Check Yes or No

If you're wondering what I'm thinking it's this... "I wonder what he's thinking." The ball is amazingly in your court. And I don't think you're weird or too young. And I don't want some sort of committed thing that both of us regret a month from being separated. I just want to get to know you. I just want us to be friends. Because for some reason you were thrown into my circle, and try as hard as I might I still find myself relating to you in ways I haven't with anybody else. I don't want to jeopardize that. But I don't want to be stuck in this limbo of never getting to know each other.



And if you happen to kiss me... I'll be no worse for the wear.

So whatever you want to happen let it happen.

Okay...

So maybe one of the ten is available. :)

Unbelievably Me Right Now

What's Your Love Story?

My Result: Love vs. Honor

Love vs. Honor is the most dramatic love story of all — defined by an innate tug of war between what you want to do and what you should do. There is something coming between you and love. Perhaps it's a religious conviction, a previous commitment, family, patriotic duty, or deep belief that good things only come at a terrible price.


If you're looking for examples you can start back with the Greek myths where heroes were often forced to give up love and the comforts of home for battles in far-off lands. In Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations," Estella chooses to obey her benefactress and break Pip's heart, even though she deeply regrets doing so. Political obligations and previous relationships tear Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman apart in the unforgettable film, "Casablanca."


In your love story, you find your soul mate, only to discover you can't be together unless you give up something precious, or jeopardize other relationships or ideals that are important to you. The decision itself is at the heart of your story. How do you choose? If this is your one chance at true love, can anything be worth giving it up? Can you enjoy love knowing you've betrayed something dear to you to achieve it? Or will the love be stronger for your sacrifice? This love story is about confronting your values and life choices. It's about reevaluating what's important to you and choosing to remain on the same path or move in a new direction.


If you've devoted yourself to long-term academic study or a consuming career that demands longevity in order to succeed — careers like medicine, law, business — you might feel you're letting yourself down if you throw yourself off-track with a relationship. Do you have a family member for whom choice of religion, career, or social position is a really big deal? Are you afraid to disappoint them if your partner doesn't match the mold?


In the movie, "The End of the Affair," Julianne Moore plays a woman who makes a pact with God to stop cheating on her husband if her lover survives a terrible injury. When he lives, she's forced to keep her promise, breaking both their hearts in the process. All relationships, at some point or another, require sacrifices. These painful decisions are familiar to everyone. No wonder it's so easy to relate to this story's historical, literary, and cinematic counterparts. You're living it!

Take this test >

UNAVAILABLE

1. On a mission.
2. Living in England.
3. 18... I know...
4. 18 and living in England... a bit worse
5. Doesn't like girls.
6. Doesn't like girls.
7. At grad school. Grad school is five states away.
8. Almost engaged.
9. Married. Oops.
10. Well if he's NOT a minor living (or serving) in another state who's gay and married or almost married then bring him on.

My parents can't say I'm not trying.

Life Enhanced

My ex is .... my friend. Finally. And the other most recent has always been
Maybe I should ... see if I can pull out a D in English
I love ... people that will commit to a whole day of snow-shoeing with me, and boys that date and love curvy girls
I don't understand ... a certain emotional, social, and genetic issue that keeps popping up in my life (and I must say I'm a bit exhausted from it)
I lost my ... pity party. I'm responsible for me and loving the empowerment it gives.
People would say that I'm ... a Sagittarius. :) Thanks Dave for pointing it out so often
Sex is ... something I have now (only slightly) begun to occasionally dream about
Love is ... listening to someone who needs you to and not judging them for a single word they say
Somewhere, someone is ... anxious to meet me
I will always ... need family and green outdoor life
Forever is ... a ways away
I think the current President is ... terrifying. Please let O8 be a good election year!
I woke up this morning ... at four and kept drifting in and out of sleep while reciting a monologue. I need a life.
Life is full of ... itchy surprises
My past ... feels like a translucent fabric being draped over me. Ever present and ever ready to remind me to deal with it
I get annoyed when ... I tire a lot faster than I used to
I wish ... I knew what to do about next semester
My dog ... at home in PA in a kennel lonely and anxious to chew up the stuffed monkey that lives on the side of my bed
Tomorrow I'm going to ... have a VERY full day. Hopefully see my parentals
I have no tolerance for people who ... leave you cheated (of many things)
If I had a million dollars I would ... build my dream cottage, escape life for a year bringing my friend with me who needs to do the same, travel to New Zealand, give someone some scholarship thingy and then invest the rest
Sometimes I want to ... sleep beside someone just to feel the pulse of another person
Home is ... Pennsylvania and floating the Susquehanna
We are ... needing human connection
This weekend ... will be show packed and family-centric
I understand ... that I need to pace myself. 21 is young... in spite of the wrinkles and single gray hair I've discovered. :)
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Happy First Day Back After Holidays and Feasting

My family is in town for the wonderful days of Thanks. We went skiing. I know... there wasn't really anything to ski on, but we did it anyway.

I miss Jimmy a lot. And a few other choice individuals during the holidays. The holidays are also a reminder of my singlehood. Not sure if I'm happy or unhappy about that. I missed my current best guy friend a lot. It was weird not to be attached at the hip. It was also annoyingly weird to see him look so damn attractive today. Seriously, could he have been a little kinder and shaved the beard or cut the hair so I wasn't so incredibly drawn to him? That would have been... courteous?

Anyway. I need to be trying to pass my classes. Or at least the one that is still an option to pass. Okay... I exaggerate only 2 of the 9 are out of range. And really only the one is an absolute bomb. Still, it's weird for the Type A me to be so not anywhere close to that.

Um... life is good though! Christmas and turning 22 are right around the corner. I'm going to try to go out somewhere fun for my birthday. Last year will be hard to top. Also, the puppy will soon be within my clutches. No longer will the parents hold a monopoly on my little wee.

So there's the update. Maybe I'll try to post a bit more frequently. Summer plans are starting to formulate but are still up in the air. We'll see what comes of that.

Emily isms

Emily is in love with:

Snowfalls
Sunsets
Baked things
Puppies
Misty tree smells
Boys with good cologne
Jeans that are a little bit loose
Hiking
Singing
Guitars (even just looking at them)
Nice people who don't try to be aloof or pretentious
Fun underwear

Emily is in loathe of:

Rotting food
Unfinished naps
Lost mail
Business hours
Q-tips... don't ask
People who try to put distance in your relationship because they are scared of intimacy but actually really love you
Victoria's Secret commercials
Roommates that are exceptionally flaky, impersonal, and disgusting

Emily is afraid of:

Ledges
Clowns
Dark sidewalks/alleys
Ticks
Death
Pike/Walleye

Chilling Times

I love you. I'll never be able to say it to you face to face. So electronically I send it to the world.

And even though I know love is a very big word, I mean it.

And I also know that you are distancing yourself and drawing yourself out.

I almost kissed you a second time. The indecision still burns on my lips.

Loss

...is inescapable. In the brief time we have here on this earth we rarely get to know people as deeply as we would like.

I wish I had a picture of us together. Why don't we at least have one picture?! I miss you. So much sometimes I can't concentrate on life things. I'm trying to hold it together but I just wish I could talk to you. I wish I could go on our weekly Sunday drives. I wish I could hug you. You always gave the best hugs.

I keep thinking I should be doing something amazing with my life. Something I haven't even begun to imagine yet. I feel stagnant and overwhelmed and void of passion all at the same time. I wish that there were some form of contact. I wish I didn't ache so badly for the veil to come crashing down and for you to be sitting right in the seat next to me as I'm typing these sad and frustrated words. I wish I didn't want so much, the things I cannot have. I'm so lost in knowing where I'm supposed to go.

