Realizations come in heart pains

Lately, I've been reminded of choices I've made in personal life. Some of those have been appropriate and important, others have been rash and selfish. Overall, I feel that I've made the decisions that I was supposed to make. It amazes me how difficult it can be to do the right thing for yourself. For instance, it took me a long time to get out of a destructive relationship. And when I finally cut all ties I felt immediate relief. But loneliness is always a sneaky thing that brings back old vices. I haven't acted on them, or at least a significant amount of time has gone by since I last have. But, they still cause pain from time to time. It's frustrating.

The recent experiences haven't made me want to take back the decisions that I've made they have only called attention to the present state I live in. And, I'm sure if it were supposed to be different it would be, and I would work harder to change it. I should know that spring always makes me feel this way. People are getting engaged or in relationships right and left. I know that I'm not headed down that path right now. I don't feel like I should be. Sometimes, though, I wonder how much of that is my trepidation or strong feelings from another source. I know that there have been specific times that I knew I wasn't supposed to pursue things. And, I've stepped back or have pulled myself out of the muck.

I'm twenty-one. There isn't any hurry. It's weird coming from the East coast where plenty of people date for significant periods of time without any real talk of marriage. I don't think that's the best option, but I don't really believe in the four month courtship practice so common here. It's a bit hard coming from one culture where people will date for five years and another where people will be married in five months. I don't think I've figured out how I fit in all of that. There is a very obvious reason why people prolong marriage or hurry it up. And that answer is sex. I don't want marriage to be all about that, or because it is a commandment, or because I feel like i have to or because I'm going to be leaving BYU, all of those things are so unimportant.

Basically, I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't want to rush anything with anyone because I don't like feeling lonely. And it's not like it's a big thing or anything. It's just that sometimes you want to be with someone, share your day, share the amazing weather, share a secret. All of those things. I'm sure I'll figure out where I am in all of this. I have two more years of school and I'm going home and to Scotland this summer. So I'm cutting all ties with my Provo life. And I'm reintroducing myself to an old but different environment.

So here's to finding someone fun who's on the same page as me. :)