Batting Average

How many strikes and you're out?

Dean

Dean Duncan liked my voice over work!

Pride in ?

Being in a field that only accepts 6-8 people a year has had several effects on me.

1. It has made me work desperately to prove that I am worthy of being in the major.
2. It has given me a certain amount of confidence in my ability to pursue this career.
3. It has provided me with opportunities to grow and work with some amazing professors who have not only developed my acting skills but have aided me in overcoming a lot of inner struggles.
4. It has -by nature of a non-open major- made me look at myself in comparison to others. This I don't like because I've noticed elements of pridefulness.

I'm growing and stretching. And more importantly at least I'm noticing. Life is so fascinating. I only have so much time and its interesting to see how I'm spending it and what I'm thinking about.

Yep that's me.

I'm such an emotional creature.

Blessings

I just started crying because I witnessed one of the most beautiful things I think I will ever witness in my life. I am watching Hamlet during its final dress and someone got injured. And suddenly all of the men in the cast circled around and offered a blessing of healing. And I thought, that's what the Gospel is for. And, if we could only have that spirit all the time reminding us of family and that life continues beyond this one, how different life would be. How much kinder, connected, and patient we would be.

I love the Gospel. I really do. What comfort it gives me, what knowledge and hope for my own life. What love it gives me for others.

Today's Emily

With every great thing comes a ton of little mini-crisis (and a few large ones thrown in the mix too).

With every confidence gained comes a ton of little nagging insecurities.

With every new level of inner-strength I have the more I like the person I'm becoming.

The Most Wonderful Thing About Sharing

Maybe I've been running from the things that would make me the most happy. Sharing the Gospel, even if it's just coming to a mutual understanding of the variances in beliefs, can only rechallenge and resolidify my understanding of the world. I thought that this week was meant to help someone else. As it turns out it stands to help me as well.

Wrapped

It's four in the morning. I'm finally done with the film shoot. The rest of the crew is still on set. A part of me misses the drama of it all.

Lame Excuse?

I'm sitting in my apartment, locked in. And had every intention of going to my 8:00 class today. I feel ridiculous.

Bushed

Fours hours of skiing has wiped me out.

The sunburn probably doesn't help either.

Clarifications

To the following blog...

I'm not saying that sex is the only reason why people get married sooner in Utah. Or at least I don't view it as negative sex. People know that they're supposed to be together and want to be intimate on all levels.

I also think the school schedule factors into things.

Just don't take that argument and run with it. That's not the main point in my blog.

Realizations come in heart pains

Lately, I've been reminded of choices I've made in personal life. Some of those have been appropriate and important, others have been rash and selfish. Overall, I feel that I've made the decisions that I was supposed to make. It amazes me how difficult it can be to do the right thing for yourself. For instance, it took me a long time to get out of a destructive relationship. And when I finally cut all ties I felt immediate relief. But loneliness is always a sneaky thing that brings back old vices. I haven't acted on them, or at least a significant amount of time has gone by since I last have. But, they still cause pain from time to time. It's frustrating.

The recent experiences haven't made me want to take back the decisions that I've made they have only called attention to the present state I live in. And, I'm sure if it were supposed to be different it would be, and I would work harder to change it. I should know that spring always makes me feel this way. People are getting engaged or in relationships right and left. I know that I'm not headed down that path right now. I don't feel like I should be. Sometimes, though, I wonder how much of that is my trepidation or strong feelings from another source. I know that there have been specific times that I knew I wasn't supposed to pursue things. And, I've stepped back or have pulled myself out of the muck.

I'm twenty-one. There isn't any hurry. It's weird coming from the East coast where plenty of people date for significant periods of time without any real talk of marriage. I don't think that's the best option, but I don't really believe in the four month courtship practice so common here. It's a bit hard coming from one culture where people will date for five years and another where people will be married in five months. I don't think I've figured out how I fit in all of that. There is a very obvious reason why people prolong marriage or hurry it up. And that answer is sex. I don't want marriage to be all about that, or because it is a commandment, or because I feel like i have to or because I'm going to be leaving BYU, all of those things are so unimportant.

Basically, I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't want to rush anything with anyone because I don't like feeling lonely. And it's not like it's a big thing or anything. It's just that sometimes you want to be with someone, share your day, share the amazing weather, share a secret. All of those things. I'm sure I'll figure out where I am in all of this. I have two more years of school and I'm going home and to Scotland this summer. So I'm cutting all ties with my Provo life. And I'm reintroducing myself to an old but different environment.

So here's to finding someone fun who's on the same page as me. :)

Unfinished Self

Tonight I'm prolonging sleep in the hopes that it's druglike effects will produce a wonder of poetics. But it leaves me empty. So unformulated... and yet I close my eyes and everything is...

So quiet.

I hear a slippery whisper of truth
I have yet to believe
Something of faith that catches


Love mends my heart and yet
how can I believe in it?
Why must love equal pain and loss?
Fear and loneliness?
Why must I doubt my capacity
and forever seek to give it?

Sondheim and Seurat

So many possibilies.

What I'm Listening to Right Now

Sunday in the Park with George


"Seems we never know do we who we're going to find. And Louis the Baker is not what I had in mind."

"The bread George. I mean the bread George. And then in bed George. I mean he kneads me. I mean like dough, George."