I miss you Tim. You were one of my best friends. I miss your vocal inflection. The way you would compliment me in the library, even when I was just in sweatpants. The way we'd go out of our way to say hello and talk to one another. I know I might have been just like any other girl you knew. But a part of me knows that's not true. I'm sorry I was never mature enough to get my act together in time to really become as close to you as I wanted. I was terrified of so many things in my life moving forward. I was selfish and scared. I was tired. But that was then. I can't erase all of that. Just write it out there to a world (and a few people) who may or may not care that I loved you. And boy, did I.

It's funny. You never realise how deeply you care about someone until they've been removed and you keep discovering (sometimes with greater despair) how many areas of your life their physical existence had been woven into your overall essence. I want to carry you forward, Tim. I want to be to others the kind of person you were for me. I want to love someone, some young man, the way we promised each other it should be.

I love you. I'll go on loving you.

"Me in the rain or the wind
Or the moon up in the sky
The spin of the earth or the change of the tide
I don't know what brought us together
What strange forces of nature
Conspire to construct the present
From the past

Then I'll go on loving you
I'll go on loving you
I'll go on loving you"

-Alan Jackson

Upside down

After much talk about the inherent blueness of my personality... I took the test and I'm actually a yellow. (Most likely with a strong blue background.) This explains so much...

Both sides of the fence

A text I sent my father:

It's so easy to tell when people are making wrong choices. I wish it were as easy to detect in myself andor that I wouldn't sometimes savour making the wrong choice.

The text he sent back:

It's frustrating being a human sometimes miss u hope u r doing well When can u fly home Miss u Mega Sat love u


Funny that I got this text at the same time I was making a stupid choice.

I know I've quoted this song once befor in my blog but here it goes again

Garth Brooks - She's Every Woman

She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice
A little crazy but it's nice
And when she gets mad,
you best leave her alone
'Cause she'll rage just like a river
Then she'll beg you to forgive her
She's every woman that I've ever known.

She's so New York and then L.A.
And every town along the way
She's every place that I've never been
She's makin love on rainy nights
She's a stroll through Christmas lights
And she's everything I want to do again.

It needs no explanation
'Cause it all makes perfect sense
For when it comes down to temptation
She's on both sides of the fence.

No it needs no explanation
'Cause it all makes perfect sense
When it comes down to temptation
She's on both sides of the fence.

She's anything but typical
She's so unpredictable
Oh but even at her worst she ain't that bad
She's as real as real can be
And she's every fantasy
Lord she's every lover that I've ever had

And she's every lover that I've never had

New Year's Resolution

In honour of the upcoming Indian New Year namely, Diwali, I have begun to compose my New Year's Resolutions. The first is to...

Be Gentler.

It has come to my attention that I am a zingy passionate person. I'm okay with this analysis. However, it has also come to my attention that sometimes the zings are from arrows and the passion from unsubdued anger. So, I want to forgive myself more and to give people opportunities in my life. I don't want to become a push over. That is not what I think it means to be gentler. Gentle people know who they are and know what they want and deserve. They just don't order their surrounding life into one denotative form. They give people positive flex room.

Eskimo Friend

This is the morning and I should be getting ready for my day. Instead I'm lying in bed trying to relieve my back of all of its tension. Which is a lot of tension. I'm not wanting to get up, but I've got to go print off a bunch of papers for combat. And get ready for my day. And memorise some lines that I couldn't seem to memorise last night.

But what I did do last night was this... and he was amazing.

Some thoughts

I find that no one can compare to you.

And I don't want to waste my time trying to make up for the fact that we can't be together. Yet... or ever.

How I'm Saying Goodbye This Time Around

I know you think you're helping me
but I had a different idea of how tonight would go

I miss you and you're lying right beside me.
But you sleep so there's no one you're obligated to know.

Poem I've never posted... probably for good reason :)

My autumn sensibilities

I have summered with you my love my own
For a brief season we have each other known
But all the tepid (torrid) sighs and groans
Caught light on wind and since have flown

I have tried to negotiate my mind with you
I search the forest of my autumn thoughts
And once a former memory has caught
But now floats past and all is lost

In all its cracks and blackened hours
The place I leave is all but mine
The leaves and waters have since soured/ The melting sunrises and snow dripped flowers
Without you what’s left to find?

Inadequate expression

Getting Around You / Getting Around Me

I sit at this train station
Quietly feeling my imagination
Whisking you into the outline
Of a man fronting the ticket line

I watch the ember of a cigarette end
Scatter ashes along the floor’s tilin’
Too much weight sitting on my brow
I sure could use a light right now

Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again

I thought you could rescue me
From all of my insensitivity
It seems since you’ve left this place
I do everything I can to get away

I know I’m livin a mended lie
Used you as another alibi
Not wanting to really invest
Another emotion I can’t resist

Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again

Hard not to feel like this has become
The habit I used to get over the other ones

Tryin not to feel like
I’m failin’
But here I am
Addicted to runnin’
And just when I’m
Fit to be settlin
My life picks itself
Up again

Democratic Mormon... No Apology or Sympathy Needed

I am so tired of people trying to fit Democratic Mormons into the Church. It's as if we are outcasts or something. As if we all think somewhat contrary to the doctrine of the Church. But because we exist and confidently so we must be explained by scripture or by long thought out study.

I'm tired of people thinking I'm being dissentious or trying to understand how if all of God's children are to be of "one heart and one mind" I can exist. I am not inhuman. Being democratic is not some desire to be a "counter" voice. I don't think that the Church is Republican. Not one bit. Nor do I think that my political alliance makes a more drastic statement on my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

It's absurd to think that the Church must squeeze itself into a two-party system. It has also been too long that Church members in the United States trump their "this is the chosen land and therefore the majority of things about it are chosen" card. Having spent a good deal of time in other places with members of the church that don't give a hoot about the political nature of the American Mormons it seems ridiculous that people get hung up on this issue.

So... individuals trying to figure Harry Reid out, me out, or any other happy to be an American, Mormon, democrat I say give it a rest. Or at least stop patronising the political association of your "mysterious brothers and sisters." If you have anything to ask, ask about the issues. I think you'll find that Democrats feel just as much disturbance and party confusion at their supposed more "conservative brothers and sisters."

An excellent video on this subject and a more articulate description of my feelings on it is found on Barack Obama's website.

The movie clip is called Speech: Religion and Polics

Waxing and Waning

Tonight the moon is so full and bright. My father wanted to see if it was in fact eclipsing. Of course those eclipse things never happen at normal working man hours, so naturally after a brief conversation with me he retreated back into the house. I remained outside, alone with my thoughts as I so frequently find myself as of late. I kept looking at the stars in the sky giving way to milky brilliance. I couldn't help but be caught up in the witching shadows of the forest I used to clamour about in and the expanse of land shared communally between all of our neighbours. Perhaps, I'm starting to sense that I have few opportunities to drink this all in. I know everytime I come home it becomes harder for me to release my grip on my hometown and all of the simplistic beauty that makes up its constitution. I find that I'm becoming more sentimental and more melancholy with each passing season and year.

I couldn't stay outside for very long. With every minute that passed I felt even deeper twinges of sadness. I think the burgeoning sorrow comes from irresolution over the path of my life. A part of me wants to believe that if there was an opportunity for me to live in my home I think I would take it. But it's not as if that isn't possible. I could have gone to school in my hometown. I could have chosen a different major. I could have... been a different person. And yet, would that person have appreciated all that she would inherit if she stood looking up in the moon-soaked night? I don't know that she would. And yet, how can an acting major with aspirations to travel and see and support herself create an existence in a small, anonymous farming town? That certainly cannot be possible. I think I'm just winding needlessly between choices I have already made and options that were never possible for myself. Still, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss and a falling away of innocence as I held my gaze across our family's property.

