I know you think you're helping me
but I had a different idea of how tonight would go
I miss you and you're lying right beside me.
But you sleep so there's no one you're obligated to know.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Poem I've never posted... probably for good reason :)
My autumn sensibilities
I have summered with you my love my own
For a brief season we have each other known
But all the tepid (torrid) sighs and groans
Caught light on wind and since have flown
I have tried to negotiate my mind with you
I search the forest of my autumn thoughts
And once a former memory has caught
But now floats past and all is lost
In all its cracks and blackened hours
The place I leave is all but mine
The leaves and waters have since soured/ The melting sunrises and snow dripped flowers
Without you what’s left to find?
I have summered with you my love my own
For a brief season we have each other known
But all the tepid (torrid) sighs and groans
Caught light on wind and since have flown
I have tried to negotiate my mind with you
I search the forest of my autumn thoughts
And once a former memory has caught
But now floats past and all is lost
In all its cracks and blackened hours
The place I leave is all but mine
The leaves and waters have since soured/ The melting sunrises and snow dripped flowers
Without you what’s left to find?
Inadequate expression
Getting Around You / Getting Around Me
I sit at this train station
Quietly feeling my imagination
Whisking you into the outline
Of a man fronting the ticket line
I watch the ember of a cigarette end
Scatter ashes along the floor’s tilin’
Too much weight sitting on my brow
I sure could use a light right now
Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again
I thought you could rescue me
From all of my insensitivity
It seems since you’ve left this place
I do everything I can to get away
I know I’m livin a mended lie
Used you as another alibi
Not wanting to really invest
Another emotion I can’t resist
Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again
Hard not to feel like this has become
The habit I used to get over the other ones
Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again
I sit at this train station
Quietly feeling my imagination
Whisking you into the outline
Of a man fronting the ticket line
I watch the ember of a cigarette end
Scatter ashes along the floor’s tilin’
Too much weight sitting on my brow
I sure could use a light right now
Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again
I thought you could rescue me
From all of my insensitivity
It seems since you’ve left this place
I do everything I can to get away
I know I’m livin a mended lie
Used you as another alibi
Not wanting to really invest
Another emotion I can’t resist
Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again
Hard not to feel like this has become
The habit I used to get over the other ones
Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again
Democratic Mormon... No Apology or Sympathy Needed
I am so tired of people trying to fit Democratic Mormons into the Church. It's as if we are outcasts or something. As if we all think somewhat contrary to the doctrine of the Church. But because we exist and confidently so we must be explained by scripture or by long thought out study.
I'm tired of people thinking I'm being dissentious or trying to understand how if all of God's children are to be of "one heart and one mind" I can exist. I am not inhuman. Being democratic is not some desire to be a "counter" voice. I don't think that the Church is Republican. Not one bit. Nor do I think that my political alliance makes a more drastic statement on my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
It's absurd to think that the Church must squeeze itself into a two-party system. It has also been too long that Church members in the United States trump their "this is the chosen land and therefore the majority of things about it are chosen" card. Having spent a good deal of time in other places with members of the church that don't give a hoot about the political nature of the American Mormons it seems ridiculous that people get hung up on this issue.
So... individuals trying to figure Harry Reid out, me out, or any other happy to be an American, Mormon, democrat I say give it a rest. Or at least stop patronising the political association of your "mysterious brothers and sisters." If you have anything to ask, ask about the issues. I think you'll find that Democrats feel just as much disturbance and party confusion at their supposed more "conservative brothers and sisters."
An excellent video on this subject and a more articulate description of my feelings on it is found on Barack Obama's website.
The movie clip is called Speech: Religion and Polics
I'm tired of people thinking I'm being dissentious or trying to understand how if all of God's children are to be of "one heart and one mind" I can exist. I am not inhuman. Being democratic is not some desire to be a "counter" voice. I don't think that the Church is Republican. Not one bit. Nor do I think that my political alliance makes a more drastic statement on my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
It's absurd to think that the Church must squeeze itself into a two-party system. It has also been too long that Church members in the United States trump their "this is the chosen land and therefore the majority of things about it are chosen" card. Having spent a good deal of time in other places with members of the church that don't give a hoot about the political nature of the American Mormons it seems ridiculous that people get hung up on this issue.
