Vain authorship

notes of feeling
felt in my late teens
rediscovered while cleaning and
dusting out parts of me



Sometimes I write in small spaces...

This may seem like a
totally moronic question but
have you ever lied to me?

You know you once told me
that you were becoming a
good liar.
Was I really so naive to
think that that would
never include me?

I feel like an idiot. You knew
you were never going to call
me or write me. Why did I
think you would? Because
I considered you my
friend.

*****, you told me that you
had not changed and
that you had been gay
your entire life. Then,
why should you change
and treat our friendship
differently.

Maybe you misinterpreted
what I meant by love
I loved you as a friend.

I only wanted us to be
friends, nothing more.
Why is it impossible now?

***

I was a liar then, too.

***

Life goes on with or without
the people you love
until at some point you
don't love them anymore.

Sagittarius a flambe

Ambition can be a wonderful thing. I've achieved so much because of it. However, you can burn yourself in your own fire. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't blowtorched myself. :)

An apology

For all of those individuals who know me and who perhaps I haven't been my usual self around, I'm sorry.

It's been a taxing winter. Being sick doesn't contribute positively at all. But know that you're important people in my life. That I'm not trying to blame everything on being ill. That I'm sorry if I've just been too busy. I'm trying to figure out the balancing scales. And trying not to stress when I discover that they rarely are balanced.

Cleaning checks this weekend. Papers to write and grade. Another weekend to myself. Another weekend I wish that wasn't. But another one I'll work optimistically through.

Under where?

Tonight I discovered a very important thing...

Belts are not just accessories. It was a hard won lesson, but a lesson learned nonetheless.

A Week of Love

I'm in love with my friends.
I'm in love with acting.
I'm in love with Aaron Eckhart.

I'm pretty much in love.

Post #100

I thought in honor of my 100th post I'd make a list of the things that make me happy... Here goes.

1. Dewy mornings when you're camping and you wake up a little chilly so you have to restir the coals of the fire and then you realize you smell like campfire from the night before.
2. Fireflies
3. 8th Continent Light Vanilla and Chocolate Soy Milk
4. Stick shift
5. Learning to drive stick shift in one day
6. Phonetic details. Like approximated k's and syllabized dark l's.
7. My roommates.
8. That my brother is alive and well.
9. Modern medicine.
10. Sunrises
11. Strarry nights
12. Having an empty dishwasher
13. Boys that walk me home from school
14. Boys that let me cling to their arms and burrow into their shoulders at mystical scary movies.
15. Being a hippy
16. Being an Environmentalist.
17. Being influenced to become an Environmentalist due to cartoons like Captain Planet and Ferngully
18. Being moved by film
19. Dialects
20. David Morgan
21. Acting
22. Brushing my teeth
23. Veggie platters
24. Challenge 24. I loved that game and won a tournament in 4th grade
25. My yellow power ranger costume
26. Faerie tales
27. Spelling faerie that way
28. Scotland
29. Being somewhere for three months without any cell phone
30. The play The Crucible
31. Our giant Peter Dean poster in our apartment
32. Having French ancestry
33. Coldplay's song Green Eyes
34. Having green eyes
35. Singing Broadway songs
36. Comfortable shoes
37. Having makeupless days
38. New couches that are extremely comfortable and easy to fall asleep on and leave weird prints on your face when you do.
39. Apartment quote boards
40. Fleece
41. Woolrich clothing
42. James Dean
43. Calendars
44. Helping people with their graduation plans because I'm obsessed with organisation.
45. Accoustic guitar players
46. Apples to Apples
47. The idea that I might one day win an Apples to Apples card
48. Long drives to Farrensville
49. Changing leaves
50. Playing at a playground after midnight and watching the lightning strike Mount Timpanogas
51. Cuddling during hail storms
52. Learning to let go
53. Sometimes saying a good swear
54. Amos Lee
55. Making random lists like this one
56. Friends that love me unconditionally
57. Bikinis
58. Fancy straws to use to drink fancy drinks
59. Furlined hoods on jackets
60. The fact that I cleaned for pagans
61. Curly hair
62. Boys that know how to wear jeans
63. People who inspire me to work harder
64. Lotion
65. Dangly earrings
66. Summer dinners
67. Grass
68. Homemade cookies
69. Making out :p I've got to be honest
70. Watching tropical fish swim
71. Traveling
72. Making friends with people on long air flights
73. Hiking
74. Going fishing with people and reading or just sitting near them
75. Parker Dam State Park
76. Christmas everything
77. Boston Terriers
78. My mom's French Toast
79. My guitar
80. Homemade pizza
81. Learning about other people's belief systems
82. Smiling wider than is pretty
83. Being barefoot
84. Reading novels
85. My collection of 50 cent pieces my Grandfather gave me
86. Being a Democrat (especially because it reminds me of my Grandfather
87. John Denver
88. Oversized towels
89. Clothing/sheets that come right from the dryer
90. The amazing threesome: Clean sheets, fresh made bed, showered, and newly shaved legs
91. Little girls dancing
92. The Redwoods
93. Hawk Hill
94. Crying when necessary
95. William Shakespeare
96. Seeing Ian McClellen in King Lear at the Globe this summer
97. The back porch of my home home
98. Ice cold water after exercising
99. New people
100. The smell of freshly baked bread

It's a Beautiful Day in Pennsylvania

A knowing voicemail from my mother.

Hi Miss Emily! How are you doing today? I'm going out for a hike. It's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania. And I just thought I'd call and tell you how much I love you... a bushel and a peck. See you later. Love you alligator. Bye.

We sang A Bushel and Peck in class. She didn't even know we were doing Guys and Dolls. :)