My romantic sentiments get the best of me no matter where I am. I'm wondering with my transitive nature, what elements of my life will remain foundational. What will I be willing to compromise for a bit of natural bliss?

The next time you're sick...

It's going to be all about you.

My wisdom teeth are out and I'm bored but too immobile to read or concentrate on anything for terribly long. I had a list of movies I wanted to watch and my mum sent my sister out with money to rent them from our local library. She rented seven movies. Only 1 is one that I requested or would even enjoy. Even then, it's the one that she wanted to watch.

Weird situation. I hope I never manage that. She wanted me to be excited that six of the films were ones she'd always wanted to watch. I guess it just proves true that better than giving someone a gift that you'd like, get them a gift they'd like.

*A big shout out to some random girl named Sarah for showing the world was wisdom teeth extraction is all about. This is really how different I look and feel.

I love lists

The time for denial is over. I love lists. I love writing them on my blog. I love reading them in magazines. I love including them emphatically in my speech. I love lists.

And since I love them so much I thought I'd compile one more for the plethora of people who read this. (I could probably list you all... but I'll save myself the embarrassment of acknoweledging just how few people read this.)

Randoms of my mind/emotions/state of being

1. There are 4 holes in my mouth.
2. I don't want to return to my text messaging addiction phase. So tomomrrow I will seriously consider having them blocked.
3. Why won't Rob call me?!
4. I miss the perfume/cologne of the UK.
5. I think my sister's new haircut is stunning. It makes me want to do the extreme. Though I love my new bangs and choppy do.
6. I love my cousins.
7. I enjoy colouring books a lot.
8. Can't wait to send Glasgow letter #2.
9. Just realised yesterday that yesterday was when he must have received my first letter. Since he just left the MTC and I sent it to the mission home.
10. My brother is a lucky SOB. :)
11. America's Next Top Model is on all the time.
12. Why don't I get to keep my wisdom teeth? If I pay for the surgery and I go through the pain, why don't I get the damn things?
13. I love my new puppy!
14. I want to road trip to Maine next summer.
15. I need a job.
16. When will I find out about TAing? Ack. Actors. We really do cut everything down to the wire.
17. Why does Dean never return emails? Especially really important ones.
18. I love Stephanie F-B. She's the best.
19. Why does everyone expect me to like kiwis?
20. I'm not allowed to brush, rinse, or do anything to my mouth in a cleansing manner in the next 48 hours. Ha ha. No random hookups for me. Gosh... I couldn't even imagine. That would be the grossest and most painful experience right now.
21. I miss Mr. Marine. Wherever you are near Maidstone (about 2 miles northwest if I remember)... you were really cool. Thanks for helping me finish up my UK time with a bang. And I regret that I only just met you to say goodbye, you were equally fit and nice.
22. I'm sorry *a**. I don't understand what the "No Friends" policy is about. I don't want to have your children. I don't want to be #477 on your list. I just want to have fun with you while I share our time at school together. I thought you might want the same.
23. I still wonder if I hurt a lot of people's feelings this past year at school. It was never my intent. I've loved and cared about so many people. And maybe that's the issue. They never asked me to.
24. I still dream about "you" on a regular basis. That is another something I will never understand. But wherever "you" are know that I still wish there was a way for us to be friends. And though you probably don't need the luck or want the prayers... I still send them your way.
25. Boxers are wonderful pijama bottoms.
26. I want Vicodin right now! I wish my mum wouldn't use me as her nursing guinea pig. "What's your pain threshold Emily?"
27. The blanket I'm wrapped in is the softest ever.
28. I know where I'll take you when we switch homelands Birmingham. So you need to come. And marry my sister. Or best friend. Or me if I'm not attached. :p Just kidding. Sorta. :)
29. Central Pennsylvania is just one untapped secret.
30. I miss being a hick and all that comes with it.

Birmingham Blues

So I've been sitting in front of my computer for awhile now. Killing time. I have a three o'clock train to catch that'll take me to London. I'm at this weird hostel in the dumpy side of Birmingam sucking up their free (albeit slow) internet. I've been thinking about a lot of things. I'm wanting to be home right now. I've been trying to figure out why. I haven't been homesick for one moment during my entire time abroad. So I think this is my body's attempt to prepare myself for separation with the UK. It's saying, "hey, you miss your family and friends. It's really good to be going home." This is so that I don't bite, claw, and scratch anyone on my forced way out of the country.

I don't know if I'm really happy about going back to Utah. I think I'm actually kind of depressed about it. A part of me really is anti-school right now. I still have to finish a project that I've been working on here. Reading a novel a day has certainly lost it's novelty. (I'm still trying to figure out that word structure similarity.) I wish I could have infinite funds (if just for the year) and go to all of the places I want to go with the people I love. Unfortunately the people I love (and like) are off doing their own things... ala missions, studying (blah), acting, and being responsible. And they also don't have infinite funds.

This trip has done a lot for me. I think it's definitely loosened me up. My word I haven't been this relaxed, well, ever I think. And it's taught me that UK boys are some of the nicest in the world. At least the ones that I've been spending time with.

Yesterday, I randomly met up with this guy I met once in Glasgow. I was introduced to him as a friend to the boy I'm writing on his mission (we'll call the boy I'm writing Glasgow). I sent him an email this past week letting him know that I was passing through England and going to stop in Birmingham if he was interested in meeting up with me. And he was! And he took the train in. And he walked me around the university so that I could get a feel for it. And we walked all around Birmingham. And then after we got dinner he insisted on paying for it. And he was concerned about me walking back to the hostel and me not getting lost. I couldn't understand why he was being so nice to me. I mean, he's a pretty faithful Mormon boy. It's not like he's trying to bed me. Although if he was, that would have been a pretty successful tactic. We got on well. I mean really well. I obviously still care much more for Glasgow. But this guy that I hung out with last night and I had a great time. If I were actually living in Birmingham I think we would become fast friends.

After all of this I discovered that he barely even knew Glasgow, that I probably knew him better than Glasgow. So I'm going to bed last night wondering why on earth this guy was so nice. I mean honestly. I'm a cool person, I think. But "I'm no Gwyneth Paltrow or anything."

I've been thinking a lot about what this trip has done for me. I think I'm a lot more confident. Sure I still have moments where I'm discouraged with certain issues of my past. But, overall I feel a lot stronger as a person. More committed to things I want. Generally, I think I have a better focus for my life. There are some things I don't understand. Why all of the guys I'm interested in (for more than 10 seconds... because I'm interested in loads of guys for 10 seconds) located in the UK?

What is my future going to be like? This is what I see right now.

I go to school this year:
Acting
Singing
Directing
WORKING tons
Writing the missionaries (my brother and Glasgow)

I go home next April:
WORKING tons
Spending time with my friends
Spending time with my family
Traveling to Maine?
Writing the missionaries (At least my brother and if Glasgow still writes me... then him too)

That time I met you

"Well he's real.

That's all I can think to utter initially. I've met someone that I am completely blown away by and really the only thing I can do is thank someone that he exists.

It's always interesting when you've fallen for someone. Because I think it's safe to say I've met some great guys. I've had the opportunity to play a small part in their lives. I'm not always proud of my role or anything. I'm not claiming to be a Isabella or a Juliet. I've more than likely been a Beatrice. And you know, that's that. I don't lament where I am today. Just that that is that. Really what all of this heartache comes down to is timing.

I'm trying to decide whether or not I believe that any man and woman can make it work. I don't think I do believe that. I mean I know that it is essentially true. Probably. But I don't like to believe that. And I don't have to make it work with any guy I meet. (Thank heavens.) Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think I could probably make it work with more guys than I think I could. But really it's this whole timing thing.

