To pursue or not to pursue

Early this morning (or late late last night depending upon your frame of reference) my sister and I took love personality tests. It turns out we are each other's most compatible lover type. I just thought the world should know. :)

Christmas 2006

Christmas is that time of year where parents can take pictures of you unshowered and bed-distressed without you really caring.

Christmas is that time of year where you are more than okay looking like a transvestite because you have on half the makeup someone bought you and are wearing new platform wedge shoes with your capri pijama bottoms, tank top, and an old sweater.

Christmas is the only time of year where you don't really feel guilty for eating two chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.

Christmas is the only time of year your family finds as a reason to cover up grouchy behavior with the excuse "Let me enjoy Christmas my way, and you your way."

Christmas is not New Years. Families can't make resolutions to be at the family Christmas party on time.

Christmas is the time of year for unexpected surprises, like your spacey teenage brother getting everyone a gift with a sentimental background.

Christmas is also the only time of year when you don't fault your brother for printing out pictures of that sentimental gift and saying that he'll buy it for you tomorrow.

Christmas does not mean your family will ever break out of its redneck tendencies... cue the plastic Walmart bag stockings.

Christmas was never meant to be filled with text receiving and sending, but it sure is nice when all of your friends wish you a Merry Christmas.

Christmas is John Denver's Aspen Glow, Brittney ripping up wrapping paper, staying in your pijamas until five in the afternoon, and being able to make hugs last longer than ten seconds without anyone feeling awkward.

Christmas is the season for my birth, and a reason why no matter how much older I get I always feel young and spritely.

Christmas is the only time that if you haven't been home in a year, no one yells at you for it. Instead they think of you as the best Christmas present they have ever received and there are many tears of joy spent on both ends.

Christmas is my favorite time of year.

Unearthing the past

I used to think I cried
when sorrow was filled to brimming
that it would leak from my irises
and off the edge of my nose.
I used to think that sorrow
came from pain and wrenching loss
that it would ravage me in
terror and neglected understanding.

I've slept with sorrow now.
I understand his hold.
He grasps onto my sides
and stills my restless pulse.
He does not pull or scream.
Or suffocate my breath, but lets
me linger foolishly on dreams
that won't come true.

So when I cry the tears slide
gently down my face
and sobs are a voice created
from a hollow emptiness
I'd like to think it were passion
that created the unrealized loss
but tears come from no arousal
of my self, my lips, my thoughts.

I'm going home to Pennsylvania. It's been a year since I've seen PA. I realized that within the year I have lived in Utah, visited Idaho for a day, drove through Nevada and Wyoming, and vacationed in Northern California. That's it. I have not seen Pennsylvania green in a year. I have not dealt with humidity in over a year. I have not physically touched my friends in over a year. That just makes me cry. I can't believe a year of my life has gone by without touching some of the people I love most. I've had my heart broken and I've done the breaking. I've become independent. I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I've experienced Italian sodas, monkey hugs, and the glory of the Pacific without the people I have known my whole life. I can't really put my finger on what I'm afraid of. Maybe I'm afraid that I've been gone for so long that I don't have a place there anymore. Maybe I'm afraid that they won't appreciate the Emily I am so comfortable with. Maybe they'll notice whatever weird accent I've developed. I know that they'll love me and that all of these things don't really matter. However, I feel so much older. I feel like a part of my identity is about to be recovered. That feels amazing. I can't wait to see people who love me.

Will my dog even think I'm nice?
Will my cousin laugh at my college stories?
Will my parents...

Mmh. I can't believe how much older I am. I came home last time at 19 almost 20. My parents are now 52 and 55. I'm 21. What have I accomplished? Why do I need to have accomplished something?

Even at a distance

I like the way you look at me. And the way we say goodnight.

Documentary in its simplest form

Today

My hair is in leftover curls from drying naturally
I'm wearing pink and gray, cotten clothes that spell out comfort
I smell like Dove lotion
My car is still messy
I think I might have gotten a B on my Linguistics final
I can't stop using weird little linguistic phrases and terminology to describe every element of my life
I might as well have Amos Lee's lyrics tatooed all over my body because they're tatooed all over my mind
I want to be home
I need to put in more hours at work
I have at least a fourteen page paper due in my acting class, I turned in a 22 page assignment for that class yesterday
I'm lusting after my guitar
No one is home in my apartment and Hillary has already left for California
It's bitter cold outside and my hands are still freezing
I'm trying to figure out when I can actually graduate
I want to be a backup singer
I think I'd like to move south for the winter
I hate the last week before you go home because you debate the practicality of buying food but lament when all you have in your cupboards and refrigerators is rice and hummus
I'm wondering how many people can say that all they have is hummus in their fridge
I still like eating ice cream in the winter
There's a snowman staring at me through my window.
I've come to really love documenting my life. Even if its documented in random sentences like these.

After six months I...

My ex is .... going to end up as a friend someday
Maybe I should ... actually care more about finals
I love ... writing on Miguel's facebook wall and my roommates
I don't understand ... emotions
I lost my ... student ID :(
People would say that I'm ... an intensely emotional girl
Sex is ... still honestly on the brain.
Love is ... a mixture or many things. Whose balance I'm still trying to figure out
Somewhere, someone is ... praying for me
I will always ... love Becca and our love of living for the moment
Forever is ... something that I'm trying to no longer think of linearly
I think the current President is ... overstaying his welcome by about 7 years
I woke up this morning ... and already my agenda and emotional resevoir were running throught my brain
Life is full of ... seasons
My past ... affects the emotional responses of my future
I get annoyed when ... I struggle to understand who I am.
I wish ... I understood the difference between protecting oneself and being selfish
My dog ... is hopefully going to be alive for Christmas. Although she will not remember me. :(
Tomorrow I'm going to ... smile because I love and have always loved Tuesdays
I have no tolerance for people who ... don't like herbal tea
If I had a million dollars I would ... move to Norway for the summer.
Sometimes I want to ... be naked.
Home is ... a mix of my roommates and my family and my mind.
We are ... never going to understand the blessing and the curse of Internet distractions
This weekend ... I will be, oh my word, in Pennsylvania for the first time in a year
I understand ... that I can't be everything I want to be today
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Lyricize my life

Amos Lee - The voice of my life.