So... individuals trying to figure Harry Reid out, me out, or any other happy to be an American, Mormon, democrat I say give it a rest. Or at least stop patronising the political association of your "mysterious brothers and sisters." If you have anything to ask, ask about the issues. I think you'll find that Democrats feel just as much disturbance and party confusion at their supposed more "conservative brothers and sisters."
An excellent video on this subject and a more articulate description of my feelings on it is found on Barack Obama's website.
The movie clip is called Speech: Religion and Polics
Monday, August 27, 2007
Waxing and Waning
Tonight the moon is so full and bright. My father wanted to see if it was in fact eclipsing. Of course those eclipse things never happen at normal working man hours, so naturally after a brief conversation with me he retreated back into the house. I remained outside, alone with my thoughts as I so frequently find myself as of late. I kept looking at the stars in the sky giving way to milky brilliance. I couldn't help but be caught up in the witching shadows of the forest I used to clamour about in and the expanse of land shared communally between all of our neighbours. Perhaps, I'm starting to sense that I have few opportunities to drink this all in. I know everytime I come home it becomes harder for me to release my grip on my hometown and all of the simplistic beauty that makes up its constitution. I find that I'm becoming more sentimental and more melancholy with each passing season and year.
I couldn't stay outside for very long. With every minute that passed I felt even deeper twinges of sadness. I think the burgeoning sorrow comes from irresolution over the path of my life. A part of me wants to believe that if there was an opportunity for me to live in my home I think I would take it. But it's not as if that isn't possible. I could have gone to school in my hometown. I could have chosen a different major. I could have... been a different person. And yet, would that person have appreciated all that she would inherit if she stood looking up in the moon-soaked night? I don't know that she would. And yet, how can an acting major with aspirations to travel and see and support herself create an existence in a small, anonymous farming town? That certainly cannot be possible. I think I'm just winding needlessly between choices I have already made and options that were never possible for myself. Still, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss and a falling away of innocence as I held my gaze across our family's property.
My romantic sentiments get the best of me no matter where I am. I'm wondering with my transitive nature, what elements of my life will remain foundational. What will I be willing to compromise for a bit of natural bliss?
I couldn't stay outside for very long. With every minute that passed I felt even deeper twinges of sadness. I think the burgeoning sorrow comes from irresolution over the path of my life. A part of me wants to believe that if there was an opportunity for me to live in my home I think I would take it. But it's not as if that isn't possible. I could have gone to school in my hometown. I could have chosen a different major. I could have... been a different person. And yet, would that person have appreciated all that she would inherit if she stood looking up in the moon-soaked night? I don't know that she would. And yet, how can an acting major with aspirations to travel and see and support herself create an existence in a small, anonymous farming town? That certainly cannot be possible. I think I'm just winding needlessly between choices I have already made and options that were never possible for myself. Still, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss and a falling away of innocence as I held my gaze across our family's property.
My romantic sentiments get the best of me no matter where I am. I'm wondering with my transitive nature, what elements of my life will remain foundational. What will I be willing to compromise for a bit of natural bliss?
Saturday, August 25, 2007
The next time you're sick...
It's going to be all about you.
My wisdom teeth are out and I'm bored but too immobile to read or concentrate on anything for terribly long. I had a list of movies I wanted to watch and my mum sent my sister out with money to rent them from our local library. She rented seven movies. Only 1 is one that I requested or would even enjoy. Even then, it's the one that she wanted to watch.
Weird situation. I hope I never manage that. She wanted me to be excited that six of the films were ones she'd always wanted to watch. I guess it just proves true that better than giving someone a gift that you'd like, get them a gift they'd like.