Timing changes what we like. What we think we need. Timing is what introduces us to certain people and blocks us from others. Sure there is choice in timing. We choose which store to shop in. Which seat to sit in on the underground. We choose whether to talk or remain silent. We decide whether or not to kiss the guy/girl back at the techno club. There is an element of choice in timing. But what makes timing stand alone is the fact that frequently we don't know what we're giving up when we influence timing with choice. I'm getting outside of my point. (Either that or totally twisted within it.) Back to where this leads me.

I don't think we can completely fathom timing. I got this feeling to come to Scotland. Everyone told me England and I just thought... no it's gotta be Scotland. And I had no idea why. But everything started working its way out in that direction. I got here. I started my life here. I was expecting something to happen because of how strongly I felt about coming here. I did not expect him.

I think there are plenty of reasons for why I'm in Scotland. I have this incredible new found confidence. It's so light and breezy. Like a silken nightshirt that I always have on. I feel so free of all of the trivial things that have bothered me. I also have discovered a people I love and that I understand. Oh my word, the people I've met! And the love I have for them. They have accepted me quickly, made me a part of their home. Healed me. Really truly. I have never felt so loved. And grad school. I mean, I wasn't even thinking about it and now... now I'm so excited. Really excited. And in the UK? Of course. It just all sort of fits and with my ORCA and with all of my desires and ideas about where I want my life to be. And Scotland gave me this desire to actually be married and have a family. I mean, it was working through me already but now. Now it's tangible. I don't feel rushed or anything. I just know that I actually want that. :)

So is that all I was supposed to learn. Yes. Sure. If that's all I would have gotten out of this trip I would take it gladly. It's so much. I'm tremendously grateful for all of those things. I think it might have been overgenerous to have the next part. It wouldn't have been essential. I didn't need to meet this person. But I did and it's definitely changed something in me.

Yes. He's 19. Yes. He's in the MTC. Yes. I only had a day over a month with him. Yes. I've never had the kind of respect for someone like I've had the respect for him. Yes. I realise the absurdity. But yet...

I'm undeterred. I'm not set on anything coming out of this. I just know that there is at least one person in the world that makes complete and utter sense. And it's not that the people I've known or dated in the past have not. The timing was right with this one. It was the right time for me to meet someone like him. I was ready and wasn't expecting it or thinking that I needed it. I just met someone that I know will change my life.

So maybe this two years thing will work and then again maybe it won't. In some ways I think the two years thing might be even better timewise. Because I only had a short time here. And if he were a returned missionary well then where would we be? An ocean and two years away. But my undergrad will finish up right when his mission does... so? I know. Crazy, right? I realise just how crazy that sounds. I do. But every time I think about it... pray about it even... there's peace. Just peace. Whatever is on the horizon (inclusive of him or no) I know he's playing a positive role. Could just be a cameo. Could be more. Could be that he's taming a shrew. :) Could be that he's just meant to show me how many leading men the world is filled with. I don't know. I'm not worried. I'm just not worried about it. And if that's all I'm supposed to learn. To not worry. Well, that in and of itself is one of the greatest gifts I've ever received."

So thanks. Unfortunately you can't read this. But if you could, well, thanks. I'll be writing. :)

Happenstance

So quickly that I wonder
if I missed my step in time
when you were more than longing

"I think it's time..."

"...we give it up."

I'm ready. Please God give me the strength.

New Poem in Progress

Sometimes a shadow catches
on the corners of my sleep
and snagging on the slumber
into my dreams it creeps

At first a whispery wraith
it slips and sneaks and sighs
until at last a poltergeist
it awakes me with its cries

So sudden does it translate
that I can scarely blink
Draping its robes of mystery
into its thoughts I sink

I find in all the shroudeness
a face I know too well
Surprised that misty memory
brings back a former swell

On this midsummer night...

Reason ruins and romance winds
a bit of tragedy into my mind
And I, for love, have since betrayed
emotions that soon would be stayed

You

If I could have kissed you does that mean
I should have?
I don't know that I'm ready
to be responsible
for feeling wanted and wanting more.
Being in the quandary of your indecision
just urges me
to make my way out.

So if we...
if we...
would I feel better or lousy
about myself?

I'm not sure that I expected
not to be paid my dues.
Prejudging our situation
and craving your touch.
Is it fair that you've made
me your friend?
When we're both needing something
more?

You care too much
to use my lips
and I care too much
to let you
You see too little
in me to find
the start of a
relationship

A Song About Myself

I think if I were a song...

I would be a power ballad.

New Poems

A part of me feels tied to soil and sky
A spirit whose roots curl into the deep earth
Reaching branches out in an attempt to fly
Feeling beyond limitations of mortal birth

So silent in my *beleaguered sighs
I’ve only waged a private war.
A mutiny of my body and mind
A treaty of peaceful scorns.

Helping myself to seconds of grace and green
I attempt to straighten my gnarly trunk
The brooding crux of mortality offers the secure lean
For grace requires belief in more than luck.

I don’t know that I feel more than life
I don’t like people telling me that’s not enough
My earthliness reverberates a place inside
That’s eternal in spite of its carnal self.

Besides what do I need with more than roots?
What do I need with more than sky?
What do I need if I am the so called truth?
A body that understands the edges of day and night.


Lyrics to something maybe when I finally learn to play the guitar

I dreamt about you tonight
A dream I didn’t know I had the guts for
A selfish feeling I’ve buried away before
That finally got a breath of life

I cried because I wanted you
And I’m not allowed to make the request
And even though you want me too
She’s reason enough for you to protest

I’m sorry I linger in my dream
It was bitter and sweet the way romance should be
But burns into me a painful false memory
Recreated in this sentimental scene

I cried because I wanted you
And I’m not allowed to have a say
And even though you want me too
She’s reason enough for you to stay

I’ve immortalized this feeling
I’ve written it out and played some chords
And I know I can’t hope for anything more
And still you see me asking

To hold you in a timeless place that’s
Intimate and unrefined
I can’t resist the lust of revealing ourselves
One motion at a time

I cried because I wanted you
And I believed in it more than ever before
And even though you want me too
If she’s your reason well, then… (sure)

To the best... No inferences necessary. Really.

Actual poetry work in progress...

Sign posts don't let you know
how much you've let yourself go
Swinging into a new lusty deep
emerging from a cocoon of sleep.

Dreams are meant to be the thing
that keeps you glued in focused reality
But they only make me itchy for
glass baubles held beyond my reach

I'm sorry I didn't make things clear
It's a weakness I don't like to admit


A Work in Progress

I let myself slide into an unfamiliar need.
A poor reconstruction of the former less broken me.
Verbal warnings were impossible to speak
of damaged emotions so out of my reach

I'm sorry I didn't make things clear
It's a weakness I don't like to admit
I didn't even understand the fear
That made me crawl into this.

Soft attention was a gentle silencing word
against the background of pain I'd heard
I don't resent the gift you'd offered
But I don't know how I should have responded

It's from that I keep pulling and pulling
becoming so much more of what I used to be
Unrecognizable to the version you know
headed down a road I've taken before

I'm sorry I didn't know myself
and all of the things I'd eventually need/want
It's just that I couldn't even tell
who I was and how I'd be/?

Sign posts never let me know
How far I'd have to let myself go
Swinging into a new lusty deep
emerging from a cocoon of sleep

I'm sorry I didn't make things clear
It's a weakness I don't like to admit
I've left this behind while moving near
A future absent of painful relationships

A New Song I'm Crazy About

Tonight by Kate Walsh

You don't know about me
And you don't care what affair still haunts me
And you don't know what it is about me
And I don't care, I don't care if you love me

Tonight we'll be whoever we like
Tonight we'll leave our troubles behind
Tonight in each other we'll hide
Tonight will be alright...