Careless

You speak of love
But you ain't no lover
You were a friend
More like a brother

As the miles pass beneath me
The sounds made so sweetly came to an end
And no man can deny her but now you're a liar
And you've no room left to defend

When I left
I should have known better
Of the kind of man that you are
You'd have to get her

And I know you got a lot of pain
That's born inside you
But instead of growing stronger
You let it divide you, oh

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless

And the waves that are crashing
True lives of passion washing on your shore
Yes Sir, life has been costing
A true love's been lost
And I can't get back anymore

And I'm sure
That we both still both love her
And it's a shame we both lost her
And in time lost each other

But a trust has been broken
And words have been spoken
But you can mend
And no man can deny her
And as you laid beside her
I hope it felt good my friend

How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless
How could you be so careless with her heart

Winter Wonders

When the world is as white as it is now
it reminds me that sometimes the miracle of a clean slate
falls on us when we least expect it
and all of the slipping and sliding we do in life
can be softened and silenced by fresh snow.

Here's to new beginnings... wherever they may be found.

The novelty of short stories

When I was in third or fourth grade my teacher gave us a Christmas creative writing assignment. We were instructed to write a short story that personified a symbol of Christmas and tell the story from that object or animal's perspective. I'm sure there were a lot of stories about the Christ child and Santa Claus, which I'm sure were lovely. I decided, however, to write my first environmentalist piece. So from the time I was 9 or 10 I was a liberal, tree-hugger. And my converted Republican hippie parents (soon to be converted back for the next election) wonder why I'm a card-carrying Democrat.

Nonetheless, I wrote about a Christmas trees idyllic life on a tree farm. The tree lived happily, without any concept of what Christmas was beyond a few murmured words from people walking by him. This was his existence until one day he saw an adorable family hiking through his section of the farm. He couldn't help but think that the children were cute and that the family was cheerful. But suddenly he felt a sharp, metal object slice through his torso. (I know! I was kind of a graphic 9-yr-old.) The rest of the play is about the tree's slow death and his perception of what Christmas is. He feels some sort of satisfaction in that his death enabled the family to enjoy this special holiday. But eventually the tree is left dead and abandoned outside in the woods behind the family's house. I think I made reference to a pine cone falling off that might spring new life or something like that. I was very much a product of the Disney "Circle of Life" concept.

Now, I think back to that story every time I smell pine and see Christmas trees. Last night I walked into my apartment to discover a Christmas tree. I never thought I'd have a real one living here in Utah. They are very expensive. But it's the perfect size for our apartment. It was the first thing I saw when I walked in the door last night. And I threw down everything I was carrying in my hands and danced all around it. So apparently I have some limitations on the depths of my environmentalism. And apparently my tree's death will give me great joy throughout the next two and a half weeks of December-Provo life.

So who knows what my third grade mind was on about when I wrote that story. I'm just glad to have something that smells like pine and is green in my home.

The Easiness of the Way

So I've had some amazing experiences this weekend. I acted my little heart out, met a new person I'm really excited to get to know, gave a lesson in Church that was totally not from me, and was supported financially in a time when I really need it. I HAVE to write more about them. They are too incredible to ignore.

Today, however, one of my fears came true. I was recently asked to serve in a calling I am overwhelmed with every day. I don't know why Heavenly Father wants me but I am trying to do His will. But when God asks us to turn over our will to His He means it. There is no half way and we are tried to see if we really meant what we said. I wanted to be in this show I auditioned for. I felt like I should be. And, it's hard to accept that God wants me to solely focus on this one area of my life. It's just hard. My family doesn't really understand because they think "Hey, you're an actress... this is what you bargained for." But it's not that. It's wanting to be able to have my will and God's. It's wanting Him to line up with me when I know I need to give that up and give myself over to Him. And for someone who feels like her testimony is a little fledgling thing, this is huge.

I've been thinking about what "easiness of the way" means. I think it doesn't mean the way is easy because we get to do what we want. The way is made easy when we choose the Lord's will because if we are listening to Him we will know what that way is. It's easy because then He can bless us even more and have a greater influence in our lives and in the lives of those around us. He can teach us and our minds will grow in the things of the gospel. I've been wondering if the prophet would have agreed with this phrase. He didn't get to do what He wanted. I'm sure there were times when Joseph just wanted to have something work out the way he imagined. I'm sure this is how Emma felt. If this is easy then why am I being asked to sacrifice so much? Like Abraham we are asked to give up the things we want most. What are hearts are set upon.

It's not Sunday school stuff. It's hard. It makes us cry. A lot. I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to be prayerful. I don't want to be bitter or upset. And I'm excited for the journey my friends will take. They will be amazing. And someday I'll work with Dave. I know it. It's hard for me to look at him right now because I'm so full of love and sadness. He is like a father to me. Someone I look up to and admire in so many ways. I don't know what I would have done had I not met him and he helped to change my life. Gosh, everytime I think about Dave I just sob. It's so weird. Anyway. I'm okay, really I am. I don't think my testimony has ever been stretched in so many ways in the course of four months. But Heavenly Father is preparing me for something.

For my friends that are reading this.

I know that God lives. I really do believe in Jesus Christ. Life is hard. It's wonderful and we have some fantastic moments of triumph, but it is hard. I'm learning that there really is someone that has a different and better plan for my life than I can imagine for myself. I believe that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ like the Bible. I believe that Joseph was a man but also a prophet. I believe in prophets today. And I am so grateful for President Hinckley. I'm so glad that there is a God that cares enough about my welfare to give me personal revelation. I don't believe that Mormons have all the answers. I think it is so important to search and dig and really listen and learn from other people. I don't believe that Mormons will be saved and everyone else is out of luck. If I have EVER inferred that I apologize to the great many people in my life who are the reason I am alive, healthy, and believe in God today. You are a part of my foundation. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for you. My life is what it is because of you. And I hope that you are forever in my life. You will be forever in my heart and mind. I love you.