*A big shout out to some random girl named Sarah for showing the world was wisdom teeth extraction is all about. This is really how different I look and feel.
Friday, August 24, 2007
I love lists
The time for denial is over. I love lists. I love writing them on my blog. I love reading them in magazines. I love including them emphatically in my speech. I love lists.
And since I love them so much I thought I'd compile one more for the plethora of people who read this. (I could probably list you all... but I'll save myself the embarrassment of acknoweledging just how few people read this.)
Randoms of my mind/emotions/state of being
1. There are 4 holes in my mouth.
2. I don't want to return to my text messaging addiction phase. So tomomrrow I will seriously consider having them blocked.
3. Why won't Rob call me?!
4. I miss the perfume/cologne of the UK.
5. I think my sister's new haircut is stunning. It makes me want to do the extreme. Though I love my new bangs and choppy do.
6. I love my cousins.
7. I enjoy colouring books a lot.
8. Can't wait to send Glasgow letter #2.
9. Just realised yesterday that yesterday was when he must have received my first letter. Since he just left the MTC and I sent it to the mission home.
10. My brother is a lucky SOB. :)
11. America's Next Top Model is on all the time.
12. Why don't I get to keep my wisdom teeth? If I pay for the surgery and I go through the pain, why don't I get the damn things?
13. I love my new puppy!
14. I want to road trip to Maine next summer.
15. I need a job.
16. When will I find out about TAing? Ack. Actors. We really do cut everything down to the wire.
17. Why does Dean never return emails? Especially really important ones.
18. I love Stephanie F-B. She's the best.
19. Why does everyone expect me to like kiwis?
20. I'm not allowed to brush, rinse, or do anything to my mouth in a cleansing manner in the next 48 hours. Ha ha. No random hookups for me. Gosh... I couldn't even imagine. That would be the grossest and most painful experience right now.
21. I miss Mr. Marine. Wherever you are near Maidstone (about 2 miles northwest if I remember)... you were really cool. Thanks for helping me finish up my UK time with a bang. And I regret that I only just met you to say goodbye, you were equally fit and nice.
22. I'm sorry *a**. I don't understand what the "No Friends" policy is about. I don't want to have your children. I don't want to be #477 on your list. I just want to have fun with you while I share our time at school together. I thought you might want the same.
23. I still wonder if I hurt a lot of people's feelings this past year at school. It was never my intent. I've loved and cared about so many people. And maybe that's the issue. They never asked me to.
24. I still dream about "you" on a regular basis. That is another something I will never understand. But wherever "you" are know that I still wish there was a way for us to be friends. And though you probably don't need the luck or want the prayers... I still send them your way.
25. Boxers are wonderful pijama bottoms.
26. I want Vicodin right now! I wish my mum wouldn't use me as her nursing guinea pig. "What's your pain threshold Emily?"
27. The blanket I'm wrapped in is the softest ever.
28. I know where I'll take you when we switch homelands Birmingham. So you need to come. And marry my sister. Or best friend. Or me if I'm not attached. :p Just kidding. Sorta. :)
29. Central Pennsylvania is just one untapped secret.
30. I miss being a hick and all that comes with it.
And since I love them so much I thought I'd compile one more for the plethora of people who read this. (I could probably list you all... but I'll save myself the embarrassment of acknoweledging just how few people read this.)
Randoms of my mind/emotions/state of being
1. There are 4 holes in my mouth.
2. I don't want to return to my text messaging addiction phase. So tomomrrow I will seriously consider having them blocked.
3. Why won't Rob call me?!
4. I miss the perfume/cologne of the UK.
5. I think my sister's new haircut is stunning. It makes me want to do the extreme. Though I love my new bangs and choppy do.
6. I love my cousins.
7. I enjoy colouring books a lot.
8. Can't wait to send Glasgow letter #2.
9. Just realised yesterday that yesterday was when he must have received my first letter. Since he just left the MTC and I sent it to the mission home.