And I don't know about you
And I don't care about the girl behind you
And I don't know what it is about you
It makes me want to run and jump inside you

Tonight in each other we'll hide
Tonight we'll leave our troubles behind
Tonight we'll be whoever we like
Tonight, tonight will be alright...

You don't understand why my heart feels bad
From the love you hold out in your hand
And you offer it without command
I just don't know why I can't get you inside,
Why I need you tonight...

Cause you don't know about me,
And you don't care how this affair will break me.
And why should I care about you, when you don't care,
You don't care that i love you?

Wanting...

To be free. Of many many things.

Life Plan*

* Can change in a day or even a half hour... as was witnessed by the rash and wonderful decision to go home for the spring.

Finish up Spring Semester at home earning as much money as I can
Summer in Scotland!
Compile presentation on dialects
Fall semester perform in Little Women and A Tale of Two Cities
Fall semester present dialects and Scotland forum
Winter semester, hopefully perform in Cake or Berlin
Spring/Summer 08 hopefully perform in Tuacahn Thoroughly Modern Millie and Les Miserables
Fall semester senior project
Winter semester show
New York Showcase results determine summer 09 work
Work Summer and Fall 09
Move to Burbank January 2010

I am AMAZING!

I finished my grades!!!!!

After 12+ hours packing to go home, so many more getting my life together before leaving to come home, 38 hours on the road, and 11 hours of grading (8 of which were done today), I can finally do whatever the hellaballue I want. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

And that will probably be nursing my knotted up back, fingers, wrists, and legs.

Things I've Accomplished

*Managed to adjust to the fact that my roommates are getting married in August
*Accepted that marriage is an okay thing (at least for them ;) )
*Got cast as a lead in a BYU musical during a Fall/Winter semester
*Obtained my ORCA check
*Spent $788 on a roundtrip flight to London
*Completely changed my life plans for the spring in a 30 minute discussion with my brother over lunch
*Packed for a straight 12 hours
*Managed to sell my spring/summer contract (that has been taking me over two months to sell) in four days when I started going at it fiercely
*Kept a secret about myself from my parents -which is nearly impossible-
*Full on suprised my family by randomly coming home with my brother instead of staying in Utah Spring Term
*Made my mum jump up and down like a little kid
*Became better friends with my brother after spending 38 straight hours with him
*Convinced someone I was having an affair (even though that was not really my intent when my brother and I checked into our hotel... creepy)
*Listened to almost every song in my IPod at least once during the 38 straight hours
*Discovered that Nebraska gas stations' bathrooms are probably the cleanest in the nation
*Realized I like lists -thanks to the person who inspired it-
*Got a 72% on Guitar Hero playing it on the hard level solo style
*Understand that I have been going full force at school for way too long. That I need to lighten up a bit.
*Talked to my cousin for three hours about the pros and pitfalls of relationships. Well, she mainly talked and I listened. I missed her sooo much.
*Began to realize how much my family loves and misses me when I'm gone
*Remembered how much I like pickled eggs
*Helped my papa pick out the perfect suit, white shirt, and tie (Pinstripe black suit and a red metallic-like power tie)
*Spent a half an hour trying male scents until I finally found one that I think matched my father's personality and was pleasant to my mum
*Realized that I would be good in sales
*Realized that maybe I should get on that
*Developed confidence that I am going to succeed
*Have discovered I'm at peace with where I am in my life
*Played with my dog. She's a Boston Terrier and will be celebrating her 17th birthday this year.
*Decided I want a puppy for my dog to play with.
*Came up with an awesome movie idea with my brother for a new Owen Wilson / Ben Stiller combo
*Realized I have been away from home long enough for the geographiic and environmental surroundings to seem weird
*Also realized I will get spring twice this year. :)

To My Unwanted Enemy...

Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming. And in my dream's dream I met you and not on angry terms. We both apologized and reconciled so many differences we've allowed to creep in. And smiled. I hadn't seen you smile, I mean really smile, in such a long time. We may have even hugged. I woke up from my dream's dream and felt such sorrow as I continued to exist in my subconscious. Because we had not made up. We were not friends. We weren't even people who could see each other without feeling bitterness. And then you walked past me. And somehow I had the courage to say, "I dreamt about you last night." And you didn't keep on walking. You stopped and simply said with a slight smile, "Oh?" And I told you about how what we talked about, how we had both apologized, and realized how much time we wasted violently pushing and pulling the other down and away. After I explained my dream you didn't walk away and I asked, "Do you think that could happen for real?" And you said, "Yeah." And that was it. Everything was repaired. You didn't fall in love with me. I didn't need you to. But a silence could finally descend. And you could go without leaving me damaged.

And then I woke up. From my dream. And I realized that nothing had changed. You still hate me. But somehow a part of me has let that go. Somewhere a dream's dream's and a dream's version of you and I can breathe the same air and smile at each other. And that is enough for now and possibly forever.

When you will you will

Abercrombie Fierce

You shun me from your screwed up life.
I don't even get the choice
to ignore you. You've already
taken that from me.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

If I erase your memories I'm left
with black holes of sorrow. But this
longing for reconciliation
has left the same emptiness.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

Am I looking for an emotional high?
Do I shoot you into me
and linger in the recreation
of our lives?

I can't think of you
without getting emotional.
What kind of control
is that?

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

So many things to remember
about the way you held me up
softness that burns in the
hatred used to keep me down.

You keep poisoning me.
I want you gone
but I don't know how
you will ever leave.

Waiting

For now I am content sitting
waiting for the mystery's revelation
watching the wind sweep up the leaves
and blow them into my arms

I should've thought about you
before you left without sensation
saying goodbye through state lines
crossing paths while passing cars

Confi-dents

I am learning patience.

No matter how many times I am hurt by people... I cannot let it change my positivity.

But I cannot let my unwillingness to be pulled down by pessimism be a source of unrighteous pride. I cannot let the pride or judgment of others lead me to feel justified in myself and my own life standing to where I feel better than others.

I can only be satisfied and happy with myself on my own terms and my own concept of God.

Care package asap...

My brother just got called to serve in the California Riverside mission!!!!

He leaves June 13th. :/ :)

At Least I Know It

Today I received the following phrase over three times from multiple roommates. I think there is a lesson to be learned in...

"At least you know it."

The first time this was said today

Me: "So many of my friends are getting married. It's really weird."
Alli: "Emily, stop saying that's weird or it will scare you to death if you ever get there."
Me: "Alli, I think I'm just realizing that I'm kind of afraid of marriage."
Alli" "Well, At least you know it."

The second instance

Me: "I'm just really not looking forward to this date tonight. I just don't think our personalities click or compliment. I feel bad for feeling this way and don't want to express it on the date or lie either."
Alli: "At least you know it."

And the third

Me: "Man, I fall in like with boys really quickly."
Hillary: "Well, at least you know it."


Why do I always "know it" and don't when it comes to relationships?

Little Women

Jo... here I come!

My ex is .... like the variable. Who wants to be the new solution to my algebraic wonders of love? (Cheesy, but it's late.)
Maybe I should ... put money toward owning a house that I can build huge walls around my pool so I can skinny dip every day.
I love ... owls and things that are the colour green.
I don't understand ... why I haven't gone to bed yet.
I lost my ... patience for a certain show I'm "in" or a slave to.
People would say that I'm ... perhaps not as nice as I was before. But then people would also say that I've come into my own a bit more too.
Sex is ... like one of my favourite poems "To His Coy Mistress"
Love is ... caring enough about a person you don't make them sleep in another bed when they're sick.
Somewhere, someone is ... praying for help
I will always ... love musky, dewy woodsy smells.
Forever is ... something that I used to be and sometimes still am terrified of
I think the current President is ... reaffirming antidisestablishmentarianism. And, like me, doesn't know how to spell it
I woke up this morning ... and went back to bed two hours later before really getting up for the day
Life is full of ... pillowcases
My past ... is now another land
I get annoyed when ... I can't sing properly
I wish ... I had a better audition prepared
My dog ... at home... :(
Tomorrow I'm going to ... be busy ALL day
I have no tolerance for people who ... are labeled and accepted as a prick by everybody and so they can get away with dehumanizing people without anyone objecting
If I had a million dollars I would ... go buy a house and put that wall up
Sometimes I want to ... sleep under the stars
Home is ... in Scotland
We are ... just people who need each other
This weekend ... will be EASTER with my siblings
I understand ... that I'm smarter than I thought
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Poetic License

Sometimes I wonder if I'm trivializing myself by writing out my feelings "poetically."