No product

I find myself a little tired of painting personality.
Exhausted from meticulously smiling in a frown.
I want to snuggle somewhere where I exhale all my worry.
Breathing in a newness that stills a restless pound.
So share my smirk love for you've created it.
From every moment you mocked my honesty.
And for once just live with me in this moment.
Smell the lingering hope that was once in me.

(Unfinished)

For You and Us

I find that I'm a rebel. Even when I conform.
I'm struggling to assert an image
that even I might not believe.
I find you satisfying and a trouble to my mind.
But a journey that I willingly take
on an ever ebbing breeze.

Lingering between two blinking traffic lights,
we find answers in each other.
If we find any answers at all.
And when we touch without ever feeling
I hear myself exhale. For then trouble
is name of the company we call.

But a part is bound to discovering
a softer side of you and me. A peeling and
decaying of a rationalized lust.
So we start again with history that pacifies
greater need. Without confusion we're bound
to unwrap a clearer version of us.

Even on a Sunday

My fingers are callused from playing too much.
My mind is dirty from thinking too much.

Eat your veggies

Green beans are so romantic! *Lick*

Supporting Verizon through text messaging

Recent favorite text messages:

Allison's response to my "So guess who texted me."

"Stupid, idiot, dumb, bad-at-relationships, doesn't-know-what-he-wants, you're-not-for-him-bc-you've-got-it-together boy?"

My response to Curtis's "Happy chaunnukah!"

"Happy black friday! From the tops of the Rockies."

Alli's cousin and Alli on male characteristics

"Yeah. He's silly. To my neice silly and scary mean the same thing."

My brother's response to my "Hey. I love you. Sleep well."

"Likewise"

My recent valentine to Jackie "I was just thinking about you and how much I love you. Thanks for praying for me and believing in me. I finally got out of a bad thing. And I credit some of that to your loving support. Know that I am always praying for you."

Jimmy's "My girfriend is a Democrat. What are the chances of that in Rexburg?"

Matt's "You got it."

Mike's string of conversation with me... all his responses

"Well, hello there little pumpkin. I'm from houston, tx and no i don't think you're lame."

"No i don't think you're lame... even for not letting go because stuff like that is hard"

"he's like glue ain't he? i bet it'll turn out fine. he doesn't deserve u, tha's what i think :-D"

"I'm not posing as the therapist here when i say i know exactly how you feel because i do!"

"Without feeling the draw to go back. i think its because i invested so much in her @ one time."

Jimmy's "I want you to meet my gf sometime."

Lauren's "It's hard when you care so much about a person and they aren't ready for what you can give. But you've got to know that you are amazing, Em, with or without him."

Ty Kump "I saw Sarah fine and sassy just walk by" -May 13th

Katie Crapo "Oh, if that's all. I have to get interviewed for Ophra so that's perfect." -May 24th

Greg Freestone "It's okay, I'm just sitting here watching them make out." -Late May

Jackie's response to my "I'm in Nevada!"

"Congrats- no gamblin or hookin'!" - San Fran trip

Dad's responses to my "I'm on a streetcar, maybe it's named desire." and "I feel like I have Stanley Marshall's wanderlust." -San Fran

"keep having fun. Journal your thoughts luv u Papa" and "Its a great feeling isn't it dad"

Carie's response to my "This date is so boring"

"Sorry friend! Bring up sleeping nude... that ought to spice things up a bit. :)"

Carie's stream of responses to my infatuation for San Francisco

"Ha ha. No more NY flat? :)"

"Figures. :) Just don't do LA. :) Wait, you mean the Utah desert didnt' enthrall you as you drove throught it?!"

"Sad day, we'll convert you somehow. :)"

"No, Provo has had two years. Utah does NOT = Provo. :)"

"Sorry friend! Utah awaits you with open arms. :)"

"Let's be honest, the super cool people like carie eastman are in utah. that alone should make you grateful for this great state!"

Curtis's Idaho response to my "Alli and I got engaged!"

"Yeah... well me and alex got engaged... so there!" -Aug 22

and the follow up to my "It was just a matter of time"

"I'll give u a matter of time."

Allison's stream of insane texts after Curtis drove back from Idaho

"Emily and Curtis sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G!" -Aug 24

"Curtis's voice sounds really deep. Like a imperialist Viking or something. Scary"

"I think he's figured us out, his volume has gone down. Quick! Escape! Before he pulls out the helmet and muskrat fur!"

"No. He wants a Viking woman. They look like the Viking men. You're too pretty. YOu should give him a peace offering from our apartment... Cake!"

"Tell him he can take anything but the fish. Not LAVERN!"

My text to Mike and Curtis yesterday

"I don't know how I feel about living in a world where people need or feel like they need seat covers at public restrooms"

My response to Alli's neice's gibberish - Yesterday

"Maybe its a dialect?"

Amy Fille

I have spent the Thanksgiving week in gratitude for my wonderful family. I love them exponentially. I've needed them as much if not more. But, of all of the people in my life right now I must say I'm the most grateful for Amy. Perhaps that's unfair, Bob and Nancy have been so generous, my parents so understanding, my brother and sister so sanguinal, my roommates and friends so patient. But Amy is so prescient. She is real and tangible. She makes me think about who I am. She allows me to believe in my personal strength. She shares her life with me and allows me to do the same. She does not want me to censor myself. She recognizes how I feel and allows me to feel it. I love her. Sometimes when I think about how different our lives are I wonder how I could become so close to someone so wise and beautiful. I wonder if she finds my own problems trite or silly. I know she doesn't, but the insecure Emily, the Emily that has recently been exposed and mistreated, is fearful and unsure.

I miss Curtis. I do. I miss so much of what we shared. It's hard to step away. I'm embarrassed no matter which way I turn. I feel ashamed for not being able to walk away from this situation earlier. I am embarrassed that I even still like him, after things he has said and the harsh words that were mutually shared. I am embarrassed that I am unable to "just be friends" the way he wants to be. I am ashamed that part of the reason I don't want to "just be friends" is because I know that is what he wants and I don't want him to have it. I feel petty, selfish, strong, and raw. I don't hate him. I feel very far from that emotion. I loved how comfortable and beautiful he made me feel. I loved that we could talk for hours and never get bored. I loved being able to swap music and stories. I miss playing the guitar and singing together. I loved the way the gospel weaved in and out of our conversations. It was so natural. It is an essential part of both of our lives.

