I am AMAZING!

I finished my grades!!!!!

After 12+ hours packing to go home, so many more getting my life together before leaving to come home, 38 hours on the road, and 11 hours of grading (8 of which were done today), I can finally do whatever the hellaballue I want. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

And that will probably be nursing my knotted up back, fingers, wrists, and legs.

Things I've Accomplished

*Managed to adjust to the fact that my roommates are getting married in August
*Accepted that marriage is an okay thing (at least for them ;) )
*Got cast as a lead in a BYU musical during a Fall/Winter semester
*Obtained my ORCA check
*Spent $788 on a roundtrip flight to London
*Completely changed my life plans for the spring in a 30 minute discussion with my brother over lunch
*Packed for a straight 12 hours
*Managed to sell my spring/summer contract (that has been taking me over two months to sell) in four days when I started going at it fiercely
*Kept a secret about myself from my parents -which is nearly impossible-
*Full on suprised my family by randomly coming home with my brother instead of staying in Utah Spring Term
*Made my mum jump up and down like a little kid
*Became better friends with my brother after spending 38 straight hours with him
*Convinced someone I was having an affair (even though that was not really my intent when my brother and I checked into our hotel... creepy)
*Listened to almost every song in my IPod at least once during the 38 straight hours
*Discovered that Nebraska gas stations' bathrooms are probably the cleanest in the nation
*Realized I like lists -thanks to the person who inspired it-
*Got a 72% on Guitar Hero playing it on the hard level solo style
*Understand that I have been going full force at school for way too long. That I need to lighten up a bit.
*Talked to my cousin for three hours about the pros and pitfalls of relationships. Well, she mainly talked and I listened. I missed her sooo much.
*Began to realize how much my family loves and misses me when I'm gone
*Remembered how much I like pickled eggs
*Helped my papa pick out the perfect suit, white shirt, and tie (Pinstripe black suit and a red metallic-like power tie)
*Spent a half an hour trying male scents until I finally found one that I think matched my father's personality and was pleasant to my mum
*Realized that I would be good in sales
*Realized that maybe I should get on that
*Developed confidence that I am going to succeed
*Have discovered I'm at peace with where I am in my life
*Played with my dog. She's a Boston Terrier and will be celebrating her 17th birthday this year.
*Decided I want a puppy for my dog to play with.
*Came up with an awesome movie idea with my brother for a new Owen Wilson / Ben Stiller combo
*Realized I have been away from home long enough for the geographiic and environmental surroundings to seem weird
*Also realized I will get spring twice this year. :)

To My Unwanted Enemy...

Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming. And in my dream's dream I met you and not on angry terms. We both apologized and reconciled so many differences we've allowed to creep in. And smiled. I hadn't seen you smile, I mean really smile, in such a long time. We may have even hugged. I woke up from my dream's dream and felt such sorrow as I continued to exist in my subconscious. Because we had not made up. We were not friends. We weren't even people who could see each other without feeling bitterness. And then you walked past me. And somehow I had the courage to say, "I dreamt about you last night." And you didn't keep on walking. You stopped and simply said with a slight smile, "Oh?" And I told you about how what we talked about, how we had both apologized, and realized how much time we wasted violently pushing and pulling the other down and away. After I explained my dream you didn't walk away and I asked, "Do you think that could happen for real?" And you said, "Yeah." And that was it. Everything was repaired. You didn't fall in love with me. I didn't need you to. But a silence could finally descend. And you could go without leaving me damaged.

And then I woke up. From my dream. And I realized that nothing had changed. You still hate me. But somehow a part of me has let that go. Somewhere a dream's dream's and a dream's version of you and I can breathe the same air and smile at each other. And that is enough for now and possibly forever.

When you will you will

Abercrombie Fierce

You shun me from your screwed up life.
I don't even get the choice
to ignore you. You've already
taken that from me.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

If I erase your memories I'm left
with black holes of sorrow. But this
longing for reconciliation
has left the same emptiness.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

Am I looking for an emotional high?
Do I shoot you into me
and linger in the recreation
of our lives?

I can't think of you
without getting emotional.
What kind of control
is that?

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

So many things to remember
about the way you held me up
softness that burns in the
hatred used to keep me down.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

Waiting

For now I am content sitting
waiting for the mystery's revelation
watching the wind sweep up the leaves
and blow them into my arms

I should've thought about you
before you left without sensation
saying goodbye through state lines
crossing paths while passing cars

Confi-dents

I am learning patience.

No matter how many times I am hurt by people... I cannot let it change my positivity.

But I cannot let my unwillingness to be pulled down by pessimism be a source of unrighteous pride. I cannot let the pride or judgment of others lead me to feel justified in myself and my own life standing to where I feel better than others.

I can only be satisfied and happy with myself on my own terms and my own concept of God.

Care package asap...

My brother just got called to serve in the California Riverside mission!!!!

He leaves June 13th. :/ :)

At Least I Know It

Today I received the following phrase over three times from multiple roommates. I think there is a lesson to be learned in...

"At least you know it."

