Waxing and Waning

Tonight the moon is so full and bright. My father wanted to see if it was in fact eclipsing. Of course those eclipse things never happen at normal working man hours, so naturally after a brief conversation with me he retreated back into the house. I remained outside, alone with my thoughts as I so frequently find myself as of late. I kept looking at the stars in the sky giving way to milky brilliance. I couldn't help but be caught up in the witching shadows of the forest I used to clamour about in and the expanse of land shared communally between all of our neighbours. Perhaps, I'm starting to sense that I have few opportunities to drink this all in. I know everytime I come home it becomes harder for me to release my grip on my hometown and all of the simplistic beauty that makes up its constitution. I find that I'm becoming more sentimental and more melancholy with each passing season and year.

I couldn't stay outside for very long. With every minute that passed I felt even deeper twinges of sadness. I think the burgeoning sorrow comes from irresolution over the path of my life. A part of me wants to believe that if there was an opportunity for me to live in my home I think I would take it. But it's not as if that isn't possible. I could have gone to school in my hometown. I could have chosen a different major. I could have... been a different person. And yet, would that person have appreciated all that she would inherit if she stood looking up in the moon-soaked night? I don't know that she would. And yet, how can an acting major with aspirations to travel and see and support herself create an existence in a small, anonymous farming town? That certainly cannot be possible. I think I'm just winding needlessly between choices I have already made and options that were never possible for myself. Still, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss and a falling away of innocence as I held my gaze across our family's property.

My romantic sentiments get the best of me no matter where I am. I'm wondering with my transitive nature, what elements of my life will remain foundational. What will I be willing to compromise for a bit of natural bliss?