And sometimes I wonder how many individuals I've trivialized as the subjects of my feelings and thoughts.

There is some poetic nerve it within me right now. That is forever critical, even of itself.

Unfeeling Freedom

If I make it this far
without needing your help
am I standing alone
or am I selfish as hell?

If you want me to stay
and I feel its unjust
am I breaking a heart
that just need to be touched?

And if I do the things that I do
Out of the mere protection of you
will you be able to see through
it all.

If I stumble and wake
and my vision's unclear
I can stand on my own
without someone there.

And if I do the things that I do
Out of the mere protection of you
will you be able to see through
it all.

Just some lines

The Alienation of Myself

Today I walked away from myself
wanting to feel lost
in a way that was sensational
rather than a numbing actuality

So at peace in my complacency
it silently frightens
and feeds my need to leave
a home I've never felt was mine.

I wonder if I've begun to unearth
a past written only
in the corners of a memory told
by family come and gone.

Filling up an artificial longing
created by circumstance
and the lack of regret, I will
discover I knew more than I feel.




Lyrics

David Hopkins- Amazing song he sang on Friday night. It reminds me of my grandparents. And in fact I think about you Nana and Pop Pop.

"Today I woke to a silence. It hit me like a rock. I've letters and books that you've left. I don't read things anymore."

"I once was someone's something. And still I would complain. Now I am no one's anything. I live by swallowing my pain. You know I live by swallowing my pain."

"I sing to remember. And I drink to forget. People's words don't mean anything. Your words will never leave my head. You know your words, they'll never leave my head."

"All that I have done. All that I have said. I wanna take it all back. Tell you that you're beautiful instead."

"I get visions of you. Impossible to shape. And I hope when I die it's you that I see when I wake. I hope it's you. I hope it's you. I hope it's you that I see when I wake."

David Hopkins again- Reminds me of a lot of things. I love you, Rob. I'm glad we're talking. This is for you. For getting over the hard parts. And a bit for me.

"One of these days when you're going through a phase while skies are stalking you. Love is not a honeymoon. But nothing I can say will change your mind. One of these days when I've fallen out of place to someone else with bigger hands taking calls and making plans. I've seen in written in a stone. Did I lie? Did I say everybody's gonna win today? Don't be so nice you pay the price. Tell me something you don't believe. I can see that you've been sold with a ribbon wrapped around you. I can read you like a poem. I know what you know but I don't wanna know."

"One of these days when you're running out of ways of saying poor old lonely you. Maybe I'll be lonely too. I'll walk you all the long way home. Did I lie? Did I say everybody's gonna win today? Don't be so nice you pay the price. Tell me something you don't believe. I can see that you've been sold with a ribbon wrapped around you. I can read you like a poem. And I know what you know, but I don't wanna know."

"You have your reasons. I have mine. You have your reasons. I'm on my side. Yeah, I'm on my side. I'm on my side."



You'll get through this, my love. We've gotten through so much together. I'm on your side.

Batting Average

How many strikes and you're out?

Dean

Dean Duncan liked my voice over work!

Pride in ?

Being in a field that only accepts 6-8 people a year has had several effects on me.

1. It has made me work desperately to prove that I am worthy of being in the major.
2. It has given me a certain amount of confidence in my ability to pursue this career.
3. It has provided me with opportunities to grow and work with some amazing professors who have not only developed my acting skills but have aided me in overcoming a lot of inner struggles.
4. It has -by nature of a non-open major- made me look at myself in comparison to others. This I don't like because I've noticed elements of pridefulness.

I'm growing and stretching. And more importantly at least I'm noticing. Life is so fascinating. I only have so much time and its interesting to see how I'm spending it and what I'm thinking about.

Yep that's me.

I'm such an emotional creature.

Blessings

I just started crying because I witnessed one of the most beautiful things I think I will ever witness in my life. I am watching Hamlet during its final dress and someone got injured. And suddenly all of the men in the cast circled around and offered a blessing of healing. And I thought, that's what the Gospel is for. And, if we could only have that spirit all the time reminding us of family and that life continues beyond this one, how different life would be. How much kinder, connected, and patient we would be.

I love the Gospel. I really do. What comfort it gives me, what knowledge and hope for my own life. What love it gives me for others.

Today's Emily

With every great thing comes a ton of little mini-crisis (and a few large ones thrown in the mix too).

With every confidence gained comes a ton of little nagging insecurities.

With every new level of inner-strength I have the more I like the person I'm becoming.

The Most Wonderful Thing About Sharing

Maybe I've been running from the things that would make me the most happy. Sharing the Gospel, even if it's just coming to a mutual understanding of the variances in beliefs, can only rechallenge and resolidify my understanding of the world. I thought that this week was meant to help someone else. As it turns out it stands to help me as well.

Wrapped

It's four in the morning. I'm finally done with the film shoot. The rest of the crew is still on set. A part of me misses the drama of it all.

Lame Excuse?

I'm sitting in my apartment, locked in. And had every intention of going to my 8:00 class today. I feel ridiculous.

Bushed

Fours hours of skiing has wiped me out.

The sunburn probably doesn't help either.

Clarifications

To the following blog...

I'm not saying that sex is the only reason why people get married sooner in Utah. Or at least I don't view it as negative sex. People know that they're supposed to be together and want to be intimate on all levels.

I also think the school schedule factors into things.

Just don't take that argument and run with it. That's not the main point in my blog.

Realizations come in heart pains

Lately, I've been reminded of choices I've made in personal life. Some of those have been appropriate and important, others have been rash and selfish. Overall, I feel that I've made the decisions that I was supposed to make. It amazes me how difficult it can be to do the right thing for yourself. For instance, it took me a long time to get out of a destructive relationship. And when I finally cut all ties I felt immediate relief. But loneliness is always a sneaky thing that brings back old vices. I haven't acted on them, or at least a significant amount of time has gone by since I last have. But, they still cause pain from time to time. It's frustrating.

The recent experiences haven't made me want to take back the decisions that I've made they have only called attention to the present state I live in. And, I'm sure if it were supposed to be different it would be, and I would work harder to change it. I should know that spring always makes me feel this way. People are getting engaged or in relationships right and left. I know that I'm not headed down that path right now. I don't feel like I should be. Sometimes, though, I wonder how much of that is my trepidation or strong feelings from another source. I know that there have been specific times that I knew I wasn't supposed to pursue things. And, I've stepped back or have pulled myself out of the muck.

I'm twenty-one. There isn't any hurry. It's weird coming from the East coast where plenty of people date for significant periods of time without any real talk of marriage. I don't think that's the best option, but I don't really believe in the four month courtship practice so common here. It's a bit hard coming from one culture where people will date for five years and another where people will be married in five months. I don't think I've figured out how I fit in all of that. There is a very obvious reason why people prolong marriage or hurry it up. And that answer is sex. I don't want marriage to be all about that, or because it is a commandment, or because I feel like i have to or because I'm going to be leaving BYU, all of those things are so unimportant.

