Did you ever just feel so nauseated from personal emotions that you wanted to vomit them all over the sidewalk and never have to deal with them again? I know. The image is graffic. I just feel so... sick. I don't know. I feel confused, disappointed, tired (thank you mono-relapse), overwhelmed, and lazy. And, I just feel like a slacker for feeling this way. There are so many elements out of my control and while I should be able to recognize this and move on I keep snagging my foot in the door.
Today was incredible for me in Improv though. I took risks I never would have taken before. I guess I just wanted the opportunity to prove what I have on stage. Is that vain? I don't know. I just want to cry from feeling... lost. It's not about not getting a part. It's not about other problems and struggles I'm currently dealing with. It's a general all around feeling. I'm tired of it. I know that I'll learn something from this crap I'm feeling right now. But, for once I'm tired of lessons. I know that I have to trust God knows what is best for me. Right now though I'm having a hard time. I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I can't think, "Hey, you know what's best. If I willingly turn my life over to you, you will make me happier than I could ever make myself alone." I hate that I feel like I'm making myself unaccessible to the Atoning power of Jesus Christ. I want to be forgiven and feel peace. I want to be rid of all my ill feelings so I can accomplish what I need to.
I guess if I can't vomit physically (and trust me my stomach definitely wants to) a verbal hurling will have to do. So here's a page full of blah. And here's a vulnerable Emily for the taking.
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1 comment:
Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing fine. It's the people who think they have everything together who should worry.
Things will get better, but you knew that already. It looks like you already took something good out of it, and it isn't vain to prove yourself. It would be dishonest not to.
Also, make sure no physical vomiting, you're too skinny as it is.
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