10. My brother is a lucky SOB. :)
11. America's Next Top Model is on all the time.
12. Why don't I get to keep my wisdom teeth? If I pay for the surgery and I go through the pain, why don't I get the damn things?
13. I love my new puppy!
14. I want to road trip to Maine next summer.
15. I need a job.
16. When will I find out about TAing? Ack. Actors. We really do cut everything down to the wire.
17. Why does Dean never return emails? Especially really important ones.
18. I love Stephanie F-B. She's the best.
19. Why does everyone expect me to like kiwis?
20. I'm not allowed to brush, rinse, or do anything to my mouth in a cleansing manner in the next 48 hours. Ha ha. No random hookups for me. Gosh... I couldn't even imagine. That would be the grossest and most painful experience right now.
21. I miss Mr. Marine. Wherever you are near Maidstone (about 2 miles northwest if I remember)... you were really cool. Thanks for helping me finish up my UK time with a bang. And I regret that I only just met you to say goodbye, you were equally fit and nice.
22. I'm sorry *a**. I don't understand what the "No Friends" policy is about. I don't want to have your children. I don't want to be #477 on your list. I just want to have fun with you while I share our time at school together. I thought you might want the same.
23. I still wonder if I hurt a lot of people's feelings this past year at school. It was never my intent. I've loved and cared about so many people. And maybe that's the issue. They never asked me to.
24. I still dream about "you" on a regular basis. That is another something I will never understand. But wherever "you" are know that I still wish there was a way for us to be friends. And though you probably don't need the luck or want the prayers... I still send them your way.
25. Boxers are wonderful pijama bottoms.
26. I want Vicodin right now! I wish my mum wouldn't use me as her nursing guinea pig. "What's your pain threshold Emily?"
27. The blanket I'm wrapped in is the softest ever.
28. I know where I'll take you when we switch homelands Birmingham. So you need to come. And marry my sister. Or best friend. Or me if I'm not attached. :p Just kidding. Sorta. :)
29. Central Pennsylvania is just one untapped secret.
30. I miss being a hick and all that comes with it.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Birmingham Blues
So I've been sitting in front of my computer for awhile now. Killing time. I have a three o'clock train to catch that'll take me to London. I'm at this weird hostel in the dumpy side of Birmingam sucking up their free (albeit slow) internet. I've been thinking about a lot of things. I'm wanting to be home right now. I've been trying to figure out why. I haven't been homesick for one moment during my entire time abroad. So I think this is my body's attempt to prepare myself for separation with the UK. It's saying, "hey, you miss your family and friends. It's really good to be going home." This is so that I don't bite, claw, and scratch anyone on my forced way out of the country.
I don't know if I'm really happy about going back to Utah. I think I'm actually kind of depressed about it. A part of me really is anti-school right now. I still have to finish a project that I've been working on here. Reading a novel a day has certainly lost it's novelty. (I'm still trying to figure out that word structure similarity.) I wish I could have infinite funds (if just for the year) and go to all of the places I want to go with the people I love. Unfortunately the people I love (and like) are off doing their own things... ala missions, studying (blah), acting, and being responsible. And they also don't have infinite funds.
This trip has done a lot for me. I think it's definitely loosened me up. My word I haven't been this relaxed, well, ever I think. And it's taught me that UK boys are some of the nicest in the world. At least the ones that I've been spending time with.
Yesterday, I randomly met up with this guy I met once in Glasgow. I was introduced to him as a friend to the boy I'm writing on his mission (we'll call the boy I'm writing Glasgow). I sent him an email this past week letting him know that I was passing through England and going to stop in Birmingham if he was interested in meeting up with me. And he was! And he took the train in. And he walked me around the university so that I could get a feel for it. And we walked all around Birmingham. And then after we got dinner he insisted on paying for it. And he was concerned about me walking back to the hostel and me not getting lost. I couldn't understand why he was being so nice to me. I mean, he's a pretty faithful Mormon boy. It's not like he's trying to bed me. Although if he was, that would have been a pretty successful tactic. We got on well. I mean really well. I obviously still care much more for Glasgow. But this guy that I hung out with last night and I had a great time. If I were actually living in Birmingham I think we would become fast friends.