Someday I'd like to be Curtis's friend. But now is just not that time. I don't want to marry him. It's crazy that he keeps bringing up that I do. I mean I never thought about it. Not once. Not until he brought it up and even then it was weird. I'm also weirded out by how much he is convinced I am crazy about him. I am as invested in him as I am in any other friend. I have deep friendships. I feel and care deeply about people. I want the best for them. I want them to succeed and be happy. I want all of these things for Curtis. Unfortunately, for Curtis and myself there is another side to our friendship. It's this side that blurs my emotions and simultaneously entices and numbs my senses. I love being loved. I love loving. My friend Jennie once said that we share a similar greatest weakness/strength. We want to give of ourselves wholeheartedly. But Jennie told me how dangerous and selfish that can be. Sometimes people don't want what we have to give. This is how I feel about Curtis. I don't think he knows what he wants. Or, maybe he does, but like me I think its difficult to separate the physical elements of our relationship. And all of my deep feelings towards him and how much I want the best of life for him come out in it. I'm so readable. I've lost "mystery" or whatever because of it. He feels like he knows me, all of me. Which disgusts me. How can he begin to know all of me? Or maybe he feels like he knows all of me worth knowing. That thought should make me even more sick. And it does. It makes me feel so two-dimensional. And yet I want to be held and stroked and told that I am beautiful, funny, sensitive, and soft.

So why do I even miss Curtis? ...After all I've had to say about him. I have come a long way in my life. Curtis has helped me realize this. He makes me feel good about the person I've become. He finds me fascinating and stimulating. He thinks that I am a good, innocent, passionate person who cares about people. He gives me confidence in my callings and asserts my personal endurance. But, it's funny how all of these things can turn in the heat of a moment. How when he has felt trapped or overstimulated he backs away and uses all of these good things against me. We haven't talked in over two weeks. Some of the last things I said to him were, "Damn you," "Go to hell," "I don't hate you," "I wish we could be friends but it's impossible right now," "Please don't call or text me." Two nights ago Curtis texted me at two in the morning with "Happy Channuahka." I texted back twelve hours later with "Happy Black Friday from the tops of the Rockies!" Last night he called me at 11:30. I was asleep and didn't pick up. He didn't leave a voicemail. His roommate Mike and I are good friends and we talked this morning while in bed. (We were on the phone together, not in the same bed.) He said that Curtis came to him last night at around seven and wanted Mike to ask my roommate out and that Curtis was going to ask me out and that the four of us could double. Mike, knowing the situation, said, "What? You want to ask Emily out?" Curtis replied saying that he misses spending time with me, that he thinks I'm so much fun, that he misses the way we used to talk. Mike asked Curtis is he wanted to date me and Curtis said no, that he only wanted to be friends. Mike told him not to call. Mike called Alli though. And Curtis asked to speak with my roommate. Alli asked, "What do you want with my roommate?" Curtis replied, "What kind of question is that?" Alli: "I think you know what I'm getting at." Curtis: "No not really, what are you getting at?" Alli: "Do you want to just be her friend or do you want to date her now?" Curtis: "Just friends." Alli: "Don't call her." And yet he did. I haven't called him back yet. Amy doesn't want me to. I should have said "I don't want to," but that wouldn't be true. So for now I'll have to say, "Amy doesn't want me to."

I know Amy is right, that the more time that goes by the easier this will be. She tells me that I have the right to be extremely happy. And I know that I do! I want to find someone like Jedi. I see how much he loves Amy. He is so intelligent and kind. He is always uplifting her, wanting her to take the spotlight. I want to share the spotlight with someone. I don't want to keep forcing the guy I'm dating to realize that he's worth noticing or supporting. I don't want him to feel like he has nothing to offer me. I want to be uplifted and thought to be beautiful. I want to be swept off my feet the way Amy is swept and the way Jedi sweeps her. I don't want to not share my poetry with someone I care about for fear that its another thing he is intimidated by. My cousin is in my life for a reason. She is strong. She is beautiful. She is so good and right. She inspires me to be a better person and I love her for it. I love her already for who she is, but I feel so close to her for what she gives and accepts. I feel the need to share things with her. I know she doesn't judge me. I know I have to make my own decisions about this person in my life. And I will make them. I'm just glad to have someone who loves me in spite of myself and my emotions and keeps believing in the greatest version of me.

All Souls Day Resolutions

1. I will start every day grateful for the innonence and freshness of it.
2. I will create opportunities to meet new people and develop new relationships.
3. I will strengthen the friendships I value most.
4. I will pray. Often. And I will try to pray more out of gratitude than out of want.
5. I will be happy with who I am and realize the potential I have to be better.

Silencing the Innocent

Thoughts can be destruction in its simplest form.

Missing you could be a terminal end.

Slurring my sleep

I'm to the point where sleep is continually seducing me. I feel like I'm in a Michel Gondry film. Where the dream is the reality I wish to stay in.

Somedays I forget to forget

A long goodbye

Are we kissing? Your presence presses upon me,
the way it did when your lips brushed mine.
And I feel your hands pulling at my hair
telling me that I feel alright.

The distance maintains, a whisper of want,
the way it did when you refused to taste me.
You, afraid to be completely naked so I could
enrobe you in my vulnerability.

Blinking eyelashes. They are the beat of breath
Snagged on your three day stubble and blinked
laughingly at the closeness of your nose.
They shelter me from your emotional tide.

Biting at me. Why do you soothe my smile?
It only relaxes the muscles and leaves them
fatigued from lifting the corners of your gaze.
Teeth that mock the nearness we never shared.






How many poems will I write before I erase the memory of you?
How many days without you before you're not in my mind?
How long will I wonder about your future and think about your family?
How long before I don't hear your voice singing with mine?
How many days before we're free of stress and pain?
How long before you and I are friends again?

