I'm really tired of guys right now. I know I'm going to sound like the typical spinster/feminist but honestly.
Today, I'm studying in the library and this guy that used to be my friend and we used to have these great conversations and we used to hang out on occassion, treated me so coldly. I don't know what I did to deserve it. I never backed out of my friendship with him. I never changed my personality. I never expected anything of him. I'm still trying to be cordial and polite but all I get is sharpness.
This same thing happened to me with another boy who is in a lot of my classes. This is going to sound uber-insecure, but I just haven't been feeling... I don't know. How do you put it in words? Because it's more than physically attractive. I'm not stupid enough to allow these guys to influence whether or not I'm beautiful. I feel like I'm not fun, or spontaneous, or interesting, or too smart. And, I know I shouldn't care what they think. But lately, I... I've been feeling insecure. Blah. It's out there.
I'm not writing this blog so that I guilt anyone into telling me I'm a wonderful person. I want to let you know and more importantly myself know that I am human. I feel shy, confused, embarrassed, guilty, at different times. Sometimes all at once. I don't want anyone to ever think that because of the faith that I claim as my own that I have all of the answers or that I'm never depressed. While I feel like there are things in my life I need to change, I don't feel like I'm "sinning." I don't think doubting/questioning areas of my faith is a bad thing. And it's not pulling the foundation out from under me. I don't think God is dissastisfied by my questioning either. And I don't think even if I were totally assured in my convictions that I would never feel this hodge-podge of melancholy that I'm feeling right now. And, I know that I do experience moments of exquisite joy. Primarily when it concerns my family.
Life is so interesting. For those of you who read this, thanks for going along for the ride. Know that I love you. More than anything. Know how happy you make me and that there is never a day when I'm not thinking about you, your happiness, and all that you give me. Love. Love. Love. I send it to you.
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2 comments:
haha, you got spammed!
i know how you feel, we all do. just remember that there are plenty of people out there (like me!) who think you're wonderful and don't need to be goaded into saying it.
and boys suck. maybe they were just PMSing. just be thankful you're not surrounded by gay bois because they don't get cold, they get bitchy...it's not pretty...or pleasant...
Oh rest assured, you're not interesting- you're fascinating. You may've halfway prohibited it, but some of us will take any excuse we get to compliment you.
You are wonderful, beautiful, fun, disgustingly talented, and so selfless that you get confused when most people would be angry. You're innocenct without being ignorant, and optimistic even when you doubt. If you weren't spontaneous you wouldn't love spontaneity, and if being smart isn't sexy . . . well then I guess we're all screwed.
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