After all of this I discovered that he barely even knew Glasgow, that I probably knew him better than Glasgow. So I'm going to bed last night wondering why on earth this guy was so nice. I mean honestly. I'm a cool person, I think. But "I'm no Gwyneth Paltrow or anything."
I've been thinking a lot about what this trip has done for me. I think I'm a lot more confident. Sure I still have moments where I'm discouraged with certain issues of my past. But, overall I feel a lot stronger as a person. More committed to things I want. Generally, I think I have a better focus for my life. There are some things I don't understand. Why all of the guys I'm interested in (for more than 10 seconds... because I'm interested in loads of guys for 10 seconds) located in the UK?
What is my future going to be like? This is what I see right now.
I go to school this year:
Acting
Singing
Directing
WORKING tons
Writing the missionaries (my brother and Glasgow)
I go home next April:
WORKING tons
Spending time with my friends
Spending time with my family
Traveling to Maine?
Writing the missionaries (At least my brother and if Glasgow still writes me... then him too)
I don't know if I'm really happy about going back to Utah. I think I'm actually kind of depressed about it. A part of me really is anti-school right now. I still have to finish a project that I've been working on here. Reading a novel a day has certainly lost it's novelty. (I'm still trying to figure out that word structure similarity.) I wish I could have infinite funds (if just for the year) and go to all of the places I want to go with the people I love. Unfortunately the people I love (and like) are off doing their own things... ala missions, studying (blah), acting, and being responsible. And they also don't have infinite funds.
This trip has done a lot for me. I think it's definitely loosened me up. My word I haven't been this relaxed, well, ever I think. And it's taught me that UK boys are some of the nicest in the world. At least the ones that I've been spending time with.
Yesterday, I randomly met up with this guy I met once in Glasgow. I was introduced to him as a friend to the boy I'm writing on his mission (we'll call the boy I'm writing Glasgow). I sent him an email this past week letting him know that I was passing through England and going to stop in Birmingham if he was interested in meeting up with me. And he was! And he took the train in. And he walked me around the university so that I could get a feel for it. And we walked all around Birmingham. And then after we got dinner he insisted on paying for it. And he was concerned about me walking back to the hostel and me not getting lost. I couldn't understand why he was being so nice to me. I mean, he's a pretty faithful Mormon boy. It's not like he's trying to bed me. Although if he was, that would have been a pretty successful tactic. We got on well. I mean really well. I obviously still care much more for Glasgow. But this guy that I hung out with last night and I had a great time. If I were actually living in Birmingham I think we would become fast friends.
After all of this I discovered that he barely even knew Glasgow, that I probably knew him better than Glasgow. So I'm going to bed last night wondering why on earth this guy was so nice. I mean honestly. I'm a cool person, I think. But "I'm no Gwyneth Paltrow or anything."
I've been thinking a lot about what this trip has done for me. I think I'm a lot more confident. Sure I still have moments where I'm discouraged with certain issues of my past. But, overall I feel a lot stronger as a person. More committed to things I want. Generally, I think I have a better focus for my life. There are some things I don't understand. Why all of the guys I'm interested in (for more than 10 seconds... because I'm interested in loads of guys for 10 seconds) located in the UK?
What is my future going to be like? This is what I see right now.
I go to school this year:
Acting
Singing
Directing
WORKING tons
Writing the missionaries (my brother and Glasgow)
I go home next April:
WORKING tons
Spending time with my friends
Spending time with my family
Traveling to Maine?
Writing the missionaries (At least my brother and if Glasgow still writes me... then him too)
Saturday, August 04, 2007
That time I met you
"Well he's real.
That's all I can think to utter initially. I've met someone that I am completely blown away by and really the only thing I can do is thank someone that he exists.
