmas is. He feels some sort of satisfaction in that his death enabled the family to enjoy this special holiday. But eventually the tree is left dead and abandoned outside in the woods behind the family's house. I think I made reference to a pine cone falling off that might spring new life or something like that. I was very much a product of the Disney "Circle of Life" concept.

Now, I think back to that story every time I smell pine and see Christmas trees. Last night I walked into my apartment to discover a Christmas tree. I never thought I'd have a real one living here in Utah. They are very expensive. But it's the perfect size for our apartment. It was the first thing I saw when I walked in the door last night. And I threw down everything I was carrying in my hands and danced all around it. So apparently I have some limitations on the depths of my environmentalism. And apparently my tree's death will give me great joy throughout the next two and a half weeks of December-Provo life.

So who knows what my third grade mind was on about when I wrote that story. I'm just glad to have something that smells like pine and is green in my home.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Easiness of the Way

So I've had some amazing experiences this weekend. I acted my little heart out, met a new person I'm really excited to get to know, gave a lesson in Church that was totally not from me, and was supported financially in a time when I really need it. I HAVE to write more about them. They are too incredible to ignore.

Today, however, one of my fears came true. I was recently asked to serve in a calling I am overwhelmed with every day. I don't know why Heavenly Father wants me but I am trying to do His will. But when God asks us to turn over our will to His He means it. There is no half way and we are tried to see if we really meant what we said. I wanted to be in this show I auditioned for. I felt like I should be. And, it's hard to accept that God wants me to solely focus on this one area of my life. It's just hard. My family doesn't really understand because they think "Hey, you're an actress... this is what you bargained for." But it's not that. It's wanting to be able to have my will and God's. It's wanting Him to line up with me when I know I need to give that up and give myself over to Him. And for someone who feels like her testimony is a little fledgling thing, this is huge.

I've been thinking about what "easiness of the way" means. I think it doesn't mean the way is easy because we get to do what we want. The way is made easy when we choose the Lord's will because if we are listening to Him we will know what that way is. It's easy because then He can bless us even more and have a greater influence in our lives and in the lives of those around us. He can teach us and our minds will grow in the things of the gospel. I've been wondering if the prophet would have agreed with this phrase. He didn't get to do what He wanted. I'm sure there were times when Joseph just wanted to have something work out the way he imagined. I'm sure this is how Emma felt. If this is easy then why am I being asked to sacrifice so much? Like Abraham we are asked to give up the things we want most. What are hearts are set upon.

It's not Sunday school stuff. It's hard. It makes us cry. A lot. I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to be prayerful. I don't want to be bitter or upset. And I'm excited for the journey my friends will take. They will be amazing. And someday I'll work with Dave. I know it. It's hard for me to look at him right now because I'm so full of love and sadness. He is like a father to me. Someone I look up to and admire in so many ways. I don't know what I would have done had I not met him and he helped to change my life. Gosh, everytime I think about Dave I just sob. It's so weird. Anyway. I'm okay, really I am. I don't think my testimony has ever been stretched in so many ways in the course of four months. But Heavenly Father is preparing me for something.

For my friends that are reading this.

I know that God lives. I really do believe in Jesus Christ. Life is hard. It's wonderful and we have some fantastic moments of triumph, but it is hard. I'm learning that there really is someone that has a different and better plan for my life than I can imagine for myself. I believe that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ like the Bible. I believe that Joseph was a man but also a prophet. I believe in prophets today. And I am so grateful for President Hinckley. I'm so glad that there is a God that cares enough about my welfare to give me personal revelation. I don't believe that Mormons have all the answers. I think it is so important to search and dig and really listen and learn from other people. I don't believe that Mormons will be saved and everyone else is out of luck. If I have EVER inferred that I apologize to the great many people in my life who are the reason I am alive, healthy, and believe in God today. You are a part of my foundation. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for you. My life is what it is because of you. And I hope that you are forever in my life. You will be forever in my heart and mind. I love you.