Originally I wrote the above in prose, well... tried. It naturally fell into rhyme. Go figure.


And contrary to what may be thought my poetry, while inspired today, is not emoted linearly.

Personal sketches

I've been rediscovering past poetry and whoa. :)

Still

You tricked me.
I was somewhere between your thigh and your hands
when you were making inaudible promises.
The distraction of discovering and being discovered
was more than reparte. It was brash, gutsy, and
right. It was us discovering how we fit together.
Or if we fit at all.

My thoughts were innocently
yours to have. But you twisted them
until I could not untangle you from my mind.
Somewhere my breath was inhaling yours.
What else did it have to reassure it that
you were as dependent upon me as I was
on the idea of you.

I might see you in my present past. And
I'll choke on the memory of the morse code
on every taste bud. A reminder
that with a soft gaze and a gentle touch
I was stranded in the eye of your storm.
How long can I remain immovable?
To be raged upon and tossed aside?
Until your sunrise streaks my face
or until I recapture my fragile self.

Goodbye?

The most amazing thing about breaking up with someone is that at the very moment where you are telling them that you can no longer be with them because it hurts too much, you want them to reach out, hold you, cradle you, love you. You want to share your feelings with someone and have them tell you its okay. But, how is it possible when the person who's loving you is killing the joy you have for life.

That sounds exceptionally fatalistic. But, I'm emotionally raw. I want to have the desire to do the right thing. I know what I'm supposed to do. I've done it. Now, I want to feel like it was right.

Someday

Someday I won't be so naive to believe that I am loved.
Unconditionally.
Someday, I will know that someone thinks I'm beautiful.
And I won't care.
Because I won't be comparing myself to past lovers.

Someday I'll kiss someone so deeply I'll cry for every person
that missed the opportunity.
Someday I will develop calluses.
I'll still feel.
But life won't hurt so much.



I wish I could give you everything you want. I wish I could get everything I need. But, unfortunately we struggle. We're one and the same. I wish I had it in me to kiss you. But, I won't because I feel it too much.

It's a funny day for love or a lovely day for fun

Happiness is being pleasantly surprised... :)

Where my voice finds rest

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore --
and then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load

Or does it explode?

- Langston Hughes


All that can be expected of me is my best. And yet sometimes all I want is to know that someone loves me when I fall so short of even that.

Life is Fine

I went down to the river,
I set down on the bank.
I tried to think but couldn't,
So I jumped in and sank.

I came up once and hollered!
I came up twice and cried!
If that water hadn't a-been so cold
I might've sunk and died.

But it was Cold in that water! It was cold!

I took the elevator
Sixteen floors above the ground.
I thought about my baby
And thought I would jump down.

I stood there and I hollered!
I stood there and I cried!
If it hadn't a-been so high
I might've jumped and died.

But it was High up there! It was high!

So since I'm still here livin',
I guess I will live on.
I could've died for love--
But for livin' I was born

Though you may hear me holler,
And you may see me cry--
I'll be dogged, sweet baby,
If you gonna see me die.

Life is fine! Fine as wine! Life is fine!

-Langston Hughes

Poem in process

I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
his anger has consumed any passion I once enshrouded myself in
I am engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
I could leave this capsized shell if only i knew how

would it be worth it to frame the gaze
that left me balled and rooted to the floor?
i should stay here and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time


I sleep inside a nightmare of two dialated pupils
engulfed in seagreen sorrow that draws me in and out
his anger has consumed the passion i once enshrouded myself in
i could leave this capsized shell in only i knew how

would it be worth it to frame his paralyzing gaze?
it's useless to stay and wait for affection to unfreeze my mind
I should rise up from my balled and rooted place on the floor.
but that would require me to choke down forgiveness a second time

Unsent

I recently downloaded Alanis Morissette's song Unsent. I have this self-destructive tendency to listen to music that allows me to wallow in overwhelming thoughts and emotions. I think people like me have solely supported the successful music careers of Sarah McLachlan and Jewel. I've been trying to understand why I love feeling like I'm drowning in emotion. I think sometimes I just need to hear from someone else the sound of loneliness, unrequited love, and charitable sweetness. I'm just going to include the lyrics. I played the song for my sister and mentioned the guy that was applicable to me in each verse. She laughed because they fit so perfectly. And then she got quiet. It's that ebb and flow of emotional understanding that often can only be conveyed through music and free lyricism.

Unsent - Alanis Morissette

Dear Matthew: I like you a lot.
I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now
and I respect that
I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to
come visit me in California I would be
open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were
when you wrote your first song

Dear Jonathan: I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
and think solely about themselves and you were
plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better
the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's
your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

Dear Terrance: I love you muchly
you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive an-
and nurturing and consummately there for me
I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to
fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the
best platform from which to jump beyond myself
what was wrong with me

Dear Marcus: You rocked my world
you had a charismatic way about you with the women
and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't
let me get away with kicking my own ass
but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though
and that stopped us from going any furter than we did
and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun

Dear Lou: We learned so much
I realise we won't be able to talk for some time
and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could
we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives
I will always have your back and be curious about you
about your career your whereabouts


I know I have a hard time letting go or even wanting to let go. I know that I love self-destructively. I know that I want the kind of relationship that I have with the ocean. Gritty, clear, surprising, natural, inspiring, mysterious, and tidal.

Dear ______: I tried not to care.
I realise you haven't thought about me the way that I have you.
Probably for your benefit and mine. And if I
let myself get caught up in your smile, your laugh, your eyes then I would
never move beyond this stagnant place I'm in
I never wanted to overcloud the simplicity of our friendship
but sometimes life just creeps up on me.

Untitled Reasoning

I'm always amazed at the power people have to hurt and help others. Sometimes I wonder which I am doing.

Branded

Van Gogh sacrificed it for a lover. I sacrificed it for one too. My show Sarah Plain and Tall. The top of my ear is burnt off. On Tuesday the girl curling my hair burnt the side of my face and my ear badly. Yesterday as I was tucking a strand of hair behind my ear I felt something fall off. A chunk of my ear. Disgusting yes. Humourous yes. Do I want my ear back? Yes. Do I let anyone curl my hair now? No!

