That time I met you

"Well he's real.

That's all I can think to utter initially. I've met someone that I am completely blown away by and really the only thing I can do is thank someone that he exists.

It's always interesting when you've fallen for someone. Because I think it's safe to say I've met some great guys. I've had the opportunity to play a small part in their lives. I'm not always proud of my role or anything. I'm not claiming to be a Isabella or a Juliet. I've more than likely been a Beatrice. And you know, that's that. I don't lament where I am today. Just that that is that. Really what all of this heartache comes down to is timing.

I'm trying to decide whether or not I believe that any man and woman can make it work. I don't think I do believe that. I mean I know that it is essentially true. Probably. But I don't like to believe that. And I don't have to make it work with any guy I meet. (Thank heavens.) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I could probably make it work with more guys than I think I could. But really it's this whole timing thing.

Timing changes what we like. What we think we need. Timing is what introduces us to certain people and blocks us from others. Sure there is choice in timing. We choose which store to shop in. Which seat to sit in on the underground. We choose whether to talk or remain silent. We decide whether or not to kiss the guy/girl back at the techno club. There is an element of choice in timing. But what makes timing stand alone is the fact that frequently we don't know what we're giving up when we influence timing with choice. I'm getting outside of my point. (Either that or totally twisted within it.) Back to where this leads me.

I don't think we can completely fathom timing. I got this feeling to come to Scotland. Everyone told me England and I just thought... no it's gotta be Scotland. And I had no idea why. But everything started working its way out in that direction. I got here. I started my life here. I was expecting something to happen because of how strongly I felt about coming here. I did not expect him.

I think there are plenty of reasons for why I'm in Scotland. I have this incredible new found confidence. It's so light and breezy. Like a silken nightshirt that I always have on. I feel so free of all of the trivial things that have bothered me. I also have discovered a people I love and that I understand. Oh my word, the people I've met! And the love I have for them. They have accepted me quickly, made me a part of their home. Healed me. Really truly. I have never felt so loved. And grad school. I mean, I wasn't even thinking about it and now... now I'm so excited. Really excited. And in the UK? Of course. It just all sort of fits and with my ORCA and with all of my desires and ideas about where I want my life to be. And Scotland gave me this desire to actually be married and have a family. I mean, it was working through me already but now. Now it's tangible. I don't feel rushed or anything. I just know that I actually want that. :)

So is that all I was supposed to learn. Yes. Sure. If that's all I would have gotten out of this trip I would take it gladly. It's so much. I'm tremendously grateful for all of those things. I think it might have been overgenerous to have the next part. It wouldn't have been essential. I didn't need to meet this person. But I did and it's definitely changed something in me.

Yes. He's 19. Yes. He's in the MTC. Yes. I only had a day over a month with him. Yes. I've never had the kind of respect for someone like I've had the respect for him. Yes. I realise the absurdity. But yet...

I'm undeterred. I'm not set on anything coming out of this. I just know that there is at least one person in the world that makes complete and utter sense. And it's not that the people I've known or dated in the past have not. The timing was right with this one. It was the right time for me to meet someone like him. I was ready and wasn't expecting it or thinking that I needed it. I just met someone that I know will change my life.

So maybe this two years thing will work and then again maybe it won't. In some ways I think the two years thing might be even better timewise. Because I only had a short time here. And if he were a returned missionary well then where would we be? An ocean and two years away. But my undergrad will finish up right when his mission does... so? I know. Crazy, right? I realise just how crazy that sounds. I do. But every time I think about it... pray about it even... there's peace. Just peace. Whatever is on the horizon (inclusive of him or no) I know he's playing a positive role. Could just be a cameo. Could be more. Could be that he's taming a shrew. :) Could be that he's just meant to show me how many leading men the world is filled with. I don't know. I'm not worried. I'm just not worried about it. And if that's all I'm supposed to learn. To not worry. Well, that in and of itself is one of the greatest gifts I've ever received."

So thanks. Unfortunately you can't read this. But if you could, well, thanks. I'll be writing. :)