Loss

...is inescapable. In the brief time we have here on this earth we rarely get to know people as deeply as we would like.

I wish I had a picture of us together. Why don't we at least have one picture?! I miss you. So much sometimes I can't concentrate on life things. I'm trying to hold it together but I just wish I could talk to you. I wish I could go on our weekly Sunday drives. I wish I could hug you. You always gave the best hugs.

I keep thinking I should be doing something amazing with my life. Something I haven't even begun to imagine yet. I feel stagnant and overwhelmed and void of passion all at the same time. I wish that there were some form of contact. I wish I didn't ache so badly for the veil to come crashing down and for you to be sitting right in the seat next to me as I'm typing these sad and frustrated words. I wish I didn't want so much, the things I cannot have. I'm so lost in knowing where I'm supposed to go.

I miss you Tim. You were one of my best friends. I miss your vocal inflection. The way you would compliment me in the library, even when I was just in sweatpants. The way we'd go out of our way to say hello and talk to one another. I know I might have been just like any other girl you knew. But a part of me knows that's not true. I'm sorry I was never mature enough to get my act together in time to really become as close to you as I wanted. I was terrified of so many things in my life moving forward. I was selfish and scared. I was tired. But that was then. I can't erase all of that. Just write it out there to a world (and a few people) who may or may not care that I loved you. And boy, did I.

It's funny. You never realise how deeply you care about someone until they've been removed and you keep discovering (sometimes with greater despair) how many areas of your life their physical existence had been woven into your overall essence. I want to carry you forward, Tim. I want to be to others the kind of person you were for me. I want to love someone, some young man, the way we promised each other it should be.

I love you. I'll go on loving you.

"Me in the rain or the wind
Or the moon up in the sky
The spin of the earth or the change of the tide
I don't know what brought us together
What strange forces of nature
Conspire to construct the present
From the past

Then I'll go on loving you
I'll go on loving you
I'll go on loving you"

-Alan Jackson