Today's version of Emily

My ex is ....
Maybe I should ... stop procrastinating and go take my shower for the day.
I love ... good girlfriends and kissing boys.
I don't understand ... why I can't get over my present illness.
I lost my ... drive for good grades in biology.
People would say that I'm ... driven, crazy, and passionate.
Sex is ... honestly on the brain.
Love is ... negotiable. To quote Lori. And to quote me... somewhere in my future.
Somewhere, someone is ... wanting me to be happy with everything in my life.
I will always ... love my best friends, but especially Rob for teaching me about life.
Forever is ... what I'm creating.
I think the current President is ... screwing over our educational system.
I woke up this morning ... in pain and wanting to stay wrapped in the my mexican comforter.
Life is full of ... memories and 4:30 am denny's runs
My past ... creates a large part of who I am
I get annoyed when ... I fall short of expectations. Especially my own.
I wish ... I listened to my heart more.
My dog ... is far away from me.
Tomorrow I'm going to ... get up and relish the sun.
I have no tolerance for people who ... hurt me over and over again.
If I had a million dollars I would ... invest some and take a couple thousand and spend the summer in New Zealand.
Sometimes I want to ... go skinnydipping.
Home is ... I honestly don't know. Bits and pieces of things and places.
We are ... people of purpose and forever dreamers.
This weekend ... I will perform in front at least a hundred people.
I understand ... that everyone is beautifully different.
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise.

Gone with the wind

Every bad emotion and negative thought I feel right now is going to be released to cyberworld. What's been done has been done. All I can control is today and its individual moments.

The Lusty Month of May

To borrow from the tried and true classic Camelot.

I've decided that if such a weakness/illness/or whateverness exists such as spring fever I have it. All symptoms and strands of the virus. The weather here is insanely beautiful. So much so that I have been motivated to start running outside again. (This has served as a humbling experience because I have now discovered how out of shape I am and how different running inside is than running outside. No matter. It's beautiful and it makes me feel great. Once I've finished or made it past the uphill portion of my run.) I'm changing from my pasty skin to my freckly slightly brownish color. I love freckles. People actually want to go outside and do something. We blow off their spring homework assignments right and left. And we do it freely with the excuse "Life is short and so is nice weather."

But probably the strand of spring fever I've got the most has to do with boys. Which I don't think is unusual for most people, but it certainly caught me off guard. I recently called my Dad and he actually asked me if I had a boyfriend. I don't, but I think its funny that he heard an extra bounce in my speech. We'll see what becomes of it. For now I'm going to enjoy the weather, good company, procrastination, my show, playing outside, and the craziness that the male gender presents. May is by far my favorite month.

Missing me

I once wrote a poem based off the emotions I felt from listening to a particular song with a particular someone. Most of my friends will know the context of which I'm speaking. And the friends that don't are the new ones that haven't really been exposed to a part of my life that used to be a huge white elephant in the room. I'm going to put the lyrics here. Because I really feel them right now. I mean every inch of me feels them right now.

In the shadow of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
The line moves slowly past the electric fence
Across the borders between continents

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the shadowm of tall buildings
The architecture is slowly peeling
Marble statues and glass dividers
Someone is watching all of the outsiders
The line moves slowly through the numbered gate
Past the mosaic of the head of state

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the shadow of tall buildings
Of open arches endlessly kneeling
Sonic landscapes echoing vistas
Someone is listening from a safe distance
The line moves slowly into a fading light
A final moment in the dead of night

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is

In the cathedrals of New York and Rome
There is a feeling that you should just go home
And spend a lifetime finding out just where that is


I just am not sure where I'm supposed to be right now. Where is home? I know that doing this show is right. I am always so happy during rehearsal. Perhaps a little too happy because it is so close to a reality that in many ways I cannot have. I don't know what classes I want to take spring if I even want to take any. I miss my family and they all want me to come home for summer semester. But if I do that I won't be able to afford the fall semester. It's really frustrating because its the last summer I'll have to spend with my brother for almost three years.

In all of this is a suffering definition of myself. I know what career I want, but I want a life of experiences to build it out of.

I'm still loved

So the whole time I was leaving messages on people's blogs and they weren't responding was ignorance on my part. See why technology and not people hate me. :)

Headline: Cavewoman gets electrocuted!

Why am I technologically stupid?

Why don't I know how to create the cool extra side headings that everyone else has?!!!

If you chance to meet a frown...

Somethings are easy to predict. Examples: Red sails at night sailors' delight... The ball dropping on New Year's. Fake smiles from Flight Attendants. That village in Germany holding their annual gratitude pageant from being spared from war. Underage kids sneaking into an R-rated movie. How the weather affects Emily's mood. Sun, sun, warmth, warmth, and then somebody upstairs thinking it would be funny to all of a sudden make it drizzily and cold. Blech.

Today was just one of those days. I hate it when my acting confidence is shaken. First it annoys me when it happens. Second, try as I might it affects--at least on a minor scale--my day. Third, it makes me more conscious of myself which makes me suck even more. I guess the worst is when you feel like you did a really good job and you were originally told that and then you watch yourself in class and all of a sudden everything that you were directed to do and were complimented on is shredded to little bits. The hardest thing is as actors we have to roll with the punches. We have to take every ounce of criticism and grow from it. Even if that criticism is hogwash (and I'm not hinting that this criticism was at all) we still have to process it as crap. It still affects us. There's so much involved. And just when I feel like I'm finally connecting with my body... smack... I'm told those impulses are fabricated. It was a pretty sucky feeling.

On a lighter note I had one of the best weekends in spite of how busy it was. Well, except for the Kenneth Cope fireside that I knew would be portentous and knew I would dislike, felt obligated to attend, felt forced to feel the spirit and hated for his sake that I didn't want to be there. But other than that my weekend was pretty great. I still can't wipe this giddy smile off of my face. :) I had one of the best dating experiences I have ever had. For the first time I felt completely myself. I didn't feel like I was holding back to "play the game." I felt comfortable and listened to and appreciated. It was so nice. Even if this doesn't go anywhere (and I'm not sure where and if it would go) it let me know that I don't have to feel awkward and uncomfortable on a date. I should never not be me. So thanks to the person that gave me that. If you ever read this you know who you are. :)

Sarah ugly and stupid

Thanks for the new title. And for the wonderful compliments. You sure are the charmer. I should probably abuse you in our scene instead of the other way around. (In case any of you still have doubts over my sarcastic ability-that was my latest attempt.)