The first time this was said today

Me: "So many of my friends are getting married. It's really weird."
Alli: "Emily, stop saying that's weird or it will scare you to death if you ever get there."
Me: "Alli, I think I'm just realizing that I'm kind of afraid of marriage."
Alli" "Well, At least you know it."

The second instance

Me: "I'm just really not looking forward to this date tonight. I just don't think our personalities click or compliment. I feel bad for feeling this way and don't want to express it on the date or lie either."
Alli: "At least you know it."

And the third

Me: "Man, I fall in like with boys really quickly."
Hillary: "Well, at least you know it."


Why do I always "know it" and don't when it comes to relationships?

Little Women

Jo... here I come!

My ex is .... like the variable. Who wants to be the new solution to my algebraic wonders of love? (Cheesy, but it's late.)
Maybe I should ... put money toward owning a house that I can build huge walls around my pool so I can skinny dip every day.
I love ... owls and things that are the colour green.
I don't understand ... why I haven't gone to bed yet.
I lost my ... patience for a certain show I'm "in" or a slave to.
People would say that I'm ... perhaps not as nice as I was before. But then people would also say that I've come into my own a bit more too.
Sex is ... like one of my favourite poems "To His Coy Mistress"
Love is ... caring enough about a person you don't make them sleep in another bed when they're sick.
Somewhere, someone is ... praying for help
I will always ... love musky, dewy woodsy smells.
Forever is ... something that I used to be and sometimes still am terrified of
I think the current President is ... reaffirming antidisestablishmentarianism. And, like me, doesn't know how to spell it
I woke up this morning ... and went back to bed two hours later before really getting up for the day
Life is full of ... pillowcases
My past ... is now another land
I get annoyed when ... I can't sing properly
I wish ... I had a better audition prepared
My dog ... at home... :(
Tomorrow I'm going to ... be busy ALL day
I have no tolerance for people who ... are labeled and accepted as a prick by everybody and so they can get away with dehumanizing people without anyone objecting
If I had a million dollars I would ... go buy a house and put that wall up
Sometimes I want to ... sleep under the stars
Home is ... in Scotland
We are ... just people who need each other
This weekend ... will be EASTER with my siblings
I understand ... that I'm smarter than I thought
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Poetic License

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trivializing myself by writing out my feelings "poetically."

And sometimes I wonder how many individuals I've trivialized as the subjects of my feelings and thoughts.

There is some poetic nerve it within me right now. That is forever critical, even of itself.

Unfeeling Freedom

If I make it this far
without needing your help
am I standing alone
or am I selfish as hell?

If you want me to stay
and I feel its unjust
am I breaking a heart
that just need to be touched?

And if I do the things that I do
Out of the mere protection of you
will you be able to see through
it all.

If I stumble and wake
and my vision's unclear
I can stand on my own
without someone there.

And if I do the things that I do
Out of the mere protection of you
will you be able to see through
it all.

Just some lines

The Alienation of Myself

Today I walked away from myself
wanting to feel lost
in a way that was sensational
rather than a numbing actuality

So at peace in my complacency
it silently frightens
and feeds my need to leave
a home I've never felt was mine.

I wonder if I've begun to unearth
a past written only
in the corners of a memory told
by family come and gone.

Filling up an artificial longing
created by circumstance
and the lack of regret, I will
discover I knew more than I feel.




Lyrics

David Hopkins- Amazing song he sang on Friday night. It reminds me of my grandparents. And in fact I think about you Nana and Pop Pop.

"Today I woke to a silence. It hit me like a rock. I've letters and books that you've left. I don't read things anymore."

"I once was someone's something. And still I would complain. Now I am no one's anything. I live by swallowing my pain. You know I live by swallowing my pain."

"I sing to remember. And I drink to forget. People's words don't mean anything. Your words will never leave my head. You know your words, they'll never leave my head."

"All that I have done. All that I have said. I wanna take it all back. Tell you that you're beautiful instead."

"I get visions of you. Impossible to shape. And I hope when I die it's you that I see when I wake. I hope it's you. I hope it's you. I hope it's you that I see when I wake."

David Hopkins again- Reminds me of a lot of things. I love you, Rob. I'm glad we're talking. This is for you. For getting over the hard parts. And a bit for me.

"One of these days when you're going through a phase while skies are stalking you. Love is not a honeymoon. But nothing I can say will change your mind. One of these days when I've fallen out of place to someone else with bigger hands taking calls and making plans. I've seen in written in a stone. Did I lie? Did I say everybody's gonna win today? Don't be so nice you pay the price. Tell me something you don't believe. I can see that you've been sold with a ribbon wrapped around you. I can read you like a poem. I know what you know but I don't wanna know."

"One of these days when you're running out of ways of saying poor old lonely you. Maybe I'll be lonely too. I'll walk you all the long way home. Did I lie? Did I say everybody's gonna win today? Don't be so nice you pay the price. Tell me something you don't believe. I can see that you've been sold with a ribbon wrapped around you. I can read you like a poem. And I know what you know, but I don't wanna know."

"You have your reasons. I have mine. You have your reasons. I'm on my side. Yeah, I'm on my side. I'm on my side."



You'll get through this, my love. We've gotten through so much together. I'm on your side.