It's always interesting when you've fallen for someone. Because I think it's safe to say I've met some great guys. I've had the opportunity to play a small part in their lives. I'm not always proud of my role or anything. I'm not claiming to be a Isabella or a Juliet. I've more than likely been a Beatrice. And you know, that's that. I don't lament where I am today. Just that that is that. Really what all of this heartache comes down to is timing.
I'm trying to decide whether or not I believe that any man and woman can make it work. I don't think I do believe that. I mean I know that it is essentially true. Probably. But I don't like to believe that. And I don't have to make it work with any guy I meet. (Thank heavens.) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I could probably make it work with more guys than I think I could. But really it's this whole timing thing.
Timing changes what we like. What we think we need. Timing is what introduces us to certain people and blocks us from others. Sure there is choice in timing. We choose which store to shop in. Which seat to sit in on the underground. We choose whether to talk or remain silent. We decide whether or not to kiss the guy/girl back at the techno club. There is an element of choice in timing. But what makes timing stand alone is the fact that frequently we don't know what we're giving up when we influence timing with choice. I'm getting outside of my point. (Either that or totally twisted within it.) Back to where this leads me.
I don't think we can completely fathom timing. I got this feeling to come to Scotland. Everyone told me England and I just thought... no it's gotta be Scotland. And I had no idea why. But everything started working its way out in that direction. I got here. I started my life here. I was expecting something to happen because of how strongly I felt about coming here. I did not expect him.
I think there are plenty of reasons for why I'm in Scotland. I have this incredible new found confidence. It's so light and breezy. Like a silken nightshirt that I always have on. I feel so free of all of the trivial things that have bothered me. I also have discovered a people I love and that I understand. Oh my word, the people I've met! And the love I have for them. They have accepted me quickly, made me a part of their home. Healed me. Really truly. I have never felt so loved. And grad school. I mean, I wasn't even thinking about it and now... now I'm so excited. Really excited. And in the UK? Of course. It just all sort of fits and with my ORCA and with all of my desires and ideas about where I want my life to be. And Scotland gave me this desire to actually be married and have a family. I mean, it was working through me already but now. Now it's tangible. I don't feel rushed or anything. I just know that I actually want that. :)
So is that all I was supposed to learn. Yes. Sure. If that's all I would have gotten out of this trip I would take it gladly. It's so much. I'm tremendously grateful for all of those things. I think it might have been overgenerous to have the next part. It wouldn't have been essential. I didn't need to meet this person. But I did and it's definitely changed something in me.
Yes. He's 19. Yes. He's in the MTC. Yes. I only had a day over a month with him. Yes. I've never had the kind of respect for someone like I've had the respect for him. Yes. I realise the absurdity. But yet...
I'm undeterred. I'm not set on anything coming out of this. I just know that there is at least one person in the world that makes complete and utter sense. And it's not that the people I've known or dated in the past have not. The timing was right with this one. It was the right time for me to meet someone like him. I was ready and wasn't expecting it or thinking that I needed it. I just met someone that I know will change my life.
So maybe this two years thing will work and then again maybe it won't. In some ways I think the two years thing might be even better timewise. Because I only had a short time here. And if he were a returned missionary well then where would we be? An ocean and two years away. But my undergrad will finish up right when his mission does... so? I know. Crazy, right? I realise just how crazy that sounds. I do. But every time I think about it... pray about it even... there's peace. Just peace. Whatever is on the horizon (inclusive of him or no) I know he's playing a positive role. Could just be a cameo. Could be more. Could be that he's taming a shrew. :) Could be that he's just meant to show me how many leading men the world is filled with. I don't know. I'm not worried. I'm just not worried about it. And if that's all I'm supposed to learn. To not worry. Well, that in and of itself is one of the greatest gifts I've ever received."
So thanks. Unfortunately you can't read this. But if you could, well, thanks. I'll be writing. :)
That's all I can think to utter initially. I've met someone that I am completely blown away by and really the only thing I can do is thank someone that he exists.