And "plain" in the sense of this show means "I just plain can't keep my hands off her." Yeah. ;)

Love unrequited

If I stopped loving you would it be easier
to breathe, to sleep, to smile?
Would you want to sing again?
Would you forget how to cry?
Would the pain of my existence
diminish from your mind?
Would every moment I've said your name
be bandaged with a little time?

Perhaps I've clung on foolishly
to the branches of a dead dream.
And maybe the only half of me left
is a lie I cannot get out from underneath.
The blanketing comfort of imagined love
is suffocating the life we once had planned.
I promise I will learn to let you go
when every inch of me says I can't.

I am my own evil twin

So I recongize there are problems with saying no to a guy.

1) It wounds his self-esteem.
2) It makes you seem like a jerk.
3) It deters other guys from asking you out.
4) It makes him belive he is an unattractive person which is an unfair assumption of both parties

When what you're really thinking is...

1) I am so freakin' busy this weekend
2) I truly do not see this going anywhere and would feel guilty having him spend money on me.
3) We have very little in common.

Oh and one more reason why saying no sucks...

It makes people judge your sexual orientation. Which again is unfair to EVERYONE. Not just the two parties involved.

More than this

Do you know what I see when you smile?

Jan. 24 2005 Post

How I've grown. :)

"I have an intermediate acting class this semester, and I have to admit that it is transforming me in ways I never would have imagined. We have done two excercises that have made me come out from behind my shell of... well whatever the heck it is (politeness, timidness, somethingness). Today the opening improv game was called "Argument Bump." All of the students walked around the classroom and when we accidently brushed (or bumped into) another person we had to get in a spontaneous argument with he or she. I am admitedly nonconfrontational and to be forced to let out all and any rage in a safe environment where if I let a few choice words slip out no one will judge me (For those of you reading this who are still judging me... get over it. I didn't swear.) was the most exhilaring, peaceful, and rejuvenating experience ever. The other excercise we did was called the vulnerability excercise. I won't take the time to explain suffice it to say that I was not allowed to hide behind anything. I had to be willing to let people see me, every sweet and/or damnable part. This is something I have been trying to do more of. Letting people see me for who I am and allowing them to decide if it's someone they want to get to know. It's a hard thing to do, because what if they choose to say no thanks.

I'm such a girl. I wonder if guys think about these things. Then again, I wonder if most people think these things or if I'm just a chronic worrier/people pleaser. I'm even partway censoring my blog. See "sweet and/or damnable part." It's not even swearing and yet I tried to find a different word for damnable. Sometimes I wonder what God thinks of all my thought processes (and moderate liberalities). I think He's thinking I need to get some sleep and stop rambling."

Hoi polloi

I have no idea what I think about people right now. Why do we fail over and over again? How is it that I can be so passionate about my understanding of others and fall short in seeing beyond their adjectival description? Why do I care so much? About everything.

Do you ever look outside and think about all of the millions of things going on around you? Do you think about all of the thoughts that scuttle through your brain at 100mph in a five minute period? Do all of these things and my relationship to them compose me? Am I something more than that? Do I see others as more than these things?

I love rhetorical questions. I think I should change my blog title to something like "The Rhetoric of the Mind." Wouldn't that be hokey? :) I love people. I'm confused and driven crazy and invest too much of myself in them but I love them. I want to be a part of their lives. I want them to be a part of mine. This is sounding a little like a love affair or stalker infatuation. Hmm. Maybe it's a little of both.

I have a class right now that is loaded with personalities. Every single person is exceptionately different from everyone else. It's strange. When you cram us all in a room together for hours on end the dynamics are fascinating. There are people that subconciously crave attention. There are listeners. People who are quietly observing everyone. There are people who like to say things just to tick people off. You can't help but wondering how much of a personality is a result of their pure essence of being or the result of their enculturation.

...Warm Poo

So I realized I have become a lazy blogger... not only because I rarely ever post but because when I do I put down random poems and quotes and slap what I must of thought at the moment was a witty or "lyrical" title. Gag. It's 10:34 at night and I have a ton of crud to do. Hence the title. (Well, there's more to the title but I don't know how up to explaining it I feel.)

Why am I procrastinating yet again? Because I live in two worlds. It's a Jekyll and Hyde situation but I really don't know if the good guy/bad guy lines are drawn out so neatly. I've pidgeonholed myself in being the good student. I don't just mean in grades but mentality. It's exhausting because I keep adding more responsibilities and trying to give 100% at all of them. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that I'm tiring myself out and not being able to give as much as I want to. After all there is only so much of the pie to divide up and geometry was never really my thing anyway. Back to procrastination. It's a drug in some ways because I convince the Jekyll part of me that I will get my assignments done while the Hyde part is feeling all bad ass because I'm delaying getting it done.

So in an effort to reprioritize my life once again here is my list of things I want to do:

1. Put my heart and soul into Sarah, Plain and Tall because I feel so privileged to have a title character and want to give her as much substance as she deserves. Plus, I'm thrilled about the cast, director, and designers. It should be a great experience. I feel that and I want to contribute to the cause.
2. Continue to be a part of the Thrillionaires... even if it means a temporary sabatical while I do the Sarah thing. I LOVE improv.
3. Forget life for a week and go to California. Because a) I've never been b) Laura will make for an amazing traveling companion c) why the heck not?
4. See the rest of the films that were nominated for Academy awards. This is an ambitious goal. I at least want to hit all of the best pictures.
5. Get a new swimsuit and get a tan. (Ambitious. I know) Even if it means I'm one of those girls people in the Ward gossip about because they go to some secluded portion of a park and lay out. Hey! I love Vitamin D.

I think in my true blogging fashion I have ended randomly. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more coherent and I can provide a better retraction for the material in my blog.