Basically, I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't want to rush anything with anyone because I don't like feeling lonely. And it's not like it's a big thing or anything. It's just that sometimes you want to be with someone, share your day, share the amazing weather, share a secret. All of those things. I'm sure I'll figure out where I am in all of this. I have two more years of school and I'm going home and to Scotland this summer. So I'm cutting all ties with my Provo life. And I'm reintroducing myself to an old but different environment.

So here's to finding someone fun who's on the same page as me. :)

Unfinished Self

Tonight I'm prolonging sleep in the hopes that it's druglike effects will produce a wonder of poetics. But it leaves me empty. So unformulated... and yet I close my eyes and everything is...

So quiet.

I hear a slippery whisper of truth
I have yet to believe
Something of faith that catches


Love mends my heart and yet
how can I believe in it?
Why must love equal pain and loss?
Fear and loneliness?
Why must I doubt my capacity
and forever seek to give it?

Sondheim and Seurat

So many possibilies.

What I'm Listening to Right Now

Sunday in the Park with George


"Seems we never know do we who we're going to find. And Louis the Baker is not what I had in mind."

"The bread George. I mean the bread George. And then in bed George. I mean he kneads me. I mean like dough, George."

"We lose things and then we choose things. And there are Louis's and there are George's... well, Louis's and George."

"But George has George. And I need someone... Louis."

"Louis's art is not hard to follow. Louis's art is not hard to swallow."

"Everybody gets along with him. That's the trouble nothing's wrong with him."

Notes for my scene

Dot needs the emotional connection.

Dot loves George because he's not perfect. And she knows that she's not perfect. So she feels comfortable. But at the same time George and her never communicate their imperfections. And she feels judged by him because he is so introspective. She's not sure that he loves all of her imperfections or if she is just another model. Does he have another model too? One a little more beautiful. A little nicer. One who is better in bed? Louis is appealing because he is not challenging and he just simply dotes on her. She doesn't have to work for it. Also she isn't as well-liked as him. Everyone thinks Louis is great, "How did Dot get him?" And, she knows that she could "get him" but it probably hurts her because no one thinks that highly of her. At the same time Louis is comfortable. And emotional. And a giver and taker in bed. She probably understands him and his rhythm. George was probably a mystery that she was desperately attracted to. And when she throws the whole "and then in bed George I mean he kneads (needs) me" at him -even if he doesn't hear it- she's saying you don't need me. You don't know how to give to me.

And yet... it's him that she's longing for. She doesn't want Louis to be like George because she knows no one is like George. Louis could never be George. George is who she loves. She wants George to be a little more like Louis because then she would have all the reason in the world to run to him. And I think she desperately wants him to feel something about her leaving him. But he doesn't. At least not visibly. And so she doesn't think it's possible for George to be a little more like Louis. And if it was, could she make him compromise his art? Dot knows that George's art is his life and that George's life is art. Could she be selfish enough to ask him to make room for her? Would she only ruin the beautiful canvas that she knows?



"I can not divide my feelings up as neatly as you do." But he DOES. All the time, in visual images... colour and light.

Dot says harmony at the end. Why?

Sleep is so close to me now

Saying goodbye to one world
I enter a new realm of conscious.
A world I lucidly control
when time and body permit.

Somehow

Somehow today was better. A little more and a little less introspective. And, again no free time, not even for lunch.

Why is it so hard to make it through all of this?

Free Write (Inspired by Artaud)

Collapsing membranes and sidewalk chalk to soothe a ribbed part of myself. I never can tell where my mind is unfocused. It's breathing toxic silence and icy commands. Will I know a full nights rest instead of restless sleep? Smother my instincts and kill my flame or burn a smile in ashy milk. Who gives a damn about damn it. Who gives a damn about railways and camera phones? I don't know what this couch should feel like... a little more sensual or unexhibited. So naked I feel like I'm drowning. Purple shadow on my lids and making me crave sleep and sexy jeans. Maybe we should never touch or maybe I don't feel these things for you or anyone. Maybe I'm still frozen in black lingerie that I've never bought. Or maybe I don't want to write these things and remind myself that I have a conscious presence that I can't find most days. So bleak in the sunny weather. Maybe I should move to the mountains and caress the trees there. They would love to be unearthed. And I would love to send my roots into the rugged soil. So shunning the night and the twenty four hours that are really twenty four minutes that are really twenty four seconds that are really... I can't tell. If I button up my suit will I know? If I stand outside in shorts and a slippered top will you think I need to be tenderized? I don't. Need to be tenderized. I don't need to find life. I don't need to find another junction of myself to feel inadequate at.

A friend's free write

"And rock music is all i can breathe."

Float

Today I did an acting scene and acted in a way I've never acted before.
I started crying in character, but I wasn't sure that it was just my character crying. It was weird, and I don't know what to think about it.

...

I don't want to be a statistic.

A work in progress

we'll always meet on seas a'storm
with tormented winds of insecurity
I'll always wish for a strong hand
to take the helm or raise the sail.

I'll listen to the sound of water
rushing in my bleeding ears
forever telling me that you and I
are separate shades of polarity.

From time to time I may want you
somehow everyone does.
And, from time to time weakness
causes me to reveal what I suppress.

But must you smirk knowingly
as you rescue me from the waters?
Must your salty fingers shake
my bones and graze my sores?

we'll always meet on seas at storm

Why when I ask you a question to help guide my decision, do you make every answer about you or about my inadequacies?

I am a beautiful person.
I am talented.

Just because I need you for a moment does not invalidate any of those things about myself. Nor, does it give you permission to abuse me.

Sometimes when I'm thoughtful

Tonight I discovered that I've grown a lot from struggling.
And I wish that I didn't have to learn my lessons that way.

Summer Light

I was thinking about summer. I can't wait.

I was thinking about my life. And how I never wait.

I was thinking maybe I'll make my life a little more about waiting. And then I thought. Oh that's summer. I remember that.

Today is like watching coals burn

Today I feel a little odd. I think I'm tired. And overwhelmed with responsibility. I'm waiting for my bloodwork to come back. And I antsy to feel again. You know what I mean. I think there are a lot of people I've cut off in my life that I regret cutting off. Or have not even thought I have, when in fact I've isolated myself. So much of it is lacking energy, for so many things. And wanting to know when I'm ever going to feel completely me again. I don't know.

Another spot of ramblings, another list of tired thoughts. Another time when I need to be grading papers or doing my homework, another time when I need to find it in me to do so.

Vain authorship

notes of feeling
felt in my late teens
rediscovered while cleaning and
dusting out parts of me



Sometimes I write in small spaces...

This may seem like a
totally moronic question but
have you ever lied to me?

You know you once told me
that you were becoming a
good liar.
Was I really so naive to
think that that would
never include me?

I feel like an idiot. You knew
you were never going to call
me or write me. Why did I
think you would? Because
I considered you my
friend.

*****, you told me that you
had not changed and
that you had been gay
your entire life. Then,
why should you change
and treat our friendship
differently.

Maybe you misinterpreted
what I meant by love
I loved you as a friend.

I only wanted us to be
friends, nothing more.
Why is it impossible now?

***

I was a liar then, too.

***

Life goes on with or without
the people you love
until at some point you
don't love them anymore.

Sagittarius a flambe

Ambition can be a wonderful thing. I've achieved so much because of it. However, you can burn yourself in your own fire. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't blowtorched myself. :)

An apology

For all of those individuals who know me and who perhaps I haven't been my usual self around, I'm sorry.

It's been a taxing winter. Being sick doesn't contribute positively at all. But know that you're important people in my life. That I'm not trying to blame everything on being ill. That I'm sorry if I've just been too busy. I'm trying to figure out the balancing scales. And trying not to stress when I discover that they rarely are balanced.

Cleaning checks this weekend. Papers to write and grade. Another weekend to myself. Another weekend I wish that wasn't. But another one I'll work optimistically through.