It's always interesting when you've fallen for someone. Because I think it's safe to say I've met some great guys. I've had the opportunity to play a small part in their lives. I'm not always proud of my role or anything. I'm not claiming to be a Isabella or a Juliet. I've more than likely been a Beatrice. And you know, that's that. I don't lament where I am today. Just that that is that. Really what all of this heartache comes down to is timing.
I'm trying to decide whether or not I believe that any man and woman can make it work. I don't think I do believe that. I mean I know that it is essentially true. Probably. But I don't like to believe that. And I don't have to make it work with any guy I meet. (Thank heavens.) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I could probably make it work with more guys than I think I could. But really it's this whole timing thing.
Timing changes what we like. What we think we need. Timing is what introduces us to certain people and blocks us from others. Sure there is choice in timing. We choose which store to shop in. Which seat to sit in on the underground. We choose whether to talk or remain silent. We decide whether or not to kiss the guy/girl back at the techno club. There is an element of choice in timing. But what makes timing stand alone is the fact that frequently we don't know what we're giving up when we influence timing with choice. I'm getting outside of my point. (Either that or totally twisted within it.) Back to where this leads me.
I don't think we can completely fathom timing. I got this feeling to come to Scotland. Everyone told me England and I just thought... no it's gotta be Scotland. And I had no idea why. But everything started working its way out in that direction. I got here. I started my life here. I was expecting something to happen because of how strongly I felt about coming here. I did not expect him.
I think there are plenty of reasons for why I'm in Scotland. I have this incredible new found confidence. It's so light and breezy. Like a silken nightshirt that I always have on. I feel so free of all of the trivial things that have bothered me. I also have discovered a people I love and that I understand. Oh my word, the people I've met! And the love I have for them. They have accepted me quickly, made me a part of their home. Healed me. Really truly. I have never felt so loved. And grad school. I mean, I wasn't even thinking about it and now... now I'm so excited. Really excited. And in the UK? Of course. It just all sort of fits and with my ORCA and with all of my desires and ideas about where I want my life to be. And Scotland gave me this desire to actually be married and have a family. I mean, it was working through me already but now. Now it's tangible. I don't feel rushed or anything. I just know that I actually want that. :)
So is that all I was supposed to learn. Yes. Sure. If that's all I would have gotten out of this trip I would take it gladly. It's so much. I'm tremendously grateful for all of those things. I think it might have been overgenerous to have the next part. It wouldn't have been essential. I didn't need to meet this person. But I did and it's definitely changed something in me.
Yes. He's 19. Yes. He's in the MTC. Yes. I only had a day over a month with him. Yes. I've never had the kind of respect for someone like I've had the respect for him. Yes. I realise the absurdity. But yet...
I'm undeterred. I'm not set on anything coming out of this. I just know that there is at least one person in the world that makes complete and utter sense. And it's not that the people I've known or dated in the past have not. The timing was right with this one. It was the right time for me to meet someone like him. I was ready and wasn't expecting it or thinking that I needed it. I just met someone that I know will change my life.
So maybe this two years thing will work and then again maybe it won't. In some ways I think the two years thing might be even better timewise. Because I only had a short time here. And if he were a returned missionary well then where would we be? An ocean and two years away. But my undergrad will finish up right when his mission does... so? I know. Crazy, right? I realise just how crazy that sounds. I do. But every time I think about it... pray about it even... there's peace. Just peace. Whatever is on the horizon (inclusive of him or no) I know he's playing a positive role. Could just be a cameo. Could be more. Could be that he's taming a shrew. :) Could be that he's just meant to show me how many leading men the world is filled with. I don't know. I'm not worried. I'm just not worried about it. And if that's all I'm supposed to learn. To not worry. Well, that in and of itself is one of the greatest gifts I've ever received."
So thanks. Unfortunately you can't read this. But if you could, well, thanks. I'll be writing. :)
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