Growing Pains

There are things I just want to be able to do. It frustrates me when I keep getting the right doors open and closed by the Lord, evidence to keep heading down my occupational track. And then when the opportunities arise I just don't necessarily have what it takes. But in order to get what it takes I need the resources I can't seem to get at.

If a worldly plan is impossible or wrong then why does God so often test our ability to walk in faith to the maximum?

Yikes!

Okay... I like to believe that I'm attracted initially to men for reasons other than physical. That's usually how it happens to me. I mean, even if that's not true, my mind isn't so objective on the matter. It never goes... "damn he's hott. I should ask him out." Nope. It may go "wow, he's talented. Or shoot he's motivated." And a teensy corner may say "attraction factor." But my brain never usually is that shallow. Or maybe is never really that honest with itself. You can decide. You may beg to differ. :) And I guess I never really imagined that I could get my dream guy. Chalk it up to insecurities I've had about my appearance. What people have said about my "dominant personality." Or a slew of other reasons. I think I speak for the majority of the female sex when I say I wouldn't say no to the dream guy... but let's be honest. (And I've always thought of the idea of Prince Charming somewhat ridiculous. I'm cursed with a hyper imagination about some things and a dead realism bordering on pessimism with others.) Don't get me wrong. I've dated some good lookers. And some fabulous guys. Really great.

But this is the kind of guy I go for.

And again here.














And why not another for good measure... ugh, darn Enchanted... why? why? why?


















And yeah... how could I not put Daniel Day-Lewis in. I mean... hello my shallow self!





I know what you're thinking. "Show some originality, Emily." And I guess, my version comes with quirks. My cousin and I developed a secret code to describe out perfect guy. We call him a nine. He's great but not too great. We like athletic but not ripped. We like cute but not gorgeous. We like him to be real. In my case we like him with scruff, freckles, and I don't know maybe some sort of scar he got from trying to do some trick on his bike. (Hmm. That sounds creepy. Really I'm the one who got the scar from trying to flick my brother off while bike riding and flipping over the handle bars. Let that be a lesson to all you young ones experimenting with signed curse words.)

Less this be a shallow Cosmo article (no offense to those who like Cosmo... and probable offense to those who already think I've indulged way too much in this post.) I love wit, I love other nationality-ness or at least an appreciation of it, I love banter. I love guys that make me stop worrying about myself. Who keep me on my toes. Who relax me at the same time that they do this. Who have opinions. Challenge mine in positive ways. Who have personal insecurities and imperfections (cue the stupid bicycle scar).

So now that this person is almost in my life... how do I not screw it up?

Working through things

There's so much in a pause
it's hard to keep from knowing
the dangerous hums and has
as silence keeps growing

And I can read your eyes
the gentle apprehension
wanting to break a lie
instead just building tension

And I can't stay here long
you're killing my confidence
or at least faulty pretense
that I wasn't ready to let go of

And if i come on strong
it's the rage of wanting something more than this
the lingering of your kiss
and love... believing in love

You can stop my lips
I see them running out my mind
Words I will regret
the sooner you can

And I can't stay here long
but my lips won't move
as I fight back a throng
of tears ready to be loosed

Cause if you see me cry
our ceasefire just drags out
and I am forced to be shy
of feelings I can't allow

A vote?

I have to do an acting ethics project and am trying to choose between the following individuals to study up on. One is the lovely Juliette Binoche. Who I want to be in my acting roles... seriously, she's wonderful. If I could just play the roles they would have given to the younger Juliette that would be perfect.

Also have thought about... Ellen Degeneres! Who I think is very involved in appropriate children's media, animal rights issues, and is a wonderfully talented, socially active, American comedic actress. Tough choice.

Things Difficult

1. Really feeling sorry.
2. Finding enough hours in the day
3. Holding yourself back from sharing with someone how much you care about them
4. Being truly vulnerable
5. Uncramping your fingers. Seriously.
6. Keeping in touch with everyone that you wanna.
7. Saying goodbye.
8. Letting people go who you could keep.
9. Really trying to be faithful
10. My dreams
11. Being a good sister.
12. Falling in love.
13. Making money
14. Not wanting more money
15. Learning the butterfly stroke
16. Leaving your home
17. Not knowing where your home is
18. Suppressing a kiss
19. Figuring out WHY your computer is temperamental
20. Cramming a semester of Physical Science into one challenge exam.
21. Trying to break old procrastination habits. :)

Apologies and Longing

I think it's fair to miss someone even if the time you've spent with that person is fleeting. It's like the people I want most to be excited for me are anything but. And so I keep wanting them to be and they're not. And that hurts.

And as for my ... I just wonder. You may not want a relationship with him (as you tell me over and over) but I know that you're jealous. And I don't mean jealous in that silly snively way. I think you're mad that I've taken you're friend away or complicated the issue. And I think you feel like I make everything orbit around me. Or that I take everything that's yours. And I'm sorry. I don't know what to do for you. If I concede you run with it and I feel walked over and less than half a person. If I carry on, you're not there for me, you resent me, and I feel like less than half a person for somehow (directly or indirectly) tampering with your life. I don't know what the best answer is. So I'm sorry that there's awkwardness.

:)

I'm definitely no worse for the wear.