"We lose things and then we choose things. And there are Louis's and there are George's... well, Louis's and George."

"But George has George. And I need someone... Louis."

"Louis's art is not hard to follow. Louis's art is not hard to swallow."

"Everybody gets along with him. That's the trouble nothing's wrong with him."

Notes for my scene

Dot needs the emotional connection.

Dot loves George because he's not perfect. And she knows that she's not perfect. So she feels comfortable. But at the same time George and her never communicate their imperfections. And she feels judged by him because he is so introspective. She's not sure that he loves all of her imperfections or if she is just another model. Does he have another model too? One a little more beautiful. A little nicer. One who is better in bed? Louis is appealing because he is not challenging and he just simply dotes on her. She doesn't have to work for it. Also she isn't as well-liked as him. Everyone thinks Louis is great, "How did Dot get him?" And, she knows that she could "get him" but it probably hurts her because no one thinks that highly of her. At the same time Louis is comfortable. And emotional. And a giver and taker in bed. She probably understands him and his rhythm. George was probably a mystery that she was desperately attracted to. And when she throws the whole "and then in bed George I mean he kneads (needs) me" at him -even if he doesn't hear it- she's saying you don't need me. You don't know how to give to me.

And yet... it's him that she's longing for. She doesn't want Louis to be like George because she knows no one is like George. Louis could never be George. George is who she loves. She wants George to be a little more like Louis because then she would have all the reason in the world to run to him. And I think she desperately wants him to feel something about her leaving him. But he doesn't. At least not visibly. And so she doesn't think it's possible for George to be a little more like Louis. And if it was, could she make him compromise his art? Dot knows that George's art is his life and that George's life is art. Could she be selfish enough to ask him to make room for her? Would she only ruin the beautiful canvas that she knows?



"I can not divide my feelings up as neatly as you do." But he DOES. All the time, in visual images... colour and light.

Dot says harmony at the end. Why?

Sleep is so close to me now

Saying goodbye to one world
I enter a new realm of conscious.
A world I lucidly control
when time and body permit.

Somehow

Somehow today was better. A little more and a little less introspective. And, again no free time, not even for lunch.

Why is it so hard to make it through all of this?

Free Write (Inspired by Artaud)

Collapsing membranes and sidewalk chalk to soothe a ribbed part of myself. I never can tell where my mind is unfocused. It's breathing toxic silence and icy commands. Will I know a full nights rest instead of restless sleep? Smother my instincts and kill my flame or burn a smile in ashy milk. Who gives a damn about damn it. Who gives a damn about railways and camera phones? I don't know what this couch should feel like... a little more sensual or unexhibited. So naked I feel like I'm drowning. Purple shadow on my lids and making me crave sleep and sexy jeans. Maybe we should never touch or maybe I don't feel these things for you or anyone. Maybe I'm still frozen in black lingerie that I've never bought. Or maybe I don't want to write these things and remind myself that I have a conscious presence that I can't find most days. So bleak in the sunny weather. Maybe I should move to the mountains and caress the trees there. They would love to be unearthed. And I would love to send my roots into the rugged soil. So shunning the night and the twenty four hours that are really twenty four minutes that are really twenty four seconds that are really... I can't tell. If I button up my suit will I know? If I stand outside in shorts and a slippered top will you think I need to be tenderized? I don't. Need to be tenderized. I don't need to find life. I don't need to find another junction of myself to feel inadequate at.

A friend's free write

"And rock music is all i can breathe."

Float

Today I did an acting scene and acted in a way I've never acted before.
I started crying in character, but I wasn't sure that it was just my character crying. It was weird, and I don't know what to think about it.

...

I don't want to be a statistic.

A work in progress

we'll always meet on seas a'storm
with tormented winds of insecurity
I'll always wish for a strong hand
to take the helm or raise the sail.

I'll listen to the sound of water
rushing in my bleeding ears
forever telling me that you and I
are separate shades of polarity.

From time to time I may want you
somehow everyone does.
And, from time to time weakness
causes me to reveal what I suppress.

But must you smirk knowingly
as you rescue me from the waters?
Must your salty fingers shake
my bones and graze my sores?

we'll always meet on seas at storm

Why when I ask you a question to help guide my decision, do you make every answer about you or about my inadequacies?

I am a beautiful person.
I am talented.

Just because I need you for a moment does not invalidate any of those things about myself. Nor, does it give you permission to abuse me.

Sometimes when I'm thoughtful

Tonight I discovered that I've grown a lot from struggling.
And I wish that I didn't have to learn my lessons that way.

Summer Light

I was thinking about summer. I can't wait.

I was thinking about my life. And how I never wait.

I was thinking maybe I'll make my life a little more about waiting. And then I thought. Oh that's summer. I remember that.

Today is like watching coals burn

Today I feel a little odd. I think I'm tired. And overwhelmed with responsibility. I'm waiting for my bloodwork to come back. And I antsy to feel again. You know what I mean. I think there are a lot of people I've cut off in my life that I regret cutting off. Or have not even thought I have, when in fact I've isolated myself. So much of it is lacking energy, for so many things. And wanting to know when I'm ever going to feel completely me again. I don't know.

Another spot of ramblings, another list of tired thoughts. Another time when I need to be grading papers or doing my homework, another time when I need to find it in me to do so.