Under where?

Tonight I discovered a very important thing...

Belts are not just accessories. It was a hard won lesson, but a lesson learned nonetheless.

A Week of Love

I'm in love with my friends.
I'm in love with acting.
I'm in love with Aaron Eckhart.

I'm pretty much in love.

Post #100

I thought in honor of my 100th post I'd make a list of the things that make me happy... Here goes.

1. Dewy mornings when you're camping and you wake up a little chilly so you have to restir the coals of the fire and then you realize you smell like campfire from the night before.
2. Fireflies
3. 8th Continent Light Vanilla and Chocolate Soy Milk
4. Stick shift
5. Learning to drive stick shift in one day
6. Phonetic details. Like approximated k's and syllabized dark l's.
7. My roommates.
8. That my brother is alive and well.
9. Modern medicine.
10. Sunrises
11. Strarry nights
12. Having an empty dishwasher
13. Boys that walk me home from school
14. Boys that let me cling to their arms and burrow into their shoulders at mystical scary movies.
15. Being a hippy
16. Being an Environmentalist.
17. Being influenced to become an Environmentalist due to cartoons like Captain Planet and Ferngully
18. Being moved by film
19. Dialects
20. David Morgan
21. Acting
22. Brushing my teeth
23. Veggie platters
24. Challenge 24. I loved that game and won a tournament in 4th grade
25. My yellow power ranger costume
26. Faerie tales
27. Spelling faerie that way
28. Scotland
29. Being somewhere for three months without any cell phone
30. The play The Crucible
31. Our giant Peter Dean poster in our apartment
32. Having French ancestry
33. Coldplay's song Green Eyes
34. Having green eyes
35. Singing Broadway songs
36. Comfortable shoes
37. Having makeupless days
38. New couches that are extremely comfortable and easy to fall asleep on and leave weird prints on your face when you do.
39. Apartment quote boards
40. Fleece
41. Woolrich clothing
42. James Dean
43. Calendars
44. Helping people with their graduation plans because I'm obsessed with organisation.
45. Accoustic guitar players
46. Apples to Apples
47. The idea that I might one day win an Apples to Apples card
48. Long drives to Farrensville
49. Changing leaves
50. Playing at a playground after midnight and watching the lightning strike Mount Timpanogas
51. Cuddling during hail storms
52. Learning to let go
53. Sometimes saying a good swear
54. Amos Lee
55. Making random lists like this one
56. Friends that love me unconditionally
57. Bikinis
58. Fancy straws to use to drink fancy drinks
59. Furlined hoods on jackets
60. The fact that I cleaned for pagans
61. Curly hair
62. Boys that know how to wear jeans
63. People who inspire me to work harder
64. Lotion
65. Dangly earrings
66. Summer dinners
67. Grass
68. Homemade cookies
69. Making out :p I've got to be honest
70. Watching tropical fish swim
71. Traveling
72. Making friends with people on long air flights
73. Hiking
74. Going fishing with people and reading or just sitting near them
75. Parker Dam State Park
76. Christmas everything
77. Boston Terriers
78. My mom's French Toast
79. My guitar
80. Homemade pizza
81. Learning about other people's belief systems
82. Smiling wider than is pretty
83. Being barefoot
84. Reading novels
85. My collection of 50 cent pieces my Grandfather gave me
86. Being a Democrat (especially because it reminds me of my Grandfather
87. John Denver
88. Oversized towels
89. Clothing/sheets that come right from the dryer
90. The amazing threesome: Clean sheets, fresh made bed, showered, and newly shaved legs
91. Little girls dancing
92. The Redwoods
93. Hawk Hill
94. Crying when necessary
95. William Shakespeare
96. Seeing Ian McClellen in King Lear at the Globe this summer
97. The back porch of my home home
98. Ice cold water after exercising
99. New people
100. The smell of freshly baked bread

It's a Beautiful Day in Pennsylvania

A knowing voicemail from my mother.

Hi Miss Emily! How are you doing today? I'm going out for a hike. It's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania. And I just thought I'd call and tell you how much I love you... a bushel and a peck. See you later. Love you alligator. Bye.

We sang A Bushel and Peck in class. She didn't even know we were doing Guys and Dolls. :)

Patience is not my virtue

I think I'm supposed to learn a lesson. I'm not quite sure what that is yet.

We can't all have freckles...

It has been recalled to my attention that I am a very freckly girl. I have freckles on my arms, my chest, my back, my ears, and my face. How fortunate! When I was a kid my father told me this story about how my Aunt Elaine used to be covered in freckles. She was so freckly that soon they became so dense that all of freckles turned into a giant coat of freckles and he skin became an entirely new colour. I thought this was the coolest thing and secretly wished that I would become so freckly that my freckles would turn into a blob that covered my entire skin. Such was not the case for me. I was left splattered in the summertime with pigments of colour, but nothing lasting. Only later, when I was about fourteen, did I notice that my Aunt Elaine had freckles. Tons of them. Either she turned coats once and was going to turn again, or she had never turned at all. Now my dad is a pretty good story-teller. He has yet to deny the existence of Santa Claus. It's pretty remarkable. I decided not to call his bluff. And accepted once more that I was bound to be another freckly kid.

Mr. Dungbeetle

I think I have a new favorite movie.

Thank you for giving me permission to feel but not trying to manipulate the shape of those emotions.

"Life is worth the scary parts."

SEE THIS FILM!

Short Term Change

My ex is .... is my friend
Maybe I should ... learn that people view me with kinder eyes than I view myself
I love ... movies that make you sob and Daniel Day Lewis (ie the Crucible)
I don't understand ... a good deal of me right now
I lost my ... nerve
People would say that I'm ... more put together than I actually am
Sex is ... my body's longing for immortality
Love is ... not something to be taken lightly but is always something to be shared
Somewhere, someone is ... one of the most amazing persons I know
I will always ... love trees
Forever is ... not having to finish this thought
I think the current President is ... increasing the level of disbelief and apathy among the newest generation of voters
I woke up this morning ... dreaming I was singing alto in Peter Pan the opera
Life is full of ... dandelion seeds
My past ... is my joyful companion of experience
I get annoyed when ... double back on self doubt
I wish ... happiness for loved ones and an increased desire to give
My dog ... is missing me
Tomorrow I'm going to ... watch Oklahoma yet again
I have no tolerance for people who ... don't try to understand others
If I had a million dollars I would ... build a house for someone on extreme home makeover
Sometimes I want to ... live in the woods
Home is ... my family, wherever they may be
We are ... alone. If just for a moment
This weekend ... was a dream
I understand ... I need creative outlets
If I had a chance ... I would wake up cuddling next to someone I love watching the sunrise. (This never changes)

Unweaving a web of words

Why do we prolong talking when a single conversation can lift us up out of the labrynth we've created for ourselves?

It's a lesson I should know by heart by now. And even though I know in mind it's always better to talk things out, I'm always suprised by how good it feels to meet someone in the middle of difficulty. So thanks.

Not you nor none of yer kin folk neither

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh-klahoma!

Jist makes me wunt to be onstage er ride a horse er sumpin'

...

I feel so...

I have something to say to you, River

River, my thoughts slide down you.
Breaking against your shoreline.
Slipping around your edges.
Pooling in moments of stillness.
River, I'd like to know you.
I'd like to understand when I
can't feel my heart if it's somewhere
caught in a system of rapids.
I feel like I'm handled by you.
I'm subservient to your every ripple.
Bending with the waves caused by
the elements or the tide of others.
River, I'm lost in you.
I'm turning in over myself.
Drowning in your merciful bliss.
Drenched by your constant attention.
River, I am your vessel.
Use me as you will.
But guide my mind to somewhere
where the seas are gentle and wide.