The lyrics of life

A song we sang in sixth grade

Sail Away

My grandfather journeyed like so many others
he sailed with the west and the sun.
He sailed out of Bristol along with his brothers
a new world was there to be won.
He'd heard of the mountains in far Colorado
where eagles flew free in the air.
He'd find a high mountain and live in its shadow
for something was calling him there.

Sail away, away to America
far off over the sea.
There is something there in America
and it's calling for me.

Now what he took with him was what he could carry
his books and an old violin.
And, sailing there with him, the girl he would marry,
a new life was there to begin.
My mother was born there not many years after
and all of her sisters as well.
And all of the years, all the tears, and the laughter
are there in the stories they tell.

Sail away, away to America
far off over the sea.
There is something there in America
and it's calling for me.



One of my favorite poems

Ask Me by William Stafford

Sometime when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden, and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that thold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

The result of single's ward FHEs

A love poem written about me by my engaged "Dad"

As 9:45pm of Dec. 14 approaches
our steak marinates in the saucese
that will in flame our passion
over the grill of our satisfaction

Though, I be not Spiderman
and flyinlg through the air
is too much for me
I can be that normal man
to catch you in my web
and then set you free.

(All the original punctuation of Phil... It was quite the experience)

Surviving Valentine's Day

Well, I made through another day dedicated to the colors red, pink, and white. All during work I kept asking people if they knew the true reason we celebrate this holiday. Sorry Paul Harvey I guess nobody cares enough about the Saint.

On the other hand it was a really surprising V-Day. At eight-thirty I was putting on makeup in the bathroom and Meag was doing Pilates in the living room when there was a knock at out door. She runs into the bathroom and says, "Em. There is a really attractive guy at our door asking for you." So I run out of the bathroom, slowly saunter across the living room (I'm cool), and notice that the person at the door IS really attractive. Unfortunately, I don't know him. He asks, "Are you Emily?" Yes, I am. "This is for you." He hands me this big basket full of Valentine's Day-ish things. It's got Martinelli's, a box of chocolates, some Toblerone candy bars, Hershey's Kisses, those sugar hearts with messages, a teddy bear, all of that. Then this guy reads me this card. It says: "To Emily From A tall, dark, and/or handsome guy" In a moment of boldness I said as sexily as I could. So... you wouldn't happen to be the 'tall, dark, and/or handsome guy' would you? "No ma'am. I'm just the delivery boy." Oh. Well, could you tell me something more about this person? "Sorry. I'm not at liberty to say anything more than what's written on the card." Okay. "Here's our card if you ever want to do business in the future." Thanks. And the delivery boy leaves.

I have no idea who it could be. Okay... well I had some guesses but so far they've turned out wrong. So whoever this mystery guy is or girl... it could be a tall, dark, and/or handsome person... they've maintained their mystery. Although I would love to lift the shroud. :)

As far as the rest of my Valentine's day... I wrote a huge paper. Blech. Ate at Panda Express for the first time. ...And went to practice for this Improv troupe that I am in and love! So all in all a day packed full of activities. And questions.

The ebb and flow of emotion

To feel again in my heart actual desires for another person was amazing. It was as if I was being permitted to experience again the excitement of emotion. It had been so long that I initially felt that. But, like everything else in life it was a bittersweet moment. I remember now what it is to like someone and have it not be returned. And, even if my interest were recipricated for his interest to be complicated in the briars of life. I remember what it's like to love (even on a minor scale) and I remember what it's like to long.

Second chances are miracles in and of themselves

What an amazing experience! I got back from another long, arduous, wonderful audition. And, I think I did really well. There is only one girl part however and there were seven called back for it. I still think I'm a major contender. Even if I don't get in, Arsenic and Old Lace is going to be amazing and I know I did my best. :) For those hours that I was auditioning I got this wonderful confirmation that this is what I need to be doing. It's what I love. It's what I want to give to people. How many people get to know that at age twenty?

Sleepless infatuation on worry

Auditions. Good... actually great! And the bad. I don't understand how I can be so hot and cold. Why one moment I am so connected and the next I'm floundering. I have so much to improve upon. So I'm acting track. I don't do extended realism or historical pieces very well. To my frustration because that's what BYU prefers. I don't know when I'm going to work on it. I need to be dancing, acting, being in shows, working, singing, monologueing, auditioning, doing homework, and praying I don't drown. I need some direction. I need to be an insomniac. :)

It's funny because I love this. I love acting. I couldn't imagine anything else. But how am I going to get where I need to be? How am I going to flourish when I'm trying just to survive? I'm never ever going to date. When? Who would want this life? (Another actor who has a free idea of love. I mean free in the sense that we never see each other but we eventually come together at times to talk about nothing and everything until we have to leave again.) But I can't really see a love life for me anyway. It's not that big of a deal. So many sacrifice it.

But the sleep thing. I kind of need that. I want to sleep long enough to dream.

Sunlight. Singing. Sheep.

Nothing is weirder than listening to Ben Folds cover Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. That being said...

So I leave one home for another in, oh, less than three days. Suck. I don't know how to feel. I guess neither happy or sad. I'm so elated to finally be accepted into the acting major. I can't explain in words what that means to me. I can't wait to have classes with, well, :)

But I wish my family were much closer. And, I feel sick trying to figure out what to do with my summer. It's just nauseating. I don't know where my life is anymore. Wherever I am I don't want to leave. Everyone is getting older. There are people in my life who might not ever know me. The real me. Heck. Do I even know that person yet? A part of me wants to lie on the grass with a big cotton sheet underneath the summer stars somewhere near a lake. Wrapped up in gorgeous white linen. It all seems so simple, so idyllic. What is it we are striving for in life? Why do I dream about the things I do? Is love the driving force? Is greed? Or is greed just a dirtier version of self-love? ...which brings it back to love in the first place.

Shakespeare. Sondheim. Sundays. Nakedness. Loss. Growth. Sushi. Swimming. Silver dollars. Dancing. Crying. Cuddling. Severing. Slipping. Simple.

Am I words? Am I energy? Am I life? Am I... where?